Truly, Madly, Deeply, an alexander fanfic

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Angst, friendship, love.

The final segment to Catch the Wind and Reconciliation...Hephaistion and Alexander finally get things worked out.

Song lyrics exerpts: Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones - Savage Garden :Affirmation, California, Truly, Madly Deeply

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument...

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hand..

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned...

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye...

The forest was dark and chill from a recent downpour, soothing the heat in Alexander's face. The cold white stars shining in the black sky overhead beckoned, offering solace from the pain in his heart. To be up there among them away from the cares of being...away from...if only Hephaistion had... Alexander kicked a piece of wood in his path. He shivered a little, and sneezed, it was cold, and his bed had been warm. For a moment he thought... Non, anything would be better than returning to watch Hephaistion with Demades.

It was not that he disliked Demades, indeed, he was a fine fellow, funny and charming, good with a bow and a good rider, his worship of Boukephalus had made Alexander glow with pride. Why, though had he come up from Athens just now? Wasn't it hard enough with everything...with his feelings with his father, with Hephaistion? Oh, by the Dog! Alexander swore and kicked the piece of wood harder and swore when his big toe shrieked with pain. By the whore of Egypt! He hopped about on one foot for a moment. That hurt! Why could Demades not just return to Athens! He wasn't needed here, he wasn't wanted here!

He had tried so hard, Alexander reflected over whelmed by feelings of frustration. The roses...he was certain Hephaistion would recognize them. Just two weeks before Demades had arrived, they had climbed the ruins by the river and gathered armfuls of them, strung them into garlands to deck their horses with. There were no other of that hue in the whole of the Garden of the Nymphs; they grew only on that spot.

He sighed and decided to stop, his toe ached. He could not walk forever, but he would try anything to get as far away as possible from Mieza. Anything to kill the memory that was like a wasp in his brain of Hephaistion holding his small offering of roses and smiling that smile that ought to have been for him alone, but giving it to his cousin instead. Non! By the... the...non! He would not have it! Then he slumped down sinking suddenly onto a mat of wet pine needle. Wrapping his cloak about himself tightly he brushed away a single tear.

"Alexander! ...ander...!" Alexander pulled himself upright and stretched. He must have fallen asleep. His foot ached for some reason, it was covered with blood. His fingers were likewise bloodied. Ah, the splinter. He began to pick at the torn flesh when he thought he heard a voice, but then dismissed it. It was most likely the rain through the trees. He was soaked through. It dripped down onto his head from the branches overhead. He rose to his feet, feeling a little unsteady, sighed loudly and swore several times for good measure. Pulling an apple and bit of bread from a fold of his cloak he ate as he strode along. The apple was fine, but the bread wet and tasteless, and smelled mouldy. He finally tossed it away. He shivered again and took off his cloak, and frowned. It was torn. When had that occurred? Well, it mattered little just now. He would have to stop and let it dry, his chiton wasn't much warmer. Alexander knew Helios ought to be rising by now, but his bright rays were dimmed by clouds.

"Even the skies are sad." He mused unhappily. He tried out several bird calls and found his voice was a mere croak. His throat was a bit sore and his head ached, but he thought it was due to the crying. Being alone wasn't too bad. It might even be alright if he were not so cold. If he could start a fire...but everything was wet even down to the dirt which was turning to mud in some places. Assessing his position, he began to drag the largest driest tree branches he could find and built a small shelter. He hung his chiton and cloak from the branches inside, but it would do little good it would take hours for the sodden wool to dry. Meantime the smell drove him away. It was heavy and rank in his nostrils. Emerging from the small shelter, he stood unclothed and wrapped his arms about himself. The skies poured down anew drenching him. He blew on his hands and began to swing his arms around and jog a bit in place to stay warm. At least I am clean, he thought with a chuckle as he shook his head sending a spray of water in all directions. He began to feel a bit dizzy.

"Xandros! Can you hear me? Answer back, call out, please, Xandros!" That was not imagination

Alexander tried to turn in the direction of the voice, but his limbs felt heavy. This was odd, he was lying on the ground, in the mud, how had that happened? Again the voice called out. It was Hephaistion's.

"Hep..." It was no use his voice came out like a rusty plow scraping along hard ground. He would try a bird call again even if it hurt his throat. It sounded sickly and off. Hephaistion would never hear that. How had he found him? How could he possibly know where he was? He had walked for miles, hours. Then as the forest began to lighten just a little, Alexander began to look about let out a cry. He was lost, completely, he was sure of it, so how... Oh, why had he left? Why had he been such a fool? He crawled into the shelter and lay there panting, freezing. He felt such a fool. He could never look Hephaistion in the eye again.

There is nothing I can say, and

There are no good words left anyway...

You can never go back,

You can never back again...

I need to find out do you still feel,

Do you still feel alone?

Hephaistion quickened his pace until he was running so far ahead of the rest of the search party he could no longer hear them. Aristotle's voice resounded in his head as he ran. "He is brooding over something, someone, do you think you can figure out what that might be Hephaistion?"

All Hephaistion could think of was an argument he and Alexander had gotten into weeks before Demades had come up from Athens. Alexander had expressed his fears that his father would leave him nothing to prove himself by and he, Hephaistion had told him he was being foolish. He was young yet, had only fought in one battle, and still had much to learn. They had quarrelled hotly, and Alexander had stalked from the palestra angry with him. He had spurned his attempts to discuss things, saying if he, Hephaistion doubted him, then he would have no friends. He had been moody and argumentative for days afterward. It had stung Hephaistion's pride. When Demades had written of coming for a visit, Hephaistion had written back, after gaining Aristotle's permission, eagerly inviting him.

Looking back he realized now how cutting his doubt of Alexander's fears must have been to him. How could he have even said those things to him? Indeed, he knew what Alexander's dreams, his desires meant to him, his yearnings were powerful, at times Hephaistion wished they were a bit less, for he felt they left him little peace. Besides it was more than that. There was a change within himself, his feelings toward Alexander and he had no trouble acknowledging it, but was not sure it was the same for Alexander. At times in the palestra or while bathing Alexander would suddenly become shy and girlish as where before nothing would have flustered him. Hephaistion reflected on his talk with Aristotle and shook his head angry with himself, this was his fault. He could have prevented it, but now it was too late, Alexander had fled, his hurt feelings now only too clear leaving Hephaistion with the bitter acknowledgement that he might have driven him toward it.

You were kind and sometimes cruel,

You said all the world's not gonna satisfy you...

And nothing could have hurt as much as the truth...

jagged I need to find, I need to find some peace of mind...

I know you can never look back, can never look back again,

I been crazy, I been wonderin'

Do you still feel alone?

Tell me 'cause I wanta find out, do you still feel,

Do you still feel alone?

"Gods! Alexander, please, Alexander, where are you?" His voice was a paean of frenzied concern. He ran on and on, not even watching his steps. Once he tripped over something jagged, he could feel blood trickle down his leg but, pulled himself to his feet and went on. His eyes, ever sharp and clear spied something on a branch. A piece of material, dark brown...Alexander's cloak! Thank the Gods! Hephaistion lifted his eyes heavenward as he and mouthed his thanks. Then his heart lurched, there was blood on it, and it was still damp. He screamed and began to run faster than before.

"He..ph..ph -" There, like a croaking frog, he heard it. Hephaistion scrambled up an embankment of rocks and nearly struck his head as he tumbled down the other side.

"Xandros if you can hear me make a noise, any sort, something, please!" He screamed himself nearly hoarse but smiled with relief when he heard the smashing of two rocks together. He limped in the direction of the continuing sound. He saw a hand waving a green chiton in the distance and nearly cried with relief. He crashed through the wet underbrush and nearly slid into Alexander's lap when his foot slipped in the mud.

"You look a sight." Alexander's voice was cool and then he grabbed Hephaistion's arm and held onto him tightly. "How did you find me? I lost my way, and...I, I have been a fool. I..." Hephaistion smiled and kissed his brow.

"Non, it is I...It matters little. Oh, Xandros! I am so glad I found you. I prayed to the gods...I..." Hephaistion licked his lips and turned away for a moment he would not cry, he ordered himself.

Love is elusive when you search for it,

Happiness sometimes just creeps in...

"Hephaistion are you alright?" Alexander's hand was in Hephaistion's hair playing with the springy curls, his eyes where shining, and his face flushed a delicate pink. Hephaistion thought, he looks beautiful, breathtaking and safe...thank the gods!

"Truly, you do not know where you are?" Hephaistion cleared his throat. It sounded odd to his ears, but just looking at Alexander brought up so many emotions. He made a show of wiping his nose, to hide his sniffing. "It is our ruins; we are not far from the river. Do you not recall we climbed them just weeks ago and gathered the roses?" He looked down sheepishly and heaved a teary sigh. "I realized too late, about the roses, I..." His voice broke with emotion and he looked away. Alexander bit his lip, but the tears were already coursing down his face. For a moment neither of them spoke then Hephaistion cleared his throat.

"I am sorry for what I said, for my lack of faith in your dreams. I was...I... Demades has gone home. I..." Alexander touched his face tenderly and Hephaistion took him into his cloak to warm him. When the rest of the search party found them they were still huddled together. Only Aristotle's sharp eyes knew it for what it was, an embrace.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy,

I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.

I'll love you more with every breath,

Truly, madly, deeply, do.

I love you.

...I believe love surviving death into eternity...

Finis