Presenting the revised version of my first fanfic ever, Birthday Fortunes, formerly titled Artemis Fowl and the Fortune Cookies of Doom! ^^
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Artemis Fowl. Also, no offense towards people who manufacture or love fortune cookies. I have nothing against fortune cookies, but I do think they taste like cardboard, not that I have ever eaten cardboard, but they taste like how I imagine cardboard taste like. Are you confused yet? Good, now you can't sue me!
Chapter 1: The Fortune Cookies
Artemis Fowl glared at the bag of fortune cookies on the table. Who in the name of all the greatest Mud Men to ever walk the earth would be deluded enough to believe that a bag of fortune cookies would make a suitable birthday present for a boy genius?
He really hoped that Holly wasn't the sender of the foul gift as she would most likely murder him for not adoring it.
He knew for certain that it was not from Butler, Juliet, or his parents. Butler had given him a popular teen love novel, Twilight. Artemis couldn't believe that Butler actually expected him to read that type of mind-numbing material. Not that he would EVER say that out loud. There were 101 ways that Butler could kill him using only his hands, or, at least, allow Holly to make his life miserable.
Juliet had given him a video game called Golden Sun. The game actually appeared to be slightly intriguing. He might actually try playing it. No, scratch that, he would only play the game when he was sure that neither of the Butlers were nowhere in sight
Artemis's parents, for some unexplainable reason, had given him a dozen CDs by different Pakistani singers. Artemis was now positive that his parents were losing their sense of reason; their worldwide tour was certainly downplaying their thinking capacity. How could they honestly believe that he would listen to music by someone called Haroon? He could not even understand Urdu or Punjabi! Unfortunately, his parents knew that he could become fluent in both languages in less than 24 hours, if he really wished to, so he really had no excuse not to listen to the CDs.
Foaly would not be sending Artemis a birthday present. Most likely, he was sore about the puppy incident. Artemis still claimed that he had no idea that Foaly was terrified of puppies. Unsurprisingly, no one believed Artemis. Oh well, it didn't really matter since Artemis had known about the centaur's irrational fear when he sent that virus.
Butler couldn't help but smile at Artemis's suspicious glare towards the perfectly innocent bag of fortune cookies.
"Artemis, just open the bag and eat one already," he said, highly amused and unable to stop smiling.
"But Butler, fortune cookies are foretellers of doom!" Artemis replied in a serious tone, not once looking away from the bag.
Butler choked and nearly fell down. He stared at his young charge in shock. Had the strain of being a genius finally caused Artemis's mind to snap?
"Artemis," Butler said, in a kindly tone. "How in the world did you reason that out?"
"Simple really." Artemis replied, unaware that Butler feared for his mind. "The 'fortunes' are the only reason people buy these cookies. I mean who would buy these cookies just to eat them, they taste like cardboard." He shuddered in disgust. "And the fortunes are never valid or even reasonable. But many weak-minded fools believe these 'words of wisdom' and try to force their fortunes to come true, ending up in an unfortunate situation."
Before Butler could think of something to counter that illogical reasoning, Juliet practically broke down the door charging into the room.
"Hey Arty, Dom, guess what?!" she squealed, jumping up and down.
"I have no time to engage in such immature guessing games, Juliet." Artemis replied, still eyeing the bag warily.
Butler looked at the teens in despair. Juliet was jumping up and down, squealing as if she had just learned that her all time favorite wrestlers were coming to town. Artemis was still behaving as if the fortune cookies were conspiring to kill him. Butler shook his head sadly. His two best friends had lost their minds.
"I give up Juliet," he said in the same tone he had used on Artemis. "What is it?"
"Oh, you won't believe it, Dom!" Juliet was practically delirious with happiness. "Ohhhh…I BAKED a cake!"
Artemis and Butler simultaneously turned their heads toward Juliet; their mouths fell open in astonishment.
"A cake…" Artemis said in disbelief, his vast store of vocabulary temporarily deserting him. "You're that happy just because you baked a cake?"
"Yeah, isn't that just awesome!" Juliet sighed happily, oblivious to the fact that Artemis and Butler thought that she had lost her mid.
Butler was seriously worried now. Was there some type of disease going around that only affected teens?
"Juliet, exactly why is that such a good thing?" Butler asked his sister.
Juliet snapped out of her happy bubble. She turned and looked at her older brother in disbelief.
"Dom, I actually was able to bake a cake without burning down Fowl Manor, destroying the kitchen, or being interrupted by a crazy fairy or assassin that wants to kill Artemis!" she said in the dame tone as someone would say 'Duh'. "Also, it's Arty's birthday, so that just makes my achievement even greater!"
"Don't call me Arty," was Artemis's only response as he turned back towards the evil fortune cookies.
"Man, Arty, it's your birthday! Can't you –What's up with that bag? Are those fortune cookies?" Juliet was practically jumping up and down again. "Ohhh! Artemis, open one!"
"Shh!" Butler shushed his sister, glancing quickly at Artemis who was still locked in a one-way staring contest. "Artemis thinks the cookies are evil."
"What!" Juliet exclaimed. "Artemis is afraid of fortune cookies!"
Artemis abruptly broke the staring contest and turned to give Juliet his best vampire glare. "I am NOT afraid."
"Prove it." She goaded him, delighted to have something over Artemis. "Crack a cookie, eat it, and read the fortune."
The room was silent as everyone stared at the boy genius.
"Fine."
Artemis reached out towards the bag of fortune cookies.
So, what do you think? Thanks!