Author's Notes:
Yo. Okay, I am about to attempt something very different. Brace yourselves…*drum roll*…I am about to write…a Riku x Sora fic. Yay for me! *clears throat* Well, I bet a lot of you aren't going to like this, and I bet a lot of you are, so, if you are not interested in yaoi, then don't read, 'kay? My other fiction, which is my main project, Fatal Attraction, is not yaoi. It is straight, with Riku/Kairi and Sora/Kairi, so, this is quite the change. But me, well, I always like change. Thus, I have decided to write this story. It probably won't be too long, because I am not going to force that many conflicts into it, like I did with Fatal Attraction, and the plot is going to be a lot simpler. Don't expect this to be anything extraordinary, either, because I am not familiar with these types of things. I'll do my best, probably not going to be putting a lot of…erm…how should I say this…lemons(I think that's the word, lol) in this, because I am highly unfamiliar with any such thing. But, I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless. And Fatal Attraction fans, I DID NOT QUIT THAT STORY. Yes, I admit it is becoming a little slow in the progress, but that's because I'm afraid I've run myself over with too many problems and I still need some time to work them all out. I like that story, I really do, so by all means, I intend on finishing it. I do tend to have a problem with that, though. Up to this day I have never finished a fan fiction. But I will, and if I don't, then you can all kill me. A slow, torturous, brutal death…lol, just kidding, but you get the point, ne? I promise I won't leave it hanging. This is just something new, to experiment with, probably, and I won't abandon the other one. You have my word. Okay, let's get this started…
Disclaimer's Notes:
I do not own any Kingdom Hearts characters, settings, plot elements, songs, ideas, whatever… All I own is this fic. ^_^
Side Notes:
Again, if you do not enjoy yaoi, then don't read. If you are one of my fans from Fatal Attraction, and you are against boy x boy pairings, then please just ignore this. I wouldn't want it to change the way you view my other story…not that it should, I hope…
Alrighty, then. Here we go.
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Beyond Essence: Prologue
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Riku
Three days ago…I was brought back to the outside world. Three days ago I'd been saved…rescued…from my two years' prison: Kingdom Hearts. And ever since it's been Hell.
I can't eat. I can't sleep. Time has become meaningless to me, effortlessly slipping through my grips on life and reality. I let it slide, slip, flee…anything. But the funny thing about time is…that…well, it never really ceases to end. It's just…always there. Always there, hiding within the darkest depths of the shadows, ready to lash out and strike you when you are least expecting it…to remind you that you're still here. Still here, even if there is absolutely no one to notice. Such a thing as time can lock you up, freeze you, bound your body to imprisoning chains, and still…still make you keep on going…keep on growing up. It's…inevitable. There's just nothing you can do, is there?
I used to think that I had time for anything…everything. And anything and everything had time for me. I was foolish, stubborn, inconsiderate…arrogant, even, always thinking that the world had to revolve around me, to fit my needs, to do what I wanted… In my head…in my demented, naïve, twisted mind…Riku always had to come first. Always, no matter what. There was no place for anyone else's importance…not on my list… Riku…constantly number one…my own well being as my top priority…
Yeah, and look at where that got me.
See what happens to stupid little boys who are too wrapped up in themselves to notice the rest of the world around them? Do you see?
I do.
When we were kids, (Sora, Kairi, me, and the rest on the island), I'd always wanted to get away…to be free…to see the outside worlds… Back then, I didn't know what I was doing. Constantly I would dream about getting off of the Destiny Islands, afterwards enchanting my two best friends with these wild ideas that I had about distant places… One day the three of us decided to build a raft. You know, get us out of there, maybe. And when we finally had our opportunity, our once in a lifetime chance, I wasn't about to hesitate. I jumped head first into the darkness, and I ended up spiraling downwards into a crash landing with reality. I'd just done the worst thing possible. I'd committed the ultimate sin. By joining evil, I'd put Sora and Kairi in danger…I'd threatened there lives, and was so close to having them killed…
Yet I was determined to prove it wrong. I pushed that idea aside, somewhere far back into the corner of my clouded mind, which was confused and sedated at the time, and over and over again I would tell myself that by finding Sora, by restoring Kairi's heart, I would be righted for the wrongs that I'd done. And I'd believed it, too. I'd believed it because there was nothing else I could do.
By this time, a dark witch named Maleficent had taken me in. She promised me that by teaming up with her, by joining her ranks in the evil hierarchy, I would get Kairi back, at least. That was a start. If I had Kairi, her and I could look for Sora together, right? We'd find him, we'd go home, and everything would be okay…back to the way it should be…
Wrong. That'd been when I started to hear him. It was subtle at first, just a slight nagging in the back of my head. Then it became worse, more frequent… I'd get these…headaches…whenever he started to talk to me. These terrible migraines…every night…day after day, week after week. Maleficent had started to hint at the idea that Sora had abandoned us, meaning Kairi and I… He'd found new friends, the dog and the duck that I'd seen he'd been traveling with back when we'd met in Traverse Town. I was hurt. I was angry. Why, Sora, would you do that to us? Why?
Had I not been so stupid as to realize that the witch was a liar, then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of control.
My love for my 'once' best friend was turning into hatred. My love for my other best friend was…slowly…becoming jealously. Sora wanted Kairi. Kairi wanted Sora. And for the first time, there was no place for Riku to fit in. I was alone, in the cold, simply…forgotten by the two people that I loved with all my heart. The two people that I was willing to sacrifice anything for. They didn't care about me anymore. Who was Riku, anyway?
Just some fucked up kid that got us all into that mess in the first place.
Maleficent took me to other worlds, showed me new things, promised me luxuries beyond my wildest dreams… And I was drunk. Drunk off of her words, her lies, her seemingly magical way to make me feel important…make me feel like a winner again. I was stronger than Sora, she would tell me…so much stronger… And it made me crazy. I knew that I had to win. Thus, my search for Kairi, my plan to bring her back, became more intense. By that point I didn't care what happened to me… As long as I got to Kairi first…I saved the day…I was the hero…then I could be satisfied. But only if I could win.
As it turns out, me restoring the girl's heart was hopeless. I was too dark, too evil, too…stupid. There was nothing I could do that would help her. I was furious, and my desire to win became all more the better. No way… No way in Hell would I let some little boy…my rival…become the better competitor. I was strong, stronger than him, and I hated him so badly, yet I loved him so much at the same time. I'd always loved Sora, and to think that he'd forgotten me was more than enough to send me over the edge, diving deeper into the darkness that veiled my corroded heart.
Sora defeated me. Hollow Bastion, the dreaded place, was where he sent me into the raging sea of reality to tell me the biting truth. I was weak. Weak, helpless, screwed, lost…in simpler terms, I realized, perhaps a little late in the game, that I was fucked. I ran, away from Sora, away from the blinding truth…and I ran to him. Ansem. The one person whose enchanting, beautiful, charismatic being I was beginning to crave. I needed him…to…comfort me, maybe? Help me to cope with it all…help me to deal with the pain.
He made me an offer that I couldn't resist. I gave in.
And…it felt…good… I was the darkness, I was powerful, and Ansem even told me that he…loved me.
I couldn't see, that's how much it hurt to hear him say that. He loved me, he wanted me, he accepted me… Ansem was just like me. We were so close that he was able to…somehow…use my body, to get inside of me, to make me lose control…
And he attempted death on the innocent boy who'd been trying to save me all along. He tried to use me to kill my best friend.
However, Sora was the better player. He beat us…again…
Ansem was gone. He'd thrown me into the dark world of Kingdom Hearts, telling me that I was worthless…that it was a mistake for the keyblade to even want to choose me in the first place. He told me the vile words that stung my ears, made me mad, sad, and terrified all at once. I was weak. Weak, weak, weak…and that was all I ever would be.
Thus, I was alone again. Sora defeated Ansem in the end, the final battle, sent him to some place that to this day I still do not know of. I knew, by then, I'd forgiven the younger boy. I realized what everyone had been saying was true. Sora was the stronger of us two. I had to accept it. Sora deserved the title of a hero. For once, he deserved to be recognized and applauded for. And I…I…needed to be punished. Again, my heart returned to light, but…that was (as I had earlier found out by a wise mouse king named Mickey) all that I had left. My body was gone. Ansem had it. But my heart survived, meaning that I still had a chance. I helped Sora close the doors, sealing my fate. And I watched as the boy that I'd secretly admired for too many years slipped out of my view, telling him to 'take care of her' (meaning Kairi), and let him go. I let him go. I let him go. Sora, I realized, would never be mine. His heart belonged to somebody else. But I couldn't feel happy for them. It tore me apart. For someone as selfish as I was, the truth had really hit me hard…sort of…whizzed my head around when I wasn't looking…
Kairi, the little girl who I loved like a sister, who'd almost been killed on my account, was in love with Sora… My dear Sora, whom I would never be able to forget.
Knowing this is what caused me to gradually turn away from King Mickey's offered help. Slowly, I began to leave him, frequently wandering around the neon-lit, isolated streets at night, asking myself why I had been such an ass about everything… I was hurting so badly…I wanted to let go…free myself…but, physically and mentally, I was trapped. Horrifyingly trapped.
But that changed. That all changed. Ansem…he…found me one night. He looked so…sad, too…so sad that I couldn't help but feel bad for him, despite everything he'd recently done to me in the past. He got on his knees, which deeply surprised me, and apologized, begging me to forgive him for what he'd done.
I couldn't control myself. You see, with Ansem, it isn't a matter of what your heart and brain are fighting over…nothing…matters… He's the ultimate device for forgetting, for erasing pain, demolishing hurt. I wanted him, and I accepted his apology.
Mickey never knew where I was going. Sure, I felt bad for leaving him without an explanation, or even a warning, but…Ansem…was just…so…wonderful.
Somehow, he was still able to control me. But this time, it was like I was helping him to do it. I didn't fight. I lured myself after him…chasing him and his magical, ravishing ways. He told me…over and over again…that he loved me, that he was so wrong to have thrown me here like that.
But I didn't care. I didn't care at all about what he was saying. He was like drugs…strangely pleasurable…addictive…filling you with ecstasy until you were too numb to feel anything at all. Then, when he gave me my body back, I was full out gone.
I asked him to prove it. I wanted to know that he loved me, that he wasn't just saying it to fool me again…
And that was the night that he branded me with his blazing signature, pressed that searing name against my untouched skin, marring me forever with the act that made me his. It was too bad that I hadn't figured it out earlier…I was Riku no longer. I was Ansem's slave, his willing slave, ready to jump off a bridge if he told me to do it. Anything for him…for that painfully beautiful, seductive, gorgeous, lovely, amazing, magical, phenomenal, remarkable…god…that would tell me constantly that he loved me, and I loved him back. I loved Ansem. I loved him for his ability to make me feel happy, good about myself… I loved him for that pleasure that he would give me whenever I wanted, or…when he wanted, rather. I loved him because he was attractive, and powerful, and just…the epitome of a man. He was amazing…or so it seemed at the time. I loved him so much. So, so, so much. But Ansem never loved me back. To him, I was just…a toy, I guess. An object with no feelings, no life, no mind of its own. And that was the pain that had replaced my unrequited love for my best friend. Never would I belong. Never. All I would ever be was…in the way…or…used. My own undying gullibility really made me an easy target. I was just so damned stupid.
I was crying. I felt the tears sliding down my face, shaming me, hurtfully reminding me of what I'd become from the time that I was fifteen-years-old. I hated Riku. I hated myself.
"Oh, Riku…"
I flinched at the gentle voice behind me and buried my face into my pillow. I felt the foot of the bed sag a bit, letting me know that I had company, and I began to cry harder. He wrapped his arms around my trembling shoulders and cradled my head next to his chest.
"Riku," he whispered, and I tried to stifle the scratchy sob caught in my throat. It was tickling me, though, and, despite my inner protests, I had to let it out. I really didn't deserve a friend like him. Please, Sora…just leave me alone… Just…go away…
"Why are you still crying?"
Because, Sora…these tears won't stop. They just…won't…stop.
"Why, Riku?" His voice was so gentle, so…soothing… And I could feel his hands against my back…strong hands…powerful, yet comforting at the same time. Maybe…I could just…let him hold me for tonight… Maybe…
"Please don't cry anymore…"
My tears flew.
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Author's Notes: Well, whaddaya think? Should I continue? Got any suggestions, constructive criticism, compliments*winks*? Alright, review and tell me what you think of this so far? I'm quite satisfied; despite some weaknesses in the whole summary of Riku's little…adventure…shall I say? And the parts with Ansem will be cleared up later on, going into more detail about his and Riku's 'relationship'. Hope you liked this so far. See ya! ^_^
-Rain