Free! doesn't belong to me. Neither does High Speed!
This fic was written for SouKisu Week, for the promtps Injury and Post-Canon.
The anesthetic's after-effect
.
Kisumi clutches the tasteless sandwich he's bought at the cafeteria, staring at it as he walks towards the room, because even though it doesn't look like any kind of healthy food it's a little bit better than the dull white the whole hospital is covered in.
It's fine, he tells himself for the fifth time. The surgery wasn't very dangerous to begin with, not a life-or-death situation; but there's a sort of finality in that decision that is only starting to sink in now, and even though it doesn't directly concern Kisumi he can't help but worry, want to look back at the door loudly slammed shut behind them. And the voices that grow louder with each step that gets Kisumi closer to the room don't sound like they'll bring anything good.
Kisumi wants to stop it, the way he has managed to stop that particular conversation many times by now; but he's finally understanding that it has to happen, sooner or later. His dislike towards arguments won't change the fact that sometimes it's the only way to keep moving forward.
So he's the one who stops just before reaching the door, not wanting to be seen, not realising he's holding his sandwich closer to his chest. And it's not only because he's tired of postponing something that has to happen, he realises; it also has to do with the fist squeezing his heart while he walked in circles and waited for Sousuke to come out of the operating room, with the realisation making his eyes itch whenever he tries not to think about it and the warmth flooding his chest spreads through his limbs because it wants to be acknowledged.
It's scary, but when Rin raises his voice inside the room Kisumi finds himself more worried about that.
"You should start taking into account other people's opinions before making plans," Sousuke grumbles.
"Huh? But it'll be healed in a few months, and then–"
"I told you I'm not interested in that anymore!"
Kisumi can almost hear Rin's sharp inhale in the middle of the silence. He imagines his friend's brain cells connecting the way he's been refusing to for the last years, and waits for the temperamental child he's seen several times since he met him to take over.
"You can't just stop being interested."
Move.
Kisumi can't ignore the instinctive desire to stop the incoming argument; he wants to walk into the room, to do something to at least soften all the painful words he can see coming, but he is unable to move. No matter how hard he tries to convince his legs to advance; his feet keep rooted to the tiled floor, ears sharpening even though something dark and painful claws at his heart with each word filtering through the open door.
"…don't get why you're so convinced–"
"Me? It's you the one who doesn't want to listen!"
Move.
Inside the room, Sousuke replies with a humourless laugh.
"The world doesn't end just because you hurt your shoulder; and now you're–"
"Rin," and Kisumi looks down, because he's learnt by now to tell when Sousuke has lost his patience and he knows too well that moment was before the surgery, "I quit swimming when I finished high school."
Move!
But Kisumi's body won't obey him.
"You've just told yourself that because it's easier than trying."
This time, there's almost no silence. This time Kisumi has to force himself to keep still, despite not wanting to know what comes next.
"'Easier', you say? I can't!" Sousuke snaps, raising his voice. "Having the will isn't everything! This isn't some stupid mental block you can get over with the power of friendship– It'll just get worse and I'm not getting my hopes up again for nothing."
"So you'd rather not even try? Then–"
"Rin." Haruka's voice is so quiet Kisumi barely hears it, but holds a tense warning.
"–you're a coward."
Kisumi briefly forgets how to breathe. He can't quite process what he's just heard, despite having understood each and every word.
"Leave."
Congratulations, you let it happen.
"What?"
"Leave," Sousuke repeats, and for a moment Kisumi hears all the doubts and fears he usually tries to keep for himself, "if that's what you came here for. You must be busy with your training."
Kisumi fears he'll drown in the heavy silence that follows Sousuke's words. He can't even feel anger yet; he's still trying to accept those words as part of the same reality he belongs to.
Then Rin storms out of the room and walks away in long strides, too angry to even notice him. Haruka walks out a second later, his expression between exasperated and apologetic. He gives Kisumi a curt nod before going after Rin, although at his own pace.
Kisumi waits for a whole minute, steeling himself before entering the room.
He finds Sousuke almost in the same position he was when Kisumi left: sitting up on the bed with his back leaning on a pile of pillows, his right arm in a sling, the usual frown carving a deeper valley than it did before between his eyebrows. It takes him a moment before he raises his head and acknowledges Kisumi's presence, though.
He forces a smile on his face and Kisumi fears his lips will fall off.
"Don't do that," he scolds, walking towards the bed. "It's scary."
"Weren't you saying yesterday you'd leave me if I didn't smile more often?"
"Not like that," Kisumi replies, flickering Sousuke in the forehead as he sits on the feet of the bed. He doesn't want to talk about Rin, about what he's said. Not yet. The last thing Sousuke needs to think about right now is probably the repercussions of his shoulder surgery, which Rin has successfully brought up.
Hell, Kisumi doesn't think the effects of the anesthetic have even completely worn off yet. This isn't fair.
Fortunately oblivious to his boyfriend's thoughts, Sousuke glances at the sandwich, then looks away.
"I'm hungry."
It's such an unrelated complaint it makes Kisumi giggle.
"You can't eat yet?" Sousuke tries to shrug, only to stop midway and grimace as his shoulders return to their original position. Kisumi stands up again, bouncing on his toes as he tries not to laugh. "Wait, I'll ask a nurse if–"
But Sousuke's good arm reaches out surprisingly fast, grabbing Kisumi's wrist before he has the chance to step away from the bed.
"Don't," he mutters, and Kisumi can tell he's mildly embarrassed even though he looks aside, his warm grip tightening around his forearm. "I can wait."
Kisumi sits on the side of the bed, gently prying Sousuke's fingers off him and taking his hand. The sandwich is forgotten, laying on the sheets, as well as the hunger, even though Kisumi hasn't eaten anything today yet.
"You heard us," Sousuke finally says, gently squeezing Kisumi's fingers.
Kisumi nods, reluctantly. It's not like he can deny it.
He wonders for the fifth time since he's walked back into the room if letting Sousuke and Rin argue was actually the best choice.
"It's just a matter of time before he accepts it," he offers, clinging to that idea.
Sousuke shakes his head.
"But it's not true," he sputters, and there's a pleading edge within his voice, as if he tried to justify himself. "I want to– Of course I want to keep swimming. I've– You've been here. I've tried." He leans forward, and before he realises it Kisumi is hugging him with his free arm, careful not to touch his shoulder.
"I know," he replies, burying his nose in Sousuke's hair.
Of course he knows; he's seen Sousuke's attempts to start swimming again after graduating high school, been with him every time he's had to stop. Kisumi knows better than anyone, because he's the one who kisses Sousuke's shoulder when it hurts so much he curls up in the sofa and communicates by grunts and holds him in the nights the pain doesn't allow him to sleep.
But Rin doesn't, Kisumi realises. Rin has spent the last two years living in Australia, travelling and swimming around the world with Haruka. He never gives up and expects everyone to do the same, and despite Kisumi knows his friend has no ill intent he can't help a jab of resentment because he doesn't understand.
"It's like talking to a wall," Sousuke adds. At this point he has practically buried his face in Kisumi's neck. "And he– The way he talks makes me think that I didn't try hard enough…"
"That's not true." Even Kisumi is surprised by his own dry reply. Sousuke draws back, eyebrows raised. "And Rin wouldn't think that." He knows that bit is true, even though he has yet to forgive Rin for his big mouth. "And you're not injuring your shoulder further; if your arm ends up falling off I'll break up with you."
Sousuke can't help the bark of laughter that leaves his mouth. The sound tugs at the corners of Kisumi's lips, turning them upwards in a smile.
"That's unfair. You lack a brain and I'm still here."
Kisumi looks down; his hand and Sousuke's are still intertwined. Judging by Sousuke's bitten nails, lately he's been more nervous than he let on.
"Just… Don't overthink it," Kisumi finally mutters. "Even if you can't swim anymore, you'll be great at whatever you choose to do."
Despite it not being what you really want.
Kisumi shakes his head lightly. He can't afford being more pessimistic than Sousuke.
He almost jumps when Sousuke lands a kiss on his nose, but soon he's more concerned about his boyfriend's unusual eagerness to cuddle when he burrows his face in Kisumi's shoulder. Maybe it's the anesthetic's after-effect.
"Weren't you hungry?" he asks after some minutes in a comfortable silence. Sousuke shakes his head. "This has to be the most romantic gesture you've ever had with me."
There's no answer, and Kisumi doesn't need it. He lets Sousuke cling to him all he needs to, and hopes it helps him stop thinking about Rin's angry words until they make up.
The warm embrace helps Kisumi gather his courage to finally put a name to what has been running in circles within his mind for weeks, too.
I think I really love you, he thinks, and he hugs Sousuke tighter when he realises that truth is less terrifying that way.