the child sitting in the tree, daring him to climb up higher
he thinks
that
might be the only time he's ever been courageous, rising to her challenge
the time
she was seven and she
cut off all her hair to look like
a
b o y ' s
because her mother said that pureblood girls
don't
go climbing trees
don't
get their dress robes dirty
don't forget to do their schoolwork and did she want to be behind all the mudbloods anyway?
and she'd said fine
and cut off her hair
her lovely long beautiful hair and her sister went and tattled but he, he thought she looked
l
when they were eleven and going to Hogwarts and her sister cried and cried on the platform
he felt so guilty
that they were leaving her behind
Astoria loved Daphne nearly as much as he did
they sat with someone named
The-o-dore on the train
he goes by theo not teddy
Daphne didn't like him
and he's afraid, afraid he won't be in Slytherin afraid he's a disgrace to the family and he can feel himself slipping and
she's squeezing his hand
she's holding him
she won't ever let go
and he's okay again
they're in Slytherin
same year
same first year dorm
but seperate bedrooms of course
because that wouldn't be proper
he's heard the older boys Father brings round giggling before
he knows what boys and girls do when they're in their dorm rooms
but he and Daphne aren't like that
he loves her
but he's not in love with her
she's just s
he doesn't know how to explain it really
only that she's the only one
he can say he's scared to
in second year when the chamber was opened
she was the only one with the balls
well not really but the metaphor stands
to tell him to suck it up when that hippogriff scratched him
she cheered him at every Quidditch match and
consoled him after every time Potter bested him
and tutored him in Transfiguration because he
really was terrible even though he's pretty good
at Charms
he feels irrationally jealous when Flint takes her
to the Yule Ball
she looks stunning in green
with ropes of pearls at her neck and silver in her hair
a perfect princess
he likes her better when
she kicks off her shoes in protest
and slouches in her chair
and drinks butterbeer until she's tipsy
he asked Theo to take Astoria
because she told him how much her sister wanted to go
but he'd already asked Pansy because Flint asked Daphne
Astoria was an angel in white
little more than a child
she teases him about how tall he's gotten
that his dress robes are a little short
he panics
she laughs and he realizes she's joking
the awkward teenage years have left him gangly and slightly
left footed
which was a shame she said because she was hoping he'd ask for a dance
he nearly trips over himself trying to say yes fast enough
they used to be nearly the same height but she is still child sized
like a prized little china doll
that doesn't want to stay
on the shelf
it is that summer that they kiss for the first time
she is the one who initiates it because half the time he secretly wonders if she should have been a
Gryffindor
she's just that way
it is sloppy and full of tongue
he makes a habit of sneaking to the Greengrass summer manse every evening after that
her skin is buttery against his with sweat
eyes dilated with lust
full of desperation
and he thinks he's always been in love with her
but maybe he just didn't know it
or maybe he just couldn't show it
because he didn't have the
e
but it doesn't matter because
she's kissing him now
and her hands are on him now
and he's inside her now
and it is perfectly, inexplicably right for all the
summer heat
and clumsiness
and giggling
and mishaps that go with this moment
like when she kneed him in the ribs
or when he bit her lip so hard she bled
but they are too far gone to care
too full of pleasure
but they grow apart next year
she hates Umbridge
she hates the ministry
she believes Potter
howcouldyouhowcouldyouhowcouldyou
and she told him he didn't own her and just like that they were suddenly over
Blaise tells him to get over it his mother has lost nine husbands he should brighten up
Theo gets his hands on some firewhiskey he doesn't know how but he drinks it too fast
and calls in with a hangover the next morning
and that
is exactly what this feels like, this emptiness of Daphne
a hangover
an ache where she was
or rather where she wasn't
and she won't forgive him and he wonders if he is beyondredemptionbeyondredemption
deatheaterdeatheaterdeatheater
and then the anger comes and fills that hole
that hole of desperate
w a n t
n e e d
g
when he gets the mark he screams
and his thoughts fill with her telling him to suck it up
the Dark Lord
finds this
amusing
it is not amusing
it is love
he wonders if he should have done it
this place where love is forbidden and killing is commonplace
is no place for him he knows that
he lacks the callousness
but he buries it because if he can't win her love he can still try for Father's
try until he's hiccuping on the floor cradling his left forearm
and thinking of that old man's face
and hoping that they win this war because
otherwise she'll never look at him again
he spends
a lot of time in the bathroom that year
maybe it's because the dripping water is oddly soothing
maybe it's because he gets an odd kind of companionship from
Moaning Myrtle
both crying
both inbetweens
both invisible to the people they need the most
or maybe it's really just because no one
comes in here and he doesn't want them to see him cry
she finds him after the Christmas holidays
she always does
whenever he really needs her
she looks fine
she looks happy
she is beautiful and healthy and doing well in all her classes
and they start to connect again
he regrets all the times they played games
as children
where he was king or lord or knight
and she only the damsel in distress
because he needs her so much more than she needs him
he is the weakling
the coward
the one who needs rescuing
she never wanted to be that pureblood princess
but she played it anyway because she loved
y o u
and he threw it away
he wants to say he's sorry
he wants her to take him back
and she still loves him
but she hides it
after all she's dating roger davies now anyway
but she holds him when he cries
and helps him with his homework
and jokes with him over dinner
and it is almost back to normal
she is still furious at the mark on his arm
because she is too
good
kind
brave
to bear that badge of shame
he talks to Astoria sometimes
she's just as
lonely
adrift
lost
without her sister as he is
they hear rumors that Daphne is a spy
working with a resistance group
and they are afraid together
but it feels good to allow himself to be loved again
they kiss just once more
before the final battle
she says she wants to stand and fight
this
this is the chance she's always wanted
since she was that little girl who cut off her long long hair
to be a hero
a real one
not the sidekick
not the love interest
a hero
she makes him promise he'll get Astoria out safely
she asks him if he'll do the right thing
he says he doesn't know what that is anymore
she kisses him
thatistherightthing
he thinks but she is already fleeing from him
into the labyrinth of exploding spells and debris and fighters braver than him
he's fighting with the death eaters
but not really
because he is too afraid
he's heard it said that fiendfiyre is seen differently by everyone
that there are monsters in it
his monster is the dark lord
and father
and Daphne's face over and over
their first fight
their disagreement over the IS
their breakup
when she saw the Mark
he's not sure if he's grateful when Potter takes him away
away from the blistering heat of her anger
and disappointment
and all the ways he's failed her
her body is never found
she died a hero.
like she wanted.
he marries Astoria
like the heir to the house he is supposed to be
she looks like an angel in white
the two of them cry through the wedding
not because they are
happy
or angry
or even sad
it's because they can see the
Daphne-shaped hole in their hearts
where love is supposed to be.