Oikawa's gone, his parents expecting him home for dinner, but Hajime basks in the lingering scent of Oikawa in his room, on his sheets, his skin.
It takes him a while to understand the feeling swirling around in his chest. It took him far too long to realize that he felt more for Oikawa than just friendship. He allows himself a few more moments to bask in the warmth lingering in the sheets, contentment seeping from every pore.
With a sigh, he rolls of his bed, and it takes him a second to find his footing underneath him as his legs shake like a newborn foal's. Well that's new. He gets his strength back quickly as he moves around his room, finding a mostly clean pair of sweatpants to throw on and a soft cotton t-shirt. Making dinner is the last thing he wants to do right now, and he briefly considers just running over to Oikawa's house and cuddling with him the rest of the night.
His door opens before he can think about reaching for the doorknob and his dad walks into the room.
"Otou-san, I didn't know you were home," Hajime says, trying not to panic. He never even heard the front door open.
"I saw that Oikawa boy leaving the house again," his father says in response. He crosses his arms in front of him, and even though he's not much taller than Hajime, it still makes Hajime feel like he's and as helpless as he was at age eleven.
"Yeah," Hajime hedges, unsure as to what his father is getting at. "We were doing some homework together and lost track of time." He starts to hedge past his father. "I'll get started on dinner now."
Before he can move past his father, he reaches out and grips Hajime's bicep hard enough to bruise. "Do you think I'm stupid?" He seethes, and Hajime can smell the whiskey on his breath and swears, not for the first time, that he'll never start drinking. "Do you?" He shakes Hajime when he doesn't answer.
Hajime bows his head like he always does, trying to deescalate the situation away from violence. "No," he says softly.
"No, what?"
"No, sir," Hajime breathes, and he hopes that's the last of it.
His father grunts, shoves him roughly from his room and into the hallway. Hajime wastes no time in moving to the kitchen to prepare dinner while his father wanders into the living room to watch TV.
He breathes a shaky exhale in relief. That had been too close.
The first time Hajime is later returning home than he'd said he'd be he's eleven. He can feel the small smile still lingering on his lips, the warmth of Oikawa-san's curry lingering in his belly. He forgets, in his contentment, about his father until he's rolling across the floor of their hallway after walking through the front door, one of his father's punches catching him in the side just below his ribs.
"Where were you?" His father roars, face red and angrier than Hajime has seen it in recent years.
"I was at Oikawa-chan's, sir," he whimpers as he curls in a ball on the floor, protecting his stomach. Those kicks always hurt the worst, and when his father is this red in the face he's in a mood to use his feet.
"Get up and go to your room, I'm sick of seeing you." His father's dismissal of him is sudden and curt.
Hajime slowly gets up. He can't remember the last time he got away with only one hit. A swift kick to the middle of his back sends him sprawling onto the wood floors of the hallway, the echo of his father's laugh drifting around him in the growing silence.
He ends up crawling to his room that night.
He's not expecting the way his heart jumps into his throat as he watches Oikawa take one of his spikes straight to the face.
Hajime isn't expecting a lot of things these days.
He swiftly crosses to the other side of the net to examine Oikawa for himself before he can fully register the action. He can't help but sigh in relief when he doesn't feel a break, unreasonably glad this idiot wasn't hurt.
He teases Oikawa and tries not to think about how his heart is pounding and the tips of his fingers feel burned from where he'd touched Oikawa's face. He doesn't know what this sensation is, doesn't understand why he feels like he wants to crawl out of his skin at the feeling of it.
He itches.
The feeling lingers, hovering there, just underneath his skin, long after practice is over and he's walking home with Oikawa, like always. He tries not to think about Oikawa next to him, talking animatedly about some sort of random astronomy fact.
He's not expecting the sudden hug when they reach Oikawa's place. He tenses, sure that Oikawa is going to shove him away in disgust, like when his father hugs him. Instead, he hears the whisper against his neck and fights a shiver at the air brushing his skin. "You're my best friend, you know that right?"
The burning lingers, but the itch fades away as Oikawa squeezes him tightly. It's all he can do to grunt in reply, these new sensations causing him to act in strange, confusing ways and wrap his arms around Oikawa. He feels a strange sense of belonging, wrapped around Oikawa as the day fades slowly into night.
He's still reeling from the feeling dancing around between his ribs that lingers from the warmth of the hug, when he walks through the front door, only to have that feeling abruptly replaced with the feeling of all the air being forced out of his lungs.
He catches another blow to his lower back as he bends over, struggling to get his lungs to expand again. "What do you think you were doing, hugging that Oikawa boy like that for the whole world to see?" His father asks angrily, tugging Hajime's head back sharply by his hair. "What are you, gay or something? Didn't I teach you better than to be hugging on some pansy ass kid like a fucking fairy?" He shoves Hajime forward until he collides roughly with the wall.
Hajime relaxes in a practiced motion, not fighting the collision and letting his body roll away from the wall, minimizing the sting of the impact to his shoulder. He's not skilled enough to keep the impact from sending him to the floor, considering how off balance he was when he was flung into the wall. Nor is he fast enough to dodge the swift but brutal kick to his ribs.
He feels, more than he hears, the muted crack as one of his ribs gives way under the force of the impact. For the second time in less than a minute, Hajime feels the air depart his lungs in a dizzying rush, this time with a burst of pain so vivid that he sees splashes of red in the corners of his vision. His father huffs and walks away, the onslaught over as suddenly as it started, mumbling, "Boy, you better not be a fucking fag."
Hajime lays on the floor, a hand held against the left side of his body, as he struggles to get air back into his lungs. He wants to inhale deeply, feel the cool flood of oxygen through his veins, but each tiny breath causes searing pain to erupt through his chest. He doesn't know how long he lays there in the dark of the hall, coaxing tiny breaths of air into his lungs and willing the muscles in his chest to unbind. He takes a deep breath after a few minutes of coaxing air into his lungs and nearly sobs with the pain that sears down his left side.
He gingerly gets up, trying not to twist his torso or use those muscles and stiffly walks into the kitchen, grabbing an ice pack out of the dozens he keeps in there from the freezer.
His father looks up from where he's frying something on the stove. "You hungry kid?"
Hajime shakes his head. "No, sir. I have homework to do anyway so I'm just gonna head to my room, if that's alright."
His father doesn't say anything, just turns back around to face the stove. Hajime knows a dismissal when he sees one and heads back into his room, pressing the ice pack to his side. He pulls an apple from his backpack that he grabs from the hallway as he passes by to his room.
He drops the backpack to the floor once in his room, shuts his door, and gingerly lays on his bed before pressing the ice pack against his left side, hoping the pain would fade more before practice tomorrow. He bites into the apple. It's not enough, but it's better than dinner with his father.
Hajime is eleven when Oikawa meets his dad for the first time.
They are running around in the summer heat, playing pirates and kings as they wove their way around Hajime's backyard, waving sticks at each other and trying to conquer kingdoms and ships.
"Iwa-chan," he pants as they take a break from playing to catch their breath, "can I have some water?"
Hajime hesitates, not sure if that would be okay, but he looks at the sweat trickling down Oikawa's face and decides it's worth the risk. "Yeah, come on," he says, grabbing Oikawa by the hand and dragging him to the back door.
He leads Oikawa in through the back door, into the kitchen and gets him a glass of water, watching for his dad to appear.
"Iwa-chan is so nice!" Oikawa chirps and happily drinks his water.
"Hajime, who's this?"
Hajime feels his spine stiffen under the heavy gaze of his dad. "This is my friend, Oikawa Tooru, sir." He gestures to Oikawa. "We got hot playing, so we came in for some water."
"Is that so?" His dad raises an eyebrow, looks over at Oikawa who is smiling sunnily up at him.
"Iwa-chan is so nice!" Oikawa repeats, this time to Hajime's dad. "I always like playing with Iwa-chan, Iwaizumi-san."
Hajime watches in amazement as his dad smiles down at Oikawa. The last time Hajime saw his dad smile like that was when his mother was still alive.
"I'm glad my son can be such a good playmate for you," his dad says, and his tone is light, but the hand that lands on Hajime's shoulder is heavy and it clenches around the muscles and bones tightly. Hajime wonders vaguely if it will bruise.
"Ready to go back and play, Kawa-chan?" The sooner he gets Oikawa out of this house the better.
Oikawa chirps happily, nods, and grabs Hajime's hand as he runs out excitedly into the warm summer sun.
Hajime feels his dad watching them every step of the way, can still feel the imprint of his hand burning into his shoulder. The less time Oikawa spends around his dad, the better.
Hajime is fourteen the first time he intentionally lies to Oikawa.
He hates it, the way the lie sits heavy on his tongue, bitter and sour. But he does it, lies, so that Oikawa doesn't have to feel bad for him, lies so that Oikawa can stop worrying and focus on school and volleyball.
He can't let his dad's drinking be the reason why Oikawa loses focus and fails the math test they have tomorrow because if he doesn't shut down this line of questioning now, Oikawa will keep digging until he's knee deep in shit he knows nothing about.
He manages, barely, to deflect his way out of the conversation, but he can see the lingering worry in Oikawa's eyes and he knows that it's only dropped for now and that Oikawa is going to be bringing it up when he least expects it with the goal of startling the real answer out of him. He's been through this line of questioning before and he knows his best friend well enough by now.
They finish up their math right as Hajime hears his father's car pull into the driveway. Oikawa kicks it into gear and shoves everything into his backpack in a hurry, intent on being out the back door before Hajime's dad can stagger through the front. Oikawa has only been caught here once, and it's an experience that neither of them wants a repeat of.
Oikawa manages to slip quietly out the back door with a whispered, "Bye, Iwa-chan" right as his father stumbles through the front door.
Hajime doesn't need to smell him to know that he stopped by the bar on his way home from work. Long years of experience keeps him from saying anything, knowing that his father will address him when he wants to acknowledge his presence.
"Get dinner ready, boy," he slurs, and Hajime leaps into action, quickly throwing together dinner with long years of practice. He's never Hajime when they're alone. It's always 'boy' when his dad is drunk or angry, 'kid' when he's not, and 'son' when he's proud.
Hajime can count on one hand the number of times his father has called him 'son'. He craves his father's approval almost more than he craves food. Aches to hear "I'm proud of you, son" cross his father's lips. It's why he forces himself to jump higher, spike harder, run faster, all in the attempt to earn his father's approval.
He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to do it.
Hajime is twelve the first time he tries to stop his dad from doing something reckless. They're at the beach with Oikawa's family and all he sees are the familiar motions of his dad winding up for a punch before he's off, running towards his dad, terrified that he won't reach him in time because his feet keep slipping in the sand as he runs. He crashes into his dad just before he swings, throwing him off balance and making it so that he has to step back to keep from falling over.
"Otou-san, let's just go home," he says, now tugging on his dad's arm and pulling him away. Hajime should have been keeping track of how many beers his dad was drinking.
The car ride home is silent in the worst kind of way. Hajime's dad is silent, hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel. He doesn't say anything until they get home, and even then, he only speaks to tell Hajime, "Go to your room, I don't want to look at you again today."
Hajime nods, "Yes, sir," and bolts for his room, shutting the door quietly behind him. He can't remember the last time he escaped from his father without a stinging patch of skin or a new bruise blossoming on his ribs. He crawls under the covers of his bed and spends the night waiting for his dad to come into his room.
When morning comes, he's not sure what's worse, his dad coming in or leaving him alone to wait for the shoe to drop all night.
In retrospect, Hajime should have seen it coming. His father never forgets, and he always holds a grudge. He'd been naive to think that his father wouldn't ask about the rumpled sheets or Oikawa's late exit from the house. Oikawa always manages to leave before his father gets home, but they'd both been too content in one another's arms to move until they absolutely had to.
What catches him by surprise is that his father waits until after all the food and dishes have been put away before he slams Hajime into the wall.
"Did you think I wouldn't know?" His dad hisses against his ear. "Did you think that I didn't know that boy was here to be with you? How could you be so stupid and not know by now that I know about everything that happens in this house?"
Hajime panics, horror starting to build as he realizes that his father knows about him and Oikawa, about how their friendship is so much more. Hajime is seventeen years old and he still can't manage to fight against a father who barely loves him.
He braces for the hit, knowing it is coming.
Hajime is seventeen when he works up enough nerve to kiss Oikawa. He pushes him up against a fence and just kisses him. It's terrifying because even though he's pretty certain that the way Oikawa's gaze has started lingering on him during practice, when they study, in classes, means his feelings have changed like Hajime's have. But he could still be wrong.
Oikawa tenses when he presses his lips to his, and in the second it takes him to relax and kiss Hajime back he's died twice and regretted everything. Oikawa's lips moving against his causes a happy burst of warmth in his chest that feels foreign and new.
It's easy, simple, perfect the way their mouths fit together. Oikawa is his best friend and closest companion and it feels right to lick into his mouth, to tease apart his lips and delve into the warmth of Oikawa's mouth, tangling his hands in the soft and silky strands that he'll never tell Oikawa he loves.
A spark flashes down his spine to ignite the embers smoldering in his stomach as Oikawa fists his hands in Hajime's shirt, tugs him closer until Hajime is pressed against him. He shifts to slide his thigh between Oikawa's legs and pulls away from the kiss slightly to say, "I've been waiting to do that for a while now."
He doesn't know what he's expecting when he says this, but he's not expecting Oikawa to wrap his arms around Hajime's shoulders and whisper, "What took you so long?" Then again, Hajime shouldn't be surprised by anything Oikawa does that doesn't line up with the expectations of others.
He shrugs, "I wasn't sure how you felt." It's not technically a lie, but he also wouldn't have dared do something if he wasn't fairly certain how Oikawa felt about him. Oikawa wasn't good at being subtle, and while it took Hajime a while to actually catch on, Oikawa had sent him enough lingering glances of longing he'd eventually figured it out.
"And now?" Oikawa asks, somehow managing to look up at him from under his lashes while looking slightly down at him.
Hajime falls back to Oikawa as easily as he falls asleep, pressing one hand to the firm muscles of Oikawa's lower back, reaching up with his other hand to tug at the strands of Oikawa's hair, relishing the way Oikawa moans into his mouth.
Hajime feels like something inside him shifts into place, slotting against the cracked pieces of his heart to form something that's a little more whole.
Over dinner that night, his father breaks the silence with "How's volleyball going? Don't you have a game coming up?"
Hajime nods over his food. "Yes, sir, against one of our rival schools."
"You expect to win?"
"Yes, sir, we've been working really hard and I think this is the best our team has ever been."
"Good." His father chews in thought, and the look he levels at Hajime makes his stomach turn in anticipation, beginning to fear whatever was coming next. "When are you going to get a girlfriend, kid?"
Hajime feels his stomach plummet and tries not to think about being pressed up against Oikawa no more than an hour ago. "I don't know, sir, I don't have a whole lot of time between school and practice."
"You have plenty of time to hang around with that Oikawa kid," he says, and Hajime begins to feel the stirring of panic flutter around in his stomach. He's suddenly not very hungry.
"Oikawa is my best friend, and lives next door, sir, it's easy to spend time with him because we have so many common interests. Meeting girls is hard." It's the most he's contradicted his father in recent memory, and he braces for the punishment he knows is coming.
It doesn't come, though, and he looks up to see his father looking at him with a measuring eye. "Well, I'm sure you'll have more time for girls once you leave for college, won't you?"
"Yes, sir," Hajime says, and tries his hardest not to let his exhale sound like the sigh of relief it really is.
Hajime can't think of a less appealing idea than getting a girlfriend, but he'll never say that out loud to his father.
He's not stupid.
He's thirteen the first time Oikawa notices his bruises. He gets away with a half-truth about falling and Oikawa is satisfied, pushing aside video game controllers and convincing him to explore caves with him.
Hajime watches from his front porch as Oikawa walks home in the dying light of the day. Once he sees Oikawa safely ensconced in his house, he turns back into the darkness of his house. He's alone, like he always is until his dad comes home, and the house is quiet in the loudest of ways.
Not for the first time, Hajime stretches his memory back to when his mom was still alive and the house was filled with light, laughter, and no expectations of how to be. The memories come to him in bright splashes of color against the grey that his life has become. Brief flashes of making cookies together in the kitchen, dancing to old-time jazz, laughing over a story as she tucks him in to bed. And the memories that hurt the most, memories of his dad coming home and sweeping them both up into a giant hug, of teaching a three-year-old Hajime how to tie a tie and patting him on the head when he does it right on his own. Those memories hurt the most.
He wanders back to his room, the sheets of his bed rumpled from playing with Oikawa. His room seems dimmer without Oikawa in it, like the boy has a sort of brightness that emanates from him and fills every room he's in with light and happiness. Without him the room seems dark and foreign, and he wonders if Oikawa were here if he could be brave too, and not be afraid of the dark.
Hajime doesn't know what it is about lying on the sand that's so relaxing, but he feels as if he could sink down into the warmth and never move again.
Oikawa's hand in his between them doesn't help, and he tries to understand why his stomach is jumping up his throat every time Oikawa tightens his hand around Hajime's. He feels warm from the inside out, and he doesn't think that's all because of the summer sun beating down on their still damp bodies.
With a stunning, horrifying realization he understands that he's gay. He knows, has known, really, that he wasn't straight for a long time, wondered for the first time at fifteen when his father broke his rib at the threat of him being gay. But now, with Oikawa's hand woven tightly with his, he knows.
He accepts this new reality and vows to never speak of it to anyone in a single breath.
Except…
He looks over at Oikawa who is relaxed, eyes closed against the brightness of the sun, and considers telling him. It's on the tip of his tongue, the 'hey Oikawa, I'm gay,' would be so easy to say into the tranquil silence between them. He could, and it would be fine because Oikawa is his best friend, but what if Oikawa told his parents and then they mentioned it to his father? As used to it as he is, Hajime does not like having cracked and broken ribs, so he bites down on his tongue and gets up, gently pulls his hand out of Oikawa's to gather their things.
It's just not worth the risk.
Hajime is seventeen when Oikawa shows him what it means to be adored, treasured, loved. Hajime is seventeen, when he finally understands that he doesn't have to be alone, that he can have someone in his life who will care for him, understand him, and love him without hurting him.
Hajime is seventeen the first time his father punches him in the face, hard enough to leave a bruise the world can see. Hajime has never known his father to be so angry, so full of rage than he is right now. He fists his hands in the front of Hajime's shirt and screams, "I will not have any son of mine found warming the bed of another man."
He sends Hajime flying and for one breathless moment he's suspended, before he crashes into a wall. He doesn't have time to get up before his father is on him, the blows landing everywhere and anywhere until Hajime is nothing more than a ball on the floor, eyes screwed shut against the pain.
He'd thought he'd known the worst it could get. He is wrong.
"If I ever see him here again, I'll kill you both," his father shouts, punctuating the statement with a swift kick to Hajime's stomach. He leaves Hajime lying on the floor and returns to the living room, the dull noise of the TV winding though the silence of the house.
Hajime drags himself slowly to his feet, managing to make it back to his bed before collapsing. For the first time since his mom died, Hajime cries. He sobs into sheets that still smell like Oikawa, clutching a pillow to his chest as he feels the pieces of his heart that Oikawa so lovingly put back together start to fracture apart again.
It's a worse agony than the dull throbbing of his muscles, the pain in his cheekbone from the blow to his face.
He's helping his dad in the yard when he next sees Oikawa. He rushes over to Oikawa before his dad can start to move in an attempt to fix the situation before it gets worse. Hajime feels his heart start to fragment as Oikawa lights up, a bright smile beaming across his face and a soft look of happiness in his eyes.
Hajime has spent his whole life protecting Oikawa from his dad; keeping that light that shines from Oikawa undimmed by the shadow of his father. He can't stop now.
"Oikawa," he says when Oikawa is close enough to hear him. "You need to leave."
He knows the second Oikawa registers the purple smear across his cheekbone, watches as Oikawa's eyes widen in horror as the pieces fall into place. "Iwa-chan," he breathes, reaching out to brush his fingers across Hajime's cheekbone tenderly.
"Don't touch me!" Hajime snaps as he slaps Oikawa's hand away. He doesn't look at Oikawa, but he still sees the look of hurt flash across his face.
"Iwa-chan, what happened?" Oikawa asks, reaching out to place a hand on Hajime's shoulder. "Talk to me."
Hajime shoves Oikawa away and feels his heart break apart finally as he says, "Leave, Oikawa, and don't come back."
Hajime has spent his whole life protecting Oikawa, but this is the first time it has hurt him to do it.
Oikawa gapes at him, too shocked to even look hurt. "What?" He breathes, eyes wide and staring.
"Go away, and don't come back. Ever." Hajime gives him one last shove and turns around before he falls apart in the face of Oikawa's devastation. He knows when Oikawa leaves by the look of satisfaction on his father's face.
Hajime looks back. Watching Oikawa walk away feels inevitable.
The remainder of Hajime's senior year is the worst four months of his life. He sees Oikawa everywhere, of course he does, in class, on the court, walking home. He's careful, always careful, that nobody sees them interacting, that the only time he speaks to Oikawa or registers Oikawa speaking to him is on the volleyball court.
But even that's ruined.
Oikawa still calls to him for spikes, but it's with a curt "Iwaizumi-kun" and an empty look that he does. Hajime hates the way 'Iwaizumi-kun' sounds coming off Oikawa's tongue. It doesn't sound right at all.
It's four months of agony and all he wants to do is move out and go to college, get away from his father and the one thing that could have made him happy but was taken from him because he wasn't strong enough to fight for it.
He moves out. Packs up everything he owns and takes it with him to a school in the city, as far away from his father as he can get without leaving the country.
He gets to his dorm before his roommate and picks a side, putting clothes in drawers and on hangars, sheets onto the bed and his volleyball bag underneath. He's organizing his desk when he registers the sound of keys sliding into the lock and the door opening.
"Hey, I'm Iwaizumi Hajime," he says without looking up from the tangle of cables he's trying to sort out. A bag is dropped to the floor. The door swings shut. "I hope you don't mind that I took the left side." When he doesn't get an answer he finally looks up.
"Hey, Iwa-chan."
Tooru is blinded by his love for Iwaizumi like he's blinded by the late afternoon sun that frames Iwaizumi, softening his edges and giving him and ethereal glow.
"Hey, Oikawa, do you wanna play pirates and kings with me?"
"Aren't we a bit too old for that?"
"You're never too old to dream."