I felt my heart beat a little fast and my chest tighten as I thought of the mounting bills, emails and video planning I had to do. In the darkness of my room I could feel my hand start to shake and so I defiantly closed my laptop and moved it to the floor.
Gradually, I turned over, pulling my duvet with me, and curled up into a small ball. Again, it was 5am and I had wasted yet another perfectly good day to be even the slightest bit productive. I could feel the frustration building up and squeezing my eyes shut, I fought back the urge to scream.
I was unchanged twenty minutes later until a passing police car momentarily lit up my room with florescent lights and piercing sirens. I shook myself and rolled over onto my back, staring at the ceiling. And as I watched head light beams dance across the ceiling, never ceasing, I fell down my whole of 'existential crises'.
'What's wrong with you, Dan?' but no one was there to hear me say these words. No one cared.
'First world problems Dan.' I sighed angrily, 'Why should people care about you? You're nothing special. Even Phil's too good to be your friend, wait, no, that's not the point... and now apparently you talk to yourself.' I threw the duvet away from my body and swung my feet onto to the carpeted floor. I kicked a few t-shirts and other random objects into the corner and began to pace up and down my room.
The looming dread of living your life right until inevitable death, accepting your life is meaningless in comparison to the eternally expanding universe from its non-existent/infinite centre and the fact that my youth is slipping away as time slips through my fingers like a torrenting waterfall were all pressing on my mind and soul. The stress of adult life and commitments were overwhelming me. I couldn't handle it. How do people do this? If I'm really supposed to be in total control of my life, to make it the best life I can as I only get one, why do I go out of my way to steer away from anything that involves too much effort or devotion? I want to do it, I try but it's all, homework, procrastination and tumblr. God damn you tumblr. WHY AM I BLAMING TUMBLR? IT'S ME! IT'S ALWAYS ME!
Slowly, I fell to me knees and onto the floor. I couldn't bring myself to move a muscle, not even a finger twitch. My head was exploding with those usual horrific thoughts of life and death but at the same time, I couldn't feel anything. Nothing felt real and everything was far too real. If the universe was less complicated or someone just handed me the answers, would this end? What if the universe just stopped, if I just ended, would I prefer that?
I began to shiver uncontrollably as the cold floor consumed my body and I couldn't stop myself thinking, 'but what if...a demon murderer?' when I fully noticed how dark and terrifying it was to lay on the floor.
And then there was a knock at my door, 'Hey Dan? Do you want a cup of tea?'
'...'
'Yeah, go on then.'