The
Funeral
The
Foreman clan finished their breakfast and loaded themselves into the Vista
Cruiser. Red, Kitty, and Laurie sat up
front, while Hyde and Eric were piled in the back. "I can't believe that dumbass Kelso killed himself!" Red blurted. Kitty jabbed him with her elbow. Eric piped up, "Dad, Kelso…Yes he was a
dumbass, but…something was horribly wrong. He was a really good friend, so leave him alone!" Red glared one of his usual
are-you-talking-back-to-me-because-if-you-are-I'll-kick-your-ass glares. On the half-hour drive, each was lost in
their own thoughts. Red's thought was
especially grouchy. "Why did his funeral
have to be today? During a Green Bay game! Couldn't that
dumbass wait?!" Next to him Kitty was lost in her
own somber thoughts: Oh my…oh..well..oh
dear… Laurie was careless as usual "He
wasn't a that great in the sack at all. Better that that one guy I dated…What was his name? Aaron, Adam, or was
it Andy? Oh well. They all sucked." Hyde even thought "human" thoughts: "God,
Kelso was so young… We weren't exactly the best of friends, especially after
his dog bit me on the ass, but we were friends just the same. Now who the hell am I going to pick on"? Eric had already fallen asleep, after crying
half the night anyway.
A
half-hour later, they arrived at Peaceful Slumber Funeral Home. They joined Bob, Midge, and Donna, who
immediately embraced her boyfriend. The
Burkhardts and Fez's host family were there, with Jackie clutched to a very
distressed looking Fez. The Kelso's
were the first group in line, and there were a few other unfamiliar families in
the group. A short, fat Italian guy
opened the door. "This way, ladies and
gentlemen." He softly spoke. When they
got inside the first thing they saw was Kelso's chestnut colored coffin, with
the young man inside it. His shaggy
brown hair was in its usual style, despite his head injuries. His face was covered nicely, but there were
still some scars and bruises that were uncoverable. His lips were still soft and red, as always, and they were the
only part of his face that wasn't injured. Jackie and Fez embraced each other tightly. Donna broke down and buried her face into Eric's shoulder. Hyde was crying, even though he'd forbidden
himself to let out this emotion after Kelso's dog incident. At the end, the teens were the last to walk
to the coffin. Eric was the first one
up. "Kelso, man..Thanks for being a
good pal. You gave us all laughs, and
now the sadness. I…love you, man." Donna just blew him a soft kiss, and stroked
his hand. Hyde was next. "Kel, Why'd you go and die on me? I planned on being friends with you 'till
you and I got out of college. I'm gonna
miss you and… I hope you and that bitch 'Lassie' are in Heaven together. Save
me a place, man." Fez and Jackie were
next. "Well, this is it.. I only knew you for a few years, but you've
provided many hours of enjoyment. You
made me feel at home, though I was away from my country..The beautiful country
of—" " Fez? Can I be alone with Michael for a few minutes?" Fez nodded and walked out quickly, happy to
get away from her for a while…. "Michael. I love you. I wanted you back with me sooo badly. I wanted to kiss you, and hug you, and hold
you tight…and I would have made sweet, sweet love to you forever…" She lowered
her voice to a whisper, "I love you," and she gently kissed his cold lips. She ran her finger along his hair, and
walked out.
The next morning, The Kelso family men pulled his
coffin out of the Hurst, and carried it to the thing that would lower it into
the ground. A pile of roses and
carnations were on the top of the casket, and everyone was softly weeping. The
pastor read Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for
his names' sake. Yea, though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil:
For thou art with me; thy rod and thy
staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a
table before me in the presence of mine enemies; thou annointest my head with
oil; my cup runneth over. Surely
goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: I will dwell in the
house of the Lord forever." Everyone
had stared to cry and sob. Everyone
left, but their lingering sadness stayed behind. When they got to Red and Kitty's home, where she was hosting a
memorial lunch, Donna and Eric sat outside on the back porch, and
reminisced. "Donna, remember that time
that me, you, Kelso, Jackie and Hyde were at Kel's and we were playing
baseball. Then suddenly out of nowhere
came that big stupid collie and—" "It bit Hyde on the ass and he started
crying? Yeah, I do. That was
hilarious." Donna smiled, and kissed Eric. "Don't you ever die on me." "Why
shouldn't I die on you?" He smirked. "If you do, I'll have Red ride your ass in hell." This time Eric kissed
Donna, and they held each other on the porch.
In
Fez's car, a used '66 G.T.O, Fez and Jackie were also reminiscing. "Jackie, i. Um.. I have a confession to
make. Y'know, I always dreamed of the
day when I'd get the chance to go out with you. I just didn't want the chance to come like this." "Fez? Date? But you are a foreign-born kid!
That is, like, way unpopular!" "Jackie, you are a Goddess. I don't care about popularity. Kelso is gone, and he wouldn't want you to
be alone. He loved you. I love you.
Please, give me a chance!" "Okay" and with that The two exchanged kisses.
Meanwhile, in Heaven:
God,
St. Peter, and Kelso are sitting around a golden t.v. set. Plugged into it, was a Pong system. God looks sort of like Tommy Chong, while
St. Peter looks like Cheech Marin. They
are having a pong challenge. "Wow, Man!
You're good at this game! Wanna go
again, or would you like to rest and go to the open bar?" God said. "Um…I'll go
to the bar. Is there anyplace I could
get some pot and a way to spy on my pals on Earth?" "Pot's available at the
bar, and spying is reserved for those who have been here for a year or two.
Sorry, man." St. Peter said. "Thanks
for letting me in here. The guys are
going to love this place. Free pot, beer, babes, and pong."
**NOTE: I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE BY SAYING THIS
STUFF ABOUT GOD, ST. PETER, AND HEAVEN, BUT I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT IN A
DERAGATORY SENSE. REMEMBER, THIS IS
ONLY FICTION!**
**I don't own the characters of T7S, and I don't know the
actors (nor will I ever) and they are owned by fox or carsey-warner, or
whoever….**