A/N: This fic was written as part of a challenge with Thousand Sunny Lyon, mebh, MegamiZe, SammyQuill and whoever else wants to join in. The challenge was to write a humour fic including revenge and a bell. The word count was 1000-2000 words but I completely failed with that. I'm blaming my being on holiday and having no time on the fact that I made no attempt to cut this down, or even read it through properly. As a result, this is incredibly rough and probably makes no sense. But still, I hope you enjoy it.
Maes Hughes liked to think of himself as a reasonable man. He could take a joke with the best of them; hell, he was even known as a bit of a comedian among the other cadets. But this... this was taking things too far. Maes peered into the mirror, groaning as he realised that the last ten minutes of frantic scrubbing had succeeded in little more than making him appear as if he'd sustained a rather nasty and unusually shaped black eye.
It wasn't even as if it were the worst prank Roy had played on him in their almost-year of friendship; no, that dubious honour was probably reserved for the time with the donkey and the honeycomb... but even so. Having a fuhrer Bradley-esque moustache and eye patch drawn on his face in permanent ink while he slept off the worst hangover of his life was not high on Maes' list of favourite things. Who knew that his seemingly straight-laced, somewhat uptight friend would have turned out to have such an evil streak? And how lucky was Maes that he was the only person who Mustang felt comfortable enough around to indulge in his secret love of 'hilarious' practical jokes?
After another five minutes of scrubbing Maes felt brave enough to risk another look in the mirror. The moustache was almost completely gone but the cursed eye patch still lingered stubbornly on. What the hell had Roy used on him? Knowing his friend, it was probably some kind of weird alchemy-ink that only he could completely remove. Gods, Maes was just going to kill him...
Maes froze, struggling to hold back a slightly manic, evil laugh as the beginnings of a plan formulated in his mind. Alchemy... of course, it was perfect! He'd endured Mustang's jokes so far, had even been able to laugh at a few. But enough was enough. This time, he was going to fight back.
Maes knew everything had gone to plan when he woke to the sound of Mustang screaming. It was Sunday morning, three days after his fateful decision and the final day of the week long holiday that celebrated Amestris' founding. He'd bided his time, waiting for the perfect moment to extract his revenge and last night he had put his plan into motion. And from the sound issuing from their shared bathroom, everything had gone perfectly. Who knew that Mustang could scream like a little girl? Sure, the sound was doing nothing to help the splitting headache he'd woken with courtesy of last night's drinking, but that was a price he was happy to pay. Maes chuckled, burying his face in his pillow to escape his roommate's notice. He had no doubt that he would be Roy's immediate suspect, but there was no point in attracting the enraged teen's attention unnecessarily.
Except... the screaming wasn't stopping. Maes frowned; had something gone wrong? He'd been rigorous in testing the safety of his prank, but perhaps there'd been something he'd overlooked? Oh god, what if he'd seriously hurt Roy? He'd never forgive himself if-
"Hughes!" Maes winced as the bathroom door slammed open, the force of Mustang's anger resounding through the flimsy dormitory walls. Maes half expected to see the door hanging off its hinges or massive cracks appearing in the plaster of the ceiling. But when he finally risked lifting his head from the protective embrace of his pillow the sight that greeted his eyes was worth any number of punishments the imagined property damage might incur.
Mustang was stalking towards him with a face like an enraged demigod, the promise of swift and terrible retribution burning in his eyes. He was dripping wet and wrapped in nothing more than a towel but it was not the thought of his roommate's state of undress, or his own imminent destruction, that occupied Maes' mind. Instead all his attention was drawn towards Mustang's head, or rather, to the hair on Mustang's head. It was bright pink, the colour of the strawberry ice cream sold in Central Market, and seemed to sparkle slightly when it caught the light. All in all, the effect was rather charming, Maes thought.
Roy was clearly not of the same opinion. "What the hell have you done?" he growled, leaning down to stare Maes in the face. The effect should have been terrifying but Maes could do nothing but laugh as the movement caused Mustang's sparkly pink, soaking wet fringe to flop forward into his eyes, glittering prettily all the while.
Getting the chemicals had been easy. Maes was in the same chemistry class as Roy after all and while he wasn't exactly a model student in that area, the chemistry master had shown no suspicion at Maes' claim that he wanted to get an extra hour or so research done in the lab. Once he was alone, Maes had hurried to the back of the lab, to the tray marked 'Mustang'. There, among pipettes and conical flasks, was exactly the thing he'd been looking for, the thing that would give him the perfect revenge against his errant roommate. "100% fast dye" the bottle said. The solution was a shocking pink and seemed to sparkle when it caught the light.
"This stuff," Mustang had told him a few weeks ago, holding the flask dramatically up towards the light. "This stuff is brilliant, if I say so myself. I'm pretty much guaranteed full marks for the Chemistry of Solutions topic with this." Maes had mocked him for choosing such a girly colour- "It's not my fault! Dye compounds with pink chromophores are the easiest to manipulate!" and had then swiftly changed the topic; chemistry was boring, after all. The conversation had soon been forgotten, the memory only reawakened as he searched for the perfect revenge to take on his friend.
He'd had to be careful, of course. Angry as he was, Maes wasn't about to risk his friend's safety on a prank. He'd subjected the solution to cautious, rigorous testing and it was only once he was confident that the dye wasn't going to burn a hole in Roy's scalp or cause him to break out in painful hives that he'd mixed it into his shampoo and, just to be extra sure, his conditioner too. Seriously, Maes had never known a guy to have so many hair care products. A result of Roy's less than conventional upbringing, he supposed. That had been the final and most risky step of the plan. His tests had suggested that even an incredibly diluted solution of the dye was enough to bring about a strong and permanent colour change and once he'd finished mixing Roy's shampoo, there was barely the slightest rose coloured tinge. But even so, Maes was sure Roy would notice a difference. Thankfully, he hadn't. The prank was perfect, flawless in its conception and execution and Maes regretted nothing.
"Relax, Mustang!" Maes gasped, struggling for breath between bursts of laughter. "It's not like it's such a big deal. You can just alchemise it back to its normal colour, can't you?"
For a moment Roy did nothing but stare at him, eyes wide and face shockingly pale. "You didn't know?" His voice was almost a whisper and a shiver of fear ran through Maes at the panic in his eyes. "You... you idiot!" Roy shouted, taking Maes' confused silence as confirmation of whatever fears were running through his mind. "Oh, god, my life is ruined!"
"Hey, hey... calm down, buddy." Maes tried to keep his voice soothing, tired not to show his amusement at his friend's melodramatic reaction. "I mean, it's just pink hair dye, it's not like its anything you can't..."
"You just don't get it, do you?" Roy broke in. "This..." he gripped his hair in both hands, as if trying to rip out the offending strawberry locks. "This isn't going to come out!"
"Huh?" Maes blinked. "What do you mean, it's not going to come out? Come on, there's no need to be so dramatic about everything, just alchemise it back and it'll be fine."
Roy took a step towards him, his pose menacing but his voice deceptively calm. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, you idiot." He replied. "I tried to alchemise my hair back earlier but it didn't work. The dye you stole from my lab tray, that wasn't just any ordinary stuff. It was an alchemy project I've been working on for the last few months, developing a dye that can't be removed in any way. Not even by alchemy. Now do you see what you've done?
The dye wouldn't come out? Not even with alchemy? That was... so much more than he could have hoped for! Finally, his smug roommate was getting a taste of his own medicine. Sure, they would both get in trouble- Maes seriously doubted that bright pink hair was within regulations and there was no way Mustang wasn't going to rat him out for this- but it'd be worth it. Maes burst out laughing. He couldn't help it. Roy was right, he was so dead. None of the guys would take him seriously after this. Hell, if Maes was really lucky, none of the girls would either and Maes would finally be able to get a date for the first time since befriending the strange (and, apparently, incredibly attractive) alchemist.
Roy's eyes narrowed, his expression dangerous. "This is no laughing matter, Hughes." He hissed between gritted teeth. "Just think of all the trouble I'm going to be in! Not to mention how much stick I'm going to get for this with the guys. I mean, most of them already think I'm enough of a freak as it is..."
"Wait," Maes cut off his friend's frantic tirade, a sudden concern welling up inside him. "Who thinks you're a freak? Who said that, Roy?"
Roy shrugged. "Mostly just those guys from the year above, you know, the ones we stood up to last year. Some of their friends have started copying them though, as have a few guys in our year, too. I think the fact that I'm an alchemist doesn't help much, or my Xingese looks." Roy's tone was forcedly light and he looked as if he'd much rather go back to having Maes laugh at him. "It's nothing I can't handle," he continued, as if daring Maes to disagree with him. "But maybe you can see why I'm not too keen on having this," he gestured to his hair, "giving them another excuse to mock me."
Maes fought back the strong protective instinct his friend's words evoked in him, knowing Roy would not thank him for it. Mustang hated showing any vulnerability, however slight, and being seen as an object of pity was even worse. Roy was one of the strongest and most independent people Maes had ever met but beneath all his pride and bravado there was a deeply buried vulnerability that something in Maes could not help but to respond to.
An awkward moment stretched out between them as Maes debated with himself how best to handle the situation. He regretted his prank now, of course, but to admit as much to Mustang would be a mistake. Roy would never accept that the apology wasn't motivated by pity.
"Well, I'll admit that maybe my plan could have been a little better thought out," Maes began. Roy nodded, his arms folded as if waiting for Maes to impress him. "But still," Maes laughed, stretching a grin across his face. "You've got to admit, you kinda had it coming, Mustang."
Finally, he'd succeeded in getting a smile from his friend. A cautious, somewhat begrudging smile, but Maes wasn't picky. "I guess you're right," Roy sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, contemplative, before glancing sideways, a wicked grin on his face. "To be honest, I'd expected something like this from you ages ago. What took you so long, Hughes?"
God, Mustang was insufferable. Just why was he friends with the guy again? "But really, Maes," Roy continued, his tone serious once more. "What am I going to do about this?"
"Why don't you just dye it back?" Maes suggested. "I'm sure you can alchemise up some normal black hair dye in hardly any time at all." Hope flickered in Roy's expression and Maes struggled to suppress the need to roll his eyes. Seriously, this guy was meant to be a genius and he hadn't thought of that already? But then Mustang's eyes darted towards the wall and his face fell, returning quickly to its air of exasperated condescension.
"That would be a good idea, Hughes, but have you seen the time? We've got about less than ten minutes until the bell rings for morning inspection, hardly enough time for both of us to get dressed, let alone dye my hair."
Shit, Mustang was right. The bell was going to ring any minute now, and he hadn't even gotten out of bed. Roy wasn't doing any better, he might have showered but he was still dressed in nothing but a towel and his hair was still damp. Still pink, too, but there was nothing they could do about that now.
"Okay, um... just wait a minute, I need to get dressed... where's my uniform?" Hughes floundered, almost falling out of bed in his hurry.
"Calm down, Hughes, your uniform is hanging in the cupboard." Roy laughed. He started walking back towards the bathroom, calling over his shoulder as he went, "I smoothed out the creases and hung it up after you dumped it on the floor before collapsing in your bed last night. See what a good friend I am?"
It took Maes little more than five minutes to dress and get himself looking presentable for morning inspection. Perhaps his shoes weren't as shiny as they could have been and perhaps his hair was a little scruffy but he doubted anyone would notice. No, their attention would be on something else entirely.
Speak of the devil. Just as Maes finished straightening up his jacket, Roy walked out of the bathroom. His uniform was impeccable as ever and his hair: damn it, how did that kid manage it? Even with his hair pink and sparkling, Roy looked... cool. Never mind the colour, that style alone was definitely not within regulations. He must have used nearly half a tub of wax and on anyone else the style would look ridiculous but somehow Mustang pulled it off, even with hair the colour of candyfloss.
Roy strode past, barely giving Maes a glance as he stared, open mouthed. "You ready? Come on, then. Oh, and by the way..." That grin again. "I'm not sure this colour really suits my complexion. Perhaps next time you'd consider evening it out with some fuchsia highlights?"
A/N: Well, *I* found the idea funny... hopefully at least a few of you did too. Please leave a review to let me know either way!
For those of you that are interested: I am very definitely continuing with Tempting The Fates, it's top of my list of things to do, and when that's done I'll start working on Blood Brothers again. (Yes, I know it's been ages, I'm really sorry. I've been busy.)