Title: A Good Clean Shave
Author: Brage
Fandom: House M.D.
Pairing: H/W—strong friendship but can be seen as pre-slash with the right goggles on
Category: humor, very strong friendship
Rating: R
Word count: About 2,000
Warning: Gratuitous use of the F-bomb, nudity
Spoilers: The entire first scene is written word-for-word from "Love Hurts" from season 1. I know this is a very House/Cameron episode but I deleted all that crap. I am and always will be a House/Wilson shipper. She's actually not even in this fic.
Summary: "I would be remiss in my duties as your best pal if I let you go out on a date sporting psychotic poodle pubes."
A Good Clean Shave
"So she's really coming back?" Wilson sat on House's left side, perched on an exam table. He grabbed a pretzel from a bag House offered.
"Who's coming back?" the man Wilson had never seen before asked.
"You don't know her." House clarified.
"You give her a raise?" Wilson refused to let it go. "Increase her benefits?"
House remained focused on the small portable television situated on the instrument table in exam room two. He finally rolled his eyes at Wilson's rant. "Don't have Tivo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up."
"You lower her hours?" The mystery guy sitting on House's right side asked as he ate another pretzel, mostly paying attention to the game on the television.
"You don't even know her."
"Who is this guy?" Wilson finally asked.
"He's a patient." House answered.
"He's examining me." The stranger clarified.
"He's gotta go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. I guess I do too."
Not even surprised or inspired to lecture House on his wasteful use of clinic time, Wilson simply went back to his previous train of thought. "It's gotta be something. She didn't come back because she likes you
Wilson and the patient exchanged knowing glances with each other from either side of House. They both looked at House who was conspicuously not reacting to the last statement made.
Wilson jumped off of the exam table, blocking the view of the television. "Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you."
The patient giggled. "You dog. You slept with her."
"Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check."
Wilson looked at him expectantly, nearly exploding with anticipation.
"I've agreed to take her on one date."
"What!" Wilson was giddy with excitement.
The patient giggled again, House hung his head in embarrassment. "You in to this girl?"
Wilson answered before House got a chance. "Yes!"
"No!" House was emphatic. "She's not giving me any choice."
Wilson shook his head.
The patient was visibly excited. "Wait! She's making you do her?"
"Date her!" House insisted.
"Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff older mentor. Her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart." Wilson grinned.
Excited patient guy bonded with his new buddies over this information as dudes will do over any conversation related to bagging the babe. He wrapped an arm around House in an atta-boy half embrace. "Do her…" He nodded his head as though it was a must. "…or your gay."
Wilson looked at the ceiling in contemplation of that revelation.
House rolled his eyes, grabbed his television and headed out the door. "Oh, for God sakes." He opened the door and turned around as the other two began singing.
"…sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g …"
"Oh grow up. And learn to harmonize."
The ducklings were running tests on their latest patient when Wilson entered House's office. House rolled his eyes clearly in no mood to deal with Wilson's giddiness.
"So when's the big date?" Wilson put his hands in his pockets and sat down in one of the chairs in front of House's desk.
"Tomorrow night."
Wilson nodded. "You nervous?"
"Of course not. Don't be an idiot. She's a little girl. I can take her."
"She is pretty young."
"Yeah … I know, Wilson. Too young. I get it."
"I didn't say she was too young. I said she's young."
"So, what's your point?"
"Young people move … faster and … have different grooming habits." Wilson blundered.
"Versus my generation who sips tea on the porch for the first six months of dating?"
Wilson held up his hands in surrender. "I'm just saying … you don't want to be caught unaware. I know you wouldn't handle surprise well around her. Surprise means you didn't know which means vulnerability. Not sure you could recover from that in your lifetime."
House looked at Wilson with squinted eyes. "Go on."
"Look good. Go with the sky blue shirt. It makes your eyes pop. Shave, but don't shave too much. I think she likes the scruff and it's pretty 'in' these days. Hair product …"
House visibly winced.
"I know you don't agree but your hair tends to curl when it's this length, so a little product to calm it down is good. Not too much … or you'll look Persian." Wilson motioned with his hands as fast as he was talking. "Have you thought about … shaving?"
"You just told me to shave, but don't shave."
"I'm not talking about your face."
House raised an eyebrow in question but then bought a clue quickly. "Shave … seriously, Wilson!" He moved to stand, shaking his head. "That's ridiculous!"
"It's not ridiculous. Pubic hair is mostly shaved off these days."
"How do you know?"
"-" Wilson looked sheepish.
"Right. Doctor Pantypeeler. Do you shave?"
"Yes."
"Liar."
"You want me to show you?" Wilson reached for his belt.
"No! No, I'm good."
"Seriously. It shows you're considerate. That you're clean."
"What in the hell do you think is gonna happen on the first date? She's not gonna blow me for God sake."
Wilson tilted his head. "Are you sure? She's attractive, healthy young female with …an appetite, I'm sure. You telling me if she offered you'd refuse?"
House squeezed his eyes shut. "Fuck."
"Resign yourself to it. It isn't a big deal." Wilson stood and went to leave. "I'm excited for you, House. I think this could be a good thing."
House slumped into his chair even more miserable than before. 'Great!'
Wilson didn't bother knocking before he let himself into House's apartment. He had a newspaper and the other half of his sandwich from lunch. Truthfully, he was just as nervous about House's date as House was. Moral support was the main reason he showed up, but if he could lend some advice or laugh mockingly, that would be good too.
House was just stepping out of the shower when he sat down on the sofa to unwrap his sandwich.
"Awesome advice you had, by the way. Note to self, never listen to Wilson about changing my grooming habits." House was obviously pissed off and clutching the towel around his waist.
"Why, what happened?" Wilson looked at House in obvious concern mixed with curiosity.
"My penis looks like a poodle having a bad hair day."
Despite his best efforts, Wilson couldn't stop the laugh he was trying desperately to hold in.
"That's helpful."
"Wait. What happened? Let me see." He stood coming closer to his friend.
"I couldn't keep my leg propped up long enough to … get the job done."
"So sit down and do it."
"I tried. Same problem."
"How many Vicodin did you take?"
"Just one. If I take another, the purpose of shaving will be moot anyway." He stalked back down the hall. "Hair gel and shaving … Do I look like a fucking Back Street Boy?"
"Just the fact that you think the Backstreet Boys still exist proves otherwise."
"Whoever! I'm not doing this. This is stupid. I shouldn't be doing this in the first damn place."
"Just wait, wait, wait … let me see. I'll fix it." Wilson suppressed his grin. No way House would listen if there was a hint of mockery.
"You're not shaving my balls, Wilson. No fucking way."
"Why not? I've seen your dick before, House." He motioned toward the bed. "It's fine. Lay down, get comfy and I'll finish up. I'll be very clinical, I swear."
House eyed him skeptically. He couldn't even believe he was mildly entertaining the idea.
"I would be remiss in my duties as your best pal if I let you go out on a date sporting psychotic poodle pubes."
House rolled his eyes. "Fuck." He moved to the edge of the bed. "Just so you know, I'm not doing this again."
"I know." Wilson went into the bathroom to grab the shaving supplies.
"Actually, I'm never listening to you again about anything." He clarified.
"I know." Wilson grabbed a hand towel and wet it down with warm water. "Drag that stool over to the edge of the bed."
"What for?"
"Better angle if you lay cross ways and let your legs hang off the side of the bed. I can get to you better."
"Well, that's my dream." House did as he was instructed and lay on his back crossways on the bed with his feet propped up on the step stool. The stool also did wonders to support his aching leg.
Wilson returned with an electric shaver, a warm cloth and a couple extra razors and shaving cream as well.
"Holy mother of God, what in the hell are you going to do with all of that?"
"I have the feeling this isn't going to be a 'light' job. The first time is the hardest." Setting his supplies down on the bed, Wilson grabbed the towel and pushed it aside as though he were pushing aside a patient gown ready to do an exam.
House put his hands up, plunked his head back onto the mattress and closed his eyes, resigned. He winced when he heard the click of the electric shaver Wilson pulling his skin taut in order to get the best shave.
The electric shaver clipped the hair short. House looked down. "There that's good. At least it's all even and doesn't look hacked up."
"Trust me, you do not want me to leave it like this." He carefully wiped the hair off of House's skin, letting it fall away onto the towel.
"What? Why?"
"Because it will poke you and make you itch all night."
"No. Wilson when it grows back, it will be this length at some point."
"I know. That will suck for you pretty bad too."
"Wilson! Dammit. You're such an idiot."
"If you keep shaving it, you won't have to worry about it."
"Oh, fuck off."
Wilson slathered on the creamy foam and began applying close, even strokes. The hair around the penis wasn't difficult to remove and was easy to get to. Shaving his balls, however had proved problematic.
"Stop, stop, stop …" House turned onto his side slightly pulling the towel back over himself. He breathed heavily, hoping to get himself under control.
"House, I know you're going to react, but if you don't let me do this, you're never going to be ready on time.
"Just hang on. Fuck." He breathed a few more times and rolled back over. "Just hurry up, would ya."
Wilson grabbed House's cock and pulled up, attempting to keep the skin as taut as possible. He shaved the area between his cock and balls while he listened to House recite the table of elements quietly. He moved lower, scraping the razor along the way and cleaning the blade frequently. He scraped just where thigh met the perineum and gave that a good shave on both sides. House began to close his legs once more, grabbing for the towel.
Wilson kept a firm grip on House's cock not letting go despite his friend's silent plea. He insinuated himself more fully between House's legs blocking him from moving them together. "House, I know you're getting hard. I have eyes. It's not me … it's the friction. It's normal. Keep breathing. I'm almost done."
"Fuck. Wilson … I swear …" House pushed the heels of his hands into both eyes and concentrated on breathing deeply.
Wilson was taking his job very seriously. The erectile function issue was starting to abate slightly and he had reached an impasse. He needed to get to the area behind his balls a bit better but didn't have the right angle. Equipment ready, he grabbed House's left leg behind the knee and pulled upward.
"Oh, you're fucking kidding me!"
"There's just this spot …" Wilson began to explain.
"Fuck that. We're done." House pulled at the towel and disentangled himself from Wilson and then from the bed. "I'm taking another shower." He announced and closed the door. Wilson heard the distinctive snick of the lock being turned.
Wilson wondered vaguely if House would ask him to do his maintenance shaves as well.