Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen
A Collaborative Effort
Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, most unfortunately (not), Charlie Sheen, The Hulk, Selena Gomez, or Barack Obama most unfortunately.
Chapter 1
Narrator: Alice's taco sauce business is failing. Badly. Until…Justin Bieber comes flying through the window!
Alice: Ohhh! Customers! EDWARD! IS THERE ANY POTATOES IN THE KITCHEN? SOME GIRL'S WAITING IN THE LIVING ROOM!
Edward: Alice, only you have seen your imaginary potatoes. And what happened to the taco sauce?
Alice: That was SO yesterday…
Edward: But you just tried to serve Carlisle that five hours ago!
Alice: Your point being…
Justin Bieber: Um, is anyone gonna wait on me, or what?
Alice: Don't you sass me, little girl!
Justin Bieber: Ugh! WHY does this keep happening to me? I am NOT a girl!
Alice: And Charlie Sheen's not a crackhead.
Justin Bieber: But Charlie Sheen IS a crackhead!
Alice: And yet you still wonder why people call you a girl?
Justin Bieber: Being a transvestite is not a crime! My mother still loves me!
*Edward runs to Justin's house with his mother in his mouth*
Alice: AHA!
Justin Bieber: Noooooooo, MOM! Edward, you beast, you ate my madre!
Alice: Since when do you speak Spanish?
Justin Bieber: *goes off in extremely fast Spanish*
Alice: Holy crap, he's speaking gibberish and he's turning into a tomato! Emmett, get the bucket of water!
*Emmett runs in with bucket of water and splashes Justin*
Emmett: Calm down, Beaver Boy!
Justin Bieber: MY HAIR! YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR, YOU IDIOT! YOU MAKE JUSTIN MAD!
*Justin Bieber turns into The Hulk*
Alice: If you're not going to order anything, then feel welcome to leave. No hobos allowed, sorry.
Justin Bieber: But I'm Justin Bieber!
Alice: Nope…nope…nope…you're a big, green, hairy man, Justin Bieber was a girl.
Justin Bieber: TRANSVESTITE!
Alice: There is no need to be yelling random shiz like that.
*Justin runs away yelling the random shiz like that*
Alice: AH! There's a spider on the floor!
Edward: I'll get it! -picks up and eats spider-
Alice: Yummy.
Justin: I'm back, bitches!
Alice: NO!
*Edward punches Justin for no apparent reason*
Alice: Heh, look, he turned into the Brady Bunch.
*Brady Bunch family running loose*
Emmett: What the hell! Selena Gomez must be in the room.
Selena Gomez: Uh, hello? I am not Alex Russo, FYI. I'm portraying the part of Justin Bieber's girlfriend.
Alice: -shocked- Justin Bieber is a lesbian. And I thought Rebecca Black was married to Jacob.
Selena Gomez: Wow. You're almost as dumb as Miley Cyrus.
Justin Bieber: -back for some reason- WHERE'S THE TURKEY!
Esme: I GOT IT!
Carlisle: No one wants to hear about what a fail you are, sweetie.
Edward: Where did you just come from?
Carlisle: My mom's-
Alice: AHH!
Carlisle: -house. What? It's underground.
Edward: Oh, okay, 'cause I thought you were about to say-
Alice: AHHHH!
Carlisle: Many years ago, Alice was attacked by an a-
Alice: GAHHHH!
Carlisle: -as-
Alice: AHH!
Carlisle:-s and she hasn't gotten over it yet.
Emmett: Where'd the Bieber kid go?
Edward: I don't know, wasn't he in your as- BUTT?
Emmett: No, he stopped by Alice's restaurant, I dumped some water in his hair, he turned into The Hulk, Rosalie claimed she had a wedgie, Obama ate a biscuit, and I haven't seen him since.
Esme: Shit. That's not good. He really wanted this turkey badly.
Carlisle: Esme! Stop feeding people birds! There's a DISEASE!
Esme: Oh, sure, a disease only YOU know of.
Carlisle: I'm a doctor, bitch!
Esme: Oh, yeah…
Alice: So. Justin Bieber. Hulk. Biscuit. What's our plan?
Edward: There is no plan.
Alice: Oh.