They taught us that there are no problems that cannot be solved. Until now I believed it was the truth.But here I am sitting late at night trying to fall asleep... And some thoughts come to my mind. Somebody could suggest that I just should go to psychoanalyst... But I just can't go there. So I opened my computer , made a safe file and write ...
I thought that when I just write I could feel better for I have nobody to really talk to. I never needed somebody like that until now.
For few days now I've got that terrible feeling that something is damned wrong. But I just don't know what. There are some memories of days I thought I've completely forgotten. There are some words which just make me think...
I wasn't taught to think ... I was taught to kill. The only one thing I really know is the DRILL... Following the ORDERS was all I wanted to do...It just doesn't leave the place for thinking. And I didn't want to think...

And yet, few days ago I got the order to exterminate someone... I almost protested.
But in fact it has started earlier. For last few years I've devoted my life for serving one person I thought was really serving the country. She was someone I admired , I was proud of...someone I truly loved. But she had changed. The higher place in politics she gained the more she changed. And when I finally helped her to get to the highest place she has just put me off.I understood that being who she was , she just couldn't spend the time with me like before but I felt that my reports should be given to her. Suddenly it came clear that she thought differently.
I had no longer been her guard. I was given orders from somebody else. But those were still orders I had to follow.

When I was told to keep an eye on Sara Tancredi I did that without asking.
Every time I had to change my personality I was like an actor playing the role. But this time it's different. I meet with her and smile to her. I do the shopping with her, eat with her, listen to her problems , fears...And every time I lie to her I just feel that there is something terribly wrong. Oh.. I do my job. Of course I do. I have been always following the orders. I always believed that what I do is for the greatest good - for the country. But what's good in fooling young , lost woman ? What is good in finally killing her because I am almost sure that it will be ordered.

Last night we have been sitting in her flat and having a supper I made for us. She thinks I am a homosexual that's why she trusts me. We were sitting there and laughing from something I even don't remember and in one moment I almost told her who I really am. I shook me so hard that I had to leave. She thought she said something wrong, that it was because she is a woman and she had touched me. She is right in some strange way. It was because she is a woman. A first woman for a long time talking just about simple things with me. First woman for a long time I made a supper for. A woman who reveals her secrets to me. And I am going to betray her.

I didn't mean to hurt her. I really wished she just have told me what she knew and I... But she was fighting me back. And for that I admire her more. I was ordered to kill her and I could do it different way but... I couldn't watch her dying. I tortured her ... and I left her drawn... I had to follow orders even if it was just killing me. But she was strong. She had escaped and even I was really mad at her for nobody had escaped me before I felt proud for her.

When I left her in a bathtub I turned the TV on loud. I didn't want anyone , even ( or probably especially) me to hear it.I sat on the bed and all the good moments with her had passed before my eyes. Her smile , her tears... her touch...If I just could turn the time and tell her everything about me than. But the order is the order. Another death shouldn't make a difference... but it did. I suddenly felt like it was one death to much...

Of course I will find her and kill her. I will. I will kill the only person that laughed with me . I was trained for that. I was taught not to feel . Orders are the orders and no one can question them.

I was forgotten so easily... And now I was ordered something I know is wrong. Something they want me to do and after what they will erase me . I know the drill. But I don't trust them any more. I won't follow their orders. Not the way they think I will. She ruined my life and I will ruin hers. I am able to do it. I know everything about her. I will do what I have to do to exterminate her . To erase her from my live as I erased her from my heart.
I know what I should do. I will help the last people I would help just few days ago. We have the same goal now. Get the bitch.

They don't trust me... I wouldn't trust me either. I am the one who ruined their lives. The one who killed their beloved. Put them in jail. And here I am with a gun in one hand and a plan . But I want to help them . Sometimes deep inside I hope that she will call. She knows my number. That she'll call and tell me that it was just mistake and she wants me back. But in reality I know that even if she calls it will be just a trap.
Sara wants me death. I understand. And I know I will have to kill her for to safe my life. She tried to kill me and she almost succeeded. Funny for someone like me to be killed by a woman knowing nothing about killing.

They almost got me... For a little moment I really thought that it was her.I n the moment of desperation I wanted to trust her. I really wanted. But than it started to be to bright. Than I realized it was a trap. Now there is no way back. There never was. I was just hoping...

They don't need to be afraid that I will betray them. The only thing I really want now is to help them because it will help me. I will gain my revenge by them and I will watch her going down with a smile on my face.

"She must have hurt you much"... Linc has the way of thinking and saying things that make s everything so straight. "She must have hurt you much"... Of course she did. Nobody had hurt me so damned bad. That's not that I proposed to her and she just said no. She had given me hope, she gad even promised some things ... and after a little while she just erased me from her life , from my life... She made me a ghost ... Last years were erased from all documents. My name was erased... After all those things I have done for her...

I must have been blind for not seeing all the crap that was going on.

And for the first time since long Linc made me think of my sister. The person I left behind. The person who really truly loved me all those years. If I live ... I will come to see her.