The Beach

by myonlinelifeismorephantastic

The warmness of a bright summer's day beating down to heat up the sand where he'd lay and the sound of deliciously soft waves lapping at the water's edge in the background is the perfect metaphor for how Dan makes Phil feel. Safe, calm and relaxed, without a worry in the world when Dan's by his side, and maybe Dan feels exactly the same way.

Flustered, Dan decided, was probably the best word for how he was feeling right now, how he'd felt pretty much since the moment PJ had started talking earlier at the café. And an afternoon spent pacing around the closest park in London trying to sort through it all in his mind hadn't exactly done much to calm him down, rather the opposite. There was only so long, Dan knew, that he could keep himself away from Phil now, having thought all the things he'd thought this afternoon and knowing now how he thought he felt. No, what he knew he felt, no matter how confusing it was that he knew everything he did know. After hours of muddling it over and coming to no conclusions, Dan just wanted to be back with Phil to talk to him about just how it was possible to know something without ever having really known it at all.

Making it back to the apartment Dan was still flustered, but at least the apartment was where Phil was and Dan knew everything would feel just that much calmer if Phil was around; it always did. The frantic slamming of the door alerted an otherwise unaware Phil to Dan's arrival. He had been in the middle of editing a new video and getting into the nice work flow any other distraction would have been highly unwelcome to interrupt, but with Phil just about anything could be put on hold for Dan.

'Hey,' the older boy called cheerfully as Dan entered the living room looking thoroughly disgruntled. 'You're home later than I'd thought you'd be. You must have been having fun?' Phil laughed although Dan immediately crossed the room to allow Phil to pull him into the close hug he needed. He sighed there in the shorter boy's arms, knowing he'd been right. A hug from Phil was always one of the most comforting things but in this case, although Phil's closeness and the affectionate kiss the older boy placed to Dan's cheek when they pulled back meant even more than the same thing had this morning, it wasn't enough comfort that Dan was going to be satisfied with remaining silent and leaving Phil ignorant to his new problem.

'Dan? Love? Are you okay? You look…confused?' Phil began questioning as soon as he pulled back from Dan, holding the younger boy still within arm's reach but now far enough away to notice how he seemed a little…not wary so much as the expression on his face seemed akin to that of a child, an innocent wonder but of something that still didn't make sense and the uneasiness he saw set Phil on edge too. Had it been the kiss? Had he finally gone one too far, he wondered, but that would be fine, Phil reminded himself. Dan was hardly going to leave because of one tiny little kiss and he'd been acting strange from the moment he'd walked through the door anyway.

Phil didn't need to ask any further though, because Dan was taking the lead with this one, taking Phil's hands tightly in his own to guide him over to the couch where they sat close, fingers still interlaced. It was looking into Phil's concerned blue gaze now that Dan finally spoke, struggling to find the right words when he was so wrapped up in his own head but he was looking to Phil now differently than any other time before.

'Phil, we need to talk about something.'

The words Dan finally came out with shouldn't have shocked Phil but they did, and with the shock came a certain panic as the older boy hurled himself through every memory he had of the last week or so, desperately in search of anything he might have done to warrant this sudden need for a serious conversation from Dan. Even in doing so, however, Phil tried to be careful not to let on to the younger boy that those words had worried him so; he'd never forgive himself if turned Dan away by giving off the impression he'd be unavailable to talk because that certainly was not the case. Phil practically lived to be there for Dan in any way the younger boy would let him.

'Um, okay,' but the nervous beginning was quickly corrected into something Phil hoped was a little more comforting to the clearly confused brunet in front of him. 'Yeah, of course. Anything at all, Dan. I'm always here for you, you know that,' Phil reminded him although he was already sure Dan did know perfectly well. A little comforting gesture to help coax it out of the younger boy could never go too far amiss, however, especially when Dan seemed so worked up it might be unlikely he ever calmed down enough otherwise.

'Right, uh, okay, sorry, I'm calm. I'm not panicking, I'm just a little…confused, is that even the right word?' Dan was rambling but knew Phil was there to help make it all make a bit more sense, so he let the older boy take a moment to pull him into a second hug, tighter than the first and warmer too, as this hug involved some gentle hair stroking and a soft kiss placed to Dan's temple. It was nice for a moment, really nice, but why it was so nice was all part of what Dan needed to talk about.

'It's okay, sweet,' Phil was murmuring against his ear, convenient access considering where Dan had placed his head: nestled into the crook of Phil's neck he allowed the hug to reach levels of intimacy not unheard of between the two but more than their regular. 'Take your time.' Dan only needed a moment, however, as the fond pet name and feel of Phil's breath as he spoke it across sensitive skin reminded him of the issue here. Such affection often sent an addictive shiver down Dan's spine and it had always been something he'd craved but never questioned. It was only now after today it had finally been brought to his attention that after all these years perhaps he should have been questioning it.

'Well, I hope it doesn't come as a shock to you, because that would be really awkward.' Dan's beginning was spoken with a certain caution once he forced himself away from the warmness of Phil's arms, needing to concentrate in order to form the words he needed to. The returned expression from Phil would always be one of utmost support; no judgment ever hid behind his blue eyes so Dan knew what he was about to say wouldn't wreck anything even if it went in a different direction to what he hoped. That knowledge was the only thing that allowed him to go on. Phil's expression was urging him to.

'It's, uh, well, it's not anything we've exactly talked about before, which is where I'm confused. That and, well, the fact I've never actually even thought about any of it until today when…when PJ mentioned, so really I'm not sure if it's even that big of a deal 'cause I guess it depends on how you feel more than me 'cause I know how I feel now and-'

The rambling was cut off by the soft touch of the other boy's finger to Dan's lips, effectively silencing him just as well as the wide-eyed stern look Phil gave would have on its own. 'Whatever it is, Dan, it doesn't have to be a big deal unless you want it to be, but you've got to tell me what it is first. You can trust me, love.' Again with the familiar nicknames that while should have added to the already confusing mix, Dan found the continuation of Phil's normal behaviour around him to be relaxing, reassuring instead. Taking his hand out of Phil's to lace his fingers anxiously through his hair instead, Dan's brown eyes flickered shut for only a short second before they were back searching for answers in the blue ones that sat opposite him on the couch.

'Well, it's just, in all honesty, somehow the thought's never crossed my mind, so at first I thought he had to be joking. This was when I was having lunch with him earlier today, PJ, I mean. You know about that. I asked you if you could come but you were-'

Dan seemed to be speaking almost guiltily which Phil found was unacceptable. Just because he'd happened to miss the younger boy while he'd been away would never be a reason, Phil believed, for Dan to feel responsible for that, so he cut Dan off before he could start apologizing. 'I was busy editing, yeah, but Dan, it's fine,' Phil soothed the frantic boy with a soft tone and a few softer strokes to brown hair that was beginning to curl from the rain. 'You are allowed to have fun without me, you know. Go on.'

'Um, yeah, what was I saying?' Dan struggled to catch his train of thought, thinking it might be nicer to just lean into Phil's touch for a moment but that didn't solve the problem. 'Right, um, well, I mean, he was just joking about how I must have been…lonely, because you weren't there, and then he was saying 'cause how he never sees one of us without the other anymore and well, I mean I laughed 'cause it's kinda true, right?'

The words were paused by a laugh not too dissimilar to the one Dan had been reminiscing, however, the reconstruction seemed somewhat more desperate. Phil allowed a fairly neutral shrug and small jerk of his head although he knew Dan was right, but it had never been something they'd worried about before; why now?

'Anyway, uh, this is where it gets sort of…weird, 'cause then he said, um, he said…'

'What did he say, Danny?'

'Well, uh, he said honestly he was just waiting around for the day we announce our wedding.'

Dan paused again, this time almost for dramatic effect and in that moment's silence some of Dan's confusion finally set in with Phil. 'Wedding?' He repeated the word, feeling it thick on his tongue, unfamiliar and clumsy. Not that the concept itself was what was confusing but only for a split second could Phil lose himself in the ideal world where he'd have the chance to marry the love of his life before reality called to Phil in the form of Dan, not his boyfriend, no matter how long he'd wished for it. For two people, albeit two very close people, but two people nonetheless that were not involved romantically in any way, the concept of a wedding was understandably foreign and apparently finally the time had come, Phil understood, that everyone else had sat up and taken notice of their relationship that somewhat pushed the boundaries of platonic.

As if to emphasize the absurdity of a marriage between the two of them, Dan laughed awkwardly as Phil repeated the word, both boys trying their best to appear uncomfortable with PJ's assumption but their gazes lingered just slightly too long for a certain mutual understanding to pass between them. 'Yeah,' Dan agreed, gaze shifting uneasily around the room though not for too long before it was drawn back to Phil's. 'I was sure he must have still been joking at first, but apparently I laughed for slightly too long because…well, uh, the point is he genuinely thinks we're dating. Apparently all our friends do and like, I know everyone's made the joke about 'Phan' before but we've denied it, cause it's not, but everyone's been under the impression we've actually been together this whole time.'

Dan finished with the hints of a faint blush tainting his cheeks as he once more attempted to avoid Phil's gaze before failing miserably and returning to the lingering stare between them. A particularly apprehensive tension settled in the air making Phil wonder when Dan was going to take his hands back but that moment never came. It seemed in that time neither of them was quite sure what the appropriate response should be to a false accusation of their supposed relationship, probably because they were both acutely aware of how legitimate a mistake it was to be made.

'Well, um,' Phil wrestled with his words, biting back tears, of all things, that were threatening to form. If anyone asked him to explain exactly why he felt like crying in that moment he probably wouldn't have been able to answer them, admit it out loud. In himself, however, he knew the truth was that while in the moment he believed Dan thought the whole thing to be utterly ridiculous, Phil was sat on the other side of the fence, lost in the fantasy of just what if everyone's jump to a conclusion hadn't been too far a leap after all. It would have been impossible for them to deny the truth that as friendships went, theirs was one that was rather unique, quite personal and intimate, but after years of hopelessly loving the younger boy in front of him, Phil still felt a little sad every time he was reminded that, no matter how close to Dan he was, they were always only friends. Close ones, but just that and nothing more.

'Do you have a…problem with that?' Phil settled on as the best reply, the one that would give him the most information about how Dan was feeling. 'I mean, we're close as friends, right? Maybe everyone just…misinterpreted. We can tell them different, only if you'd like,' Phil was cautious but couldn't hold himself back from the sly suggestion of the idea maybe they just said nothing, let people continue to believe the lie; Phil certainly wanted to believe. As he spoke he couldn't help but cast a sad glance down to their still entwined fingers, waiting for the moment when Dan would pull away for good, because surely after this he'd have come to his senses and realise this wasn't how he wanted the world to see him and to Phil it would feel like Dan was tearing out a piece of his heart when he went. Dan's hands, however, stayed exactly where they were. If anything his grip became a little stronger with the renewed enthusiasm to his voice when he answered, leaving Phil more confused than before.

'No, Phil, I don't, not really, but well, that is the problem, kind of,' Dan began, a slow but sure smile spreading across his face as he watched Phil's frown deepen. Not ten minutes before Dan had been confused by just about every aspect of this, but while now it was still confusing how it had all come about, he was confident in one particular aspect: his feelings towards Phil and he couldn't help but smile.

'Everything PJ mentioned, everything about us, how we act, what we do, all of it, it's been the only thing I've been thinking about all day since he told me and well, uh, I think he might be right!'

There were many things Dan could have said that Phil would have been able to live with, even if finding a way to do so would have to be a slow, eventual process, but out of all the anticipated responses, what Dan did say was certainly not something Phil would ever have been able to predict. It wasn't even really an answer that made sense. They weren't dating, never had been, no matter how many times Phil's had laid awake at night wishing upon every star he could see outside his bedroom window. He'd never let any of those dreams be known to Dan and equally Dan had never shared any form of evidence that he felt similar in any respect and Phil had been fine with that up until now. Even if he couldn't call Dan his in the way he most wanted to, Phil had found peace in being with Dan in the way that he was. It had always been enough, he'd made sure it was, although now he was starting to question if perhaps it had seemed like enough because, considering how they acted, it almost was, just without the formality of either of them strictly knowing.

When Phil responded he was slow and unsure, treading carefully, delicately around their relationship as the painstakingly constructed framework he'd set up threatened to come tumbling down; who knew what Dan could say next? 'Uh, so you think PJ's right? Sorry, I'm not sure what to, uh, understand from this, Dan? You mean you think we're dating?'

Whatever Dan had meant though, surely Phil was misinterpreting, or just neither of them knew what was going on anymore, because how could two people be dating without even realising? To further confuse just about everything for Phil, he hadn't even been aware Dan had any feelings for him, Dan couldn't possibly have, unless…maybe he did.

Phil held his breath awaiting Dan's answer, not sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief when the answer he got was less than conclusive. Keeping up with the conversation anymore was impossible as Dan began speaking so quickly Phil's thoughts became a blur as they tagged along. As the younger boy rattled on, venting all his feelings, Phil could only stare but the more Dan said, the wider Phil's smile grew as everything slipped into place beautifully.

'To be honest, I don't even know what to think anymore, Phil, but, well, look at us! Look at everything we are, everything we do together; it's gotta be more than just what we think, right, even if we've never thought about it that way before! We are always together and we're always closer than we are with anyone else, closer even than just best friends. We cuddle when we watch movies together and you'll kiss my forehead when I'm sleepy and I'll hold your hand when the scary parts on. You'll always let me sleep in your bed with you when I have nightmares and whenever we insult each other it's always playfully with a smile that's more affectionate than anything else and I could stare into your eyes for an eternity but god, that's cheesy!

What I'm trying to get at here is just, well, like you know how everyone always says we fight like an old married couple, and apparently PJ thinks we're gonna get married one day anyway, but I guess, well, I guess sometimes I look over at you when you're sat there and your hair's a mess and you're wearing your glasses and your favourite hoodie and you look the way no one but me ever gets to see, yeah, well those are the times I realise it doesn't feel weird to picture nothing more for myself than the exact same thing in ten years time, even though I'll be 36, god. I always expected to be settled down by then, married, kids maybe, I don't know, but that was before I met you and now all I can do is picture myself being right here with you in ten years time, twenty, maybe even fifty!

Being with you's always felt so natural I've never questioned it and I, I enjoy my life so much when I'm with you and honestly it's exactly what I've always knew I wanted to find in…in someone who I'd settle down with but in six years of knowing you, Phil, I've never even tried to look for someone else because I've been so happy with you without even realising and right now I'm freaking out a little because I've probably, no definitely said too much if you don't feel the same way but I'm still trying to figure out when this happened anyway and why I've never said anything before this, or you, if you do feel the same, but I need to know why it's never felt weird to me either, even if we are nothing more than friends but most of all I'm wondering if it's even a good idea or not to tell you right now that no matter how you feel, I actually really, really like where we are, what we are, even if I've never realised it or have it occur to me that I should probably say something about it before today.'

Out of breath by the time he finished, Dan could only look frantically between Phil's blue eyes, waiting for the oxygen to reach his addled brain to allow him to realise Phil was grinning a little too widely for it to be a small smile of sympathy and pity. Whatever the older boy was about to reply to that big mess of a confession speech would be a positive, but Phil took his time to savour the moment before everything in his life finally fell into it's rightful place. Watching Dan watch him, Phil moved himself closer still, closing what little distance was left between them on the couch. Hand still clasped tightly with Dan's, Phil was sure the skin-to-skin contact had never felt so at home now it could finally mean just that bit more, but he broke the connection in favour of letting a soft touch trail down Dan's cheek. Cupping the smooth skin to draw the younger boy closer till their foreheads almost touched, Phil could feel Dan's breath hitch, a sweet wave across Phil's face when he let it go.

'Well, that was certainly a lot of words, Dan, but I think I can answer a few of those questions. Firstly, I'll say yeah, it was an excellent idea to tell me you like where we are because that means I can tell you that I like it too.' The smile on Phil's lips as he spoke was what Dan's eyes were trained on, losing focus on much else of his existence save for the feel of Phil's knee pressing against the inner edge of his thigh and Phil's fingers lacing back into his already rumpled hair and Phil's nose skimming his cheek as they severed the distance between them, drawing closer along a line of magnetic attraction.

'That's good,' Dan breathed, not needing to speak much louder. As close as they were, he knew Phil would be able to hear even the lightest of whispers from Dan's mouth, which was good considering he was in such a state of shock at how close he was to Phil right now, he wasn't sure he'd have been able to speak up if he tried.

'So, uh, if I say I'm not sure how I never realised before because thinking about it now I think I always have, but it's probably just because I'm a really thick idiot so I hope you can forgive me, but having thought about it all day I've finally, finally realised I sort of, um, love you, would that be a good thing to say too?' Dan was paralysed as the words finally left his mouth, partially the good kind of fear that came with having your crush's lips just millimeters from your own, but also the bad kind that tended to follow love confessions. Before Phil responded Dan wasn't sure if his heart was beating so fast he just couldn't feel it, or if it wasn't beating at all.

Phil, however, was smiling so close to Dan their lips were practically touching already, everything else was, as he worked up to words he'd been aching to say for nearly five years. 'Was that really all one sentence? It was sort of hard to follow,' he pretended to mull it over, laughing, unable to resist teasing the frustrated boy in front of him. He'd waited five years; he could wait just a few moments more if it meant seeing Dan's affectionate smile considering as they both knew what was about to happen anyway, he wasn't really thatannoyed.

'Phil,' Dan complained, drawing the older boy's name out into a groan, eyes squeezed shut as he shook his head slightly, holding Phil even closer, their limbs becoming entangled on the couch. 'Is now the time? Please?' He begged but didn't need to because Phil knew he was right where he wanted to be and he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

'Later then,' he replied smirking, struggling to form a coherent thought himself because much of his attention was focused instead on the teasing brush of Dan's lips against his own, barely there but just enough Phil could feel it anyway whether Dan was doing that on purpose or not. Really it was a wonder they were still talking at all but there was one more thing Phil had left to confess. 'For now I think I understood enough to know that would be a perfectly excellent thing for you to say considering I love you too, Dan Howell, and I always have.'

Both smiled for only a moment before Dan found the sense to reply, his mind taking longer to catch up than usual as a lack of mental clarity was proportional to proximity with Phil. 'That's really good then,' he tried to murmur but the words were practically incoherent anyway as his lips struggled to form the right shapes for the sounds when they were wrapped around Phil's in the kiss he'd been longing for all afternoon and much longer without ever knowing that was what his heart had been yearning for.

The passion was there, right where it should be, and god was it strong but it was incomprehensible. How could it be so undeniably real yet this morning when Dan had awoken, Phil had never been anything more than a friend to him? How could he feel a love that had unquestionably been there the whole time and yet he'd remained painfully ignorant of until it was painstakingly spelt out for him? Had Phil experienced the same thing, or had he known and spent the last who knew how many years secretly terrified Dan would never realise his returned feelings?

Eventually those intrusive and confusing thoughts became more important, somehow, to Dan than just forgetting it all in favour of Phil's lips on his. It took a lot of effort to pull back but Dan couldn't handle not knowing why fate had left them for so long before finally pushing them together. The sudden absence of Dan's lips was the first thing to confuse Phil, before he'd opened his eyes and sat back where he would have noticed the less than ecstatic expression tainting Dan's features now. Dan was still trying to piece everything together and it not quite registering yet that he could just ask, meant Phil was the first to speak.

'Well, for all the years we've been waiting you certainly cut that a bit shorter than I was hoping for,' he joked but with a certain honesty that didn't hide how disappointed he was that Dan was no longer kissing him. Knowing Dan had a tendency to overthink, Phil was worried that was happening now and Dan was pushing beyond how unquestionably right this felt to question it's meaning anyway. Even their closeness was lost, regrettably, as Dan let go of Phil completely, sitting back to stare at the older boy with forlorn eyes as Phil wondered what was coming.

It took a moment to fight through the haze that had become Dan's thoughts, the confusing meld of questions he needed answers to and the lingering sensations of the kiss; the butterflies in his stomach and swirling vortex in his mind. Leaning back and taking in Phil's what could only be described as scared expression, however, Dan finally decided, wonderings of how he could have been so blind aside, Phil clearly had known how he felt all along. Now, despite his joke, it was obvious Phil was experiencing the momentary terror that came with fearing the one thing you'd wanted your whole life could take itself away again right when you thought you'd won the whole world. Dan wasn't going to take himself away, not now such a simple happiness had revealed itself to him, but he knew he couldn't appreciate it fully until he understood why it was only coming about now.

'Why did you never tell me this was how you felt before?' The question was soft and curious, not accusatory in the slightest, but Phil had had the power to change things sooner so Dan knew he must have had a very good reason not for doing so. It still made him sad, however, thinking of how many years of pain he must have put Phil through, all because he'd never stopped to admit to himself for one moment that the meaning he'd been searching for his whole life had been right there in the bedroom across the hall the whole time.

'If you'd known for all these years, Phil…we could have…we could have had so much longer. You've wasted all this time, if you'd just made me realise sooner…Why did you stay so silent?'

To Phil it was clear Dan wanted to be serious right now; his somber words, full of regret, how he was sitting there holding Phil's hands between his own, squeezing them tightly as he never broke their gaze. Still caught up in that kiss, however, Phil didn't want to be serious right now. He didn't want to be bogged down with all of Dan's depressing thoughts about how 'if only they'd gotten together sooner' because he didn't see the point of living in the past. Why wallow in the regret of 'lost' years when they could be happy right now and start making up for all that time straight away. The important thing was they had realised eventually, right, even if it took someone from the outside stepping in and practically painting it across a billboard to get there.

'It's always my fault, isn't it?' Phil teased, rolling his eyes as Dan cracked a smile and the ecstasy Phil was feeling caught on, rippling outwards to fill the entire room and beyond, causing them both to laugh as Dan allowed Phil to tip them both backwards into an embrace, snuggled up against the cushions. Suddenly it was just like it had always been: the two of them engaging in what was nothing more than a playful cuddle, friendly laughter, a closeness only they knew, insincere teasing and Dan playfully slapping Phil away when he tried to pull him into an even tighter hug. This time, however, it easily became so much more: Dan planting an affectionate, apologetic kiss to the corner of Phil's lips as they finally settled into one another, limbs tangling in the intimate embrace and the transition from friend to lover was so seamless it really was like they'd been doing this the whole time.

'Phil,' Dan whined in complaint as this was going on. 'You know I didn't mean it like that,' he pouted, earning another quick kiss from Phil, struggling to lean forward to reach now they'd sunk down into the deflated sofa, its shape morphed into something somewhat less firm from the years of abuse. It was comfortable. It was relaxed. It was their home and that had never felt like quite as perfect a description as it did now. Dan continued, shifting his weight slightly so he was able to extract one arm from underneath Phil where it had been pinned between the pillow and the older boy's body. He moved his hand up to Phil's cheek as he fell thoughtful again, letting his gaze skim down where his touch fell, following the movement.

'It's just…we've always been so close, and you know how oblivious I can be about things like this,' he spoke softly, fingers moving lightly down Phil's arm where it was resting across Dan's waist, the weight warm and comforting. Their fingers intertwined once Dan reached Phil's hand and he let that feeling of calmness overcome him, gently lowering his head onto Phil's chest where he could hear his heartbeat. 'But I know you're not. You must have known you'd have a chance with me if you tried, so why did you never ask?'

Phil sighed before he answered and when Dan stole a quick glance upwards he saw Phil's eyes had slipped shut against the soothing feel of Dan's thumb stroking across the back of his hand. He looked content though, so Dan could smile while he waited patiently for the answer that came eventually with another sigh.

'Well, I suppose, in a way, I kind of did.'

As happily as he could have otherwise rested in Phil's arms forever, at that statement Dan had to sit up a little straighter, extracting himself from Phil's clutch in order to face him properly, more confused now than he had been to start with. When it came to love Dan would be the first to admit to anyone that he was completely clueless, a fear now made relevant that he could explore at a later date, but he was sure he wasn't so far in the dark that Phil asking him something important enough as 'will you be my boyfriend?' was something that he'd have glazed over.

'Really?' he questioned with skeptically raised eyebrows. 'Cause I think I might have remembered that one, Phil. Come on, please, answer the question for real,' he begged, Phil grinning that one grin Dan had always loved with his tongue just peeking out the corner of his mouth. Dan wasn't sure how clear an answer he was really going to get from Phil as it seemed all he was in the mood for right now was teasing and maybe a bit more kissing judging by the way his gaze landed on Dan's lips. After a moment, however, the grin faded and Phil fell thoughtful, tilting his head back to rest it on the top of the sofa, looking up at the ceiling, seemingly becoming lost in his own little world.

Dan watched attentively, becoming lost too in every detail of Phil that he could only marvel at how he'd managed to miss before. Sat in front of him now, Phil was nothing but pure beauty and perfection to Dan and what they had with each other was to die for, that was for sure. Dan just had to patiently wait for his explanation now before he was truly free to enjoy it. Silence fell in their living room in the meantime, the only sound Dan could really focus on being the sound of his own heartbeat hammering away in his chest.

'Okay, listen. It's like this,' Phil began after what felt like an eternity, pulling himself up so he could glance at Dan before his gaze shifted, not nervously, but like his mind was transporting him to another place as he spoke. Dan sat up, listening avidly as per request, letting Phil take his hands once more when their fingers found each other in the limited space between them. 'I want you to close your eyes for me, Dan. You can, well, I think of it this way.' Again Dan did as Phil wanted, letting his eyes slide shut but not before he caught the quick glance Phil gave in his direction, the one that sent shivers across every inch of skin on his body. Then he listened, letting Phil's words wash over him and take him to the same place.

'You're standing at the top of a cliff. It's a warm, sunny day and you're feeling pretty good about life as it is, but from where you are you can look down and see a beautiful beach spread out below you, waiting. There's the water, glistening in the sun, so blue and clear and you can see people swimming, then there's the soft sand, so white you almost can't look at it, not without squinting. You really love the beach; it's everything you want and that's your only thought when you're standing so high up looking down. It feels like the only thing keeping you sane is knowing how close it is to you when all you can think about is how badly you want to be there, feeling the sun beating down to warm you gently all the way through, lying on the soft sand, feeling it all squidgy under your toes when you walk near the water's edge. Thinking about it, you can practically feel the gentle waves lapping at your feet. Everything the beach is, you really, really want it; you love the beach more than anything and from where you are there's two ways to get down there. Firstly, and most simply, there's jumping off the cliff, which will get you there the fastest, but obviously you're probably going to get hurt.'

As Phil had been speaking Dan gave himself over to his imagination, allowing Phil's soft words spoken only for him to paint a picture so realistic Dan could have sworn he was really feeling the heat of the sun on his skin until he realised it was just Phil's touch tracing the outline of the every exposed contour of his body that was keeping him warm instead. The lines between reality and the vision blurred somewhat, Phil's voice almost with a hypnotic quality. The warmness of Phil's embrace melded with the warmness of the sun, the feel of Phil's breath as it ghosted across Dan's cheek whenever he spoke blended with the ocean breeze. That was until Phil's last sentence, and the fact he broke up the idyllic image Dan had been conjuring in his mind with such a violently stupid idea so calmly Dan just couldn't ignore it even as Phil seemed ready to go on.

'Of course you are, Phil,' he snorted, eyes opening to laugh over at the understanding smile on Phil's face, wondering where exactly he'd been going with this whole speech anyway. 'You're jumping off a cliff for fuck's sake.' Phil was patient, waiting for Dan to stop laughing before he could continue but was watching him with a curious smile, a certain interest that shut Dan up again, taking his breath away once he noticed it. Smiling his own little apologetic smile, he settled back down next to Phil to listen, closing his eyes again to lose himself in Phil's words.

'Yeah, you're going to get hurt,' Phil murmured thoughtfully, tucking Dan's head in below his arm and tucking a soft lock of hair behind his ear in the soft pause. They fell relaxed again, the moment nice as their intimacy allowed the reality to sink in a little further for Dan. This was happening, really, really happening, he thought in disbelief, but he was going to let himself just enjoy it. He was going to listen to Phil for once when he told him he should.

'That's why you take the second option. There's a path off to your right that will lead you down to the beach and you can walk that instead. It's a very long, very slow path and it will take you down to the shore gradually, winding down the cliff face for miles and miles. It declines so slowly it feels like you're never going to get to the end, to the beach where you want to be, but along the way you still have all the beautiful views of the water and the sand and it's perfectly nice just to be on the path itself. There's a soft breeze blowing, bringing the smell of the sea right to you and it's warm and sunny and even though it's not exactly what you thought you wanted when you were up at the top, you realise it can be perfect in it's own way too. So you keep walking and walking and eventually after you've been walking for so long maybe you even forget why you're on the path to begin with. It just becomes something so familiar to you because it feels like you've been doing this your whole life. You're enjoying the walk itself so much you forget that every step is still taking you one step closer until eventually you happen to make it down onto the beach, stepping onto the sand suddenly and you only realise then that you've made it.'

When Dan finally opened his eyes Phil was closer than he'd anticipated, only a few inches as he'd drawn the two of them closer in the hug, those ocean eyes staring right back into Dan's own. He was almost shocked to come back to his senses and see they were still sat in their living room; Phil's beach seemed so real, so perfect, yet Dan was still clueless as to why Phil was telling him about it anyway. He chose instead to focus on the only thing he knew was more perfect, Phil himself, and the soft smile he was giving Dan now. Just a simple expression, but one so full of love while being so familiar it was hard to imagine just how Dan had never looked at the boy in front of him before and thought everything he was thinking now, because how beautiful Phil has always been was the only thought occupying his mind.

'You really want to go to the beach, Dan, so which one do you choose?'

Tearing himself away from thoughts of how much he wanted to kiss Phil -he'd have maybe, hopefully, the rest of his life for that- Dan forced himself to focus on the question instead, not that the answer was a difficult one to come by. 'The path, obviously,' he snorted, curious as to what Phil was getting at but he really did have a beautiful mind. 'Even I'm not stupid enough to hurl myself off a cliff just to get to a beach. No one would do that.'

'Exactly, and that's how we got here.'

Phil's smile was expectant now as he waited for Dan to get it but the younger boy was drawing a blank. He was probably just tired after the day's stressing and worrying and wondering and he should have known Phil wasn't really going to give him a simple answer, after all, there probably wasn't one. On top of that, Dan still couldn't wrap his head around the fact he'd kissed, properly kissed Phil Lester, something confusing and amazing in it's own right, let alone trying to comprehend the idea that Phil had been wanting it for however many years now. Most impressive, Dan thought, was how well Phil had hidden that secret desire because, from the looks of things, he'd been waiting quite a long time for Dan to catch up, which was probably the only reason he could sit patiently waiting just a few more moments for him now; practice.

'It's a metaphor, Dan,' he laughed eventually, realising the younger boy had no current plans to remove the bewildered expression from his face, so Phil would have to explain it out for him. He could do that though; after five years of keeping it to himself he was more than ready to share his love for the gentle boy in front of him with the world, with Dan himself. Now every time he looked over at Dan and that timeless thought crossed his mind, 'I love you', he wouldn't have to hesitate to say it out loud and he couldn't wait for Dan's smile to light up the room each time he did, like it was doing now as Phil teased him. 'Come on, you're meant to be good at these sorts of things.'

'The beach; that's us, that's where, well, it's where I've always wanted to be but the path is the reason I never told you when I realised. Telling you how I felt in the beginning would have been like throwing myself off the edge; I would have gotten hurt in the fall and I knew it wasn't like I could necessarily convince you to jump off with me. So from that I decided the path was the better option to explore how we both felt. I could guide you down gently and take it so slowly that if, at any point, you decided you didn't want to go to the beach you could have easily turned us around and we would have gone home, so to speak.'

Considering the subject matter, Dan believed Phil was doing an awfully good job of remaining calm talking about it. Dan could only imagine how badly he would have coped if their positions had been reversed, if it had been him desperately in love with Phil for years and years and each day was spent just hanging on to what he had in fear that everything could end just like that if he took things one single step too far down the path. He'd have been a mess, he was sure, so for once maybe it was for the best he'd remained so oblivious to his feelings for Phil until now because at least he'd stayed ignorant over what heartbreak could have come. He could have been sadder about that, however, stopping to think about if only this day had come sooner, but then he thought about everything they were already, the entire journey down the path that had led them to this moment and he knew Phil was right. They hadn't even realised how close they were getting to the beach until they were right there and the only thing that changed was the label they placed on what they already had, trading out a close, but platonic nonetheless, friendship in favour of an even closer, loving relationship.

'But you never did,' Phil finished with a wide smile that he looked so comfortable in Dan knew he'd never need more proof that just that to understand how deeply Phil loved him. It would be a feeling so strong he'd never be able to deny it, whether he felt it was something he deserved or not. He didn't think he'd ever seen Phil happier and of course, a smile of equal proportions began to spread across his own cheeks as a result.

'That's how we're here now,' Phil added, gesturing at the limited space between their bodies, legs still tangled as they held onto one another in a way they weren't sure they ever wanted to let go of. And Phil was leaning closer, pulling Dan in and letting their foreheads rest together, giving in to the desire to hold Dan as closely as he could. Closer now, he spoke softer, savoring the moment as Dan relaxed against him, floating into Phil's voice and letting it take away every worry he'd ever had. 'There doesn't always need to be some big, dramatic, sudden love confession to make feelings like this known, you know. Sometimes you can just let them build up as slowly as the path down to the beach and before you know it, you just sort of end up…wandering into something great.'

Years lost was time needed to be made up, so the last word ended up on Dan's lips once more and silence fell as the two boys melted into the second soft kiss. Only breaking away once there was a need for air, Dan took a deep breath which he sighed out happily, wondering if he had or would ever feel this comfortable with anyone other than Phil. He hoped not because Phil truly had transformed his world, even before today; there was just something about the way his mind worked that inspired Dan and challenged all his own views and he knew without Phil he'd be much less of a person. Certainly he'd be too terrified to ever confess how he felt and he'd definitely never confess he'd been wrong.

'I always thought realising you'd fallen in love was supposed to be…I don't know…bigger than this. I thought it would be more of a shock, but this, this just feels calm and comfortable and like…like everything's just exactly where it's supposed to be. I don't know how much has changed though, but it feels right, like it's always been there,' Dan murmured, thinking out loud but appreciating the reassuring smile Phil was giving him all the same. He paused, thinking a little more about how much everything Phil said made sense before splitting into a grin. 'I guess the beach never went anywhere, though, did it?'

Phil matched Dan's smile with his own, his happiness escaping him in the form of a soft laugh once it hit him again that he was really sat here about to finally embark on such an amazing journey with Dan. He wasn't sure he'd ever really be able to fully appreciate just how perfect it was that Dan loved him back, however, and he knew he'd have felt like that no matter when they'd gotten together. The chances of loving someone so deeply and having them love you back just the same were so small it could never not be something to marvel over.

'No, it's been there waiting for us all along,' Phil replied, trying and failing to comprehend how lucky he must be something so beautiful as their private little beach could exist anyway. He didn't know how many people got to experience something like this, but no matter how rare true love was, he'd always treasure it like it was the most precious thing in existence. In his existence Dan was, at least.

At a sudden thought Dan's smile had dropped, however, fading away despite the happy moment as he knew things this good, with so much positive energy, simply couldn't last. The beach was just in their imaginations after all, and it would disperse eventually and the happiness would slip through their fingers like trying to hold a cup of water in your palm. 'We can't stay here on the beach for too long, though, can we?' he voiced his fears, continuing the metaphor, simultaneously promising himself that if that were the case, he'd stop at nothing to cherish each and every moment he would be allowed with Phil. 'We'll get sunburnt or hungry or we'll have to go home when it gets dark. Even the beach can't be fun forever, can it?'

Dan's voice was trembling, fear of the good thing being taken away when he was only just working out how to discover it, but Phil was calm. Smiling sympathetically, he wrapped his hands around Dan's with a reassuring squeeze, shaking his head with a kind laugh when he saw how suddenly upset Dan was over the idea of them losing one another.

'Thankfully, that's where the metaphor ends. We can stay on this beach as long as we like,' Phil answered, clasping Dan's hand between his own fingers, interlocking them to hold hands in the space between them, the perfect space that felt as warm as the beach, their beach; Dan recognized that warmness filling him head to toe as love only now.

'I think I'd like to stay here forever, then. What about you?' He asked Phil softly, unable to resist the pull that dragged him closer, squeezing Phil's hands back as he came to rest in exactly his favourite place in the world. Foreheads pressed lightly together, nose skimming Phil's cheek and his lips so close Dan could practically taste them. He needed nothing more, just a promise the closeness could last.

'Forever sounds like a plan to me.' Phil agreed, sealing his promise with a kiss.