A/N: This came out of a random chain of thoughts. Enjoy!

The Greatest Party In The Marvel Universe

by MiscellaneousSoup

It was a dark, raging morning. The wind could definitely be described as 'gusty.' Indeed, that may very well be an understatement. Rain fell like bullets, aiding and abetting various people on their way. One passerby had her briefcase soaked, while an unlucky passenger had his bus slip and slide like a Slip'N'Slide.

As for the superheroes, they were miserable. What, you think that they would be just ducky simply because they possess abilities? Heck, no! One single raindrop sent the Wasp and Ant-Man flying across the sky! Their flying ants were crushed, darn it! Be more sensitive!

Anyway, back in the his mansion, Tony Stark was drinking. Not that this was anything new, of course, but this was a special occasion. The Fantastic Four were coming over for a party! As Reed had said over the phone, "We need to distract ourselves from this downpour. How about we come over? H.E.R.B.I.E. can stay with the kids." Hearing this, Herbie immediately raised a laser to his head, but Sue took it away.

Casually carrying a bottle of liquor, he opened the door, letting in a sopping-wet Thing, a whining Johnny, and Sue and Reed, both dry and cozy in the force field.

"Come on, sis! Why didn't you help us?" Johnny whined.

Susan glared at Ben. "You two were destroying things in the training room again. That was Franklin's favorite microscope!"

Tony raised his arms. "Calm down, Sus. All of you are now in the House of Stark, a place renowned for its technology, comfort, and-" He nodded to a large pile of empty beer bottles near the foyer. "-relaxation. Take a load off, all of you."

Sticking his tongue out at Ben, Johnny gleefully ran towards the stash, only for Reed to stop him. "Johnny, you're eighteen. Unless we have somehow traveled back in time to the 1970s or before, you're too young."

Johnny rolled his eyes and flopped on the couch. "Wouldn't be the first time we've traveled through time."

Ben sat down next to him with an armload of vodka. "Too bad, squirt. Move over, I'm gonna be real tired after I drink these." He waved a bottle in front of Johnny's face, smirking.

Before Johnny could accidentally-on-purpose set fire to Ben's vodka, something hit their window with a loud THWACK! Spider-Man slid down the glass, moaning.

Tony pressed a button, causing a robot arm to pluck him off of the glass and set him down inside the apartment. "You okay?"

Spider-Man staggered. "Not really. I didn't even see the building. Sorry about that. Do you mind if I stay for a couple of minutes?"

Tony pulled up a chair next to Ben and Johnny. "Sure. Just don't get any webbing on the carpet. It's new."

Johnny glared at the webslinger. "Wimp."

Spider-Man pretended to vomit in Johnny's direction.

…

The Punisher cursed. His "Battle Van" couldn't handle the slick pavement. With a sigh, he parked near a meter and searched for some coins.

One criminal saw the imposing vehicle with all sorts of machinery inside, and the muscle-bound, heavily-armed person wearing clothes with a skull motif. Stupidly, he reached inside, searching for something good to steal. Without missing a beat, the Punisher broke his arm and threw him into a garbage can. Unfortunately, the force of his toss caused him to bump into a grenade launcher, which blew up said parking meter. Angrily, Frank drove off, trying not to mow down any pedestrians.

…

Back at the mansion, Tony and Ben were having a drinking contest, with Sue and Reed as the judges. (Spider-Man and Johnny were still hurling insults at each other, with increasing levels of offensiveness.) No one noticed as the door slowly creaked open and the Punisher scuttled inside, going to the nearest laundry basket. "I'll hide out here…"

There was a dull thunk as Johnny was thrown into the coffee table, knocking over Ben's alcohol. ("Dang it, squirt!") Spider-Man tried to look innocent, but couldn't stop himself from laughing.

Tony shrugged. "Eh, it's a party. Weird things happen."

2:30 pm…

The door burst open, revealing Captain America. "Good heavens!" He looked around the room, gazing at the rowdy party. "People are hurt, cars are breaking, and all of you are having a party? Why didn't you invite me? Let's see how many nachos can fit in my shield! If I spin it properly, I can make chips and dip! America! WOO!"

2:45 pm…

The storm grew more terrible with every passing second. Lightning cracked, water fell in droves, and, wait, that lightning isn't from the storm. Thor burst through the skylight, prompting Tony to send a robot to fix it. Thor slowly floated down to the floor, barely nudging the various bags of food.

"By Odin's beard! I am an ancient god, sworn to do all that is noble and worthy! If I stray from that, then the hammer's immense power won't be mine to command. Therefore, let us party! Hey, who wants to see me make a thousand tiny rain clouds?" The crowd cheered.

3:15 pm…

Blam! Blam! Blam! Gunshots punctuated the door. "Everyone get down!" Sue screamed. She put up a force field around the various heroes, only to stop when she saw who arrived.

Deadpool danced the jig on Tony's refrigerator. "Hi, guys! I was knocking on the door, but I guess you didn't hear me. I had to blast it down! No hard feelings, right?"

Tony gave Deadpool a thumbs up. "No worries, amigo. I'll just get a robot to clean it up. Hey, you!" He threw a beer can at the same robot from before. "Yo! I don't care about painting the skylight. My door's busted. Get to it!"

3:30 pm…

Smack dab in the middle of the living room, something large phased into the room. It was Charles, Xavier, Wolverine, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Angel, Beast, Kitty Pryde, every other X-Men member in existence, and, for some reason, Captain Mar-Vell, Captain Marvel, and the Hulk.

Charles Xavier snapped his fingers. "Jean! Levitate that wine toward me! Kitty, phase through that door and put away my raincoat! Cyclops, dry me off! Wolverine, slice up some apples for me! TO ME, MY PARTY GEAR! WOOOOO! Oh, and you three, I've forgotten your names. Team-up over, go party."

Deadpool waved. "Yo, Wolvy! What's up? Remember that time in Kalamazoo?" Wolverine instantly stabbed Deadpool in the liver. "I'm guessing you do. Mommy…"

4:56 pm…

Half of the mansion's inside was crushed as a gigantic spaceship appeared. The robot sighed. He better get overtime for this. Gamora, Groot, Rocket Racoon, Star-Lord, and Drax the Destroyer walked out.

"Forsooth!" Thor declared. "This party hath become cosmic!"

Rocket raised a huge flask. "I brought drinks!"

"Space alcohol!" Tony squealed. "Gimme!"

12:01 am…

The party was still going on. Everyone drank, laughed, occasionally got into duels to the death, and ate cheese and crackers.

For the last time, the door burst open, causing the repair robot to burst out in tears. Thanos walked in. "Hello, Earthlings. I wish to marry Death. First, however, I must win her trust...by proving that I like to party! I brought the disco!"

5:45 am…

"Hey!" A small voice squeaked, sounding exhausted.

Everyone looked around. Thanos checked his cell phone.

The voice sighed. "Down here! For heaven's sake, when will these particles wear off?" Suddenly, Ant-Man and the Wasp grew back to their normal sizes. "We have been trying to help the good people of New York for hours! What have you been doing? Partying, like a bunch of selfish jerks! People have died! Thor! You're a god! What's Odin going to do with you when he realizes that you're not acting worthy enough to wield your hammer?"

Odin paused in his game of Parcheesi with Squirrel Girl, Howard the Duck, and Fing Fang Foom. "By my beard, I was never here!"

Wasp turned the lights back on. "And Captain America! You represent the best of American values! You're supposed to be a paragon of moral virtue! Wait...Where's Cap?"

From the kitchen, they heard someone drunkenly making a rap version of "America The Beautiful".

Almost instantly, Dr. Doom appeared. "By the power of stolen Pym particles, I will turn you back to normal!" He shrank them, squashed them with one steel-toed boot and handed out freshly-made Latverian alcohol. "There. My one good deed for the decade. Goodbye."

Remember, kids, if you want to party, just kill people who get in your way! This has been Bad Moral Theater Night at MiscellaneousSoup, Inc.! Have an excellent day!