Chapter One
Clarke's POV
I haven't let myself feel for another guy again. After everything that happened between Finn and I, I just couldn't, Lexa was an escape I needed. That didn't mean I didn't form any feelings for her. Her death was hard to swallow but I was still able to function. My life in this messed up world I now call home is still turning. When I had a few chances to go back to my people I couldn't. I saw the way I hurt Bellamy when I choose to stay. I felt like my insides where being ripped apart at the idea of not being around him. That scared me more than I could explain.
My feelings for Bellamy became more apparent each passing day. Staying away from him meant I wouldn't get hurt again. I wouldn't be vulnerable again. My heart wouldn't break into pieces when something wrong happened. He had no idea how much he meant to me. How I would do anything for him. How much I love him. Love, that's what got me into this mess in the first place. Running from my true feelings.
But now I have no choice, between Lexa's death and our pursuit to get Alie out of our people. I have nowhere to run. It's just Bellamy and me together again, co-leaders, partners, and well my best friend. At the end of the day I fell in love with my best friend. What a cliché.
We've been figuring out our plan on how to save my mom and our people. It wasn't going to be easy but nothing here has ever been easy. I lay down on the hard cold ground, as I look up to the night sly. Funny how I use to be looking down wondering what it would be like to see the stars, the moon. There is no book to explain the simple beauty nature holds. Unfortunately that's the only beauty out here, everything else was death.
I hear rustling coming closer as I grip my knife. "Mind if I sit, Princess?" there was that nickname again. I hated it for the most part. But living without Bellamy for as long as I did made me miss this. The nickname, the teasing, the bickering to put it simple I just missed all of it. I released my grip on my knife.
"Yes" I answer back as he takes a seat before lying down next to me. His arm was inches from mine as my heartbeat begins to race. Being this close to him is killing me. Yet he has no clue.
"What's wrong Princess?" I can tell he's smirking he knows I hate that name.
"How are we going to do this Bellamy? How are we going to save everyone this time?" my mind was running wild. At this point I begin to ramble as his hand grabs mine. Suddenly everything that's been worrying me has faded and all I can think about is his hand in mine.
"We are going to fix this, just like we do every time. I promise you Clarke." His voice full of sincerity, but all I could think about is the way my name sounded coming from his moth. We lay there in silence my body betraying me in everyway my head screaming to take my hand out of his, to run and run fast. But I don't instead I lie there holding his hand as we watch the night sky.
Bellamy's POV
She left me. Not once but multiple times. She chooses to leave me, to not come back. I went on the drop ship to be with O, but the minute I laid eyes on her I knew she was it for me. Doesn't matter the countless girls I've slept with just trying to get her out of my head. I even tried a real relationship. Clarke was spoiled, she had everything, she was entitled, but she was always kind, brave, strong, and most of all beautiful. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.
I never hated her in the beginning; it was more of where she came from. I knew she wasn't the stuck up princess everyone thought she was. She casted out the doubt when she saved me from Dax. I was the monster, yet she needed me but she would never understand how much I needed her. How much I love her. I would walk to the ends of this horrible earth for her. But she left me more then once. If that doesn't show how much I didn't matter to her then I don't know what would.
She was the good to my bad, the peace to my war. She was the princess to my rebel. But looking at her now watching the stars I can see how lost she has become. Loosing everything she cares about, trying to find a way to save our people time and time again. Getting nothing more then the people closest to her hating everything about her.
No one understands what it takes to lead. I always tried to be the bad guy, the one who gets all the blame so she won't bare it. It kills me to see what its been doing to her. She's not the same girl that jumped off the drip ship. The one who tried to find the good in this place, the girl who didn't question herself.
Watching her is like watching a slow motion movie. I've scanned every inch of her body, her blonde strands of hair, those blue eyes that pierce my soul. I knew her every move without us speaking a word. I know her like she is my right arm. That if something happened to her, it would wreck me. Loving her isn't easy by any means. She's difficult, bossy and opinionated, but damn it if I didn't find all those qualities sexy. And given everything I know, she would never in this lifetime or the next love me.
Here I sit watching her, the night sky casting a glow on her skin. As she watches the stars our hands intertwined together. The feelings I get when moments like this happen feel so right but yet here my head screams she left you and she will leave you again.
Clarke's POV
Everything I seem to care about disappears. Even Bellamy has become more and more distant from me since that night. I should be relieved that we aren't close like before. The more I push away the less ill get hurt. Him ignoring me hurts. The more we don't speak the more guilt bubbles up inside for leaving him. I watch him from across the make shift campsite. He's talking with Sinclair a light smile playing on his lips. I can still see the small little scar right above his left upper side lip. The freckles sprinkled across his face.
I couldn't bring myself to count how many times I've imagined running my hands through his curly hair. I feel my heart skip anytime those chocolate brown eyes take a glance over towards me.
"You're wasting your time." Octavia says as she pops a squat by me. I just look at her in shock. I could never imagine loosing Bellamy like she has Lincoln. I understand the hatred she's carrying around and although I don't agree with whom she is directing it towards. I understand the pain.
"He's your brother, Octavia. I understand your hurting but…" she cuts me off.
"Don't. He would still be here if it wasn't for him. He started the war. He killed the love of my life. Don't you understand the pain I relieve every waking moment and every nightmare that comes at night? As far as I'm concerned once we save your people, I'm done." She walks off the hatred spilling over her body. Bellamy starts to come her way.
"Stop" I say as I watch him look at me with anger.
"She shouldn't be out there alone right now." He huffs.
"You know well enough that she can handle her own."
"She's still my sister."
"And she will always be Bell. But the pain she is feeling is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. She lost a piece of herself. And you played a part in that. Right now you're here, she needs someone to put all that blame on." I watch is eyes turning from anger to regret and sadness.
"If I could I would take it back. I was so pissed at first. They had you, and I couldn't save you. I tried so hard to find you and bring you home. Then I lost the one person who made me forget just for a while. They had you and they took Gina from me so yes I lost my way. I was wrong I was the monster I always knew I would be and have always been. And nothing you can say will change it Clarke. I should have never gone with Pike's plan. But I did and I can't take it back. No matter how many times I wish it." He was holding the tears back as he looks straight ahead into the dark of the night.
All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms. I wanted to tell him I'm sorry for not going back with him the second time. That I shouldn't have stayed with Lexa. I never realized how hard he tried to get me back. I was so lost in this world of self-loathing and hating everything I've become that I didn't realize he was there for me this whole time.
"I'm sorry," I whispered as I put my arms around him. "I'm so sorry." I say once more. He puts his arms around my waist as he tightens his hold on me.
"You have nothing to be sorry about Princess."
Bellamy's POV
Holding her felt right. I saw a glimpse of the old Clarke tonight. The one who was brave. Who stood up to me. I rested my head on the top of her head. As I thought back to that day when everything seemed wrong yet right.
It was the night she had killed Finn. She needed someone and I was the only one who could that night. I found Clarke sitting alone lost in her thoughts. She was crying and all I could think to do was to pull her towards me and just hold her. She cried for hours it seemed like just laying in my arms as I rubbed her back. I wanted this. I wanted to take all her pain away.
"Bellamy" she says just above a whisper as I snap out of my thoughts and back to reality.
"Yes Princess?" she pulls away slightly as she looks up to me.
"I should have come back that day. The day you lost Gina. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. Like you have always been there for me." I searched her blue eyes.
"We all make mistakes Clarke. I've made more than I would like to admit."
"I don't want you to hate me. I know I would hate myself right now. All the things that I have done…" I cut her off.
"We have done. You're not the only one who has pulled that lever, pulled the trigger, or made the tough choices. But I don't and will never hate you Clarke. You mean more to me then you could possibly know."
You know that moment when the world stops, when life feels infinitely better? That moment was when Clarke's lips were on mine. It was slow and soft. I could feel the need in her kiss, the passion, and my whole world was spinning. If there were a heaven this would be it. When she pulled away I could feel the emptiness creeping up again.
"Wow." Was all I could say.
"Yeah." She answered back. We just stood watching each other afraid to move, to go back to reality.