A/N : Meh-don't get too excited. This was an outtake I wrote ages ago and was first published in AFITR. Somehow I forgot to add it when I started the outtakes story. Hey-for those of you who may have not been able to open the epilogue it is now up and running!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. But I do own an Edward Cullen Barbie doll. He sleeps with my collection of antique china Head dolls in a crib that was made by the Shakers. This is weird in and of itself, but even more bizarre is that my dolls all had painted on smiles and now they have teeth. Huh.

Thanks to colleen561 for being an awesome beta!

Fluff alert ahead. You have been warned.

Anatomy of a zipper

Or

What REALLY happened in the Janitor's Closet?

BPOV

I opened the door to the janitor's closet as quietly as I possibly could. I knew that vamp-man would be able to see and smell me…but half the fun was pretending that he couldn't. So imagine my astonishment when I snuck in and saw him crouching in the corner with his back half turned to me. The dim light from the crack in the door allowed me to see that his eyes were closed tightly, as if he was debating his next move. I shut the door quickly, went to him, and whispered "gotcha" in his ear. He let out a sound that was half words and half moan…I think he said, "Yes, you've got me alright," or something to that effect.

He stood up, turned around, lifted me up, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me with a fiery passion. His kisses were hard and frantic. He was panting and moaning as I slid down the long length of his body and he lowered me to floor, slowly removing my red shorts, and taking my blue panties with them in the process. I heard his breath draw in sharply as he released me long enough to pick up my underwear and stuff them quickly in his pocket.

"Huh…you little panty thief!" I exclaimed. It wasn't the first time he'd done this either. I had begun to think that he had a bit of a panty fetish.

"I don't know why you bother wearing them, Bella. You know I'm just going to add them to my collection," he teased as he removed my shirt and bra. He stopped when he noticed that I was wearing the lace demi-cup gel bra that Alice and Rose bought me a few weeks ago. Yeah, Baby…I'm wearing THAT bra! His eyes widened when he made the connection, and he looked at me with wild, hooded eyes.

"Trade you…" he murmured in a shaky whisper.

Huh?

"Trade me, what?" I asked as I removed what was left of his khaki pants. My, my…he had certainly destroyed the zipper on those slacks!

"Bella…pleeeease…I'll give you back your panties…but please let me have this bra," he pleaded hotly in my ear, forcing me to shiver. He chuckled darkly. I looked at him with wide eyes; what happened to my bashful boyfriend? Not that I'm complaining mind you.

"You little perv…I knew you were a big old Victor…"

"Edwardian," he corrected me as he silenced me with a kiss.

I moaned into his mouth.

"We can barter later," he continued, his voice rough as his scent filled the room…oh, so good!

I kissed him back softly, as my mouth searched his ear, and I ran my wet tongue along its outer shell. I blew into it hotly, and he grabbed my bottom and braced me against the wall. I felt his erection pulsing and cold next to my thigh. I was so wet by this point that my thighs were dripping.

I thought that shit only happened in fanfiction. My mistake…

"Mmm…Bella…want you…need you…NOW," he said as he entered me with one fluid thrust. I was so turned on that I felt myself contracting immediately and within seconds I came so hard that I swear I saw stars. My reaction to his entry caused him to let out a sharp hiss and I felt him suddenly harden as he pulsed and climaxed forcefully…the icy coolness of his release made me gasp. Before I'd even had a chance to gather my wits about me and laugh over our mutual spontaneous combustions, I felt him harden inside of me again.

Huh?

Within moments he resumed his thrusting…long, deep, and so damn good that I felt the coil of desire threaten to unravel yet again. I gasped against his neck.

"Oooh…Edward…how can you be ready so soon? Mmmm…didn't you just…come?" I panted against him as he rocked his hips against my pelvis. He moved his hand between us and rubbed my, er, you know what... with one long, cool finger. And that's all it took…I yelled out his name as my climax washed over me.

"Mmm…sweetheart…you have to remember that I'm a vampire. I NEVER get soft, LOVE. I can do this…" he said, swiveling his hips while thrusting into me in rapid fire strokes… "All. Day. Long." He pounded into me word by word… literally driving his point home. Ungh…so GOOD!

I grabbed his backside as hard as I could and squeezed his ass with both my hands, drawing him in deeper. I heard his gasp as I clenched my walls around him as hard as I could. I could feel him tensing and throbbing inside of me.

"That's it, baby…oh, God…you feel so good inside my…

PUSSY."

Okay, I admit it…I BLUSHED. I think it was the first time I had ever used that word, and honestly, I think it shocked him senseless. He went completely still for a moment. I looked up to see his eyes; they were wild with need and desire. I heard him let out a short huff, and then he arched his back and buried his face in my neck and growled.

Yeah...he actually GROWLED!

"Ungh…your sweet, hot little PUSSY…mmm…I LOVE that word…" he groaned as he came inside of me with a gasp.

Apparently that particular word had really shaken him up, because when he climaxed he lost both his footing AND his balance. This caused us to knock hard against the nearby drum of hand detergent, and over it went; the pink goo came gushing out, coating his feet.

"Ooof…" he yelled as he tried to hold onto me for dear life; his feet and legs danced on the tiles like he was doing an Irish jig. If I hadn't been so sure we were gonna crash and burn it would have been comical.

"Ow!" I yelped as we hit the floor with a thud. He looked at me in astonishment…I don't think Mr. Perfect had ever had a clumsy moment in his entire existence.

"Wha-what happened, Bella?" he asked, perplexed, as I burst out laughing.

"You fell hard…" I explained.

He looked at me with a mixture of mischief and love, and his face lit up with a big smile.

"You bet I did…" he muttered, as his lips captured mine once more.

A/N: Some of you actually received an unbeta'd copy of this for participating in the "What year was the expression Knocked Up first used," contest I had a while back. Here's the answer for those who like a little history with their fluff:

According to the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang, the phrase "knocked up," meaning pregnant, first appeared in print in 1830! An 1860 slang dictionary defined the term this way: "Knocked up. … In the United States, amongst females, the phrase is equivalent to being enceinte." The Oxford English Dictionary traces the expression back as far as 1813 and says it's of American origin.

So now ya know the rest of the story, Paul Harvey.

Okay, so now I am the one who is blushing. I NEVAH use the P word in my stories. Yeah..the girl who writes M FF and who loves the F word cannot abide the word pu... You have NO idea how I argued with Bella over this one. Girl is wearing a thong in the epilogue...for all of eternity. Happy wedgie, bitch.