A/N: You guys seen the promo picture and the trailer for Series 7? That is what this story is based upon. Of course, we don't know what the episode is about, so really, it was just some inspiration. The idea behind the story is that, somehow, Amy dies while helping kill the Daleks. Not really a shred of happiness in the whole story. Hehe, sorry… not really. I had too much fun with this.
Was it Worth It
What's the alternative? Me standing over your grave? Over your broken body...?
"A-amy," he sputters, rushing to her side as she lies motionless on the floor. The Daleks are gone, wiped out, the entire lot of them. Amy, Amy, Amy. He told her not to – he told her that her body wouldn't be able to absorb the shock of the explosion – but god forbid Amy would ever listen to anything he said.
It's his fault – he gave her the idea (the fact that it was indirectly does nothing to lessen his pain) – he brought her here – he told her to travel with him – he was the one who walked into that little Scottish girl's house and demanded fish custard.
He hears his voice crack. "Please." He has his hand on her heart, her single, human, so-very-destructible heart that he has damaged more than enough over the years. He pressed his head against her chest and listens to the utter silence that follows. He waits, he listens, nothing.
He breathes heavily, feeling the innate anger boil up inside of him, his face twisting with rage. "No, this isn't happening! This wasn't supposed to happen!" he screams to now empty room. Because if there's one thing the Doctor hates, it's when things don't go his way. He is outstandingly clever and although he often runs into problems, he is able to get himself out of almost any situation. And when he can't, that's when he loses it.
Because he knows – he knows – that there is no going back from this moment. It is set in stone – their entire confrontation with the Daleks is. It wasn't supposed to ever happen, but now that is has, it has become a fixed event, never capable of being reversed.
He knows now how Amy must have felt seeing him die at Lake Silencio, and wonders how he could have possibly kept her in the dark about it for so long. It literally feels like everything he has ever been sure of is slipping away from him the longer he stares at her lifeless form. Amy Pond is – was the consistent in his life. No matter how he wronged her, she was always there, always waiting, always forgiving. The only person in the universe whom the Doctor could always rely on.
And he…he couldn't even give her that. He had left her so many times – abandoned her, mistreated her…ruined her. Her whole life wasted and now gone, all because of him.
If any one of them needed to die today, he deserved it, a million times over. It was the cruelest torture of all that he was not able to join those died because of him. The Doctor wishes he were human, because he has lived too long, experiencing far more sorrow than anyone should have to endure in a lifetime. But this, this is the worst of all, because this is just proof of what he does to the people he cares about most.
"Oh, Amelia…" he mutters, tears clouding in his eyes. He is on the floor, leaning over her, barely able to support himself. For she will always be Amelia to him, the girl with the name from a fairytale with so much potential that was all snatched away from her when he came into her life. "Was it worth it?" he asks weakly. He wants desperately to know the answer, and thinks of what she said the last time he asked her.
"Shut up, of course it was."
He smiles a bit, not because he's remembering, but because she is wrong. He is a believer that every life is made of a pile of good things and bad things, and in the case of Amy Pond, the good things definitely were not enough to outweigh the bad. He is acutely aware of everything that he did to her, and all the adventures in the galaxy cannot cancel it out.
When he realized the extent of his actions, after what happened at the hotel, he tried to end it – he did, but it was already too late. Amy Pond and the Doctor needed each other like oxygen, and though he held out as long as he could, he came crawling back, desperate for her, and there she was, her faith not shaken even a bit, glad to be able to save him once more.
But not like this. She didn't need to save him like this.
"I am…so sorry, Amy," he says, pressing his lips to her forehead. He sobs openly, and though the Daleks are gone, he does not feel safe, not one bit – because he actually does not know how he is going to survive without the option of returning back to Amy whenever he needs her.
He should have left her when she was still breathing. Never invited her to travel with him at all. This happens every time – every single time – and he should have never allowed himself to get involved with Amy Pond. Even if he didn't know her, she would still be alive, and that would be enough.
(Perhaps the worst part is that the Doctor knows he doesn't really mean this – he is way too selfish to wish he never met her at all, and that makes him hate himself even more.)
He musters up some strength and scoops her body up in her arms, thinking about how this can't be her – because he has always thought of her as so invincible – and begins walking.
His future looks grim, but he knows what he is going to do right now. He will get his revenge. That much his absolutely certain. And after that? He will never allow himself to get close to another person again. He does not want a replacement, not this time. There is no one else who he cares about like he cared for Amy, and he will make sure that never will be.