Hey, hey, heyyyy there! It's me again, with a different type of story than normal. Instead of a long fic with multiple chapters, this is a single chapter fic meant puerly for comedy. After 26-ish rewrites, here is the introduction to Mario, and his weird, stupid universe. Uploaded at 10:00 PM eastern because I'm seriously sleep-lagged. Anyways, I plan to be doing much more fics like these in the future, so if you like this, stay tuned.
Mario's Pad
It seemed to be a beautiful, unsuspecting day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Of course, there was no such thing as a beautiful, unsuspecting day in the Mushroom Kingdom, but this is about as close as it gets, so please just work with me. The sky shone bright blue, and the Angry Sun's sunbeams illuminated the entirety of the peaceful scene. Everyone was walking outside, staying indoors to do chores, or whatever else. Basically, just doing whatever they saw fit to do.
But we don't care about those people. Rather, our subject is the hero of the town. In his head, he is the most important guy to ever live in the kingdom. Whether that is true or not isn't my call, but regardless, he was spending his day as he had spent many before; sleeping lazily in his bed, not really caring for much of anything. He rolled over slowly and gently, drooling on the side of his bed.
Life was content for him.
Of course, that meant that something was gonna come along to ruin it.
Eventually, he rolled too far, and fell off the side of his bed, crashing on the floor with a thump and jolting him awake.
"OW! What the hell was….. Ohh…."
Mario simply shrugged and got back up to resume his slumber, but before he could, he heard someone else walking up behind him.
"Don't-a bother, Big Bro. The way you-a move in bed, you're just-a gonna fall out again-a. And I won't-a pay insurance if you have to go to the hospital-a."
Obviously, that was Mario's second fiddle, Luigi himself, who then sat next to his brother to try and strike a simple conversation with him. It probably wasn't gonna go well, but it was worth a shot, right?
"Anyways, hey-a Mario. What's up?"
Mario let loose a long, disinterested sigh and turned away, his attention having been captured by a spaghetti stain on the wall. "This IS-A 'what's up'. And it's bullshit-a. Remember yesterday? Remember that broad who gave me the fish eyes? Well, I had quite a... heh, 'party' with her. THAT was a good day."
"...I mean, not a whole lot's-a going on right now…. But does it have to be this way-a?"
"Yes-a." Mario swiveled his whole body around until not a single part of his body was facing Luigi. "Sometimes-a, nothing is good."
An uncomfortable silence filled the air as Luigi processed that line. Not even crickets could be heard. The silence lasted just long enough for Mario to realize his sentence completely failed.
"...Okay, trust-a me. That sounded so much-a cooler in my head-a."
This resulted in the obligatory eye roll from Luigi. "If you-a say so. But seriously-a.
"Well, I don't know what I'm-a gonna do-a, but my... heh-a, 'Italian Sausage-a' feels horny-a. I might-a follow his lead today."
Luigi slumped himself on the hard floor, completely unimpressed. "Yuh-huh. Figures. You ALWAYS get-a weird with your... I don't even want to-a say it." He made a disgusted face and turned away.
"No, seriously," Mario continued. "My... heh, 'meat-a package' is a real scary fellow-a; he's a wild, savage, untamed-a beast, and he needs to be let out to play-a, know what I mean-a?"
"Yes-a, Mario, I got it!" Luigi threw his hands up in the air, secretly jealous of Mario's sexual innuendo. "Now stop-a being so sexy and take your fatass-a outside to do the recycling-a." Before Mario could respond, the green-clad plumber promptly shoved his bro towards the door.
Easily regaining his balance, Mario shook his head and chuckled as if he'd just heard something extremely funny. "No. I'm allergic to work-a, Luigi. You know that-a."
Luigi had done this exact same conversation one too many times, so he didn't feel like wasting any of his time replying. "Okay, fine. Don't-a complain when the garbage bill comes-a knocking."
Mario's eyes widened. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh, nooooooooo... W-w-wait! I changed-a my mind! I can't-a get in more trouble with the government-a... so, I'll be more responsible, starting today-a!"
The Player 2 of the Mario franchise nodded in stark approval and clamped a brotherly hand on Mario's shoulder. "Now-a you understand! And then-a, one day, you'll make the government-a your bitch! AMERICA!"
"...Yeah-a, I'll-a just make Yoshi take out the recycling-a! YOSHI! GET-A YOUR FATASS UP HERE!"
However, just the night before, Yoshi's head had exploded into a puddle of blood, meaning he wasn't gonna be particularly helpful to Mario.
"...I think-a he's dead, Mario."
Mario bent down over, looking closely, very very closely, at Yoshi's still, lifeless body. With a serious expression on his face, he swept his hand downwards, stirring it just a little bit in the gory remains of his dino's brains. When he was done, he lifted his finger back up to glance at his glove. Unsurprisingly, the blood began to slowly trickle down his glove, and eventually began lightly dripping onto the floor, forming a bit of a pile.
"...Welp, my glove's-a ruined. You're grounded, Yoshi."
"...He's-a dead, tho."
Mario rolled his eyes. "Well, when he's done-a being dead, tell him he's grounded-a."
"Will-a do." For some reason, you could detect heavy sarcasm in Luigi's statement. Huh, can't imagine why.
"...Maybe you should go into town-a. See what-a everyone's doing-a. Gotta be a hell of a lot more-a interesting than what you're-a doing now-a."
Mario sighed. "Yeah, maybe you're-a right for once-a…."
The lanky man in green nodded, and walked up to the door, slowly opening it.
"...Dumbass."
Luigi paused. Slowly, he turned his body around until he was facing Mario, at which point, his expression made it very obvious that he was pissed.
Either way, Mario just simply chuckled lightly, shaking his head.
"YOU MOTHER-" Luigi suddenly leaped across the room and directly towards the shocked Mario.
So then, Mario and Luigi walked out of their house and all that shit that wasn't happening, and continued on through Toad Town, mostly just walking or waving to some of the Toads. They walked pretty far, and pretty soon, they made it to the ultimate hell-hole, a place where happiness seemed to end.
"Hey, uh, want to-a crash in Peach's-a Castle for a bit-a?"
Mario simply shrugged. "Sure, why not-a?. Maybe Peach-a will be in the shower again-a." The latter sentence was followed by a crude snicker.
Luigi just rolled his eyes, though if you looked closely, you'd notice that he also appeared to be amused. "Yeah, and maybe you'll-a get your ass kicked again-a."
Mario paused suddenly, and narrowed his eyes at Luigi. "Huh, sounds like-a YOU want to get your ass kicked-a again." He stood still, pausing while shooting his brother a fierce glare, stepping a few feet closer towards his bro, making the latter nervous and making him take a few steps backwards.
"Woah woah woah-a, it's all coolzies, bro!" said Luigi, who quickly peeked out with one eye to see if Mario was still going to beat the crap out his sensitive little ass.
Far from it. Now, the dumbass plumba boy was snickering slightly.
"...I'm sorry, is that-a out?"
Would Mario have ever responded? We'll never know now, because suddenly, out of nowhere, some rustling was heard in the bushes. Mario and Luigi shot a questioning glance in unison towards the source of the noise.
The bush rattled again, and this time, it was pretty clear that there were people in it. The brothers stood, eyebrows arched upwards.
"Okay, are y'all ready this time? The answer's yes, right? Because you know, I will beat the everloving crap out of you if you don't say yes. You know I'll do that, right? You know how long we've been sitting here? Do you? Do you? Huh?"
No response. Mario sat down on his knees to get a better look at the bushes, fully riveted in the conversation. Meanwhile, Luigi was trying in vain to open Peach's Castle door, not caring much for the conversation anymore.
"Noooooo, in fact, I…. don't reallllly care….!" The guy hiccuped right after finishing his sentence
"OH, my god-You're drunk again, aren't you?"
The other guy in the bush chuckled lightly, sounding very drunk indeed. "No way. I'm just depressed…. Uhh…. I'm… I'm seeing double and-wait up-"
The speaker then turned around, and vomited profusely on the floor. His face still wasn't visible, but the sickly trail of vomit spewing out of the bush was.
Ohhhhhh noooooo, get these thugs off the street. I don't feel safe.
"Yeah, that happens sometimes."
"It happens sometimes because you are DRUNK!"
"Yeahhhhh, buuuuuut….. (Cough)... I…. I was…. Was the… one that…. that made that choice….. Bitch….. Ohhhhhh, my god, what…. what time is it?"
"Time for me to kick your punk ass! Get up!"
"Hey, guys-a, whatcha doin' in there-a?" said Mario.
"Wait, wha- Son of a bitch! He's here! Get up! Get the hell up!"
Before the drunk guy could respond, the speaker flipped out of the bush. Mario looked up at the figure, who flipped a second time in midair, then landed feet first, stumbled slightly, and then regained his balance, holding up his spear to Mario's face. That was when it became clear who this guy was. He was a Spear Guy (who we will refer to as Spear Guy 1). Sounds intimidating, til you realize it was just a plain old Shy Guy holding a spear, wearing war paint and a grass skirt. Against his better judgement, Mario held up his hands as if he was getting arrested.
"Yeah, white boy, hold them hands up! Actually, no, wait up…. Yeah, that's better-Anyways, pull your pants down, boy!"
"...What the fu-"
"You heard me! I'mma spank yo ass, nerd! Ya hear me? Where we from, nerds get spanked on their little nerd asses! I'm talkin' whip and everything!"
Mario arched a curious eyebrow. "We?"
Spear Guy 1 prepared to speak, but instead just left his mouth hanging open. "Oh, yeah, yeah," he silently murmured. He slowly hopped towards the bush again as Mario cast an aside glance at Luigi, wondering if he was almost done.
"Hey, dumbass!" Spear Guy 1 shook the bush not so gently with his spear, eventually causing Spear Guy 2 to spill out of the bush, crashing unceremoniously on his back. A bunch of empty beer bottles spilled out longside him.
"Hey, dumbass!" Spear Guy 1 kicked his partner again. Spear Guy 2 slowly began to stir.
"Yeah, you better get up, bitch! You ruined my genius plan to slay the plumba! You know, this one?!"
Spear Guy 1 held up a crudely drawn scribble on the back of a stained napkin that showed him stabbing a stick figure version of Mario, with some accompanying words underneath it that said "How I'll kill Merio for de swags."
"Y….. yeah…. That's… Awesome… I… I think…." Spear Guy 2 spit a few times while saying this. "But I….. I forgot to … Study….. The plan…."
Spear Guy 1 threw "the epic plan" in Spear Guy 2's drunk face.
"There, now study my amazing plan! I put so much work into it!"
The "amazing plan" fell off of Spear Guy 2's face, falling on his side.
"Seeee….. there you go… I just studied it..."
"So….." started Mario, getting up off the ground, "About that spanking?..."
The italian legend folded his arms and glared hard at both of them. Neither of them noticed him, as they were still locked in their foolish conversation.
"I… I've only had.. A couple of drinks… I'm…. I'm not…. I'm not….. Drunk….. I… need more…..beer..."
"No, what you need is a spanking! WHY did I ever bother to let you have a sip? You're addicted to the stuff. Don't even bother going to rehab, you've died already."
"...I'm alive..."
"Well, you're dead to me, assface."
"...Seriously, though... was that all your plan consisted of?"
"...To tell you the truth, yeah... I might need more of a plan than that... Let's go smoke weed about it."
Mario then whipped out a shotgun and blasted the upper half of Spear Guy 1's body off before the latter could do anything. A geyser of dark red blood spurt out of the top of the lower half of the body, spraying the ground, Spear Guy 2's face, and Mario. The blood continued to spill out of his corpse, even after his lower body toppled backwards.
There was a stunned silence for a little bit. Mostly because nobody knew how to continue this conversation.
"Son of a bitch-a was starting to get on my nerves-a." Mario expertly and lazily twirled his gun around his finger, getting his message across.
"Hey man, you DO know-a that right now, that dude's-a blood is on your face, right-a?" Mario remarked.
"Don't… Care…"
"Well, I mean-a, that's your problem, not mine-a… But if you want to live-a like that-a... I guess I can't-a stop ya."
"Hey…. there's….. There's red stuff on my face…. Awesome."
The high Shy Guy slurped up some of the blood. "Hey….. this fruit punch….. Tastes pretty good."
The door to the castle was abruptly flung open by none other than the Princess herself. This crap had happened pretty much every day by this point, so this was just routine now.
"Whatever the hell it is, make it quick, Mario."
Instantly, like a moth drawn to a flame, Mario turned his head over to the fair, sweet princess, eyes filled with hearts for his one, his only love.
Oh-ho, damn! Hurry! Say something smooth-a, Mario!
So, with that thought in his head, what did Mario choose to tell Peach?
"Uhh….. Hey Princess….. Just wanted to say-a hi."
"Okay. Don't."
"...Damn, really?" Mario's head drooped down over his shoulders in disappointment. "Baby, that's-a harsh-"
"I'm not your baby-"
"Ahhh….. That's what you think NOW….. but just you wait….. Soon, you'll be lying on your deathbed, dying from ebola, or prostate cancer, or diabetes, or some stupid shit like that-"
"Big-a bro, I'm pretty sure-a YOU have all-a those diseases you just mentioned-a. Like seriously, every one-a," murmured Luigi.
"Bitch, shut up-a! Damn!" The red-capped plumber folded his arms and shook his head, clenching his teeth and muttering something that we can safely assume was crude and rude. "Now, where was I?"
"You were about to get bitch-slapped by a very pissed off Princess, that's where."
"...So it's like that, huh? After all I've done to help you-"
"Can you repeat that?"
"...Uh…. After all I've done to help you-"
"Okay, I got it." Peach held up her phone, and tapped a button to stop recording. "That'll be good for a laugh later. Thanks."'
"Well, point-a is, when you're-a dying on your deathbed from a sexually transmitted disease-a or something-a, then you will-a realize you were wrong-a. DEEAD wrong-a. But it will-a be too late-a. You'll die-a lonely and alone-a. You don't-a love me, cool. But you are wrong-a. Know that-a. Own that-a. And then strip-a that. Hey, Luigi, are you-a getting this down-a?"
Peach turned away from the bros. "So, did you come for any other reason, or were you just trying to piss me off? Actually, you know what? I'm being nice today, so just go in, and smash some of my furniture, take all my beer, and pass out in a puddle of vomit, because I KNOW you'll do all that anyways."
"Kay. Thank you, princess!"
The mascot of Nintendo closed his eyes, and went for it. He subtly leaned in closer to Peach, inching in ever so slowly towards her round, perfect face. The second the latter could tell his lips were puckered up, though, she backed away in contempt.
"Back the fuck up," said Peach, who then slapped Mario across the cheek, causing the latter to gasp and jerk backwards, a hand on his now stinging cheek.
"Broo…. You…. totally got rejected…." coughed Spear Guy 2.
"SHUT-A. UP."
Inside Peach's Castle...
"You know-a, I always wondered what you did in here-a," Luigi offhandedly murmured.
Mario chuckled under his breath. The others stared at him quizzically.
"Nothing-a. Because this-a bimbo spends more-a time in Bowser's Castle than she does-a in her own frickin' house-a!"
Peach shot Mario a nasty glare.
"Please. We ALL know why you let yourself get kidnapped so easily! His 'long-john' is why, correct? Because it's the juuuicy, scrumptious meat-a in that sex sandwich that you so-a crave, correct? Yeah, I KNOW-a you're a slut. Can't think of any other-a reason why he has 8 kids-a..."
Before Peach could come up with a clever comeback, her watch suddenly beeped. She let out an ear-piercing scream so shrill and high-pitched, the bros felt a ringing sensation in their ears and quickly bent down low to cover them.
"GOD-DAMN it! IT'S TIME!"
The Mario Bros looked at her, shared looks of confusion on their faces.
"Uhhh, time for what-a, exactly? Raping my ears-a? Because you-a succeeded at doing that-a," snarked Luigi.
Before Peach could answer, a huge hole was suddenly blasted through the wall of her roof, startling everyone except for the princess herself, who remained unfazed even as huge, smoldering chunks of debris fell down from the floor and set the carpet aflame. On the other hand, Luigi let out a most cowardly squeal and turned around, slipping and falling flat on his face before he could cover any distance. The Toads, meanwhile, simply continued to run in circles in panic, oblivious to anything else, resulting in one accidentally stepping on Luigi's head and failing to notice even when the latter screamed in pain.
Meanwhile, Mario couldn't help but stare up at the sky in shock and bewilderment as a shadowy figure slowly descended downwards. Once the figure came close enough, though, all of his shock dissipated entirely, replaced by a look of boredom and annoyment.
For it wasn't just any figure, but it was actually his worst enemy, the evil that plagued the lands for so long, the evil he had no problem vanquishing by now…. The evil Koopa King, Bowser, gently coming through the hole in his Clown Car.
"Oh my god-a, really? REALLY-A?!"
"Hell yeah, motha-fuckaaaaasss!"
Bowser paused as he looked down at Mario. "You- you're still alive? Seriously?"
Mario nodded. "I'm the one-a."
"...So, did you see two Spear Guys on your way here?"
The plumber shook his head. "Yeah."
"..."
"..."
"...They tried to kill you, right? Because that's what I ordered them to do."
"Wait-a, they were trying to kill-a me?"
"...They did that badly, huh?"
"Where do you even get-a these guys?"
"Well… Look, they're just small time, okay? I'm the villain now! The King of Awesome is BACK, and in full force! Cower, you puny little sons of bitches, as I unveil my grand evil scheme-"
"A: Nobody's scared of you-a anymore, and B: Let me guess, you're-a gonna kidnap Peach-a, right?"
Bowser looked down in disappointment. "Well… yeah."
By now, Luigi had gotten his head back up, and when he saw it was Bowser, he stopped screaming. Likewise, the Toads stopped running.
"Look… I couldn't think of anything else to do, okay? Besides, hey, today's a new day, right?... Anything can happen, no?"
Mario stepped up slowly to Bowser. "Yeah, you're right-a. Today IS a new day-a! And do you know what happens in restaurants-a when it's a new day-a?"
"Uhhh… They make new batches of their food?"
Mario snapped his fingers and pointed at Bowser. "Exactly. That-a means with this new-a day, I've whipped up a fresh-a new dish you just might-a enjoy. It's-a called 'I'm-a going to kick your ass-a if you so much-a as flirt with my bae-a', and I saved-a some just for you-a."
Ooohhh, snap, y'all. I don't think Mario's fucking around, no siree.
"Actually Mario….. Mario, turn around for a second."
"Uhhhhh?" Bewildered, the Mushroom Kingdom's hero turned around to face Peach.
"You see," Peach continued, "We and Bowser have a system, see. Since it's inevitable that he's gonna at least try to kidnap me once every week, we've set up a time each week for him to kidnap me. It's really convenient, and it saves a lot of trouble for both of us. He makes great plans, honestly. I just wish I could say the same of you, Mario."
Bowser laughed and stuck his tongue out at Mario. Mario jealousy responded by flipping him the bird, though it wasn't hard to notice he was sputtering and shaking as he did so.
"Yeah, go and take her! See if I care! S-see if I give a crap! I-I don't care if you've been giving handjobs to that fat-ass who shall not be named! YOU'LL MISS ME! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON!"
Mario paused briefly to pat… uh….. His "ding-dong." He then looked back up. "Get it, everybody?"
Some of the Toads snickered and nodded, whereas Luigi shook his head as if to say "Let it go" and Peach just flatly stared at him.
"Mario-" she started.
"...You know, it really sucks hard to be a genius and to have no one realize it. I WAS REFERRING TO MY DICK-A, OKAY?!"
Some of the Toads snickered and nodded again.
"Shut up, that wasn't a joke-a. It's getting real-a boring touching my own-a junk. You'll-a know when you're-a 26."
"Mario…." Peach said again. This time, the plumber shut the hell up.
"It'll be fine…. I don't see what the deal is….. I mean, you'll just save me anyways like you always do, right?"
At this point, Mario was considering not saving her.
And then, everything briefly went silent as everyone stared at each other, sans Bowser, who was now playing a Game & Watch. The noises of the game he was played echoed throughout the castle for quite a while.
"Woohoo, I won!" Bowser threw both his hands in the air.
"Woah, what-a game is that?" Luigi asked.
"Huh?" Bowser replied. "Donkey Kong Jr. Hey, check it out."
He flipped the Game and Watch around and showed the screen to everyone, revealing that he had made it to the end.
"Mario dies at the end."
Mario was not amused. He pulled out his pistol once again, and fired a bullet straight through the Game and Watch. As the remains fell on the floor, the great Koopa King howled in sadness and stared down at what was left.
"You-you…. Ah, screw this, I'm out!"
"NO!" A purple Toad quickly jumped up, ready to take out Bowser. But he was still just a useless little shroom. So Bowser, disinterested and casually yawning, just slapped him out of the way, his sharp claws drawing blood at his shirt, which coated his claws red. The Toad flew into the wall, with some of the blood that was drawn from the initial slash splattering on the wall nearby.
"Hey!" yelled the Princess as some of the blood splashed on a photo of her on the wall. "Point the blood AWAY from my walls!"
The King of Koopas folded his arms and flashed the heroes his signature smug grin. "See ya some other time, Mario!"
With An evil cackle, Bowser powered up his Clown Car. The smiley machine began to make an unmistakable charging up noise. It's propeller steadily began to spin, going faster and faster by the second, stirring up dust with each rotation. Bowser was ready for business.
….Well, he WAS, but then his Clown Car out of nowhere stopped working. The glow dissipated entirely from the eyes, and the whirring noise dimmed down until it was but a simmer. Before Bowser could so much as utter a quick profanity, the car began rapidly plummeting downwards.
"...I'm just gonna say this right now. This is gonna hurt. A lot," Bowser deadpanned.
And he was right, to put it lightly. Without even giving anybody a chance to brace themselves, the Clown Car violently crashed into the floor with a most horrible explosion, kicking debris and dust everywhere. A Toad right next to the blast could only briefly scream before the flames kicked up from the impact melted his face off, and then, in an agonizing process, melted off the skin from the rest of his body until he fell down as a pile of bones in about 2 seconds time.
The smoke from the impact clouded up the area, and those that hadn't been injured by the initial blast huddled into corners, under furniture, face-down, whatever was safe. The cloud persisted for several seconds, and only when it had begun to dissipate, did Mario dare to sneak a peek at his adversary.
Now, without his clown car or anything, Bowser looked a whole lot less intimidating, now mostly just kicking and screaming at his misfortune.
"Oh my fucking god! OF COURSE those assholes didn't bother to refuel the clown car after taking it for a joyride! Well, SOMEBODY'S pay is getting docked!"
"Hey, thanks-a man! You saved me a lot of work-a!" Mario jeered.
"This doesn't matter! I can totally kick your sorry little ass without my Clown Car!"
"...Just like you've-a kicked my ass-a for the last 30 years-a?"
"...YOU SON OF A-"
Bowser burst into an infuriated stampede….. Or tried to. He stood in place, building up more and more energy for one ultimate knockout blow that would kill Mario's ass dead….. But then, he heard yet another explosion right behind him. He whipped his head around, trying to figure out what was wrong this time….. and got nailed right in the face and knocked to the floor by a piece of the Clown Car's propeller, which embedded itself into the King's left cheek. You may not need me to tell you this, but… it kinda hurt, to put it lightly.
"OH MY GOD! AAAAAAGGGH! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! AGGGH!"
And as they say, that was that. The evil King of Koopas had been trounced in an epic battle for the Princess, and everyone was too busy cheering for the hero Mario to notice that blood was spilling out of Bowser's left cheek.
"YES! I BEAT-A BOWSER! AGAIN!"
Mario threw his hands into the air, whooping and hollering to celebrate his super epic and amazing, totally not anti-climatic victory.
"Light me UPPPP!" the plumber screamed, taking out a big fat cigarette and waving it around playfully.
Nobody stepped forward to light Mario's cigarette. After a few seconds, he took the hint.
"Okay, what gives-a?"
And then, in unison, everyone else in the room turned towards each other, and nodded. Then, all the Toads hastily stepped backwards, clearing a path for Luigi, who walked up towards the still very confused red plumber.
"Okay, look-a, I don't want to ask-a you what you're doing-a, because that would be pretty damn boring-a, but what are you doing-a? I mean, you can take-a your time telling me-a. Just-a know that in about one second-a, I'll slap-a you. But hey, take as much-a time as you need-a."
Before the conflict could escalate, the bros were distracted by an abrupt, pixelated, scratchy and jarbly playing of "Happy Birthday to You." The Toads, Peach, Luigi, and even Bowser all joined in to sing the classic birthday celebration song… for one line, until the disc made a most unpleasant noise, akin to the static that shows up when rapidly changing the channel on your TV, and skipped an entire verse. So instead, the group just stood still, unanimous looks of annoyance and confusion on all their faces. When the song started playing in reverse, one by one, everyone slowly shifted their eyes towards one of the Toads in the party circle, who quickly bent into a smaller pose in a futile attempt to avoid drawing attention.
"…Bobby, did you remember to clean the disc?" asked Peach.
"...Well-a, no matter-a, bro! Happy fricking birthday-a!" yelled an exasperated Luigi, clamping his bro on the back.
"...Wait, it was our b-day today?" Mario scratched his head, not sure how to respond to this, just opting to look like a complete idiot.
"...You don't know what day your own birthday is," said Bowser.
"...No-a. Only a nerd-a would care about that-a. I'm busy, I can't just-a be celebrating the fact-a that I'm-a one year closer to death-a!"
"...Agreed." Bowser cleared his throat. "So, yeah, we all joined forces for once to help get you and….. Uh…. Mr Green Stache-"
"HEY!"
"-To your surprise birthday party. We love you guys. Sure, you may be a massive and royal pain in the ass….. But you're OUR royal pain in the ass. If you didn't exist, I wouldn't be able to fill up valuable time of my life waiting for you to die, and let me tell ya, NOBODY else could fill in that gap. Anyways, hope you appreciate this. I mean, you better. It went on my paycheck, after all."
Well, Bowser didn't have to worry about that, because now his perpetual arch-nemesis was starting to tear up. He had such awesome friends.
"You… you did this all….. Just for me?"
"Yup," replied the Princess.
Taking that as an invitation to do something entirely different, Mario made a very sudden move, leaping over to her body.
"Don't even think about it."
And with that, the party started. A bunch of balloons dropped from a trapdoor in the ceiling, a group of Toads brought two huge, life-sized cakes in the shapes of the Mushroom Kingdom heroes into the castle, and some more Toads painstakingly hung up a poster that said, "HAPPY F**KING BIRTHDAY."
Oh, daaamn, y'all! This party's gonna be off the chain!
And indeed, the narrator was probably right. I say probably, because here's what happened next:
"Hey Mario!" yelled a small little voice. Confused, the plumber looked straight ahead of him, but the only thing that he saw was the stairwell, which was currently being occupied by a Toad that was passed out in a large, fresh puddle of beer.
"Look underneath you, dummy."
Ohhhhhhh. This time, the plumber did as he was told, and whipped his eyes down. He was expecting to see Jesus, but instead, he saw a Bob-omb staring right into his eyes. Ah well, better than nothing.
"What-a?"
"Do you still want to get your smoke on? I could give you a hand with that."
Without taking a second to wonder whether this was in any way a good idea, Mario nodded. "Do it."
The Bob-omb set off his fuse, lighting Mario's cigarette... and then he realized too late, what happens when a Bob-omb's fuse expires.
"Well, fu-"
And then the castle exploded, killing everybody inside.
THE END