AN: I don't own B:2S, nor do I make any profits from playing in their Infraworld. [AM1]

I leapt onto Ryan, a habit that had come with expecting Aiden to protect me and anyone close enough to me. Then, the world exploded, and my world went dark.

Something moved, rustling me awake. I opened my eyes. Ryan's eyes were opened. He was sitting up, looking around at the vast expanse of white, crumbling room. "We're alive?"

I didn't say anything. Something felt…off. I sat up abruptly, getting to my feet as my eyes scanned. Ryan was still slowly sitting up. He was still seemed to be shocked that we were breathing. I guess I should be amazed as well. Cole had said the blast would kill us, but I couldn't seem to focus past the…emptiness I felt. "Aiden?"

Ryan got to his feet, running his hands through his hair. I was busy scanning the room and my thoughts. But I couldn't find him.

"We made it," Ryan breathed in awe, his relief giving way to excitement. "Jodie, we made it!"

He turned to me, pausing at what he saw.

There was a constricting feeling just below my chest. I had various wounds on my body from the blast and fighting off entities, but nothing compared to the pain that I was feeling in my chest. I held my hand there, not wanting to accept what my body was trying to tell me. "Aiden?!"

Ryan wasn't saying anything anymore. In fact, I don't even think he was moving. My frantic eyes scanned around the giant white cavern one more time, before I came to accept the crushing realization.

I had seen a lot of death, but this one literally brought me to my knees. Choked noises that were so heartbreakingly earnest broke out, and it took me a minute to recognize that they were coming from me. I suddenly knew that this was what a person mourning true love would sound like. I hunched over, trying to keep myself together when I felt like I was shattering into jagged fragments. Strong arms pulled me into a warm body to help me, but it didn't help much.

Aiden was gone.

Things became a blur after that. I would blink, and there was a new scene in front of me. Somehow, I was out of that hellish sub-ground floor in the pentagon building and in a board room surrounded by people in uniform. I would blink again, and time would have passed. I was sitting in a lobby, a strong arm around my shoulders, but I didn't care to look and see who it was holding me. It didn't matter. I opened my eyes and saw that I was in a hospital. I didn't have the best of memories with hospitals. At least, I didn't think I did. I couldn't remember. I blinked again, and I was in a small house that seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place where I had seen it before. I couldn't place a lot of things. My memories were all jumbled and confused, whether from grief or my time in the Infraworld. It was hard to tell, not that I cared all that much to bother. If I stayed silent, I could just go on like this. Not really existing, able to block out the pain.

So I stayed silent, even when there were sounds around me.

The world began to grow dim and dark, and that sparked a reaction in me. I started to feel terrified, though I wasn't sure why. My body was acting without my thought. It jumped up from the bed and tried to run away from the blackness of the sun. I hit something hard and was jolted with even more life. I slid down to the ground, my knees pressed up against my chest, my breath short and fast.

The sun wasn't dark. Why would I think that? The sun is light. It always has been. A sign of hope. A sign of peace. Why would I…

You have to find the Black Sun, Jodie. You have to go without me.

I knew that voice. My lungs slowed down a little. I wanted to not be alone. I wanted to find the owner of that voice that I was familiar with. Maybe then, the pain would go away.

Would it?

I stopped to think about my own questions, but was interrupted when I realized that I could actually hear that voice. Outside of my head.

I looked up, focusing on a handsome face with strong features. The man had light skin and blue eyes.

No, no, that's not right! His mouth was moving. I could see his arms on my shoulders and distantly realized that the handsome man was shaking me, but I couldn't hear him. Why couldn't I hear him?

I turned my head a little, noticing movement out of the corner of my eye.

Cole, my mind supplied instantly. Safe. I through myself forward into his arms, waiting for the pain to go away, but it didn't.

"You're safe, Jodie. I've got you. I'm not going anywhere. It's over."

"It will never be over," I said, realizing as I said it that it wasn't the first time I had uttered those words. My mind pulled up images of Cole in a control room behind a one-way mirror, as a terrified little girl went to bed for the first time in a new environment.

Cole didn't respond. I pulled back to see his dark face. A face that brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Slowly, I was starting to gain more awareness, more of a story, but it was all mixed up and incomprehensible.

"How are you feeling, Jodie?" Cole asked carefully, his warm eyes showing his concern and love. Yes, that's right. I realized that Cole truly did love me the moment he stayed behind, urging me to go on without him though it meant certain death for him.

My heart lifted a little, and I sniffed. "You're alive," I said brokenly.

Cole gave a small, small smile. "I'm harder to kill than you might think."

I gave a watery laugh through my crying. I wasn't even entirely sure why I was crying. My thoughts took a 180. I guess my mind automatically brought up the face of the man that I always saw any time Cole was around. "Nathan?" I asked.

There was a short cough from the side. I turned my head to look at the handsome man that I had seen earlier. He was somewhat familiar. "You don't remember?" he asked in a smooth voice.

I blinked. I saw a man on the floor, a bullet hole in his head, a gun in his hand. There you are Jodie. Fuck. What happened?

"He found what he was looking for," I said monotonously, and then realized what I was saying. I sat back on my heels, tears rolling down my cheeks as I looked down. "Cole, N…Nathan, h-he…he—"

"Shh…" Cole said, wrapping his arms around me. "You don't have to say it, Jodie. I know. I know. Shh, princess."

Nathan was dead. Nathan had killed himself. To be with his family. But I, I had chosen to live.

"Why?" I asked myself.

"Why what, Jodie?" Cole asked.

"Why did I choose to live?!" I asked, getting to my feet. "Why did I choose to come back? Everyone leaves me. There's nothing left for me. FUCK! Fuck, Cole. It hurts. It hurts so much."

I was wrapped in the other man's arms this time. I struggled to get away at first, but he was relentless. Finally, I let myself fall into him until he was supporting me entirely as I vented out my pain through my tears. "Aiden…" I sobbed.

The man cradled me to his chest with a hand that was large enough to encompass the entire back of my head. Hands that I was familiar with. Intimately.

And then I knew. I knew why I had chosen to come back. It was because of him. Ryan.

"This is your fucking fault! Why did you make me love you? Aiden is gone because of you[AM2] !"

"Jodie—" he said brokenly.

I beat at his chest until he let me go.

I had to get out of here. I ran out of the room and down the hall to the stairs. I realized that I was in Cole's house. I recognized it from when he had let me stay here before we went to track down my mother. Or was it after? Fuck! No, it couldn't have been after. We got caught at my mother's hospital after Aiden…

I ran to the garage, wondering if the bike would still be there even as I realized that I had a bike in the first place. But that wasn't quite right. It wasn't my bike, but I was given the bike. I shook off my thoughts. Cole wouldn't get rid of it, but I couldn't be sure how long it had been here. My memories weren't the greatest right now.

All I knew was that I wanted to get out of here. The memories and expectations were too much. When Ryan had said my name, with so much love and emotion, I knew instinctively that at some point, I had loved him just as much. But my memories were all messed up and through the haze of pain, all I could do was blame my suffering on the closest target. It wasn't fair to him. His memories were still there. He wouldn't understand my hatred and anger.

I opened the door, and sure enough, there it was. It didn't look all that impressive with its rust and dust, but it brought up so many good things. There was a tan canvas backpack sitting on the seat. I easily found the button to the garage door. I hesitated only a moment before pressing the button. The garage door opened with a grumble, and it wasn't until that point that I heard my muffled name being called. There were rapid footsteps coming down the stairs now. What had I done to deserve such caring people that would give me my space and respect my privacy when they just wanted to comfort me? From what I could remember, I wasn't that great of a person. I was a horrible person actually. The garage door opening had alerted them to my intentions, and I was sure that they would be here soon to stop me.

I quickly put the backpack on my back and kicked the motorcycle to start, and the old thing faithfully choked to a roar. The door to the house was opening. I could see Ryan's desperate eyes, begging me to stay, but it was that inequality of emotion that reminded me again why I had to leave. I couldn't let the man I knew loved me know that I had forgotten that I loved him.

I pulled out before he could reach me because I knew that without Aiden to help me it wouldn't be a fair fight. He was more than double my size and had the same training I had. I had never felt like a bigger coward in my life.

At first, I made sure to make a lot of confusing twists and turns on random roads and streets. It didn't feel safe to stay on a direct path until I could put more distance between them and myself. I wasn't sure if they would try to follow me, but if Ryan did, I knew that he would be able to catch up to me easily. After I had driven a while, continuously checking my mirrors, I felt save enough to relax. I pulled into a gas station.

I took my backpack off my back and searched for money. I didn't find much except for clothes and other bare essentials. After another few minutes of searching, I gave up and begged somebody for gas money, surprised at how natural it came to me. Even more surprisingly was how quickly the person relented. He took one look at my face and swiped his card at the gas tank and watched me fill the motorcycle up without a word. He even went inside and brought me out a bag of food without my asking.

I must have looked pretty bad for a stranger to do all of that. I shivered, feeling cold as I vaguely remembered a time and place where strangers had not been so quick to help a person in need.

The pump clicked off, breaking me from my thoughts. The tank was full. I thanked the stranger and stashed the bag of food in my backpack before heading out.

It was a sunny day, very incongruous to my dark thoughts, but being on the open road reminded me of a sense of freedom. I could literally go anywhere. I may not be able to outrun my problems, but I could at least try. With that thought in mind, I planned to drive until I couldn't or didn't want to keep going.

Cole lived in the suburbs next to a large city for his work. I was able to watch as the sun moved in the sky. The urban towers and humming electricity started to be replaced by more grassy front and backyards with polished, suburban houses of upper-middle class families. The quality and size of the roads changed as well, going from six lanes wide and bustling with traffic to barely two lanes wide and barren. Even the nice houses became few and far between until I only noticed the occasional farmhouse sitting amongst vast expanses of fields. I drove until it grew dark.

My memories swirling through my mind like an angry swarm. My thoughts were becoming even more chaotic and confusing. Somehow, putting distance between myself and Ryan seemed to ease my tension a little bit, but I knew I couldn't outrun my problems. Despite knowing that, I kept driving until I started falling asleep. At that point, I pulled off the main roads until took some country roads until I found a road that was very remote. I drove the bike behind a tree off the road and leant it against the rough, solid bark. It felt good to stand up and stretch my muscles out.

After glancing around to make sure I couldn't see any sign of civilization, I laid a jacket from my bag on the ground and propped the backpack up behind my head to use as a pillow. It wasn't the best solution. I could already feel the bugs coming closer in interest, but I didn't have any money. There was a barn across the road farther back in the field, and it was tempting, but I didn't want to risk the owner coming in and seeing me. That had happened once or twice before in my life. I thought. Maybe.

I stopped my train of thought before it could get lost in the confusing bowl of thoughts that my mind was. I looked up at the clear sky instead, tracing designs in the stars and wondering what Aiden was doing and if he was happy.

I closed my eyes for the first time in what seemed like weeks. My broken memories kept playing out in my mind, but one in particular stood out in the front. It was my memory of waking up without Aiden. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and it was a long time before I was able to fall unconscious from exhaustion.