Muhammad Sulaiman Rashid
Kagami Gets Stoned
As usual, Konata went over to the Hiiragi's house to play videogames while stoned. Konata always made sure to get high before she went over, as she knew that her best friend, the responsible Kagami, would never approve of her smoking weed. Konata used to worry about her friends noticing something off about her behavior. But after being stoned around them for many years, how she acted while high became the new normal for them.
Konata rang the doorbell. Tsukasa, Kagami's younger sister, answered the door.
"Good morning, Kona-chan!" said Tsukasa.
"Good morning!" said Konata.
"Nee-chan is still asleep. You can go check on her if you want," said Tsukasa.
"I think I will," said Konata.
Konata took off her shoes and walked to Kagami's room. There she was, fast asleep. It was amazing how peaceful she looked while sleeping, considering how scary she was while awake. Konata prodded Kagami's nose until she woke up.
"Ehh? What's that?" said Kagami.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty," said Konata.
"Konata! What are you doing here?" asked Kagami.
"I just had to see that adorable sleeping face," said Konata. "Besides. You invited me over to play videogames today, remember?"
"Oh, right," said Kagami. "I totally forgot."
"It's unusual for Kagami to sleep later than Tsukasa," said Konata. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah. I was just studying for our test next Monday," said Kagami. "You've done your homework, right?"
Konata's blood ran cold. So did Tsukasa's. Her ribbon's bunny ears were flattened in horror.
"Well… you could just give me the answers again, right?" asked Konata.
"As if! This time, both of you do your own homework," said Kagami. "Maybe by the time I'm done washing up, you'll both be finished."
"Why did nee-chan assume I didn't do it either?" thought Tsukasa. "Am I really that predictable?"
Konata and Tsukasa sat at the table to work on math.
"What are case one and case two when it comes to polynomials?" asked Konata.
"Uh… I don't remember, I fell asleep during that class," said Tsukasa. "Do you know what to do when you get an imaginary number when factoring?"
"I don't remember, I showed up late because I was playing my game that night," said Konata.
"Ossu," said Kagami, walking in. "What's up?"
"Hey," they said.
"I thought nee-chan wasn't gonna come until we were finished?" asked Tsukasa.
"Tsukasa, isn't it obvious?" said Konata. "Kagami got lonely."
"Drop dead!" said Kagami. "I just got bored, that's all. Besides, if I didn't help you guys out, I'd have been waiting all day."
"Who would've thought our knight in shining armor would be so tsundere?" asked Konata.
"I'm not tsundere!" said Kagami.
After they finished their homework, they started playing Call of Duty.
"I'm not very good at these kinds of games," said Konata.
"That's probably because you have poor social skills," said Kagami. "Shooting games require a lot of teamwork and cooperation."
"But I do have good social skills," said Konata. "Just ask Kuroi-sensei. She's on my team in Final Fantasy XI."
"That reminds me, Konata, have you submitted your college applications yet?" asked Kagami.
"To tell you the truth… I haven't even started," said Konata.
"What!?" said Kagami. "Konata, are you kidding? This is important! You haven't studied for next week's test, and you haven't even done your college applications? What if we end up in different schools next year?"
"Relax, relax," said Konata. "I'm good at pulling stuff off the night before, remember? Besides, shouldn't you be more worried about Tsukasa?"
Tsukasa got mad. "Stupid Kona-chan thinks she's smarter than me!" she thought.
"Tsukasa is already done with her applications," said Kagami. "I'll come over to your house tomorrow, okay? Then we can finish yours too."
"Okay!" said Konata. "Kagami is coming over to my house tomorrow. I'm so excited."
"Don't get too excited. It's gonna be serious, alright?" said Kagami.
"Whatever you say," said Konata.
"I mean it," said Kagami.
"Gotcha," said Konata.
"I'm gonna get a glass of water," said Tsukasa.
She walked out.
"Hey Konata, there's been something I've been wondering," said Kagami. "Why do you always dress like a boy?"
Konata was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.
"Umm… well… I guess you could say it's been hot lately," said Konata. "But to tell you the truth. I've never really been good at fashion and all that other girly stuff."
"I see. Well, I could help you out, if you'd like," said Kagami.
"That would be great," said Konata. "But there's been something that I've been wondering too… Kagami can't cook or do housework… doesn't that make her like a boy too?"
"Drop dead!" said Kagami.
The next day Kagami went over to Konata's house. She rang the doorbell. Her dad, Sojiro, answered it.
"Oh, well if it isn't Konata's friend, the shrine maiden!" he said.
"Uh, nice to see you again," said Kagami. "Man, this family is so weird," she thought.
"Konata should be upstairs in her room," said Sojiro. "You can go on ahead. But try not to do anything too naughty, okay?"
"Uh. Okay," said Kagami.
Kagami took off her shoes and went to Konata's room.
"Hey, I'm here," she said. She entered the room without knocking.
"Ah!" said Konata.
Kagami caught Konata smoking out of a pipe. The bowl of the pipe was shaped like Haruhi's head, Konata's favorite anime character.
"Konata! I didn't know you smoked tobacco!" said Kagami.
"I don't!" said Konata. "Be quiet. Don't say that too loud!"
"But if it's not tobacco, then what is it?" asked Kagami.
"It's… well…" said Konata.
Kagami's eyes widened. "Konata, no… don't tell me you're smoking weed?"
"I'm sorry, Kagami," said Konata.
"Unbelievable," said Kagami. "Don't you care about yourself at all? Don't you know how much trouble you could get into? If you get caught, your life is ruined!"
"It's okay," said Konata. "I've been doing this for several years now. Nobody has ever noticed."
"What about your cousin?" asked Kagami. "Isn't she a cop?"
"Who do you think taught me how to smoke weed in the first place?" asked Konata.
"I can't believe this," said Kagami. "You know what, from now on, you're on your own. I can't help somebody who doesn't even want to help themselves."
"But… Kagami," said Konata.
"I'm leaving," she said.
The next day Konata had to take her math test. Two days later, she got her results back. She failed with a 68. Usually Konata would brag to Kagami about how well she did despite studying so little. But now she was too ashamed to even show her face to her.
But all was not lost. Konata knew they had a biology test next week. If she aced it, maybe she could win back the heart of her best friend.
That day when Konata went home, she didn't watch any anime. She didn't even play any videogames. She tried her hardest to study, but for the first hour or so she was too upset to focus. When Konata got stuck trying to understand something, she tried texting Kagami. But Kagami wouldn't answer.
Konata considered smoking some weed to help her focus. But when she thought about smoking, she thought about how Kagami had abandoned her. Eventually, she started crying. After crying for over an hour, Konata finally felt empty enough to focus. If Kagami didn't want to be her friend anymore, then so be it. She had to succeed for her own well-being.
Eventually, Konata started studying so much she didn't have time to hang out with her friends. They eventually noticed her increasing absence.
"Where is Konata?" asked Miyuki. "I haven't seen her much lately."
"Probably smoking more weed," said Kagami. "I still can't believe it. All this time, Konata has been a stoner."
"In retrospect, it's not that hard to believe," said Miyuki. "Konata always sleeps in pretty late, and she always has such droopy eyelids. People who appear very relaxed are often stoners."
"Wow, you know a lot about stoners," said Tsukasa.
"Is it because of your Western relatives?" asked Kagami.
"That's right," said Miyuki. "I don't smoke weed, but a lot of my family over in America does, so I'm used to it."
"Well I'm not," said Kagami. "I don't think I ever will be. As far as I'm concerned, Konata is dead to me. Now that we're leaving to college, this would be the perfect time for me to forget all about her."
"B-But nee-chan, that's so harsh," said Tsukasa. "Isn't Kona-chan your best friend? And didn't you once say that you wanted to—
"That was a dream!" said Kagami. "And Konata was my best friend. She's nothing to me now."
Two weeks went by like this. When Konata was free enough to hang out with her friends, they all treated her normally. All except for Kagami. Whenever Konata would make a teasing remark about her, like about how much she ate, she never reacted. Now every time when Konata saw Kagami, the butterflies she felt in her stomach would be killed by a heavy stone that reminded her that they weren't friends anymore.
But then Konata got the results of her biology test back. She was thrilled! She ended up getting a 92. She was proud of how far she had come without Kagami. But even though she didn't need her best friend anymore, she still missed her. Konata walked up to Kagami. She didn't try to put in any effort into being cute. She didn't want to waste her effort.
"Hey, Kagami," said Konata.
"What do you want?" asked Kagami, crossing her arms.
"Nothing, really," said Konata. "I just wanted to show you that I got a 92 on the previous test. I've been studying really hard lately, which is why I haven't been able to hang out as much."
"So all those times you were texting me, you really were studying," said Kagami. "And all this time I thought you were just trying to get my attention back."
"No, it's not like that," said Konata. "I was actually hoping you could help me out with my college applications. I know you probably don't want to. But I'm really trying my hardest this time."
Kagami thought about it for a moment.
She sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll come over to your place. Do you have a lot to do? Should I stay overnight?"
"Yes!" said Konata. "I mean, yes. I think that would be the best thing to do."
"Alright, then," said Kagami. "I'll see you then."
Konata and Kagami spent all that night working on Konata's college applications.
"Wow, you're applying to X University, huh?" asked Kagami. "That's a very prestigious school. I'm applying there myself."
"I know," said Konata. "I know I probably won't get in, but I thought it would be worth a shot since you're going there."
"You'd follow me to my school, even if it was tough?" asked Kagami. "Don't you have any dreams of your own?"
"Yeah, lots," said Konata. "But I feel like it's much better when I chase them with you, Kagami."
"Funny," thought Kagami. "I kind of feel the same way."
After they were finished, they went to sleep. Konata snuggled up in a futon next to Kagami, instead of sleeping on her bed.
"I'm so happy," said Konata. "When I wake up in the morning, I'll get to see that adorable sleeping face again. I'll make sure to enjoy it. It'll probably be the last time."
Kagami felt a prick of sadness well up in her heart. The feeling surprised her. She tried to dismiss it as nothing, but she knew that would be dishonest.
"Hey, Konata," Kagami grumbled. "My family is having me work tomorrow because of the festival. Come and see me then, alright?"
"Alright," said Konata. "See you soon."
Konata fell asleep. Kagami tossed and turned. As she rolled over, she smelled Konata's hair accidentally. It smelled nice for a girl who acted like a boy. She expected it to smell like weed. Instead it smelled like jasmine. Finally, Kagami fell asleep too.
The next day Konata went to see Kagami dressed up as a shrine maiden.
"Hey, Kagami!" said Konata.
"Hey, Konata," she said.
"Where's Tsukasa?" asked Konata. "You might get more visitors if they know about the twin shrine maidens."
"We're not trying to attract those kind of people!" said Kagami. "Anyway, I sent her away."
"Sent her away?" asked Konata.
"Yeah. Konata, I wanted to talk to you," said Kagami. "I wanted to apologize for how I treated you after I found out about your smoking problem."
"It's alright," said Konata. "I know I wasn't trying my hardest. It makes sense that you got upset."
"Even then, that's no excuse," said Kagami. "You've always been a great friend to me… and…"
"And?" asked Konata.
"And, ugh. This is so embarrassing," said Kagami. "Konata, I'm going to apply to all the places you're going to."
"What?" asked Konata. "But Kagami, why?"
"Well, I figured with my grades, I could get in anywhere you would," said Kagami.
"But Kagami, why would you want to go to college where I'm going?" asked Konata. "Is it because…"
"It's because you're my best friend!" said Kagami. Tears started forming in her eyes. "And it's because… I like you as more than just a friend!"
Konata was stunned. "Kagami, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I love you, Konata. There, are you happy?" Kagami crossed her arms. "I think that's why it's always hurt me so much to see you fail. It's stupid. I know. Don't make fun of me this time, alright?"
Kagami anticipated Konata smirking and making some teasing remark. But instead the short otaku just hugged her.
"It's okay, Kagami," said Konata. "I love you too. You don't have to say it aloud if it embarrasses you."
"It doesn't embarrass me, stupid!" said Kagami. "In fact, I…"
Kagami stared at Konata's loving droopy eyes. She looked around her to make sure no one was watching, and hesitated.
"Is something wrong, Kagami?" asked Konata.
"N-No, it's just that…"
Kagami leaned forward slowly. Konata was confused at first. But then she got it. She got up on her tiptoes and kissed her.
"Yahoo!" said Konata. "Me and Kagami's first kiss!"
"Don't say that so loud!" said Kagami. "I mean, err… you can say it if you want. I guess."
"Hee hee, don't worry, I got it," said Konata. "Kagami, did you really mean it when you said you'd teach me how to dress?"
"Yes, of course I did," said Kagami.
"Alright then!" said Konata. "Come over to my house tonight. Bring some of your clothes for me to try on. Oh, and bring your shrine maiden outfit, too!"
"Stupid, you're not going to wear a shrine maiden outfit in real life," said Kagami.
"Bring it anyway!" said Konata. "Oh. And don't bring Tsukasa. Anyways. See you then!"
Kagami watched Konata run away faster than she had ever seen before. And given how fast Konata was, that was saying something. Kagami smiled.
Later that night Kagami rang Konata's doorbell.
"Oh, if it isn't my daughter's shrine maiden girlfriend!" said Sojiro. "I'm so proud. Thank you for taking care of her all these years."
"G-girlfriend?" thought Kagami. She brushed it off. "Thanks for having me over," she said.
Kagami knocked on Konata's door this time. She didn't want to see her smoking weed again.
"Come in," said Konata.
Kagami saw her posing naked on the bed.
"Konata, put some clothes on!" said Kagami, covering her eyes.
"But I thought we were going to try on some new clothes," said Konata.
"Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to take off your underwear, too!" said Kagami.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," said Konata, getting dressed. "I guess my tsundere isn't in the mood just yet."
"I'm not in the mood. I'll never be in the mood," said Kagami. "So stop acting stupid."
"Okay. So anyway. Kagami, can I try on your shrine maiden outfit?" asked Konata.
"I guess we might as well get it out of the way," said Kagami.
"Great! I have an outfit for you to try on, too," said Konata.
"Really? Like what?" asked Kagami.
Konata opened her closet and pulled out an outfit. "SOS Brigade Leader, Suzumiya Haruhi!"
"I'm not going to wear that, stupid!" said Kagami.
"Really? Just for me?" asked Konata. "Come on. You're already so mean. It's like you're Haruhi already."
"I'm nothing like her," said Kagami. "But fine, I'll wear your dumb outfit."
They changed into each other's costumes. Kagami's shrine maiden outfit was too big for Konata. Her sleeves were oversized. Konata's Haruhi outfit was too short for Kagami. You could see her stomach.
"This is so lame," said Kagami. "This outfit's too short for me. You can see so much skin."
"Are you worried that you look fat? I think that's a good look for you," said Konata. "Just keep it on a little while longer."
"Honestly, you're such a pervert," said Kagami.
"I know," said Konata, smiling. "Kagami, can I ask you a serious question?"
"Huh? Sure," said Kagami.
"Well, remember how you caught me smoking weed? What bothered you more? That I wasn't studying, or that I was doing drugs?" asked Konata.
"Hmm… well, both, I guess," said Kagami. "I mean, weed isn't as bad as other drugs, so it's not as big a deal, I guess. But when you were smoking instead of preparing for school, that's what got me really upset."
"But you don't have to worry about that anymore," said Konata. "Now I'm responsible."
"Yeah, I guess so," said Kagami. "But you have to make sure to keep it up. Otherwise you're gonna fall back into the same rut."
"So then, will you smoke weed with me, Kagami?" asked Konata.
"Will I what?" she said.
Kagami thought about it. She stared at Konata's mischievous face.
"Fine, I'll do it just this one time," said Kagami. "But from now on, you better hide it so well that not even I can find out. I don't want you getting in trouble with the law."
"Got it," said Konata, putting weed in her Haruhi pipe.
"I mean it. I'm gonna try and bust your ass every chance I get," said Kagami. "I'm your girlfriend now, so I have to take care of you."
"You're my what?" said Konata, grinning.
"I'm your g-girlfriend," said Kagami.
Konata took a hit off her pipe. "Here, sit on my bed. Try this."
Kagami did so. "Man, this really stinks!" she said.
"Mmm, you think so?" said Konata. "Yeah. It stinks so good. So tell me, Kagami. What did you say you were?"
"I said I'm your girlfriend…" she said.
"That's right. You're my girlfriend," said Konata. "You're my girlfriend and I'm your girlfriend. And that means I'm gonna bake you a cake everyday until you get fat. Do you understand?"
"Y-yeah," said Kagami, blushing.
Konata smiled and crawled over to Kagami's lap. She put one hand up her shirt and kissed her.
"You're my girlfriend, Kagamin," said Konata. "I can't wait to see that adorable sleeping face of yours again."
"You'll get to see it every day, for the rest of our lives," said Kagami.
"You promise?" asked Konata.
"Yeah. I promise," said Kagami, smiling.
Lucky Channel had begun. Akira was smoking a joint, uninterested.
"Akira-sama. It's time to start," said Shiraishi. "Akira-sama. Akira-sama."
No reaction.
"Okay, well then. I guess it's up to me," said Shiraishi. "Lucky Channel! Good Lucky!"
"What was that?" said Akira.
"Oh – I didn't mean to offend you," said Shiraishi. "I was merely trying to start the show because you were... uh… preoccupied."
"What did you say to me!?" asked Akira. "Are you trying to get me fired? Do I look preoccupied to you?"
"No, it's just that –
"Don't you know that you're easily replaceable? Are you trying to start something?"
"No, it's just that –
"Because you're expendable! I'll have you replaced in the blink of an eye."
"I know that," said Shiraishi.
"Then shut up and do your job," said Akira. "Oh! It looks like we're all out of time. Until next time, I'm Kogami Akira!"
"And I'm Shiraishi Minoru!"
"Bye-bee!"