The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been missing for a while now. This is just more madness from my tiny little mind while waiting for season 8. Takes place shortly after Sorry Wrong Number. Just a little something I call…
Ray Gillette, Relationship Counselor
Ray casually took a small sip of scotch at the bar. It was a small comfortable place called the Purple Anvil. The light was low; the food was decent. The decorations were tasteful. It was a good place for Ray to simply have a quiet moment alone after the chaos earlier that evening.
At least that was the plan.
"Why is it everywhere I go I run into one of you idiots?"
"Oh great…" Ray rolled his eyes. He looked at Archer standing behind him.
"What are you doing here?" Archer asked.
"Me?" Ray did a double take as Archer sat next to him. "What are you doing here?"
"Long story," Archer groaned. "Hey Bartender, scotch! Neat!"
"How did you find me?" Ray asked.
"I wasn't looking for you," Archer said as he got his drink. "I was looking for somewhere to drink. And I didn't want to go to the same old places."
"Still haven't paid your bar tabs have you?" Ray asked.
"I've paid some," Archer protested before he took a drink.
"And by some you mean…?"
"One and a half," Archer admitted.
"A new definition of some," Ray remarked. "At least in the Sterling Archer edition of the dictionary."
"What is this a gay bar?" Archer looked around. "I see girls with guys. Guys with guys and…What looks like the beginnings of a threesome over there. In the negotiation phase obviously."
"More like a multi-sexual bar," Ray said. "Straight, gay, pansexual…"
"I withdraw the question…" Archer groaned. "Multi-sexual bar? That's a thing?"
"It is in California."
"Figures," Archer groaned. "Another reason California is the nuthouse capital of the world. So what are you doing here? Why aren't you at Pita Margaritas? How did the trivia contest go?"
"We almost won," Ray said. "But then we got disqualified in the final round."
"For cheating?"
"For starting a brawl with the other team," Ray groaned. "A little hint, never make disparaging remarks about trains around Cheryl."
"Who hates trains?" Archer was stunned. "Trains are awesome."
"I agree with you," Ray shrugged. "Too bad the captain of the other team didn't. And the fact he made some remarks against the Tunt name didn't help."
"How big was the fire?" Archer sighed.
"Not that bad," Ray shrugged. "I got to it quickly enough. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop Cheryl from biting the moderator."
"So I'm guessing we're banned from Pita Margaritas?"
"We would be if it was still standing," Ray said. "Believe it or not it wasn't us."
"I don't believe it," Archer said. "What happened?"
"Turns out the owner of this Pita Margaritas was operating without a liquor license for the past six months," Ray said. "And having illegal Pokémon matches in the back. As in for money. And using fan made Pokémon which is also illegal."
"That's a thing?"
"That is a thing," Ray nodded. "Let's just say the owner of the bar had a bit of a tiff with the authorities. And a very large rocket launcher. Unfortunately, he also had terrible aim. Hit a wall and a support beam."
"I don't believe it," Archer blinked. "A bar closed down and we had nothing to do with it?"
"I know," Ray agreed as he took a drink. "It blows the mind."
"So where is everyone?"
"Pam grabbed Cheryl and high tailed it out to who knows where before she could get arrested," Ray explained. "Krieger found a friend of his and grabbed him before he could get arrested and went who knows where. And Cyril got hit on the head by accident with a bottle of scotch and got knocked out. I don't know which hospital has him. I'll look in the morning."
"Ha…Wait," Archer did a double take. "Krieger has a friend?"
"Apparently," Ray shrugged. "I recognized him. Same guy I saw in his lab the other day."
"Huh," Archer blinked. "Who'd have thought it?"
"The point is it wasn't just us who lost out on the cash," Ray sighed. "So that money making idea went down the drain."
"In other words we wouldn't have gotten the money anyway if I was there or not," Archer groaned. "That should make me feel better but it doesn't. Hell, the fact that Cyril was hurt doesn't even make me feel better."
"Wow are your balls that sore?"
"Yeah but that's not why I'm upset," Archer sighed as he took another drink.
"Oh boy," Ray took a drink. "What happened?"
"Well I went to Lana's place to apologize and basically give up my manhood," Archer admitted. "So I could actually use my manhood."
"And…?"
"And eventually Lana grudgingly accepted my apology," Archer groaned. "But not without a long lecture. Then I told her I was tired and I left."
"That's it? Wait a minute," Ray was confused. "Something isn't right here."
"I didn't feel like having sex all right?" Archer snapped.
"Since when does Sterling Archer not feel like having sex?" Ray snapped. "I once saw you hit on a nurse with a bullet hole in your foot. Nuh-uh. Something smells fishy. And for once it's not your god awful cologne. Spill it."
"I did," Archer groaned. "By accident. That's why it's so powerful. But I didn't have time to take a shower…"
"Not the cologne," Ray groaned. "Lana! You and her not getting it on! What's going on?"
"Remember how I told you that I had feelings for Veronica Deane?" Archer asked.
"Yes Archer," Ray groaned. He made air quotes. "You have feelings. Which no one else is supposed to know about. And you have to keep them secret from now until the end of time. And no one is to ever speak of them ever upon pain of death. Even though you couldn't be more obvious if you hired a marching band and you ran around holding a sign saying I love Veronica Deane!"
"Okay in the first place…" Archer did a double take. "What do you mean I'm being obvious? How am I being obvious?"
"Well for starters you keep bragging on how she kissed you ever damn chance you get!" Ray gave him a look.
"I do not!" Archer snapped. Ray gave him another look. "What?"
FLASHBACK!
"Hey everybody!" Archer said aloud in a café that was next door to the Figgis Agency. "Veronica Deane kissed me! Pumpkin muffins for everybody!"
"You're the only person here," The woman at the counter said.
"Still counts as everybody," Archer shrugged.
FLASH!
"Hey, Veronica Deane kissed me," Archer said to a woman behind the checkout. He was buying a ton of different liquors.
"Yeah?" The woman remarked. "And Brad Pitt sends love letters to me every other week."
"Wow," Archer blinked. "Angelina must be pretty pissed."
FLASH!
"This round's on me!" Archer cheered. He was sitting at a table at a bar with Ray, Pam, Cheryl and Krieger. "Hey guys! Did I tell you that Veronica Deane kissed me?"
"Only five times this week," Ray groaned.
Pam spoke up. "Actually from where I was standing, it looked like you were kissing her so…"
"PAM!" Archer snapped.
FLASH!
"Hey," Archer said to a teenage boy working at McDonald's. "I'll have a double cheeseburger, hold the onions. Large fries. Medium coke. And I kissed Veronica Deane."
"Who?" The teenage boy asked. "Is that like my supervisor or something? Or is she one of the teachers at school?"
"Philistine!" Archer groaned.
"No, my name's Rob," The boy said. "Not Phil." Archer just gave him a look.
FLASH!
"I kissed Veronica Deane!" Archer said proudly to a man working at a tailor's shop. There was a pair of socks on the counter.
"Really?" The man asked. "Is she going to buy these socks for you? Your credit card has been declined!"
FLASH!
"Guys Veronica Deane so kissed me," Archer preened in the mirror at the men's room at the Figgis Agency.
"We know!" Ray, Cyril and Krieger said as one as they sat in the stalls.
FLASH!
"Let me tell you something Chris," Archer slurred while he was drinking a huge colorful glass at a Tiki Bar. Clearly inebriated. "I kissed Veronica Deane. No wait, she kissed me! That's how great I am."
"Yeah," Chris the Bartender groaned. "And I'm having an affair with Angelina Jolie!"
"Huh," Archer blinked. "Well that does explain the woman at the checkout stand."
FLASHFORWARD TO THE PRESENT!
Archer paused, realizing what Ray meant. "Oh. Continue."
"Number two," Ray went on. "You have been watching Veronica Deane movies nonstop for months! You even made the mistake of bringing Shanghai Moon on your date night with Lana!"
"I haven't been watching Veronica Deane movies nonstop," Archer told him.
"Name the last three movies Veronica Deane has done within the past three years," Ray said.
"Trick question dumb ass!" Archer said triumphantly. "She's done seven!"
"Uh huh."
"There was Thank You Ms. Kashew," Archer listed. "Humble Pie, Flavor of The Week, This Road Goes Nowhere, Scandal in Schenectady…Which was a very underrated movie by the way. It didn't deserve to go straight to video."
"Uh huh…"
"I mean it had better dialog than Fifty Shades of Grey," Archer went on. "Better sex scenes too."
"Uh huh."
"I think the main problem was distribution," Archer said. "The studio that handled that film completely mismanaged it. What else? Oh she did a voice over in an animated movie. The Steadfast Tin Soldier. Based of course on the story by Hans Christian Anderson. But obviously it was rewritten to have a happier ending."
"Uh huh."
"She played a mother mouse that was a friend of the ballerina," Archer explained. "She also had a bit part in the movie Scooter Gets It On. Not the Muppet by the way. But a teenager nicknamed Scooter."
"I gathered that."
"That would be a weird movie," Archer snorted. "If it was played by Scooter the Muppet instead of…Anyway she only had like five minutes total in that movie. She was supposed to have a pivotal scene that would have completely changed the course of the film and make it a million times better than it was. But noooo! They had to cut her part so they could have an extra twenty minutes of a guy in a gorilla costume riding a wet banana down a cliff! Thanks a lot director Fred McFlergleston! The Ed Wood of teenage coming of age sex comedies!"
"I am aware of his work," Ray said. "For lack of a better term."
"I know right?" Archer said. "I had to get the stupid director's cut so I could watch the scenes that were cut out! And that was not easy to find! The upside was when I did find it, I only had to pay a dollar so…"
"So basically you have become a fanboy movie expert on Veronica Deane overnight," Ray said. "Like those people that have to give every detail on everything about their favorite topic to anyone who will listen whether they like it or not."
"I am not like that!" Archer snapped.
"Yes you are!" Ray snapped. "You're starting to sound like Cyril."
"You take that back," Archer growled menacingly.
"Archer," Ray asked calmly. "Name three of Veronica Deane's body doubles."
"Another trick question," Archer sniffed. "She's only had two! She's done most of her own stunts and body shots! Except for Murder on the Mississippi Queen because it was a union thing and that one paddleboat scene was legitimately too dangerous."
"Uh huh," Ray sighed.
"And that double was the extremely talented Gloria Ventrasaro," Archer said. "Who not only won many awards for her stunt work, she became a good friend and Veronica's stuntwoman and drinking buddy for over a decade. Until that horrible plane crash incident where she died. She wasn't in the plane. A small plane literally crashed into her house while she was sleeping. Terrible tragedy."
"Uh huh."
"Her second stuntwoman was actually a man," Archer said. "Well started out as a man named Pedro Martinez. After working with Veronica on the movie She Died, My Not So Lovely He decided to transition and became Veronica Martinez."
"Uh huh…"
"You know we really do not give stunt people the credit they deserve," Archer went on. "They are literally the backbone of the industry and…And…"
"And?" Ray gave Archer a look.
"Oh my God," Archer blinked. "I am starting to sound like Cyril."
"Number three," Ray went on. "You constantly google Veronica Deane on your computer. Number Four, you read magazines featuring Veronica Deane. Number Five you doodled Veronica Deane's name a dozen times on your notepad…"
"Okay! I get it!" Archer snapped. "Maybe I am a little obsessed with Veronica?"
"A little?" Ray snapped.
"Okay! Maybe a lot!" Archer admitted. "But…Look I've never felt like this for a woman before."
"Yeah you have…" Ray groaned. "All of them as a matter of fact."
"No, it's different with Veronica," Archer waved. "And I feel like…If I have sex with Lana so soon after our moment…It would cheapen it."
"Let me see if I get this straight," Ray gave him a look. "You don't want to cheat on your imaginary girlfriend with your real girlfriend?"
"Well when you say it like that it does sound stupid," Archer admitted.
"That's because it is!" Ray snapped. "Archer do you honestly think this fantasy you have is going to come true?"
"Why not?" Archer asked. "Most of my fantasies usually do. Still waiting on that Top Gun sequel."
"Okay let's go at this from another angle," Ray groaned. "Let's assume for the sake of argument, that somehow you manage to sleep with Veronica Deane. Then what? Huh? Then where do you go from there?"
"Why would I think that far ahead?" Archer asked.
"Because if you don't you're going to really screw things up with Lana!" Ray snapped. "Let's say you sleep with Veronica Deane. How do you think that will make her feel? Besides blinding rage and the urge to kick your ass all the way across town?"
"She'd be pissed," Archer chucked.
"And that doesn't bother you in any way?" Ray was stunned. "Stupid question."
"Your words," Archer said.
"The fact that you could seriously hurt Lana's feelings doesn't even register with you does it?" Ray snapped.
"And she didn't try to hurt my feelings?" Archer snapped. "How about the time she made me believe that my child was being kidnapped? Just to test me? Huh? How about the time she said she would rather that my unborn baby would die rather than marry me? You didn't think those times hurt? Not as much as the times she literally shot me but still…"
"So you want to punish Lana for that by getting with Veronica?" Ray asked.
"No, I want to get with Veronica because she's hot!" Archer said. "Ticking Lana off would be just gravy."
"Archer mark my words," Ray said. "If you keep obsessing over Veronica Deane it's going to end in disaster! I just know it!"
"Why do you always say things like that?"
"Because that's what always happens!" Ray snapped. "Archer do you want some advice?"
"No but that's never stopped you before," Archer remarked as he finished his drink.
"I think you're taking Lana for granted," Ray said. "You should forget about Veronica Deane and focus on her. That way she won't be jealous."
"Getting Lana jealous is a perk," Archer snorted. "I just love the look on her face when she gets mad. Kind of a turn on actually."
"Keep going and she might turn you off! If I had a chance at true love and a family…" Ray said. "I wouldn't screw with it like you have! I probably never will but…If I had that chance to find the right guy…Maybe?"
"You're realize you're just as bad as I am when it comes to relationships right?" Archer remarked.
"I know I have commitment problems," Ray said. "But I'd be willing to work on it with the right person. Isn't Lana worth that?"
"I guess…" Archer admitted.
"I know it's not easy but maybe you could try and take Lana's feelings into consideration?" Ray said. "Forget this fantasy woman and focus on the real woman who actually loves you!"
"You mean see past all the glitz and glamor and look at the real woman behind Veronica Deane?" Archer asked.
"Again…Talking about Lana!" Ray was frustrated. "Not Veronica Freaking Deane!"
"Oh," Archer said. "But you do have a point."
"I do?" Ray was surprised.
"I really should pay more attention to Lana," Archer said. "Giving up sex from her? What was I thinking? I need all the sex I can get! I'm going to go back and tell Lana I changed my mind!"
"You realize it's after midnight right?" Ray asked.
"So?" Archer shrugged. "Plus I shouldn't make my interest in Veronica Deane so obvious. I mean I am probably going to get with her in the future so why spoil the moment?"
"Unbelievable…" Ray blinked. "As I don't believe the things that come out of your mouth. They are unbelievable."
"I know right?" Archer took it the wrong way. He stood up. "Good talk Ray. Good talk. You've got this right? See you…"
"I see you're stiffing me with your drink," Ray glared at him as he walked away.
"Yeah," Archer laughed as he left.
"Well I tried," Ray sighed as he paid for his drink and Archer's. "God I tried…And what do I get for my unselfish deed? Oh wait, I get to pay for Archer's screw ups. Again!"
Just then a group of very good looking men swaggered in. Judging by their mannerisms and actions they were clearly gay and slightly inebriated.
"Speaking of trying," Ray looked at the group of men. "Might as well try to make some new friends. Why should Archer have all the fun?"