Summary: Stan has been living a lie for most of his life. It tears at who and what he is, and the only he can truly talk to about it is Kyle. Slash…per se. Based on a true story. One shot.
Disclaimer: If I owned South Park not only would it lose its humor it would become a giant slash fest. Thank Matt and Trey for not giving it to me.
Warnings: Swearing and mentions of slash which is male/male relationships
AN: I was reading Tara's newest story, when something in her chapter triggered this memory. During Thanksgiving of last year and under the heavy influence of alcohol, my friends family's dirty laundry was exposed…so here's that story South Parkifed.
The Weight of Water
"Uncle Kyle!" The three girls, ranging from four to eight rush into my arms and I laugh as I'm almost knocked over. I alternate between the three in giving kisses, hugs and swinging them around.
"Whoa, whoa calm down girls, let him actually walk in the house," I look up and see Wendy smiling as she cradles the newest baby girl. Poor Stan, he really was hoping for a boy.
"Good to see you Wends, you're glowing," I gush at her grinning as I kiss her cheek gently. She kicks at me slightly frowning, but she can't hold in her laughter.
"I'm not glowing," she half pouts. "I look horrible."
"Nah uh, mommy looks beautiful!" Declares the four year old who quickly latches a hand onto my pants.
"Oh thank you sweetie," Wendy says smiling softly at her once youngest. "Why don't you girls go find your father and tell him Uncle Kyle is here hm?"
There's a mixture of shrieking and laugher before they scamper off, following their mother's request. The second they're gone I hold out my arms and Wendy gratefully unloads the newest member of the Marsh family into my arms. I coo at the sleeping baby girl, rocking her back and forth. From the corner of my eye I watch Wendy sigh and drop into a nearby chair.
It's no wonder she's exhausted as she only gave birth two weeks ago and her body hasn't fully recovered. I wonder if it ever will with all her and Stan's children being born so close together. Chloe is the oldest at eight and she's followed by Lindsey who is six, then there's Rose who is four and now the one I'm holding in my arms at two weeks old is Lily. Quite a load.
"She's gorgeous Wendy," I say softly as I eye my fourth goddaughter.
"Hm," Wendy responds as she closes her eyes. "Do you want her?"
"Wendy!"
"I'm kidding," she responds chuckling as she opens her eyes. "The other girls have been great with Lily, they really love her."
I lower myself down slowly to take a seat near Wendy, still supporting the baby girl. "So when are you going back to work?" I ask her.
"Three months!" She says forcefully. Wendy Testaburger-Marsh loves her children as much as the next mother, but commit her to life as a permanent homemaker and she'll start spouting off over the ordeals women had to go through to get equal rights and that she'll be damned if she sets her sex back by not using those rights.
Wendy laughs a little, "Stan says I should take a little bit more time off, but what does he know about birthing children, so how's Kenny?"
I nod to myself, "he's good. He had a business trip, but he's really sorry he couldn't be here to see Lily. He says he'll definitely be here the second he gets back overseas."
"Tell him there's no need to rush, she's not going anywhere," Wendy says smiling fondly at her.
I brush a hand over Lily's small little forehead, "I'll pass that on," I mutter and stare hard at the baby's mother. "How are you and Stan since we last talked?"
Wendy sighs, "we're-"
"See Daddy, we told you Uncle Kyle was here!" Comes Lindsey's voice. Wendy and I cut off our conversation and I turn and watch as the girls and Stan walk into the room. They're half pulling, half dragging their father toward me. Wendy immediately reaches over and takes Lily from my arms, allowing me to stand and properly greet my best friend. He gives me a hug and smile, all while the girls are squeezed in between us giggling.
"Dude, it's good to see you again," he says as he pulls away and tickles his daughters watching them scamper off toward Wendy who smiles.
"You too!" I grin at him.
"Where's Kenny?" He asks looking around as if expecting him to come out of the hallway bathroom.
"He couldn't make it, he had a business meeting in Germany."
"Germany?" Stan mutters, "the lucky bastard. Well his loss, have you seen my newest little girl, and your newest goddaughter?" He asks turning toward Wendy and his four daughters.
"Yeah, she's packing the looks just like her mother and her big sisters," I grin.
Wendy snorts, but she laughs and the little girls beam with pride up at me. They really are the cutest.
"I do procreate pretty well," Stan says jokingly and Wendy glares at him good naturedly as the girls ask what procreate means. Wendy rattles off a good enough definition and the girls are satisfied though they look a little restless.
"I see that squirming," Stan speaks up. "Why don't we give mom a break and we take the girls to the Pond?"
"Yay!" The girls immediately stand and race off. I'm assuming to go gather their ice skates.
"Maybe Chloe, Lindsey and Rose, but Lily will be feeding soon. Thanks for the offer though sweetie," Wendy responds smiling.
The girls quickly clamber back down the stairs and Stan and I gather around them making sure they're all properly bundled before we head out. I give Wendy a wave and a we'll-talk-later look before Stan and I head out with his three oldest daughters. At first the girls are content with walking beside me and their father and they chat merrily with me about all the happenings in elementary school, or in Rose's case, preschool.
But they soon find more enjoyment in each other and run ahead of us throwing snowballs and laughing, leaving us to carry their ice skates. Stan and I walk in companionable silence until we reach the pond. While Chloe laces up her own skates I help Lindsey and he helps Rose before the girls happily go off to skate on Starks Pond with a hoard of other children. We sit down on a nearby bench and watch the girls for little bit before he speaks up.
"How are you and Kenny?"
"We're doing good…really good," I add smiling when I think of the night before Kenny's departure.
When I hear Stan smirk, I glance at him and feel my face redden. I cough lightly and try to get a hold of myself.
"I'll bet," he says to me.
"But, you know," I go on. "It's more than the physical aspect, Kenny's…meant for me."
"I remember you used to say that about me," he says lightly and I look for any traces of jealousy in his face. There is none, he's simply reminiscing. "Kyle you know I love my family, I love Wendy, and I love my kids, but…" he pauses and looks at the girls skating on the ice. "I still wish I had told my dad to fuck off at times. I might not have been with you, even I admit that what you and Kenny have…we never could have had but I would have found someone else…I would have been happier. I'm happy now, but-"
I cut him off by discreetly resting a hand on his arm, "I'll never understand Stan, but I know what you're getting at."
"Yeah," he rubs his face with his hands causing me to remove my hand from his arm.
I shove my hands in my pockets and lean against the back of the bench, extending my legs in front of me. "Wendy called me about a month ago," I start up.
"Jesus Christ!" Stan interrupts me. "I'm fucking trying here, but it's pretty damn hard to be someone I'm not!"
"But she doesn't know you're playing a role Stan! When you only touch your wife when your best friend/ ex lover calls you to tell you that she's complained to him about it…" I trail off. "When's the last time you even touched her sexually?"
He swears under his breath, "probably the night Lily was conceived."
"And before that?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do."
"…I don't know…six months before that?"
"It's every six months. And do you know why I know?"
"Because Wends calls you, I know. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. But what am I supposed to do Kyle? Force myself to want to have sex with her when I'm not remotely attracted to her in that way?"
I shake my head, "you helped create the pit you're in, and you're hurting Wendy."
"Fuck, I know, I know! But it's too late now isn't it?" He glances back over at the pond watching his girls interact with other kids. "I've got them now, I have Lily...I'm married. I can't divorce Wendy now she'll want to know what for, and I'd rather die than tell her it's because I'm the way I am and that I've been like this since I realized it when I was sixteen."
"We were fifteen," I mutter half heartedly. "So you're just going to keep living like this?"
"It's too late now," he repeats. "I'm stuck." He shakes his head miserably, "and you'll never guess what happened to me a few weeks ago."
"What?"
"I was at a bar, and some guy hit on me. Kyle he was offering to rent us a room!"
I eye him curiously.
"…I almost went," he whispers out. "I almost went with some random guy I've never met to a hotel. I almost cheated on Wendy, on my girls…God…." He mutters out.
I pat him gently on the shoulder exhaling a breath I didn't know I was holding. "But you didn't, and that's all that matters," I say to him.
When Stan and I were fifteen we had been fooling around on my computer looking up internet porn, and somehow we were taken to a gay porn site. I think at first we were both equally disgusted, but at the same time we couldn't tear our eyes from the pictures. I remember hearing him mutter, "you can do that to another guy?" to himself and I remember had I silently nodded in equal bewilderment.
Afterwards we were both pretty uncomfortable and we couldn't look each other in the face, but at the moment we didn't know that the other was feeling the same way. At the same time we both exclaimed that we had to use the bathroom and that's when we caught each other's eyes, mine dropped automatically to Stan's pants, and I'm pretty sure his did the same.
We were both hard, and were both embarrassed as hell. I figured we would part then. Stan would go to the bathroom to fix his problem, and I would fix mine in my room. He had been the one to suggest we try some of the more low key things we had just seen in the porn. It was horribly awkward and messy and he went home right afterward. We didn't talk or look each other in the eye for about a good three weeks. But I realized after that time, that I saw Stan in a whole different light, I saw males in a different light.
Eventually I swallowed my worry and headed for his house, I ended up bumping into him halfway there. He had been heading for my house. We stuttered, and kicked around the bush for awhile before Stan came out with it first, "I liked it a lot." I had nodded and said I did too.
We didn't do anything hardcore until we were about eighteen and it was at that time that we started to talk about coming out to our parents. You wouldn't think it looking out our situations now, but I was the one who had the most concerns over it, because of my mother.
It'd be almost comical now if it wasn't so sad, that Stan was the one who had to convince me to tell my mom who I was and what we were together. And at a point it seemed luck was on our side because Shelly came out. Mr. Marsh wasn't happy but he was accepting and it seemed he figured it would happen eventually.
So only a few days later Stan and I told my mother together. She fainted and my dad gave me a shaking tight smile and said he'd talk to my mother about it more when she came to. I couldn't have had a better response in my opinion. From there, and a little more energized, we headed for Stan's house.
I remember it perfectly.
His mom and dad were in the living room talking quietly amongst themselves though we didn't know where Shelly was, frankly we didn't care. We walked in hand in hand, not saying a word. They stopped talking and stared at us, or more specifically our entwined fingers.
Mr. Marsh was the first to react. He stood and glared at us, "no." He said simply. "I already have one gay kid, I'm not having another. I won't be able to stomach having another." With that he left the house and we found out later he went to a bar and drank himself into near oblivion. Mrs. Marsh was a little more kind, but she said she didn't understand it.
Stan could have dealt with that sort of reaction, but his dad's right out refusal is what messed him up in the end. As much as he found him intolerable, Stan loves his dad and the rejection crushed him.
Eventually it crushed us.
He couldn't stand to be looked down in disgust by his dad and we broke up. No amount of pleading from my end, and throws of, "but I love you," worked. He couldn't do it.
He married Wendy about five years later and a year after that they had Chloe. His dad had never been happier. He'd never been more miserable, and it's just been a spiral since then.
The whole time Stan and I were together we kept it very low key, the only one who knew about us was Kenny, and he of course never told. So when I got my first call from Wendy about how Stan reacted over her I knew she didn't know why.
It was only six months after they had been married. The first time around, it was pretty awkward and I couldn't believe that she would be calling me of all people to talk about it, but of course she didn't, and she still doesn't know, exactly who I am and was to her husband.
"Kyle," she had started. "I know…this is going to sound strange but…you're Stan's best friend so he must tell you…"
I had stayed quiet as I had a vague idea of what she was going to get at.
"Stan…hasn't touched me…I mean- we haven't had sex since our honeymoon. That was six months ago Kyle…six months ago. I thought newlyweds were supposed to be all over each other. Do you know…is everything okay with him?"
Definitely one of the more uncomfortable calls I had ever had in my life, but I dodged it pretty well without lying too much and hung up with her. I called Stan right after and told her what Wendy and I talked about. He had sounded pretty grim on the phone but said his thanks and said he'd take care of it.
I didn't get another call from Wendy, concerning that topic, for another six months. When I did, I called Stan, he said he'd take care of it and to his relief they found out a few weeks later that Chloe was going to be born. But it ended up being this endless repetitive cycle. I think that's half the reason Stan likes kids so much and why he wants about ten of them. This way he's not obligated to have sex with his wife since it's not safe during pregnancy.
He went that route and I found someone I could love in Kenny. It wasn't until much much later, long after Stan and I broke things off, but I know he's partially resentful toward me as I am living the life he truly wants. Still, he made me the godfather of all his daughters. His ex lover, and the guy his children call uncle, because after a few painful years apart we ended up being best friends again. His entire life is a huge weight on his shoulders, but there's nothing he can do about it. Or at least, nothing he is willing to do about it.
"Come on girls!" Stan calls out as he suddenly stands. The girls glance over a little unhappily but Stan gives them the old don't-make-me-repeat-myself look and the three of them scamper over after saying their goodbyes to their friends. As we help the younger two with their laces and put their sneakers back on I catch Rose release a soft yawn.
"Hm, nap time," Stan mutters to me and I smile nodding. "Want a ride little girl?" He asks Rose and she whips her head up at her father suspiciously but ends up nodding her head vigorously. Stan scoops her up and she rests her head contently on Stan's shoulder.
"I want a ride too!" Lindsey proclaims and I look over at Chloe.
She tilts her head in the air, "I'm too old for rides."
I hide my grin as I hoist Lindsey on my back, "indeed you are," I say to her.
By the time we get back to the house both Rose and Lindsey have fallen asleep, something Stan, Wendy and I hold our laugher in over. Stan and I head up the stairs and place the sleeping girls in their bed while Chloe stays downstairs with her mom who starts to make her a snack.
"I'll tuck them in," Stan whispers to me as he starts to take off shoes. "Thanks for bringing her up." I nod silently and go back down the stairs to the living room where Chloe is now eating a sandwich in front of the television set. Heading into the kitchen I grin at Wendy who's cleaning a few dishes.
"Where's my sandwich?" I ask her and she snorts, pointing toward the fridge. "You know you're more than welcome to make one."
Instead I opt out and sit at the breakfast nook.
"How was the pond?" She asks me.
"It was good; the girls had a lot of fun, and you and Lily?"
"She ate and now she's asleep upstairs again," Wendy finishes the few dishes she had cleaned and joins me at the small comfy table to where her back is facing the living room.
"So?" I ask.
"So," she sighs. "I'm starting to think Stan doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore."
I wave it off, like I always do and start off how I always start of this sort of conversation, "Wendy, Stan loves you." And he does, just not in the way she'd like.
Stan is living proof that just because you're married and just because you have kids it doesn't mean you like it. There's a whole other side to Stan that Wendy doesn't know about, and I wonder if he ever came to his senses if she would understand. It's a hard call, and I can see why he doesn't want to make it.
I don't glance at him since I don't want to raise Wendy's attention but Stan is standing in the living room looking over at us. He crosses his arms and looks down at the ground for a second, before he looks up us. While Wendy is distracted with fiddling her thumbs, I watch as Stan mouths something to me.
Thanks
I give a slight nod and he turns and joins Chloe in front of the television. He gathers his oldest daughter in his arms as she falls against her father's chest continuing to watch the cartoons she loves so much.
-FG