Still Ritsu…
Disclaimer: I do not own Sekai ichi hatsukoi
"Sometimes… I wish everything was just… still…"
Ritsu held one tiny cherry blossom on his hand and twirled it in the air, all the while looking at the sky.
He often wished that all his days were like this, lying in the meadows, looking at the clear blue sky, with no worries…
Just a silent, tranquil life…
He was a content man as far as he's concerned. He's happy with his life, it wasn't pretty or most fulfilling, but he was content. Sometimes, being still can be good…
But he had a share of good stills and bad stills…
He grew up in a loving environment, people around him respected him and adored him, people around him appreciated him, his family loved him to the core, and stayed with him till the bitter end…
And yet...
Deep down, he was a soldier who had been through a lot of internal, emotional wars. He didn't have any physical scars nor evidence of injury, but he had suffered and burnt and carried many emotional scars and verbal abuse, the worst kind, all of which he took upon himself to heal, it wasn't easy, but he managed to do it… somehow…
But some feelings remained… still…
Such as love…
Love is a double edged sword, it can be the most beautiful angel of emotions, yet the ugliest bitch of a debonair, and he got the latter.
It was his first, he gave his all, body and soul, endured everything just to conquer his first love's heart, he took it upon himself, he admits he wasn't the best lover, but his feelings were truly genuine and real.
Back then… he wished that time will stand still…. That time shouldn't move… a common wish for the people who are truly happy and fulfilled.
But even after all that, he still failed to have his heart… to have the heart of the person he desired the most.
After all the tears, after all the drinks, he made a resolve, that he will make himself better, stronger, and a man who will make sure that his goals will be met, the love he had for the upper class man may have damaged him, but it opened his eyes to the truth… to the world he never knew…
The cruel world of pain and reality…
His world is in shambles, he didn't know what to do at first, he was a kid who was wrecked emotionally, and he did the first thing he can think of to escape such pain.
And that is holing himself up…
Darkness seemed to be his friend at that time, he felt at ease, not knowing, seeing, hearing or feeling good anything numbed the pain.
It was a temporary refuge, but it did made his love struck and depressed mind find its inner peace, he started to look for solutions, and Ritsu realized that in order for him to lessen his pain, he needs sometime alone… he needed to be someplace else, something that will never remind him of his painful experience…
And that's where he decided to go.
Leave… run away…
He did just that, upon the suggestion of his cousin to make use of the many languages that he studied, he went abroad.
He decided to leave the dark, stillness of his life, he studied, made friends, dated women, and went to others countries…
And yet… his heart is still still… never moved nor pushed no matter how many lips and hugs he experienced… it was just stationary… stubbornly clinging to the love that he had lost…and the love that he knew… will never be his again…
First love truly sucks…
In all those years he decided to move on, one step at a time, slowly breaking the glass wall that encages fiery personality that he knew he possessed, to break the glass that made him feel small, and introverted. He made up his mind not to focus on love, and that is to be a realist, he formed goals and factual ambitions, he worked hard, sparing his feelings a fraction of a glance. He studied, graduated top of his class, finished courses, breaking a relationship if it wasn't beneficial to him, read, learned, and become a fine gentleman that can allure people and make them at ease with them, and charming them to get what he wants. Silent attacks and sneaky tactics have been beneficial to him. And most of his relatives started to compare him to his father, silent, unpredictable, and undeniably brilliant.
After many failed relationships, he decided to give up.
Like any other Onodera, he grew up to be practical, most of his family were formal and emotional sensitivity isn't something that runs in their veins, most of his family do things out of duty and obligation, and sacrifices must be made for the sake of the clan.
Despite that, his family understood the word devotion and commitment, and tried to work things out before doing something drastic, most of his clan members followed the guideline, it may not be the best and happy solution, but it saved many relationships.
Those, however didn't shook his resolve.
After years of dating and realizing the stillness of being in the same drastic loop of failed relationships, he decided to give up, give up and focus on ambition and dreams alone, not only did it help him excel, it made him forget the stillness of feelings that he so badly wished to eliminate. He was successful though, and slowly, the frigid state of his heart started to dance gracefully, and the pale feelings of his emotions started to burst in colours. He wasn't sheltered and stuck up in the crystal anymore, he is free…
In order to focus on his goals, he focused on healing his emotional scars first… if not healing it, at least close it properly.
He vowed to himself that he will never to fall in love again, but that didn't mean he wasn't open to having a family, he wanted to have a child or children, preferably a girl, or a girl and a boy. Being a single father isn't an idea that he disliked, it actually is an interesting notion.
He had his life planned after he came back abroad, achieve his own goals, be successful, then be the CEO of the company, then, he will have his own adopted or surrogated children living with him happily, and he vowed that his family will be his first priority, and that he will shower them with nothing but happiness.
Still…
Fate can be a bitch as well, putting things back to the stillness that he tried to eradicate really made him hate the universe.
It was a stroke of worst luck, that when he resigned from his position to prove himself he found himself in the shoujo manga department and meeting the man who introduced him to the stillness of love. A fact that he truly hated.
All of his dreams… all of his goals, and all of his plans where thrown back into that same stillness again, this time ever though it wasn't him chasing the dream, it was him, Takano Masamune, or Saga was now doing the reaching and kept on pestering him to admit his forgotten love and revive it again.
The man seemed to be content with the stillness that's going on between them, they kiss, they fuck, they hug, and they sometimes ask and worry about each other, and slowly, he's starting to feel the same stillness in his heart that was apparent during his teenage years…
Stillness of unreachable love and dreams…
But nothing was moving on, isn't it? They are together, and they go home and see each other's faces all the time, but together with their reunion comes stagnation, unmoving, stubbornly fighting the Stillness that starting to crept back in his personality again.
The green eyed beauty reached a hand to the sky, opened his palm, releasing the cherry blossom on purpose and felt it drop gently on his chest.
And now… he found himself living in stillness again.
It wasn't just his boss' fault, it was partially his as well, he kept himself getting carried away, and Takano san relished his weakness in stride, but he never gave an answer after his pursuits, he didn't and wouldn't admit anything, he won't…
How could he? When love is not in his vocabulary anymore?
Love is a useless notion, artificial, making people stupid and making people weak.
And he wasn't the same stupid teenager back then, he was a man whose mind is preoccupied with many things, such as responsibilities, bills, options, and other practical things, unlike his boss who only had himself to worry about, he has dreams, he has goals… he wanted a life…
He wasn't interested in any relationships anymore, but his ex lover kept on forcing him to drink all his love, willing to make amends to rekindle their love.
Ritsu isn't exactly engaging, if he were to be honest, he preferred that his boss just leave him alone and let him live in peace, he was willing to do that but the bastard just can't seem to understand his reasons for his nonchalance in admitting his love.
That didn't stop the man on forcing him though and he kept on using his authority over Ritsu for some reason.
He has Yokozawa, who is more loving, caring and was the one that moved him out of his slump. They even slept a few times, so why the heck didn't he stay with him? The brunette is just fine being the newbie and rookie of the group, and he's fine with that, but no, the dark haired man kept on pursuing him with unrelenting courage, forcing Ritsu to succumb back slowly to the glass room that he worked so hard to break to move on.
He was stuttering again, starting to live in another else's shadow, and feeling small and intimidated because he wasn't the best enough, Takano was starting to put him back in his crystal casket once more, he gritted his teeth once he came to that bitter realization again, and he hated it. He truly wanted to move on and regain his dreams. If being an editor will mean seeing him, he should've just followed his other dreams, he loved sketching designs, he finished architecture, he finished business management, he can be a banker or travel the world by becoming a landscape architect or restoring old mansions in Greece or building another great resort somewhere in Dubai…
But he couldn't, now that Masamune Takano knew who he truly is, and now that he has the financial means to follow him to the ends of the earth, he finds himself growling at the idea.
Fuck him.
Why can't he just release him in his life? He can have anyone, he can get married and have a family for all he cared, yet he forcefully planted himself in Ritsu's life again with no intention of letting go. Goodness, that man has a tight grip on him, he kept Ritsu's presence and kept him on hold as tight as he could.
And making him still… making him stay...
And because of that, he's starting to love the stillness that he abandoned all those years…
I hate you…
Ritsu uttered as he closed his palm in the air…
I hate that you keep me still…
I hate that you are keeping me in prison by watching me and chaining me to you all the time…
He lowered his eyelids…
I hate you for keeping me by your side, never giving me the chance to grow…
Ritsu closed his eyes.
I hate that you're still madly in love with me… no matter how I push you away and hurt you unconsciously…
And most of all…
He opened his eyes as tears started to flow on his cheeks.
I hate that even after all the hate and anger that I felt towards you…
I'm still madly and irrevocably in love with you…
Thank you for reading!
Just some Ritsu angst just came from nowhere….
Have a good day!