Yui Yuigahama is a good girl.
Friendly, cheerful, energetic, always has a smile on her face. Her mind might not be her finer point, but her heart is always in the right place. So long as she can be less conscious about what others thought of her, she's all set, really.
Forgive me to think that she was almost like a saint in my mind, and yeah, on one degree or another, that's what I thought about her.
Which is why I also found her almost sickening.
The way she smiles at me. The way she affectionately calls me with the nickname she came up with. The way she tries to support and comfort me when I was in a pinch. It all sickens me to no end.
Because it gave me slightest bit of hope, even though I know that it was just kindness.
What she does toward me, she does the same toward others. Sure, she might have "special" feeling when she does it toward me, but I know all too well the consequence of trying to read between the lines, and it always bites me back.
Even if I was right this time, I'll deny it. I'll deny and deny until the slightest bit of idea that the both of us might "happen" completely buried six feet under. Partly because it's safe,
And partly because I'm rotten, like the fish eye that I possess.
If, however, my denial lose and I decided to return her feelings, another question pops into my mind.
Do I wanted to be with her because I like her? Or did I just like her kindness?
See, I used to say about how kindness is a lie, but it's also an addicting lie. One that you want more of because it made you feel good about yourself, even though it's going to last you throughout your entire life.
Is it fair for me to be with her for my own self esteem? Is it right to use her that way like a crutch despite she might be willing to be like that way for me?
No. Not for a girl like Yui Yuigahama.
Either way, my romantic fantasies are just as wrong as I expected.