Fate
When I first met you, you reached out to shake my hand. When I got to know you, you reached out to understand my mind. When I liked you, you reached out and touched my heart.
Chapter 1
It was a calm evening at the Scouting Corps HQ. Even though the weather was considerably cold and hostile, the evening sky seemed warm and soft as round, cotton-like clouds flew silently only God knew where. Such a view indeed did create an illusion of a calm and happy lifestyle. Yet how wrong it was...
Suddenly there could be heard sonorous, quick footsteps reaching the kitchen. Footsteps of a silver haired middle height male with darker eyebrows and light amber eyes. It was Jean. He had been nervous and grumpy ever since he joined this damn military branch even though he didn't regret it. It's just that... That. He felt uneasy and out of place. A faint sweat drop could be seen, slowly flowing down his right cheek as his amber eyes narrowed, fixed on the ground.
When he finally reached the kitchen , he saw a black haired head in the end of it. Jean looked surprised as he slowed down his pace while entering the room, thinking that he would be all alone at such a time. But then a sudden thought hit the silver colored male. "Corporal Levi?.."
The evening started to kick in slowly and everyone finished their tasks, also the sudden mission which was being led by the commander was a bit hard for Levi and his squad, but otherwise the short corporal was relieved when Ervin told them to retreat and go back to the Recon Corps HQ. After all, the new recruits just joined a few weeks ago and every squad member had to take responsiblity for them. But.. he was busy looking after Eren, so he didn't really have time to deal with the others.
It was just like a few years ago when he first joined, soon taken in under Ervin's command. Not that he was going to complain, but Levi always thougt about the fact that it might have been a bit too rushed. The commander always told him that it's fine and all, after all the short male was one of the strongest fighters among the Recon Corps. Way too strong that they gave him an own squad to lead. Again, not that he was going to complain.
He was now standing in the kitchen, making some tea as he heard some footsteps reaching the kitchen and Levi could feel himself freezing up, but he slid off that feeling, because it already was a hard day. When he heard his name, he slowly turned around, facing Jean. Cocking an eyebrow, he slowly crossed his arms over his chest. "Jean, right?"
Of all the people, to meet the cold Captain in such a common place really shook Jean as he stopped at the entrance, his eyebrows shooting up from the sudden surprise. Frankly, he found this situation pretty ridiculous as he never actually got a chance to have a conversation, or even see the short male closer than 10 meters. All he knew regarding Captain Levi that he was assigned to watch over Eren with all his newly found so called titan powers and other unpleasant things. Yet here he was, standing in front of him, with his eyes wide open and his jaw dropped. After a few embarrassing moments, he shook his head, finally understanding how stupid he must've looked. "Yes, I'm Jean, C-captain." The taller male answered, clenching both of his hands into firm fists, tightly fixed to his sides. Just when he wanted to cool off and find a peaceful place to collect his vague, scattered thoughts.. What the hell was he suppose to do now?
Even so, Jean managed to clear his throat and after a few deep breaths, loosen up enough, to at least continue to walk towards the chair he planned on sitting and brooding for a while. "Excuse me, I just didn't expect to find you here, Captain." Though just after sitting, a thought shot into his silver haired head, making him unsure if continuing with his little quest and still going into the kitchen was a good idea.
"Huh.. yeah, just making sure." He slowly turned the stove off, while taking the pot with the tea in it and started to pour it in the cups on the table in front of him. After that, he put the pot back on the stove, raising a hand to run his fingers through his raven hair, sighing a bit. Watching after Eren was a lot harder than he'd imagined and now Jean was standing here, looking like an idiot while standing here, mouth open and just stuttering. This was exactly the reason why he hated such conversations or even keeping them up. He never had any contact to the new recruits, which are now fully members of the Recon Corps, but honestly, he really didn't care about that anymore. All he wanted to do was to take off every single Titan alive, in this business it was not going about love or friendships, so that's mostly why he had to be neutral.
"Hm? Why not? I like being in the kitchen, making some tea and thinking about stuff." He leaned against the corner, hands propped up while he leaned his head on them, looking at Jean. Taking his Cup, he sips a bit before putting it down gently on the table. Yeah, he really hated keeping up conversations, but he also hated being alone.
Well, having a hobby to make tea and think for oneself is quite the common hobby, but hearing such words from the Captain was still strange. Yet something in the short male's speech made Jean frown his eyebrows and listen closer as that something also seemed somewhat familiar to the amber eyes mad. So familiar, that it almost made him sympathize with the person standing in front of him, silently sipping tea and keeping an unreadable facial expression. Jean thought for a bit as he sat more comfortably, leaning on the chair, cocking his neck back a little and folding both of his amrs on his chest, staring at the blank dark brown ceiling of this room. Just what was it that made him relax so suddenly? Seeing the Corporal in such a humanly action? No, that wasn't it. It was something to do with their personalities. "When I was little, I used to sit in the kitchen all day long because of my mother's cooking. She loved it so much that she simply couldn't stop doing it. There was this warm place just in front of the fireplace and I would sit there for hours, doing nothing but eating something that was just baked and drinking herbal tea." Jean spoke with a tone of bitterness in his voice, remembering how ignorant he was to the outer world and it's problems. Hell, he didn't even care what was happening next door as long as he was safe in his home, from all the trouble. And where was he now? Sitting on some chair in the Scouting Corps HQ, the most dangerous military branch and telling a stupid story from his past to a peculiar Captain, that seemed to have little interest in chit chats.
Levi didn't really mind the other male talking about his past, in fact it was something he wanted to do as well. But even so, he could or could not stop himself from doing so. His memories are quite hazy, fiddled all together and merged into a random thought. The short corporal just came here for the Titans, but he could feel himself getting even more relaxed. Still sipping his tea, the ravenette slowly slid the other cup over the table, directly into Jean's direction. As he watched the other male speak, his eyebrow cocked as well, he sipped once more before putting the porcelan cup down again. Oh, fuck this. Levi actually could talk about his past if he wanted to, but then again, it was Jean who was in front of him.
"When I was little, I first learned how to cook tea, then coffee, then my mother always would tell me some stories about her past and how useful she was in fighting and such. However, when I grew up, I became a thug in the underworld and when I lost both my parents, I could feel nothing but.. how do you say it, disapproval." Levi sighed a bit, while raising himself up a bit, showing any sign of a small smile as he put the already empty cup on the kitchen corner and slowly turned around again, looking at the silver-haired male. "I'm not always cold, you know. I actually have a big heart, but I'm afraid of showing it. I might be short, but I'm strong. And the Recon Corps.. this is my life. My Family. This is where I belong now." Still having his normal, bored expression all over his face, he once leaned against the table, leaning his head onto his hands.
Jean expected to be given a cold and straight answer, but as the Corporal sent him a cup of just made tea and started talking about himself quite bluntly, a sudden faint grin appeared on the younger male's lips. Of course, he wasn't stupid enough to keep that expression for long as he quickly took the cup and brought it to his lips, now slowly taking a sip of it. It was good. Very much alike to the tea he had mentioned in his own story earlier.
Hearing the short man talk, made the somewhat awkward atmosphere loosen up. Even though he still wore the same face with a mix of boredom and numbness, it seems as though he was enjoying this unusual talk they were having. Or maybe the kitchen itself was making them both interact so familiarly. Either way, with each word that came from Captain Levi's lips, made Jean feel more and more interested in the man's life. "Captain Levi the thug, huh.. Must've been quite some period in your life, right?" Jean began to speak plainly with his now calm amber eyes fixed to the Corporal's dark one's. "Though I'm sure you had your reasons too. I just have one question, how did you end up being here, in the Scouting Corps in such a high ranked position?" the younger one asked interested, not even realizing how straightforward he was. He never really did before too.
Levi half-smiled when he finished talking, nodding at Jean's words. While he was here in the Recon Corps, talking to a recruit who obviously was on more or less bad terms with Eren - yeah, the corporal did know about their little encounter and the fights they often had, he'd always listen to Eren bragging about the tall male and as if it was obvious, he'd given him a cold answer and shouting at him to do his work properly. Not that he cared about the brown-haired male anyway.
"Yeah.. I really liked the thug life, but then again, I got bored and wanted more." Levi once let out a deep sigh, shifting his eyes to Jean's face. He really did get bored from his thug life, but it wasn't like he was going to complain about it right now. The shorter male slowly raised his head, standing up properly, hands on the table. While he listened to Jean's question, he'd never thought that they would actually talk, heck, Levi never really thought about anything else but to talk. He isn't good at expressing his feelings in just mere words, but instead of letting the other male wait, he gave a straight answer, "This is a long, sad story. You sure you want to hear it?"
As the Corporal answered at Jean's question with a question, it somewhat made him chuckle silently. Usually he would simply piss off people by being the straightforward bastard that he was, but not this particular male in front of him. It seemed as though he was even amused bu this little unusual talk. Hence, the sliver haired male placed his right hand on the table, resting his head on it and still sipping the given tea. Just that now he was normally facing the shorter male. Before noticing, he started imaginating Captain Levi as a thug with a ragged outfit, cursing and speaking like a thug. It must've indeed been an interesting part of his life. Hah, compared to jean himself, he's but a baby who had just learned how to walk.
Jean narrowed his eyes and gave a firm nod to the Corporal as he let him understand that he will listen to what story he has to tell. He was the one who asked, it was onvious that he wanted an answer. His amber hues slowly glanced back at the other male. "You should take a seat, Captai, from the sound of your tone I suspect that this is going to be one hell of a story."
"I agree." He slowly slid on the chair in front on the table, while facing Jean emotionless, but then again, he always had the same face on, whether he's feeling differently or just happy with all overflowing feelings or other crap. As soon as he sat down, he took a deep breath, sliding his hands on the table as he crossed his legs. "When I was a thug back then, the commander eventually found me and right after, he invited me over to his office in the Headquarters. I was a short, cursing brat back then and you obviously can imagine it, but it was just out of fear and my head spun from all those things he told me. After that, we trained for like 2 weeks and when I was on this mission, with him and the other members of the Recon Corps, me, Ervin and Hanji watched every single one of them die. It was cruel and it honestly wasn't really.. great, to be blunt.. But the commander knew that he was right in taking me in, thus placing me right under him. I mean, being a corporal isn't a high ranked position, but apparently I'm good enough that they gave me an own squad. I don't care about how high ranked I am, but I could say I've gotten stronger."
Levi paused a bit, noticing that his voice was rather raspy, so he huffed a bit and continued talking. "I care a lot about my squad and since Eren is a part of it, I obviously care about him too. But that doesn't mean I don't care about other people as well. The real me is surprisingly short and brash, but again, I've got a big heart. And I'm not afraid of admitting it." Soon after he finished talking, there was a deep silence and both of them only could hear the noises from outside, nothing more and nothing less.
Jean cleared his throat and sat up straight as the Corporal began to speak. The bluntness of his speech surprised the younger one quite a bit, but then again, who was he to speak about being blunt and straightforward? Jean was probably the best when it came to that. So good, that hearing another person speak in a similar fashion surprised him. Yet in the same way, he got to understand Levi more and more as he spoke.
When he mentioned the horrid massacre of his members that one time, Jean felt a familiar pain in his voice as a faint image of his deceased friend appeared in his mind. A friend with whom he had trained and shared feelings with. A friend that died silently, without anyone being by his side. Alone, forgotten and found in a terrible state after.
Images started to change and Jean clenched the cup he was holding, so hard that if he had tried harder, he probably would've broken it. Finally he managed to look back at the Captain as he finished speaking. And after and awkward silence, Jean's hand flew to the back of his head and scratched it. "It's a shitty world we live in, geez..." He began, tapping his fingers to the table. "Sitting in a warm place with both of your parents shouting at you for not cleaning up your room one moment, and the other, watching a giant titan looking at you with eyes of a maniac."
"Trust me, it's a lot shittier right now." He said, his voice more clear now, even if it was raspy back then, but again he'd just shout every day at some of Eren's mistakes or doing other things, but mostly it was him shouting and that really killed his voice. He didn't know how it it to lose someone except his parents, but that was centuries ago. He was now in his thirties and heck, if he even had a chance to meet up with them again, he'd probably take it, saying that they should feel proud because of him joining the Recon Corps, but then again, they would be pleased otherwise with what he was doing.
"You know, I've killed a lot of Titans, but they all have such.. interesting faces. It's fun looking at them. Heh.. I'm starting to sound like Hanji." He gently shook his head as if he were to think about a mere thought, but it just was himself being fading away, while other thoughts were slipping in his mind.
"When I watched my ex-comrades die, I just stood there, frozen in place and.. I regret it now. I could have saved them, but here am I, being scared shitless about a bunch of damn Titans.." Levi never really doubted himself from doing such actions, but he'd rather stay where he was now than to die. It was like a safety, a mask to save him from all the pain his comrades had to go through. "You know Eren, right?"
Another painful throb appeared in Jean's chest as Levi mentioned how he had watched his fellow members die. An unwanted memory flew by his amberish eyes as it showed the time when they discovered Eren's ability to become a titan. The time when he used his comrades to get to that damn building and refill everyones gas. Shouts and terrified screams leading him on his way, scenes that can only be found in mad man's movie. Yet all of that bullshit was real and for some unthinkable reason, people still followed him.. 'Damnit, Marco, what the hell were you thinking when you said that I would make a good leader.. I'm nothing but a coward who wants to lead a simple and comfortable life in the walls' he thought to himself.
The second Levi mentioned Eren's name, Jean looked up with his eyes now clear and bright. "Oh hell yeah, i do." He answered with a mocking grin on his face as he once again sipped the tea, that was now cool. Ah yes, that idiot. For some reason, this male made Jean feel things he did not want to feel. Think of things he did not want to think. The damn rivalry with Eren is probably the very main reason why he is sitting on this old chair in the place where the biggest suicides are. Yet despite everything, regret was the only thing he didn't feel. Being in this hell whole with these weirdos made him feel more alive than he ever did. 'I guess that makes me one of them, huh?'
It was just like he knew. He knew it all along. Eren did mention him a lot before and back then, the corporal didn't care, but now this exact same male was sitting in front of him, while sipping the tea he just handed him. It literally made him smile inside, seeing how greatly Jean accepted the tea, but then again, it probably was out of civility. Needtheless, he had to say that talking with the silver-haired male was a lot easier than he'd imagined. He came across a lot, his previous life, his life now and the struggle between being nice or being cold, but it was just part of his life. Not that he cared, again. Levi never cared. About things, that is, but he cared about people. A lot of them, to be blunt.
"He talks a lot about you, this brat." His eyes soon sparkled up, as the ravenette looked at the taller male once again while he replayed the scenario in the military court over and over in his head. He beated up Eren just to drag him onto the side of the Recon Corps and when he was safely in his cell, he only acted cold and harsh, forcing him to speak up but what really threw him off was his request. That Eren actually wanted to join the Recon Corps. Again, he's not going to complain. Eren was a really confusing boy, yet he always made his tasks right and he didn't complain when Levi kicked him into his ribs, shouting at him for every one of his mistakes. He could kick him senseless, Eren still wouldn't mind. "I'm not really on good terms with Eren, but he's a strong, yet utterly confusing boy. You even could say that I care little for him. I already know about your rivalry. How the heck did it turn out like this.."
"Oh he should the damn idiot, knowing how-" and that was it. A sudden blush invaded Jean's face as he realizes why exactly he hated Eren so much and wanted to beat him in anything he could. It was because of the girl he saw once and fell for the same second. The young male's head swung down and he sighed deeply. He was the idiot being so damn jealous all the time. As he practically started growing mushrooms in the corner, he laughed from himself taking another sip of the tea with a crooked movement of his hand. He simply can't help himself when it comes to Mikasa! She's an amazing girl with extraordinary abilities, yet she still clings to Eren and acts all I'm-going-to-kill-you-if-you-harm-Eren. But as time passed and as Jean experienced great loses himself, he began to understand why Mikasa was like that. Why the whole three of them stick together like one fist. And frankly, Jean acted like a stupid ignorant child which made him dislike himself. And precisely these very same thoughts led him to this place.
The male sighed and leaned back, running his free hand through his hair and placing itself on his neck. Was that girl really the sole reason why he and Eren acted like that around each other? Or was it because Eren was the exact other side of Jean, thinking completely different and questioning his existence? Or was it because that idiot made Jean change both in mind and heart?
A wry smile placed itself on the lips of the silver haired male as he looked back at Levi. "He's an idiot. A real idiot. That's why." He said roughly yet with a faint soft tone.
Levi didn't know anything about love, per se, but looking at Jean's expressions and movements, he clearly knew what's going on. He fell in love once and he hoped he could forget that because being in love was so difficult for him, yet he clearly knew it how it was to be in love. And he really regretted it to tell this Girl about his feelings, what he felt, just everything. And she turned him down, more or less, but just to run back to him and even so, Levi didn't want to hear her apologizing to him. Even so, it was a much different feeling from what he felt back then.
His head rested on his hand, he kept looking at Jean, while a thought after the another shot immediately into his mind. He really couldn't help it, but thinking was just so.. hard for him. Not like he is going to burst out in tears.
"He might be an idiot, but I see him more than a normal person." He spoke up, calm enough without noticing that his voice was trembling slightly, but he swallowed the feeling down and just stared on the table. "Do you know how it feels to be in love, Jean?"
Jean couldn't help but notice a strange shadow pass by the Captain's face as he looked at Jean's little self-drama at that moment. Such a glum yet painfully known expression. Could it be that this soldier, this mature man who has killed more titans in probably the history of mankind, actually went through the same crap Jean himself was going through now? He blinked a few times as his right dark gray eyebrow rose. But he decided not to ask about that topic. Well at least at the moment.
"I wouldn't 'call it being in love', sir. I would call 'being in an unwanted and unrequired love'." He spoke heavily with his eyes fixed onto the surface of the remaining tea as he change the position of his legs as one of them was starting to feel numb. Jean reached out one hand ant started massaging his leg slowly in order to make the blood flow into it faster. "And if speaking of Eren, he's probably the most normal person that we've ever known. He has something within him that we all lack and seek to gain. Not that crazy wish to exterminate all the titans though. I'm not THAT insane." Jean spoke completely open, without any childish expression as though he was a teacher telling an obvious thing. He did think like that even though it was hard to admit it. Yet speaking like that with Levi didn't make him feel embarrassed nore awkward for some reason. Maybe because through this conversation they found some similarities?
"Though I would appreciate if you wouldn't tell Eren what I just said..." the amber eyed male faintly pouted while requesting what he did.
"Mhm.." He once nodded to his words, while listening in silence as he thought about how hard love can be. Tapping his fingers on the wooden table, he still listened to the other male and it soon made sense. Levi felt comfortable around Jean as the both of them sat here in the kitchen, talking about things he'd never talked about before, not in his 30-year life. He was bad at holding conversations up and he was even more bad at leading them. But as he watched this scenario with him and the silver-haired male, it soon came to his mind on how openly he could talk with the male.
"Yeah.. I know what you mean. I was in love before." He continued his tapping on the desk with his long, slender fingers as he shifted himself in a comfortable Position and the corporal could already feel that his back was getting numb from time to time, but he ignored it. No way was he going to leave now. If he stood up now, it was no turning back. And he really would stop himself to make such a fuss about every single of his silent conversations. "Yeah, I would agree with you, but then again.. It is Eren. He's not an average boy. I've seen him once in his Titan form and I must say I was impressed. And come to think of it, Hanji does all the research on Titans, so that is really not my place to pry." He slowly tilted his head to one side, then to the another while he switched positions with his leg, while he could feel the blood rushed in, making him feel even more numb than before. The ravenette could sense some similarities between him and Jean and he could feel that the other is thinking the same thing which made him happy.
"Of course not. I'm not on friendly terms with Eren, you know." He chuckled a bit as Jean was pouting slightly, locking his eyes on his amber eyes.
As the short black haired male mentioned how he was familiar with unlucky love affairs, Jean quickly glanced at his darker ones, analyzing his facial expression, even though it was as hard to read as for a blind person. Maybe this was just a normal, mutual feeling that he felt all way along?