Now will you go to Nineveh?
Jonah was walking along one day, minding his own business. He liked to believe he was errant, but he wasn't really searching for adventure. He was just a migratory man who roved about and just happened to wind up in all the places the action wasn't. It was on one of his wandering days that he came upon a man in the middle of the path. Jonah tried to walk around him, but the man still blocked his way. Jonah tried to go around the other way. Still no luck. By this point in time, Jonah had become quite befuddled. He had never seen the man make any lateral movement, but all the same, the man shifted to the side to block Jonah's path.
The man looked Jonah in the eye. "Jonah," He said, his words seeming to skip over Jonah's ears and wind up inside his head, "Will you do me a favor?"
And Jonah realized he spoke to The Lord.
"Go to Nineveh. Warn them of their destruction, for they have become quite evil against me."
Jonah agreed, and set off at once, making only the most cursory preparations and forgetting to pack socks. The Lord had told Jonah to board a ship which would carry him to Nineveh. However, as Jonah walked to the port of Joppa, he his elation began to fade. His joy at being chosen by The Lord slowly evaporated as he realized what he must do.
"Nineveh," he spoke to himself, "is as bad a Sodom, and worse than Gomorrah. Why should they be warned? Their ways are overly extravagant – it is not fault they spend their money unwisely." Jonah began to fear for himself. "Suppose," he spoke to himself further, "that I should be destroyed with Nineveh?"
So Jonah, being afraid, boarded a ship to Tarshish, which was on the other side of the world from Nineveh.
Jonah had decided that he was not a sailor. The sea was calm and he was ill. He went below decks and fell into the deep sleep of sea-sickness.
Gabriel ran his fingers through his wings. He was of the superlative, and needed to present himself as such a highly-ranked member of his order. He was speaking with The Lord. "It is good Jonah agreed to readily."
"Indeed it is. I had not expected him to be so willing."
Gabriel untangled a not within his feathers. "Yes, as his destination is so far from home."
The Lord frowned. "Nineveh is but a day's sail."
"Nineveh? I saw him board for Tarshish."
The Lord's composure was lost. "What?"
The ship bound for Tarshish was a mere speck among the waves. It was tossed back and forth, as if the waves were playing catch, and they both had really poor hand-eye coordination. The crew worked frantically to pump out water, but the ship sank lower. They began to throw the cargo overboard. The ship still sank. When the captain decided they would run out of food if more cargo was tossed, he finally woke up his paying guest. 'How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us, and we will not perish (Jonah 1:6)." But Jonah knew his god would not answer, so he did not pray.
As the ship sank lower, the sailors cast lots to find the responsible party. Jonah lost the casting, as he was a fugitive on the run from God. When Jonah lost, he told them to cast him overboard. They refused and tried to row back to land. The shoreline receded, retreating back against the horizon. The ship sank even lower, so they tossed him overboard.
It was at this time that a great fish the size of all the known land came and swallowed Jonah; and the seas were calmed. The crew of the ship to Tarshish was amazed and frightened.
Jonah was frightened too. He had been swallowed by a fish. Watching its organs became rather boring after awhile, so Jonah began to pray. He supposed some latent part of his mind had always wanted to do it, but had been blocked by his active conscious thoughts. He prayed and watched the big fish digest other fish for three days. On the third day, the fish got a stomach ache and spat out Jonah.
As Jonah kissed the land and got sand in his mouth, his head bumped into a pair of legs. He had a bad feeling about these legs. He looked up. The man was standing in front of him.
The Lord cocked an eyebrow.
"Now, will you go to Nineveh?"