Prologue
Narrator: This is the story of Matt Cooper, Earth's very own Chosen One. Chosen by who, you may ask? Why, by the Fates, of course! And yes, the Fates were all fired immediately after making that choice, but by then it was too late. Matt is an ordinary high school student, which explains a lot. Anyway! Our hero and his friend were walking home one day, having an ordinary conversation…
Matt: Is New York a city or a state?
Donnie: Dude, it's both. You know, like Australia?
Matt: Oh yeah.
Narrator: When suddenly…
A bright golden light appears in the sky, getting closer and closer. It's heading straight for Matt and Donnie! Loyal friend that he is, Donnie shoves Matt in front of him as a human shield, then panics and tosses himself down a nearby ravine. Matt just stares blankly. His lack of responsiveness is alarming.
Pipirima: Finally, I found you! Hello, Matt Cooper. My name is Pipirima, but you can call me Pip. I come from a distant planet, and my intentions are peaceful.
Matt: You're an alien? But you're so cute and fluffy!
Pip: My appearance is necessary for my survival. You see, if I were less marketable I would be subjected to government experimentation instead of being instinctively trusted by naive human children. But enough about me. Matt Cooper, I need you to save the world.
Matt: For real? That's awesome.
Pip: No, no, no! You've got it all wrong! The quest will be full of hardship!
Matt: So do I get a sword or anything?
Pip: And peril!
Matt: Let's see, what's cooler than a sword…?
Pip: And worst of all, terrible cliches!
Matt: Oh, I know! Maybe you could give me some nuclear launch codes or something.
Pip: STOP TRYING TO SKIP THE "RELUCTANT HERO" PHASE, GOSH DARN IT! *sigh* Oh, what's the use? I'm never going to find that card…
Matt: What card?
Pip: Matt Cooper, it is time that I told you of your destiny.
Pip hands Matt some weird gadget with lots of blinky lights. With a faint hiss, the thing attaches itself to his arm.
Pip: This is the Plot Device, a highly advanced piece of technology from my home planet. You can use it to activate Trope Cards. Just think of Trope Cards as little pieces of the story that is your life. Hundreds of Trope Cards have been scattered all over your planet Earth, and it's your job to find them. I thought that maybe we could find a Reluctant Hero Card first, since it's one of the most common. The Device was picking up signs of one in this area, and I assumed they were coming from you…
Donnie (from the bottom of the ravine): Hey, Matt? Are you okay? Do I have to, like, save you or anything?
Matt: No…
Donnie (climbing out): Oh, thank God. I didn't wanna have to do stuff. Well, see you around.
Pip: The signals! They're off the charts!
The Plot Device has begun whirring loudly and flashing yellow.
Pip: Your friend is possessed by a Trope Card! Quick, say a catchphrase!
Matt: Uh- In the name of the moon-
Pip: I meant an ORIGINAL catchphrase! Do you want to get sued?
Matt: Okay, okay! Uh… eat my… uh… chili fries, scoundrel! And stay in school! (short pause) I can change this later, right?
Pip: Nope! Just like the Plot Device that is permanently fused to your wrist, your catchphrase is now an integral part of your identity!
Matt: Crap.
Narrator: And that's how Matt got his first Trope Card, and how Donnie lost his best excuse for being a total coward. Now let's just hope everyone gets some positive character development soon, or this is going to be an incredibly dumb story! So tune in next time for more exciting adventures!