Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

Author's Note: Flashbacks are in italics.

Finding Grace

I found him on the beach and we embraced. He just held me there, the peace, the contempt.

I was breathlessly in heaven, "Stay with me."

"Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave." That was his reply, "Not even if you kill me."

I woke up sweating. It was just a dream, I tell myself, it was just a dream. Yet the last few words that he said struck out and I can't get it out of my head. I tried to pull the pillow over and cover my ears, but the words drowned my mind. It is like a virus spreading, from the mind to the body, finally to my heart and soul.

"I love you." Angel whispers.

"I love you." God, I can't believe what I'm about to do next. I don't think I can comprehend what it means, it's like a split down the middle. "Close your eyes." If fate has me to go through with this cruelty, then the last thing that I want to him to see is the happy confident side of me, telling him that I love him. But I knew the real reason. I couldn't. I just couldn't look into those soulful eyes. I can't bear to see the pain, the betrayal and the heartbreak that he will definitely have if he saw the action that I was about to take part of.

After a final desperate kiss, I had to. I had to drive the sword through his body to save the world. God, how did it ever come down to this scenario?

I couldn't think of what happened after that. Everything became a blur and all I could see is an empty darkness. I wasn't even falling anymore, because there was nothing left for me to let go. I can only remember the silence. No more words of congratulations, no more kisses of goodbye, no more hell on earth. No more love. No more me.

"No weapons…no friends…no hope. Take all that away…and what's left?"

"Me."

I don't even have that anymore. I let that go when I sent him to hell. The kind and soulful man who had to endure whatever the demon inside of him had for punishment. And when hope is gone, the only thing I know how to do is to leave. I am not me anymore.

There is no home left to go to, for my mother doesn't understand the sacrifices I have to make to save the world…again. There are no friends because they could never understood what I had to go through, had to kill. There is no Slayer, she is now officially dead.

I ran, and I ran. But the memories stuck with me, like adhesive glue that I can't get rid of. I can only hide. Hide in a place where I am not me. Hide in a place where I don't exist. Hide in a place where I don't have to face life. Yet, it stuck with me. No matter how hard I try to climb out of the past, it pulls me down deeper, and I cannot get back up.

Maybe, just maybe, it is better to just lie here. If I don't sleep, I don't dream. And if I don't dream, I won't have to face me anymore.

I wonder if me friends, my mother, my Watcher, will ever forgive me for leaving. Grace is not something that is given to the deserved. I don't know if that grace is real or not. I don't know if I have the grace of Angel's understanding. Most importantly, I don't know if I can do so myself…

Grace. I haven't found it yet.