A/N: This story is based on a pretty amazing song my friend showed me a few months ago. I heard the song yesterday and it inspired this.
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EPOV
I sat down on the park bench and placed my elbows on my knees, holding my head in my hands. I let out a shuddering exhale and tried to hold back the tears. My mom's words echoing in my ears.
"I'm so sorry Edward. If I had known this would have happened I would have called you at your uncle's. She came down to the house last night asking for you. I told her you were still at your uncle's for the summer. They found her body resting near Calawah River this morning. Bella committed suicide last night."
My heart was thundering in my chest, so loud I could hear it in my ears. It was hard to breathe. My gasping for air soon turned into cries.
"No," I moaned, shaking my head as if that would not make it true. I felt the tears escaping my eyes in torrents. "I'm so sorry, Edward." She was crying too. She loved Bella almost just as much as I had.
"No!" I screamed throwing my phone at the floor. I felt my anger creeping in. At her dad. At her mom. At my mom. At Her. At me. I quickly picked up my phone remembering that my memory card was important. It had Bella's last text to me on it. I quickly picked it up inspecting it. I prayed to God that it still worked.
I told her I'd be back for her. I wasn't leaving her. I was going home soon. I was going back for Her. She knew this. I made sure she knew this. So why did she let go? I was the only one she had and I let her down.
I should have never had let my uncle convince me to visit him in Chicago for the stupid Around The World Art Festival. If I hadn't left she would still be alive. I shot up. I had to go home. She needs me. I can at least do this for her.
I started running back to my uncle's house thinking of a plan the entire way there. When I got there my uncle James was sitting on his front steps with my backpack and suitcase next to him and my passport and a piece of paper in his hands.
When he saw me running to the front gate he set down the paper and crushed me in a hug. "Es called. Es told me. I'm sorry, kid. I'm so sorry. Okay? I got your stuff together and I bought you the first ticket home. Come on, I'll drive you to the airport." My uncle squeezed my shoulders before grabbing my suitcase and backpack and setting them in the car.
I grabbed my ticket and passport off the ground and trudged to his car. I stared out the window the entire ride to O'Hare International. The sight of Lake Michigan was like a slap to the face and brought tears to my eyes.
My Bella was gone. My best friend would never call me again late at night on Saturdays with a new song that she wrote. She called every Saturday. Her parents were gone on Saturdays.
She hadn't called me since I left. She called me when I arrived at my uncle's but my phone had died. She never picked up the times I tried to call her back. It was impossible for her to have use of her cell phone when her parents were around. She tended to hide from them in her room. For her safety. But even on Saturdays she wouldn't pick up.
I should have gone back home as soon as she stopped talking to me. It was a warning. It was a sign that I should have paid more attention to. Time had taken it's toll. And I wasn't around. She had no place to go.
The last Saturday I had spoke to her she couldn't finish a song. She was stumped she had said.
"The song just won't finish itself. It's the one that matters the most to me. It's just not coming out right." She had complained.
"B, it'll come out. It always does. You're an amazing songwriter. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Are you really leaving next Saturday?" She had asked anxiously.
"Yeah, but it's just for a visit. I'll come back. I'll come back for you. I'm not abandoning you. I won't ever leave you. You know that, right?" I rasped urgently.
"...Yeah. I'm going to try to finish this song. I'll call you whenever I get a chance." I sighed knowing she didn't believe my words. I would make her believe it before I left.
"Okay. I love you, B. I'll miss you." I whispered.
"Thank you." She sighed.
"Bella," I warned and she chuckled.
"I love you too, E. Only you." Click.
She had sent me a text not a minute later.
I really do love you. I'll miss you more than you will ever know. -B
I wiped my eyes. My uncle stared straight ahead but I knew he could hear me crying. I silently thank him for giving me space.
Bella had been my best friend since the day she was born. I was only two months older. Our parents were really good friends so naturally Bella and me spent every waking moment together. We had shared strollers, cribs, baths, and naps together. We were next-door neighbors. We even had those tin cans set up from her room to mine so we could talk at night.
Our lives were pretty much perfect. We were eachother's first kiss. It was on my twelfth birthday. She had been eleven.
Her life changed when she turned thirteen. Her mom just lost it one day. She would attack her husband and Bella with her nasty words. She had said she was fed up with our stupid small town. That it wasn't good enough for her. She wanted adventure and excitement and she would not find those here. I knew because I was there the day she snapped. I hated Renee from that point on and Charlie. Renee would always threaten to leave them. She didn't want them she would say.
But she never left.
Instead she made Bella's life hell. Her parent's suddenly didn't want her or care about her. Charlie blamed Renee's flightiness on Bella. So everytime he and Renee fought. He would drink, he would find Bella and he would hit her. Renee would belittle Bella every chance she got. Calling her useless and worthless and an annoying brat.
I was the only one who knew what went on at the Swan house. Everyone else was completely oblivious. They were good actors. Even my parents were fooled. We were neighbors but our houses were pretty thick-walled and spread out from the other.
I wanted to tell my parents but Bella made me promise not to. She said her parents would get better. Eventually she had stopped believing that. She had also stopped believing that she was worth a damn. The only reason she wouldn't let me tell anyone was because she was afraid they would take her away. She didn't want to leave me. Because that would kill her. It would kill me too.
I was there for her through it all. I had always loved her and would always love her. I promised to always be there. When we left Forks we would leave together. We never got the chance.
My uncle gave me a hug and helped me get my bags out. "Be safe. Love you, kid." I nodded as he hugged me again. "Thank you. I will. Love you too." I walked inside the airport and checked in. Tons of people cried at airports so nobody paid me any attention when I plopped down at my gate and cried some more.
By the time I got onto the plane I thought I would never run out of tears for Bella.
She cried herself to sleep everynight. I knew because I could hear her through the tin can. We never moved our beds from the window. It made it easier for her to sneak in and out of my room on her hardest night. She could be out of bed and out the window in less than ten seconds.
She always had more than enough time to sneak out because I always locked my bedroom door. She only snuck in when she really needed me. I would hold her and whisper everything I meant and everything she needed to hear. She would fall asleep with her head on my shirt-clad chest and I would hold her tighter wanting to protect her from the rest of the cruel world. Those night I cried with her.
Back when she still believed her parents would get better she would have down anything to have just one good night with them.
I never said goodbye. I wish I would have tried harder to get her to pick up my calls. Maybe she would still be alive. She needed me. I wasn't there to hold her on her hard nights. I wasn't there to cry with her, to hold her tight and comfort her. I didn't get to hear her cries for help. I wasn't there to save her from herself. She was so tired of the pain. She just wanted peace. I brought her that and I took it with me when I left.
I tilted my head up and saw the No Smoking sign. It reminded me of that one day that we had cut school and ran into the forest. She had stole her dad's pack of Marlboros. It was a month after her parents had started acting out. So she found ways for her to vent.
She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her. We shared two and saved the rest for another day. We had practically coughed up a lung with the first one but we got used to it.
It became her addiction. At age thirteen my best friend became a smoker. I did it because she needed me to. Whenever she needed a smoke I would follow, not caring if I was missing a class. She was more important. I needed to protect her.
We were attached at the hip at school. I would walk around with my arm around her. She was mine in a way. We were friends but she was mine. We were each other's first. This time it was on her sixteenth birthday.
She was too lost in her own head for a relationship. But to everyone else we were together. She was mine and I was hers.
Those were the days. The days I missed the most. Those days she would smile and laugh. My favorite days. At school she was carefree. She was free from her parents. She was My Bella then. The one I knew since we were babies.
The summer I turned sixteen my dad gave me his old Black '73 Chevy Nova. I had got my license earlier that day. I ran to Bella's and climbed up her window and tapped.
She looked up at me and blinked a slow grin spreading on her lips. I grinned and shook my keys at her. Her head was on the floor and the rest of her body was hanging off the bed. She placed her hands ont he floor to brace herself before launching her body off the bed. She reached for her old, worn out black hoodie on the floor and threw it on over her gray wifebeater. She grabbed her pack of Newports and shoved them into her hoodie pouch along with her keys.
We got into my car and we drove all around town and even took deserted dirt roads. She laughed the entire time. Urging me to go faster and faster. She was smiling and enjoying herself so I did.
She pointed out the Water Tower and wanted to go there, so I drove. We parked the car and stretched out on the hood of the car, stargazing.
"That's my star. It's now called Bella." She said suddenly pointing at one of the infinite amount of stars.
"Okay, well which one's mine?"
"That one. It's right next to it. Right by it's side. It's now, Edward." She put her hand back down and I reached for her hand. Grasping it tightly with mine. She fit her fingers through the spaces between mine and squeezed back.
I leaned over and kissed her and she kissed me back. "I love you a lot, B." I whispered.
"Thank you." She sighed, closing her eyes.
"B," I warned, hating when she did that.
"I love you too, E. I promise. You're the only one I love. The only one who cares about me." She kissed me again, deepening the kiss before breaking it and jumping off the car. When I opened my eyes again she was halfway up the ladder of the Water Tower. I quickly followed her up and found her crouched writing on the Water Tower with her black Sharpie Mini.
B+E
He's my Home.
My Reason
My Lifeline.
My Hero.
My Forever.
There were many other names and messages on the Water Tower. But her's stood out the most.
I kissed her head and stole her marker and writing mine next to hers. I drew a heart around both.
E+B
She's my Heart
My Reason.
My Everything.
My Girl.
My Forever.
She read mine and her eyes brimmed with tears as she lunged herself at me, nearly causing us to go toppling over the Water Tower to our death. But I had steadied us and hugged her back just as tightly.
"I'm still here because of you, Eddie. You're my Reason. Please don't ever let me go." She cried.
"I won't ever let go of you. Ever. Did you read what I wrote? You're my Heart. I'm here with you, for you, Forever. Okay? do you understand me?" I grabbed her face in my hands and she searched my eyes and nodded feverishly. "Good. I love you. Okay? Promise you won't let go either. Promise me you'll stay. With me." I kissed her chastely.
"I promise. I won't let go. I won't give up."
"I'll never give up on you. We're in this together."
"Together." She nodded. We both laid down on the ledge of the Water Tower and watched the night turn into day.
That summer had been the best summer we ever had. We weren't scared that summer. We never worried about that perfect summer ending. Her parents had went on a cruise that summer. So Bella was always at our house. We thought that summer would last forever. But it ended as all good things do.
The next year had been just as amazing until it wasn't. We made plans to get out of Forks and go to the east side for college. We would live together. We would get married one day and have one kid. She wanted a boy. Because the world needed boys like me, she had said. We turned seventeen that year, but before her birthday things went downhill. So in September we ran away for three weeks. We were staying at my cousin's house. She was on her Honeymoon in Paris and had no idea we were there. When she came home with her husband and found us watching TV in her living room she called my parents.
My parents were worried sick, and Alice had heard from my mom about me missing while on her honeymoon, so she called to let her know I was safe.
Alice meant well but I was angry at her and Jasper had just given us a shrug. She had ruined the happiest three weeks of our lives. Me and Bella, together, alone, just us for three weeks. It was the best. She needed those three weeks. It gave us a glimpse into the future on how it was going to be when we lived together.
I was surprised when the Captain said that we had landed. When I got off the plane and went to the baggage carousal and grabbed my suitcase I saw my dad waiting for me by the doors. I tightened the grip on my bags as I ran to him and he embraced me tightly and then suddenly I was being enveloped in another pair of arms.
"My baby, I'm so sorry." My mother cried in my ear as she hugged my head to her shoulder and stroked my hair. I wrapped my arms around her back and cried. "Bella." I cried.
"Come on. Let's go home. Charlie and Renee want to ask you some things." My dad said as I straightened myself out and let him steer me out of the airport. He had my suitcase and my mom had my backpack in one arm and the other was rubbing my back.
I sat in the back and rested my forehead against the window. Everything reminding me of Bella. Every memory of her hitting me hard. I missed her so much. Why did I leave? that Art Festival wasn't as important to me as she was. And now I had to suffer the consequences of my actions and live without her.
We passed the park where we would always go to, for the swings. I remember countless times that she played her guitar for me. Singing me her old songs. She had such a beautiful singing voice. I would do anything to hear it again.
We arrived at the Swans' and I glared at them when they came out and hugged me. Renee was bawling hysterically and Charlie had tears streaming down his face. My anger increased at the sight of them.
They brought me and my parents inside and sat me down in the arm chair.
"You were her best friend. You knew her best, Edward. We want to leave the decision up to you. What would she have wanted?" Renee hiccuped. Her teary, gray eyes actually looking sad.
My anger boiled over. "What would she have wanted? Now you care? Now that she's dead! You motherfucking assholes! I hope you burn in hell! How dare you! You decide to care when it doesn't even fucking matter anymore!" I was standing now, my fists clenched, glaring down at them.
I saw it. The remorse and the guilt swimming in their teary eyes. Good. I hope it eats them alive. They knew what they did. They knew it was their fault. That's why they were trying to do right by her now. But it just didn't fucking matter anymore.
"Edward Anthony Cullen!" My mom screeched, horrified.
"Edward, I know you're hurting. But they just lost their daughter you have no righ-" My dad started but I cut him off and turned towards him.
"No right? No fucking right? Excuse me! I was there for her. Always. Through everything! Not them. Me! They caused her to kill herself. They hurt her so much, you don't even know. I would never...I never..God, I fucking hate you all. I hate me! I wasn't here to stop her. It was my fault. I should have told, I should have been here. I could have saved her from herself. Only me, she always said. Me." I crumpled to the ground and rocked myself.
"She was my everything. She's gone now. She promised me." My mom tried to snap me out of it. But I was being attacked left and right by memories of Bella. Of her angelic face, her beautiful smile, her infectious laugh, her gorgeous eyes. Of Her.
"My fault."
With me out of it on their living room floor and through their crying they decided to bury her in her favorite clothes. Small ceremony, Close friends and family members only.
I wasn't there at all. I was trapped in my head. I was safe there. Bella was there. She would always be in my memories. And my heart. I refused to see her in the casket. That wasn't My Bella.
I left my parents a note on my desk and snuck out. I drove to the Water Tower. I grabbed my paint cans and a lantern from my trunk and climbed up. I spent the entire night painting the Water Tower, using the light from the moon and lantern. When I was finished Bella's face smiled back at me. I grabbed my black paint and dipped my brush. Next to her face I wrote:
I never got to say goodbye, B.
B, you will be remembered.
We still have September.
I'll see you on the other side.
I love you, My Forever.
-E
I took a picture of the message we had wrote two years ago. I sent it to my mother's phone. She hadn't even made it to her eighteenth birthday. We were going to leave for Brown University when I returned. Now our future together was gone. If I could turn back time I would have never left. I would find a way to remind her to fight harder. She didn't have to die. My Precious Bella.
I took the pills out of my pocket. My dad was a doctor and it was easy to break into his medicine cabinet. I used to do it all the time for Bella. I shouldn't have left her with that full bottle of pills before I left. I poured the entire bottle of pills into my hand, I wanted to make sure there was no chance of me surviving this, and tossed the bottle over the ledge.
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the piece of paper labeled
To My E,
I'm sorry about our Forever.
I had seen it taped to the corner of my window the day of her funeral but hadn't found the courage to open it. I could open it now.
I read each line twice, then I read the entire thing five times. Then I cried and laughed bitterly as I swallowed all of the pills with the water I brought up. She had finished the song. I laid back and sang the song how I thought she would have sang it. As a cry for help. As a cry for me to save her. Then the singing stopped, because my heart did. I was on my way to My Bella.
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There's a girl back home I used to know,
who cried herself to sleep every night.
we all knew.
we all knew.
The only girl who would ever compromise,
strike a deal with the devil to save a night.
we all knew.
we all knew.
She tried to call me a month ago,
to sing me a song that she just wrote.
but I wasn't home,
I should've known that time had taken it's toll.
she had no place to go,
they found her body,
resting by the river.
I never said goodbye.
I wish I would have tried.
I couldn't hear her cries, as she filled her veins with lies,
until she saw the light.
I remember we would hide behind the trees,
smoking cigarettes until our throats would bleed.
Those were the days.
Those were the days.
Never scared, never worried that the summer would end.
Invincible to every short bend.
We drove so fast,
thought it would last.
but time had taken had taken it's toll,
she had no place to go.
They found her body resting by the river.
I never said goodbye.
I wish I would have tried.
I couldn't hear her cries, as she filled her veins with lies,
until she saw the light.
Madeline.
Madeline.
You will be remembered.
Madeline.
Madeline.
We still have September.
Madeline.
Madeline.
We'll see you on the other side.
If I could turn back time,
I'd find a way to remind you
that somehow you could try to give in and fight the good fight
oh you didn't have to die,
you filled your veins with lies,
My Precious Madeline
Madeline-Tickle Me Pink
A/N: I stayed home from school and wrote this all morning. I stayed home because i'm sick, not just to write this haha. I listened to this song on repeat while writing this. My dad is currently fed up with this song. Oops. Haha
I hope you all enjoy this. I did, even though it made me kind of sad.
-Cyn