This had to be a practical joke.

The letter was addressed to Stefan. While Damon wasn't entirely against rifling through his brother's mail, this piece in particular surely warranted some further investigation. Especially since said brother wouldn't be home for another few months.

He frowned down at his doorstep.

It smiled right back up at him.

"It" being the small, pudgy, drooling fleshbag strapped into a car seat. Without taking his eyes off the child, he pulled his phone from his pocked and dialled.

"Hey Bon?" he knelt down so the two of them were eye level, "I'm going to need your help with something."

Stefan,

We've never met but we have a few mutual acquaintances. Everyone I've come across has spoken very highly of you and I could think of no one better suited to help.

I came across this child 20 years ago, handed to me much in the same way I am handing her to you. I know little of her origins, her true age or how she turned but she has proven to be a fine companion over the years. I'm going to be frank – as much as I've enjoyed being the caretaker of a perpetual 7 month old, I'm done. It's someone else's turn.

I'm confident you will succeed in finding her a suitable home.

P.S. I was told her name is Mary

P.P.S. Be careful – she bites.

"I'm speechless," Bonnie said after reading the note aloud. Damon poured himself another class of bourbon and shrugged. "And you haven't heard a thing from Stefan?"

He shook his head. "Radio silence from Ken and Barbie on their dream honeymoon," he said, sauntering over to the baby, still in her car seat, happily gurgling on the couch.

"So now you're stuck with a vampire baby," she said, shaking her own head in disbelief.

"No, now we're stuck with a vampire baby," Damon corrected her. "That's why you're here, I know you used to babysit the twins for Ric, I thought you could deal with this," he gestured to Mary.

"One," Bonnie pointed out, "I babysat one of the twins while the other had a doctor's appointment and Caroline wasn't around."

Mary started to fidget and squawk unhappily in her seat. Damon eyed her uncomfortably. "Fix it," he said.

Bonnie was a nurturing soul. She thought kids were cute, she had more than a few younger cousins, and didn't they just say the darnedest things, but there was a huge gap in her experience in the whole baby department.

"Should we take her out?" she asked and approached the car seat hesitantly. Damon nodded and stood behind her as she bent down to undo the clasps, as if her body could shield him from the tiny vampire. Bonnie held Mary upright and cradled her against her shoulder, bouncy gently. "There, that's not so bad," she said, exchanging looks with Damon who looked mildly impressed.

Mary cooed and gurgled. "I don't know what I was so- OUCH!" she said, tugging the baby away from her shoulder and the fresh wound Mary's single tooth created to feed. "She bit me!" Bonne held her away from her body.

Damon smirked. "The note did warn you," he said. His grin disappeared after the baby was thrust into his arms. He held here slightly away from him, eyeing her up and down. "What do I do with this?"

The baby's face crumpled as she began to cry. Bonnie winced. "Maybe she's hungry?" she suggested.

"Grab one of the blood bags from the freezer," Damon said loudly over the noise. He made it a point over the years to avoid the small humans entirely for precisely this reason.

Bonnie returned a few minutes later with one of the twins' old bottles left there from their visits with Caroline filled with blood. "How do I-" Damon said as they awkwardly tried to maneuver the baby in his arms to feed her. Bonnie put the bottle in the child's mouth and they both breathed a sigh of relief as she began to suckle. Their victory was short lived when Mary pushed the bottle away and cried louder.

Damon took the bottle from her and tried to force it back in, but the baby pushed it away persistently. He looked up at Bonnie desperately. "How do we make it stop?"

"Maybe it has to be warmed up?" she suggested, vaguely remembering how Caroline used to prepare bottles for Josie and Liz.

The pair took off into the kitchen, screaming child in tow, and Damon tossed the bottle into the microwave triumphantly.

"Wait," Bonnie said before he could start it. "Is it safe?"

"What?"

"Is it safe to microwave the blood?" Bonnie asked. Damon furrowed his brows and stared at the appliance.

"Who cares," he finally said.

Bonnie raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not giving a baby radioactive blood."

Damon rolled his eyes. "Fine. You take her and I'll get the kettle," he held the wailing child out for her.

"No way I'm letting that thing eat me again," Bonnie shook her head. Damon gestured in exasperation to where they kept the kettle and she promptly mimicked how Caroline would get bottles ready for the girls – pouring the hot water in a bowl with the bottle and waiting a couple (agonizing) minutes.

"Caroline checks the temperature on her wrist," Damon suggested, swaying the baby back and forth in a failed attempt to quiet her. Bonnie tapped the plastic nipple against her skin. The liquid was warm, but didn't burn so she walked up to Mary, fitfully cradled in Damon's arms and offered the bottle one more time.

Mary took it hesitantly, and after a moment happily drank her bottle of blood. Damon watched as Bonnie fed the baby in his arms. She smiled down at the new addition to the Salvatore household, relief and silence sweeping the room.

For now, the pair and Mary held an uneasy truce.