Title: Yellow Pants Gives Epiphany.
Author: fippie
Pairing: Tina/Artie, Santana/Brittany
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~1,200+
Summary: Oneshot. Did Brittany really make out with everyone in the school?
Spoilers: 1.17 / Bad Reputation
Disclaimer: Don't own Glee, don't own nothing but my bones.
Author's note: First post, unbeta-ed, all mistakes were overlooked probably due to inebriation. Please forgive me. Comments / brickbats appreciated.
Tina paced around in front of the library doors nervously. "I don't know if this is a goo-"
Artie caught hold of her hand when she walked in front of his wheelchair. "Hey," he said softly. "It's okay if you want to freak out a little, but we're all in this together with you, okay?"
Tina looked over at Mercedes, who also looked a little scared but defiant, and Brittany, who was already limbering up.
Mercedes flipped her hair in a show of bravado and announced, "Let's just get in there first." She pushed the doors open and entered the library, Brittany following her lead.
Something struck Tina as she took note of Brittany's ridiculous yellow pants from behind.
"Artie?"
"Yeah?"
"You know when Brittany said she's made out with everyone in this school? Well, she's never made out with any of us."
Artie's gaze shifted, his head dropping a little. And that's when Tina knew.
"That was a waste of time," huffed Mercedes as she trotted out of the library hall quickly.
Brittany looked like she was concentrating hard on a single train of thought, and then broke into a beaming smile. "No it wasn't! We've got our very own first gig!"
"For Sunday service?" Mercedes glared. Brittany's smile was getting on her nerves. "Anyway, I refuse to perform that piece again. It's hell on my thighs! That's not the kind of sacrifice our good lord needs to see!"
"Actually," Brittany said, pausing a bit. "Santana said-"
Tina just groaned as she exited the doors. It overwhelmed her; the fact that they all sucked at being badass, and the thought of Brittany and her boyfriend sucking face with each other.
It shouldn't be that big of a deal, Tina thought. Everyone experiments in high school. It's just that she couldn't handle the thought of her Artie being experimented on by a ditzy predator. At this, Tina conjured up the image of a brontosaurus, or was it apatosaurus, now? Brittany was like that giant dinosaur, slow but potentially deadly. Wait, why was she thinking of prehistoric creatures? She shook her head, mentally arranging a playlist of Nine Inch Nail songs she was going to blast from her speakers when she got home. She needed to think.
Mercedes, having calmed down from her rant, noticed Tina stalking off with a sulky expression on her face. "Okay, I know our show didn't have the effect we expected, but what's that all about?" She turned towards Brittany, who shrugged. "Artie? Hey Artie, where're you going?"
Artie glumly wheeled himself away, ignoring her.
"Well," drawled Brittany, extending a hand to Mercedes. "That was a real fun workout. My nose mucus is all gone too."
Mercedes eyed Brittany's hand with trepidation and remarked, "I'll shake on it after you've washed your hands."
For the next few days, Artie was overly sweet to Tina, bringing her chocolates and flowers as if to ward off the guilt.
"It's okay, Artie," she sighed, as she munched on some dark chocolate. "I get it."
"You do?" Artie said. He looked hopeful, partly because he had used up all his lunch money for the rest of the month on Godiva chocolates. "Well, uh, do you want to talk abo-"
"Not... now," Tina said, slowly. "I'm not... ready. But I do get it."
She had tried to maintain a cordial front. They had been talking about everything except Brittany. Tina thought it would be better to live in blissful ignorance.
Still, she did wonder. Brittany was probably a much better kisser than her, given that she's probably had an insanely huge amount of practice. But Brittany doesn't have the same kind of romantic feelings she has for Artie, she reasoned. So it's okay. Right? And besides, this was probably all before she and Artie declared feelings for each other. And weren't Brittany and Santana kinda sorta maybe fooling around?
If Tina was Mercedes or Quinn or Santana, she would've been boiling with jealous rage and declared war with the offending person. But Tina was Tina, gentle and forgiving underneath all those layers of Goth makeup. Brittany wasn't a bad person, as such, Tina knew this for a fact, because both of them helped Kurt out for his Single Ladies' routine, and she's seen Brittany take Becky around.
So Tina decided to make friends with the enemy. Just so. You know. She can be sure her man is hers.
"Are we good?"
She looked at Artie carefully, who was looking back at her with such devoting wide eyes behind those thick spectacles, and exhaled, "Yeah. We're good."
"Great! Can I have that last bit of dark chocolate?"
Brittany was in the middle of gathering books from her locker. Santana was chatting in rapid-fire Spanish on the phone next to her. She was about to link pinkies with Santana, when-
"A kiss is just a kiss, right?"
Brittany wasn't sure why Asian was suddenly in her face, looking half-threatening and half-desperate.
"Umm. Yes?" she hazarded.
"So it doesn't mean anything?"
"Umm… Yes?"
"Are you saying yes because you're really saying yes or because you're saying yes but you really mean no?"
This was too difficult for Brittany to follow, so she just replied, "Yes?"
Tina sighed. "Alright, I'll go straight to the point." Brittany almost sagged with relief, because she hated all these hard philosophical questions.
"You've made out with Artie, right?"
"Artie?" Brittany's brow furrowed. "No I haven't."
"Look, I just wanted to know if Artie enjoyed it. I just need to know what I can improve on."
"I would have remembered if I had to bend over to make out with someone."
"I haven't kissed a lot of people, so I don't have much experience like you and Santana do."
"Even if Artie could stand, I think he's shorter than me. I'd still have to flex my knees a little."
"And I really, really like him and I want to be the one to rock his- wait, what?"
Brittany stared at her. "Oh. You mean that peck on the cheek I gave him when he taught me the wheelchair routine? That was so long ago. And. That's not making out." She said it so matter-of-factly that Tina began to feel that she had lower IQ points of the two.
"This." Brittany grabbed hold of Santana, who dropped her cellphone in surprise. "This is making out."
The resulting YouTube clips went viral within minutes.
"A PECK ON THE CHEEK IS NOT MAKING OUT!"
Artie cowered in his wheelchair. "It's... it's not?"
"IT'S NOT! AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY ASKED BRITTANY ABOUT THIS!"
He closed his eyes, partly thankful that 'it's not' so it's not considered cheating on his girlfriend, and partly fearful that this was going to get uglier than the time she cut him into half with that Righteous Blade of Equality. He still didn't know where she kept it, but he didn't want to incur her wrath again.
"AND THEN SHE AND SANTANA HAD TO PROVE THEIR POINT BY SEXING IT UP IN THE CORRIDOR! I HAD TO WASH MY EYES OUT WITH SOAP!"
Besides, those chocolates were expensive. So he quietly listened to Tina's mad rant, and secretly thought how cute her eyes looked when she's going fucking ballistic.