Hey! So it is currently 5 am, Monday morning, and I haven't slept a wink. Insomnia is a total pain! So, this is the product of the fact that it 5 am, I haven't slept, and I am angry at the sandman. No Haven reference intended, that was a total accident. This is about how Audrey felt on barn day.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own Haven, yada yada yada. Now for the good part!
Goodbyes are always hard.
It's a lesson she learned a long time ago, long before she'd come to Haven.
But when she's standing there, fighting her tears while she says goodbye to the only family she's ever had, it's like she's a newborn learning the alphabet. Confused and surprised, sort of.
She always knew it could, and probably would, come to this. But she never thought it could hurt this much.
She goes around, telling everyone goodbye, and struggling not to drop to the ground and sob. She sees all her memories flash before her eyes, and the irony that soon it would all be stripped away from her was almost funny.
Almost.
She takes a moment when she's talking to Duke to remember just how hard he and Nathan had pushed to stop this day. Every attempt they'd made to stop this thing, so save her.
Oh how much she wished she'd fought a little harder.
Just a little.
And yet here they were. Maybe this is just how things are meant to go. Maybe it's fate.
She goes through her mind, counting all the wonderful people she wouldn't get a chance to miss, because she'd forget them. All of them.
Vince.
Dave.
Dwight.
Duke.
Nathan.
Oh, Nathan.
When she looks at him she curses herself, now knowing that all her efforts to push him away for his own good were a waste of valuable time. Time they could've spent together, happy. Because no matter what lie or omission she told herself, her leaving would hurt him. Because he cared about her, just like she cared about him.
At least if they'd used their time they, or really, he would've had some memories. She'd lose them all. But he'd still have them.
He tries to talk and she shuts him up in the best way she can think of at that moment. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.
Hard.
Maybe she shouldn't have done it, but she did. Partly because this was goodbye, their last chance to have eachother, and partly because she knew she wouldn't make it past that door otherwise.
She thinks of the time they'd found the real Lucy, and how terrified she'd been. How much she had questioned. That she'd wondered if she even wanted to know. But when she'd kissed him, it all faded away. Gave her the strength to go talk to her. No matter what she said.
They leaned on each other, ever since day one. That was just the way it was.
It's in that moment that she fully admits it to herself. The truth she'd been fighting.
She loves him.
They break the kiss, the show of affection that had been such sweet torture. It takes all she has to keep it together, to do this.
Because all she wants to do is drag him back to her apartment, pick up where they left off, and forget all this crap. The troubles, this town, and that god forsaken meteor storm. All she wants is a little break, and during it a chance to make him feel. It's only the image of the lighthouse exploding that stops her.
And then she can't be selfish, even if she knows he wants it too, she can't.
When he says he's gonna die before he let's her go, she breaks. The tears come full force, and she has to do it. She has no other choice. Not after that statement she knew was true.
She tells him that she knew that, and takes his gun. She makes Duke promise that he won't let Nathan follow her, and she hates this. But he couldn't wreck his life over her, even if it meant causing him some pain. When Duke agrees to do it she goes to the barn, thankful that she makes it there without collapsing.
She talks to Nathan, tries her best to calm him down, but he keeps fighting Duke. Trying to come to her. She wants to run, leave with Nathan and never come back to this god awful place. But that would mean hurting innocent people for her own benefit.
And Audrey Parker doesn't do that. Ever.
When he gets past Duke she stops thinking and acts. She opens the door and hastily rushes inside, begging that he doesn't get in. He can't get in.
When she hears the door close before he gets there, she's almost relieved. But it hurts too much, knowing that it's the end. That Nathan is still fighting with that stupid door. That that really was their last kiss. That there was never more. That there never will be either.
She's alone now, and she let's her pride fade. She just left an entire town. Her home, her only family, and the only man she ever really loved. She didn't care anymore. She deserved a freaking break.
She sinks along the wall until she's sitting, and let's the sobs come full force. She's shaking and her head is in her hands, and she realizes something.
Goodbyes are always hard. Very hard.
But the more you love someone, the harder they get.
And that's just the way life is.
Painful.
Ridiculous.
Unfair.
Hard.
And it never let's you win. Especially when it comes to goodbye.
Please review! :)