So. The girls finally have some downtime; as a result, our worst nightmare is realized: they discover fandom...! Needless to say (Kyoko aside), they don't exactly approve.
*cue dramatic music*
I haven't had much practice/experience writing in 3rd person for a narrative, soooooo...this would be that. Not really an attempt to do much of anything else (like, be funny), so if you don't think this is written very coherently, it's probably because it's a little outside of my comfort zone...I'd thought the switch of point of view would be simple, but it's really weird for me because I'm not used to it... I usually stick to using ONLY 3rd person for formal writing, and ONLY 1st person for creative writing, and want to get out of that.
Rated T for language and the ending.
Bored out of her wits, Mami Tomoe flopped into the most comfortable armchair available in the production studio, crossed her legs and carefully set her priceless porcelain tea cup on some rather expensive looking equipment. Whipping an iPhone out of thin air, she checked her Facebook for what had to have been the 10th time in 5 minutes.
'Kyoko Sakura and 29 others posted on your wall. ' ...Kyoko? It's probably just another lame video of hedgehogs sneezing or something...
She scrolled down the page with a fingertip. Fan junk, fan junk, more fan junk...more "Omg, you were so cool in episode 10" ...I told them I desperately need an assistant to sift through this mountain of crap to get to the actual, important messages from actual, important people-
"OMG lololol check out these fics!111 lmfao, u'll like them, thier so badass xD..."
Wow, Kyoko... What a fantastic speller... And...Fanfiction...? Is she for real? Give me a break! We're in a crisis, and she's got the time to waste, reading that kind of garbage? How immature...
Irritated but still curious, the blond tapped the link.
Little did she know...
Across the hall, the redhead in question was re-entering coins into an unresponsive vending machine. She kicked, punched, swore at, and finally plugged in the "motherfucking douche-canoe."
Once again, she inserted the exact change, but her fingers stopped sort of making a selection when she felt her cell phone vibrate.
A blocked number...?
"Yeah, who's this? Oh, hey you! What's up?" Sayaka, calling me? Beaming, Kyoko shoved an idle hand into her jacket pocket and paced up and down the corridor as she spoke.
"Oh, nothing, it's the same old shit... Yeah, things are getting kinda crazy around here right now...haha, yeah. Mhmmm... Exaaaactly. Everyone's PMSing about the delay, but like, seriously, it's not really such a big deal... I mean, it's not like they're postponing it indefinitely... Right. Besides, if the extra time gives us a chance to work out all the kinks before we air the next episode, then-"
"W-what the fuck have I just read...? What the FUCK. WHAT THE FUCKING FU-"
The red-head paused mid-sentence, as high-pitched screams of rage and confusion swept through the hall.
Woah, freakin' awesome acoustics in this hall... gotta tell bitch-san about that later.
She tried to ascertain the source of the noise, her fingers twitching in annoyance when she decided upon the only possible location. She stepped back towards the machine, the phone forgotten and hanging limply at her side.
Nah... There's no way that's Little Miss Priss... Mami's probably shitting bricks about it, actually... I can only imagine how annoyed anyone around her right now must be. 'How am I supposed to check my facebook and twitter and myspace and all my ÜBER important social networking pages with this blahblah unholy racket whinewhine it's so undignified blahblah.'
The sound of a coke can clattering inside the machine as it tumbled down brought her attention back to the conversation she was carrying. She casually bent over and snatched the soda, but wondered when she'd pressed the button for it. Whatever. Must've been some crazed employee I didn't notice...
Swiftly bringing the phone back to her ear, she resumed her chat.
"I'm sorry, what was that? Yeah. I know, right? Everyone's all like 'wahhh, the stupid earthquake's makin' me miss my favorite shows, waaaaaah why'd there have to be a tsunami in Japan waaaahh, my manga is late' and there are people trying to stay alive... I KNOW, RIGHT? The hell's wrong with kids these days? Seriously! Uh...Pardon? Oh my fuckin' GOD. S-sorry, no, uh it's...nothing. You were saying? Oh, mhmm, definitely, and-"
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK-"
Seething, Kyoko moved the phone from her ear and yelled back over her shoulder. "Oh my god, could you please SHUT THE HELL UP for one GODDAMN MICRO-FUCKING-SECOND? No no, not you, not you! Sayak- NOT YOU. No... NO, WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME, I DON'T NEED TO DO SHIT! No, NO, I'm pretty FUCKING CALM right now, but some STUPID BITCH DOWN THE HALL isn't. S-sorry! I'm sorry... I just *sigh* I can't quite hear-... N-no... No, I can't hear you at all, because this bitch is having a fuckin' MELTDOWN in the other room. I'm gonna have to call you back, prolly gotta call security and shit. Yeah. Ooookay. *sigh* Yeah...y-you too... M'kay. Bye~"
"KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! ...WHAT THE FUUU-" Screw those rent-a-cops, someone's about to get her shit fucked up...
Infuriated, Kyoko shoved her cellphone into a back pocket, and stormed towards the room in question.
In what was meant to be an intimidating gesture, she kicked the door open, only to find a disgruntled Mami hunched over the studio computer, surrounded by used tissues, screaming herself hoarse. Ew... I mean, 'aww...'
Silently, Kyoko navigated around the remnants of an iPhone and tea cup scattered across the carpet, approaching the Magical-Girl-turned-Super-Saiyan with extreme caution. She sighed... What's with her...? Wrecking everything in sight, not giving a damn who's gonna have to pay for it later... that's something you'd expect me to do... but this kinda crap comes out of our paychecks, dipstick...!
As she drew closer, she peered over the blond's shoulder.
From the looks of things, Mami had visited her link, and was now surfing through various other fanfics.
Wow...I guess she doesn't like them too much... Kyoko noted, surveying the nearly destroyed studio. The computer Mami was using at the moment was probably the only piece of machinery spared from her rampage.
Trying to stifle her snickering, Kyoko pasted on a concerned look and gently touched Mami on the shoulder.
"Hey, the hell's with all the yelling? What's eating you?" Haaaaaaaaaaaaah! Saving that one for later.
Slowly, Mami swiveled the chair around to face the now-grinning intruder. The glisten of fresh tears in her bloodshot eyes activated Kyoko's guilty conscience.
"Oh, come on...no need for all that now...aren't you overreacting...?" She patted Mami on the head in a way that was so condescending, to the red-head it simply must have been comforting. "Sorry... I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and say you've read the one where you were Charlotte's yummy little yellow gummy bear?"
What's with all the glaring...? It's not like I wrote them all. A few snickers escaped her.
"Y-you...you know that I...get...e-eaten...i-in...a-a-all...of them..." she replied between angry sobs and hiccups, now examining her boots.
"No, you don't, silly. Not exactly all of them. Anyway, I meant the one where you got eaten like you did in all the others, but then you got eaten again by some random other dude. Oh my god, it was freaking priceless, amiright? Like, when he was all like 'this is your leg, hahaha! om-nom-nom-nom you'll be alone forever now haha! nom-nom-nom' and you were all like 'oh noooooo this sucks!' I was just like-"
"..." The pathetic whimpers from the usually graceful older girl killed the moment completely.
Crap... She thought, feeling uncharacteristically remorseful. I didn't know she'd actually have a break down over it...
Desperately afraid of having to legitimately comfort anyone, much less an already-depressed teen over an already-emotionally-charged issue, Kyoko's mind scrambled in search of something better to say to cheer up the young gunslinger.
"Well, there was that really cute one where you and Madoka got together, right...?"
Sniffle. Nod.
"Yeah! That one was nice, right?"
"...Mhm..." Sniffle. Cute, dignified wiping away of tears.
"Yeah, that one wasn't so bad. Kind of hot, too. I mean, uh, well... I guess it was...up until the very end...ha...ha...but, you know uh... everyone...dies...sometime... right?" Whoops...
"..."
"Uhm, I know! There's the one where you're with that little girl, and you're both like, in heaven and stuff, right? That one's pretty friggen adorable... made me d'aaawww. And it looks like it's getting-"
"Yeah, I guess that one is nice too- Wait, but why the hell would I be enjoying myself in heaven with the little bitch who-" Ughh...great...Can't she get over the whole "ate my head" business?
"But she...! I mean...! Okay, nevermind..." Well, this is working out...
"Uhm, there's... that one... where you... like... didn't die... explicitly...?" For fuck's sake!
"..."
"Where you and Charlotte like, merged, or some shit...cool, right?"
"..."
"...Uh...Well, there's still all that awesome fanart with you and Ma-"
"Akemi-san already found and killed off everyone who's published Madoka/Mami art and wouldn't delete it when she threatened them... God only knows why they didn't back off when she warned them, though... I sure as heck took the 'I have nothing personal against you, but I will kill you if you' thing seriously... No one can prove anything, but come on, it's obviously her work. Cops don't even have enough for a search warrant, and they never will... what, with entire residences blowing up, drive-by shootings, zero witnesses, and absolutely no trace of explosive devices or weapons anywhere near the girl..."
"Holy Jesus Christ...Already? Heh. Figures. I guess Bitch-san doesn't really fuck around with that kind of thing..." Wait...Could it be...? A smile? YES!
Bitterly chuckling, Mami turned back to the computer. "I just wish... *deep sigh* I mean, for one thing, everyone else gets a nice pairing... even Hitomi for crying out loud! Fucking Hitomi!"
Pulling a 100 proof bottle of vodka out of her skirt (earning a "Good GOD!" from Kyoko), she poured herself a shot, downed it in a single gulp, and continued.
"And, why are there only five of us? Why the hell don't I deserve something good for a change? You and Sayaka are both too annoying and un-ladylike for me - no offense. Akemi-san is a bit too scary, and Madoka...on top of being © ™ and ® to Akemi-san, makes me feel like a pedophile just for looking at her... she's too innocent...you know?"
With a shrug and wink, Kyoko straightened and took a swig from her coke. "Dude, I dunno...maybe you should lower your standards a bit."
"Lower...my standards...?" The blond repeated, as the door closed behind her friend. She's right! Anyone is better than nothing...right?
Chugging the rest straight from the bottle, Mami turned back to the computer and looked to Deviant Art for solace, as she always did in times of distress.
"M...a...m...i...X...K...y...u...u...b...e...y..." she typed, mouthing the letters in time with each stroke.
She turned away before the page finished loading, startled by a snort from behind.
Homura Akemi turned on her heels and flipped her hair, heading for the door. Without looking back, she addressed a mortified Mami before walking out.
"Hmph. If that's what you're into now... It's no business of mine."
Oh, dear God... Facepalming, with her free hand, Mami reached for one of the 357 Magnums she knew was in a nearby drawer. Shaft kept them on hand in every room, at all times for it's staff.
How considerate. I...I should have done this back when Urobuchi-san approached me with this role...
A deep breath.
This is it...
click.
...click.
clickclickclick!
"...Are you fucking kiddi-"
Later that evening, Gen Urobuchi peed his pants laughing at the surveillance tapes.
Sorry, never really was a big Mami-fan. Nothing personal.
This is actually a two-shot, and has a second chapter with responses to a few of the other fics from the other main characters, but...you know. I don't find this important enough to bother my beta with proofreading, since I wrote it on a whim with no legitimate thought or effort behind it.
Even so, some criticism would be greatly appreciated.
=)