*A/N: Okay. This starts with the dialogue from the scene where Kurt walks into the loft to find Blaine. The dialogue is exactly as it is in the scene (thanks to Hulu and the use of subtitles!) This was thrown together in a few hours because it wouldn't leave my head. I have another one for the Untitled Rachel Berry Project between "All of Me" and the "bird scene". That might get posted later today or tomorrow. Side note: my unfinished one that I won't publish yet is up to about 65,000 words, as of yesterday. YAY WORD PORN! Enjoy this little ficlet. Please review if you like it or not. I love internet cookies and welcome criticism.*
Kurt walked into the loft his eyes searching the apartment for Blaine. After they had fought at school he hadn't seen him for the rest of the day. He had heard he skipped the last class of the day. The only one today that they didn't have together. On his way home he had called Artie, and Sam to see if Blaine went over there. Sam said he saw Blaine come in, change, and then leave so he assumed Blaine went to Kurt's. Both men said if they saw or heard from him they'd make sure Kurt knew he was alright. Mercedes and said she'd keep an eye out for Blaine as well. Rachel's phone went to voicemail the first two times Kurt had called so now he was onto Elliot. Maybe, just maybe Blaine went there to vent. It seemed to help last time they had a fight. Elliot told Kurt he hadn't seen or heard from Blaine but suggested that they try to work out whatever is going on between them. Elliot saw the way they looked at each other and was sure they loved each other but maybe they needed to communicate better. Rachel called Kurt back only five minutes after he hung up with Elliot. So here he was, finishing up his conversation with Rachel while hoping he'd find Blaine at the loft. If he wasn't there Kurt was about to start calling hospitals in a panic.
"Yeah. He's here." Kurt put his bag on the kitchen chair, "Okay, okay. Bye. Bye." He said as he watched Blaine sip his soda on the couch. Blaine looked over at Kurt with sadness in his eyes, "That was Rachel. She was just confirming us for her opening night." Kurt said. He wanted to hear what Blaine had to say before he let him know Kurt was worried sick about where Blaine was. They needed to talk about what happened.
Blaine licked his lips, "What'd you tell her?" He wasn't sure how mad Kurt was. Maybe he said he'd go without Blaine. Maybe neither one would go.
"I said yeah if we don't kill each other in Combat Class first." Kurt said his arms folded while he shrugged off his jacket placing it on the back of a chair, "What happened in there?" Kurt walked towards the living room, "You were really coming at me at like…like as if you had something to prove." Kurt faltered over his words, "What I'm not sure."
Blaine looked down at his feet, "That I'm as strong as you are." He admitted.
"Okay, but it's not a contest." Kurt shook his head. Blaine wasn't making much sense.
Blaine looked confused, "Isn't it though? On some level. 'Cause for the first time in my life I…I really feel like I'm losing. I've felt that way ever since I got to New York." He said softly. "I feel like…we're in this race together and you are just so much farther than I am." Blaine put his hands out while he talked, "And I…uh…it just feels like the whole balance has shifted."
"What balance?" Kurt said harshly.
Blaine sighed, "I guess it all started when you came to Dalton and you were trying to get away from Karofsky and I wanted to help you through that." Blaine remembered the first time he talked to Kurt about his high school bully.
Kurt sat in the chair at the end of the coffee table. He kept his guard up and his arms crossed as he talked, "And you did." He nodded his head.
"And I loved the way that felt…I loved it…I loved being able to protect you." Blaine rubbed his hand over his face, "But now I look at your life and …it's…completely different." His eyes welled up with tears, "Y…you're a star at school, y…you have all these cool new friends, y…you started this band and I just…I feel like you don't need me anymore to protect or anything. I mean you asked me to move out for god's sake." He put his soda can on the coffee table. Blaine got up and walked into the kitchen. He had to get out of that room. It was starting to be too much. He had to get this out before it ate him up alive.
Kurt turned in his chair his defenses high, "We made that decision together." He followed Blaine into the kitchen, "So-so is that what all this stuff is about that's going on? I mean, you trying to get me to eat more?" Kurt shrugged his shoulders at Blaine's back.
Blaine turned around, the tears still threatening to fall. He place his open hand on his chest, "I don't like the way that I feel about myself anymore, Kurt. Okay." He said loudly, "And you." He waved his hand at Kurt, "Have this like a…amazing new body…do you want to know why we haven't been intimate?" He rubbed his temples before throwing his arm out to the side, "It's because I feel insecure around you." Blaine hadn't meant to yell but he was getting so frustrated and ashamed, "I feel insecure around my own fiancé and isn't going to judge me." He cried.
Kurt kept his arms crossed as he moved closer to Blaine. His face slowly breaking down as he watched Blaine explain, "And neither will I." Blaine opened his mouth to speak but Kurt cut him off, "Ever." He said sternly. Blaine shook his head and looked down. He couldn't believe Kurt wouldn't notice the extra weight Blaine had put on. He knew that he looked fat and ugly. Gone was that dapper boy from the prep school boxing club. Now it was just fat Blaine, "But I am not going to apologize for not being some delicate flower that needs his boyfriend to protect him." Kurt's voice broke Blaine's thoughts. Blaine took a breath as he willed himself not to cry. Kurt walked towards Blaine, "And you know what? Maybe you're right, maybe it is a contest. Maybe that's the way it has to be with two guys but I would much rather be running this race with you rather than against you." Blaine put his hands on his hips as Kurt spoke.
"Me too. I just..."
Kurt cut Blaine off again, "As. Equals." He punctuated each word.
Blaine put his hands over his face rubbing his eyes, I know. I know. I…I know. I know that. I'm sorry, I'm just…" Blaine said as he slid his hands to the side of his face. He took a deep breath, "I'm just so scared that you're gonna, "Blaine's hands shook as he choked back a sob, "Keep changing, and you're gonna keep getting stronger and then one day you're gonna wake up and your gonna realize that I don't love him anymore." He whispered his confession. The tears slipped slowly out of his eyes.
Kurt nearly broke down, "Never." He shook his head to make his point, "I'm always gonna love you." He said forcefully, "And I don't' want you to be insecure or ashamed around me." Kurt felt his defenses drop as Blaine stood in front of him looking so broken and depressed, "Next time you're going through something like this, you…you have to be honest with me." Kurt stepped closer to Blaine. All he wanted to do was pull the younger man into his arms and hold him until he felt the love Kurt had for him.
Blaine put his hands down and stared at Kurt, "Okay." He whispered not knowing what else to say. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine. Blaine clung to Kurt as if he was drowning, "Okay." He mumbled against Kurt's shoulder. Kurt tightened his grip around his fiancé. Blaine let the hot tears slide down his cheeks as he held onto Kurt. He still hadn't resolved anything. He still felt disgusting. He knew that Kurt loved him but Kurt still hadn't seen him without a shirt, let alone naked, for almost a week now that they were living apart. He was so fat. Blaine held back a sob.
"I'm here." Kurt whispered, "I've got you." His fingers rubbed Blaine's shoulders, "Let it out." He comforted. Blaine obviously was upset and needed to have a good cry. Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine's neck as Blaine cried on his shoulder. Something was still wrong. Kurt could feel it in the pit of his stomach. This still wasn't over but for now it seemed to be paused. He had to get Blaine to open up a little more. After a few moments Kurt pulled away from Blaine's touch. Just enough to look Blaine in the eyes, "C'mon. Let's go sit on the couch. Or we can go lie down if you want." Kurt suggested. Either one would give him the opportunity to hopefully figure out what else was wrong.
"Couch." Blaine said. He was trying to avoid the bedroom as much as he could. Blaine allowed Kurt to lead him to the couch. Kurt lay sideways on the couch with Blaine cradled against the back of the couch and Kurt's side. His head on Kurt's chest. The tears had stopped but Blaine still couldn't regulate his breathing.
"Tell me what's bothering you." Kurt nudged slightly, "Please." His fingers ran up and down Blaine's back. Blaine looked like he tried to say something then decided not to, "B." Kurt used the nickname reserved just for him, "Love. I can't help you unless you talk to me." He tried, "Why don't you like yourself anymore? What makes you feel so insecure?" Kurt figured if Blaine wasn't going to give any answers he needed to ask specific questions.
"Kurt." Blaine rolled the name off his tongue, "I just…I." Blaine sighed. This was too hard. He couldn't do this. Kurt's arms held him tight. His soft green eyes never left Blaine's deep hazel ones. Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat and tried again, "I just feel like you don't need me." He said softly, "Like you are such a star already that you don't need me around to do anything for you anymore. I loved being able to be your rock. I loved being that person that you called when you had a bad day or needed advice. And since you left for New York I've felt like I lost a part of me and I can't find it." Blaine felt Kurt take a breath and start to speak, "Please just let me finish." He asked without even looking at Kurt. He felt Kurt nod his head and Kurt's fingertips graze his arm, "I feel like…like you got to grow into this amazing man and I'm still that dumb kid in high school pining away for you." He licked his lips, "I've gained weight since I've been here. I've been less active. You have this amazing body. You are toned and lean. You get compliments all the time at school. Everyone wants to date you or be with you. The way they look at you looks like they want to take you then and there. And I sit in the back just watching you get fawned over. I get to be the butt of the jokes and kicked to the bottom of the totem pole while you win the popularity contest and…and you…y…you have everything." Blaine closed his eyes while he spoke, "You deserve everything and I'm not saying you don't because you do." He sighed, "But it's like we are on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. You've made it to the top of the class while I'm barely surviving. We go to Combat Class and of course you are skins. Look at you! You deserve to show off. I sit there and try to hide in the back. The guys all crack jokes about how I look, I hear the comments they say about how if you want it to it's not like it would be cheating, and today one of them told me that if he gets his chance he's going to show…sh..Show you what a real man looks like and he wanted to know how you could be with someone that looked like me." He shrugged his shoulders, "And I didn't have an answer for him."
Kurt interrupted Blaine. He knew that Blaine wanted to get it all out without holding a conversation but this needed to be said, "If I knew they were saying those things I would have told them all off. I would have told them how proud I am to be your fiancé and this ring on my finger means forever. That you are perfect. You are the only one I ever want to be with. That I'm with you because I love you. You are all the man I need in my life." He dropped a kiss on Blaine's head.
Blaine sighed, "But I know where they are coming from." Kurt looked down at Blaine, "Look at you and then look at me." Blaine gestured to his body, "It's totally different. You are like…like a sex icon. Like sex on a stick and I'm just some fat dumpy guy who everyone laughs at."
"Sweetie." Kurt sighed, "Come with me." He pulled Blaine into their bedroom, "Here." Kurt stood a reluctant Blaine in front of the full length mirror, "Take off your shirt and pants."
"Kurt." Blaine sighed. He didn't know where Kurt was going with this but he really wasn't in the mood right now.
"B….Please. It's just you and I. And you have to know I'd never pick on you." Kurt kissed Blaine's cheek softly.
Blaine sighed, "I know…I know…I just."
Kurt tugged at Blaine's sweater, "Baby. I just want to show you something, okay?" Kurt took Blaine's hand and placed it over his heart, "I promise. It's okay." Blaine nodded his head and let Kurt help slid off the sweater he had on. Blaine fumbled with his belt slightly. Kurt's hands slid over Blaine's shaky ones. Kurt helped Blaine take off his belt and step out of his pants. Kurt turned Blaine back to the mirror, "Tell me what you see."
Blaine's hands subconsciously wrapped around his middle section, "Just me. I see extra weight. No muscle. No definition. Nothing. It's just fat me. I don't see anything special. Just me. Someone who doesn't deserve someone that looks like you. You deserve someone as sexy as you are and I'm here as the dumpy househusband."
"Do you want to know what I see?" Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's pulling them off his stomach. He kissed Blaine's bare shoulder, "I see…you're eyes. You're wonderful, full of love, hazel eyes. I know that every time I look into them I see love. I see us. I see your soul. I can tell how you feel by looking at them. They darken when you are mad or upset and go soft and light when we are making love and you are sprawled out underneath me." Kurt leaned into Blaine, "The next thing I see is the tips of your ears and your nose. The same tips and nose that turns red when you get flustered or embarrassed when I flirt or say too much in public. I see your hair. God how I love your hair. Gel or no gel. I love the way you look with it swept to the side neat and tidy. Like a proper Warbler. And when you get out of the shower before you get a chance to tame it. I love the way my fingers glide through the curls. First thing in the morning I know you think bed head isn't sexy but it is. Your curls are a huge turn on for me. The fact that you gel it when around our friends or at school just makes me love your curls more. It's like a special piece of you that only I have. I love to play with them as you kiss me when we are making love." Kurt traced a line from the nape of Blaine's neck to his jaw, "I see your lips. So full, plump, beautiful. Lips that I want to kiss every day. A mouth that my tongue begs to slide into. Lips so distracting that I lose my thoughts when I stare at them for too long. I see your jaw and high cheekbones. I see the tiny stubble start to show when you climb into bed at night. I love the difference of the rough feeling when you don't shave and the smooth clean Dalton face you have every day. I see your cheekbones and all I can think about is how defined they are when your mouth is wrapped around me for a morning blow job."
Kurt massaged Blaine's shoulders softly, "I see your throat. The throat I love to lick and suck. I love the one spot you have that once I lick it, you turn to jelly. I see your strong arms. The same arms that held me in that hospital bed all day and night until I came home. The same arms that wrapped around me tight as I cried in my sleep. The arms that kept the nightmares away. The arms that protected me from Karofsky. The arms that pushed me out of the way and took a rock salt slushy that was intended for me. I see your arms and am reminded of all the times I needed your embrace and you were ready for me. Your strong arms that I know are always there for me when I need a hug. Your wonderful hugs. The arms that squeeze me tight and cuddle me in bed. The only place I ever feel like home is when I'm wrapped up in your arms." Kurt ghosted his fingers up and down Blaine's arms as he talked, "These strong shoulders that are there to hold me up when I fall. Such broad handsome shoulders that my hands were made for massaging. The same shoulders that I love to kiss from behind because my mouth just drops right to them. The shoulders I love to rest my head on when we dance." Kurt kissed his shoulders, "Your tender hands. The magic you have in your fingers. I feel it every time you touch me. I feel the spark of electricity still. The way you hold my head when we kiss is one of my favorite things. It makes me feel like you want me so much that you have to hold onto me so I don't drift away. I never will. I love the way just holding your hand can make me feel like I'm the whole world. The finger that one day I'll put a ring on to declare you're off limits to anyone who doesn't already know that." Kurt brought Blaine's left hand up as he caressed his ring finger, "You're hands that hold me when I need to be held, cook dinner, play perfectly on the piano, strum romantically on the guitar, and touch me in places only meant for you, the hands that hold my heart."
Kurt moved his hands up to Blaine's chest, "I see your strong chest. Just looking at it turns me on. I want to kiss and lick it as much as possible. I know your heart is in the middle beating strongly. It's my favorite noise to fall asleep too. I love hearing your heart beat. I watch as you puff out your chest when you try to impress someone with your beautiful voice, and drop it when you feel upset. I see your chest loosen after a few soft kisses. I know the exact spot I can lick to hear your breath get caught in your throat. I know the spot to kiss and the way to rub my finger across your nipple to make you get that squealing sound I love to hear so much. I know that when I kiss my way down your body from your throat you're going to standing at attention ready for my mouth to suck you dry or have you pound into me. I see your strong back. The back that arches into me when we have sex. The back that bends when my dick is inside you and I'm pumping into you from behind. I see your gorgeous abdomen. The soft tummy that pillows my head when I lay on top of you. I won't lie and say I didn't notice the weight gain. And I swear I'm not lying when I say it's sexy. I love that I have something to hold onto when I fuck you. I love you having a little extra of you to hold. A soft pouch to lick and kiss as I make love to you. I love knowing that if I swirl around your belly button I can see the goose bumps on your tummy. The skin here is so soft, and tender. I love to kiss and lick it." Kurt rubbed his hands down Blaine's front, "I see your beautiful feet. I've never been into feet until I found out that if I rub my finger the right way when giving you a foot rub I can get you to actually purr. It's so exhilarating to know that a single movement can elicit that response from you. I see your strong legs that hold me up when I need to lean on you. The legs that are strong enough to pin me to the wall, hold me there while we fuck and let me wrap mine around you. The legs that drape over mine in the middle of the night pulling me in close while we sleep."
Kurt ran his hands over Blaine's hips, "I see your perfect round ass. The one that I fight a battle every day about. I'm never sure if I want to lick it or slap it but I defiantly want to interact with it daily. I love the way I grip it when we mess around. I love parting you slowly when we make love. Sliding my tongue around waiting for the right moment to slip it inside. It's so perfectly…delicious. I see your beautiful penis. How it tents your boxers when I do this to it." Kurt grazed his hand over the front of Blaine's boxers, "I love how big you are, how you fit perfectly in my ass. I love sliding my tongue up and down it. I love the taste of you in my mouth. The way you shudder when I swirl my tongue around the head. The way I can feel your pulse in my mouth right before you cum. It fits perfectly in my hand. Like we were made for each other." Kurt said honestly. He had stopped his hand from sliding into Blaine's boxers and moved it back to his shoulders, "I love your body. Every part of your body. You have a perfect body. I see so much when I look at you. I see much more than 'just you'. I see the love of my life. I see my future husband. I see the sexist man alive. I see someone who loves me. I never see someone who doesn't look like the person I want to fuck right then and there. I see you. Underneath me, on top of me, running your fingers through my hair, holding my hand. I just see you."
Kurt rubbed Blaine's back slowly, "If I were you, I wouldn't change a thing unless you want to change it. Don't change because you think you have to or you think I want you too. You need to do it for you." Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes through the mirror, "I love you. No matter what." He declared, "Six pack or not." He swallowed his sob that almost escaped, "I will always love you. You are the only one for me." Blaine spun around in Kurt's arms. Kurt took his face in his hands, "You are so much more than 'just Blaine'. I'm the one that doesn't deserve such perfection in my life. You are the only man I want to share my body with. You are my life. You are my soul mate. You are my protector. You are my love. You are my man. My perfect angel. You are everything to me." Kurt leaned his head towards Blaine letting their foreheads rest against each other, "I love you." He whispered before claiming Blaine's lips with his. Kurt's tongue darted out and found Blaine's. Blaine opened his mouth accepting the sensual kiss. Kurt's arms wrapped around Blaine tightly holding him close. Blaine held onto Kurt as if his life depended on it. Hot tears again made their way down his face. Kurt didn't stop kissing Blaine until they had to part for air. Kurt slowly sucked Blaine's bottom lip as they caught their breath. Kurt stumbled backwards taking Blaine with him onto the bed. It had been far too long since they had been naked together.
Kurt pressed Blaine into the mattress, "I love you so much Blaine." Blaine frantically tugged at Kurt's clothes. He needed them off. Blaine needed to feel Kurt skin to skin. Blaine stayed at Kurt's that night. Making love, cuddling each other, swapping who was the big spoon and who was on top. Kurt was always conscious of tossing on a pair of pajama pants when he knew Rachel would be around but tonight with his focus solely on Blaine, both men slept naked. Limbs tangled together, fingers sprawled across each other carelessly. Kurt watched as his angel fell asleep in his arms. Kurt was playing the big spoon with Blaine wrapped up inside him. In the back of his mind Kurt knew this wasn't the last conversation they would have that would stem from Blaine's insecurities. But as long as they both tried to communicate more, hopefully they could avoid re-living the fight they had. Blaine needed to talk about how he felt more and open up to Kurt when he was having a problem or was upset. Kurt knew not only did he need to make sure Blaine knew how much Kurt loved him; he needed to make sure Blaine knew Kurt would always be there. Fearlessly and forever.