Title: Accio Voldemort!
A Parody by Trevor and Mindy
Summary: Sugar-high and Harry Potter obsessed; we decide that everyone is STUPID for not Accio-ing Voldemort! So, we are out to prove that people can be Accio-ed!
Genre: Humor, Parody,
Rated: T (may go up, depending on things….)
Warnings: language, violence, excessive stupidity, cussing burritos, cross-dressing, slash, brief mention of androgens (people with no gender), OMG THE PAPERCLIP IS STARING AT ME!
Parings: Hermione X Ginny (Trevor's), Draco X Harry (Mindy's), Dumbledore X McGonagall, Umbridge X Firenze (stupidness), Oliver Wood X a Broomstick, Neville X Luna (Neville fights for Luna's love, but it's hard to get her to fall for him when his competition is his toad…), Voldemort X Biscuit, Ron X Burrito, Filch X Sorting Hat, Dobby X Mrs. Norris,
Disclaimer: We do not own HP
Chapter: 1. Lucky
Once upon a time, in Teletuby land—oh, no, wait, shit, Hogwarts—yeah, that's better, during potions class, Dumbledore was teaching…and for the first time EVER, people actually missed Snape.
"WHAT IS 2+2 DAMMIT!" Dumbledore screamed at little Jimmy, scaring the literal shit out of him. Little Jimmy began to cry, ran into Snape's supply closet, and committed suicide with a toaster. Next in line (which was a triangle) was Harry Potter. He was quite nervous about the pop quiz he'd be given.
"Ron? What do I do?" He whispered.
Ron, meanwhile, was too distracted, he looked dazed.
"Ron? What's wrong?"
"Harry, I think I'm in lobe…oh, no, wait, love, yeah, that's right…" Ron said, looking at the beautiful beef and bean burrito sitting on Dumbledore's desk (Which used to be Snape's, but Dumbledore decorated it with flowers and Regulus plushy-dolls.)
"HARRY POTHEAD!" Dumbledore screamed, his face getting chicken-pops. "NAME IN ORDER THE FAMILY LINE OF DRACO MALFOY, STARTING 200 YEARS AGO UNTIL NOW!"
"How am I supposed to know that, sir?" Harry pleaded, sounding helpless.
"DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, WOMAN!" Dumbledore shrieked, slapping Harry across the face. "NOW, ANSWER THE QUESTION! IN FIVE WORDS OR LESS!"
"Um…." Harry mumbled, "Muffin-Malfoy-Pikachu-Malfoy-ummmmm…Tom-Malfoy-Cheese-it-Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy Malfoy…." Harry mumbled, "Lucius, and finally, Draco Malfoy! I DID IT!"
Dumbledore smiled broadly, "No wonder you're my favorite student, you're so smart, Jimmy!" Dumbledore announced proudly, giving Harry a golden star sticker on his forehead, and giving him the thumbs-up, his eyes twinkling.
Meanwhile, the real Jimmy lay battered and bloody, with a toaster standing over him, laughing manically.
Draco Malfoy, however, did not give Jimmy (Harry) a gold star and say good job, he was not happy at all with Jimmy (Harry) at the moment. "You didn't get that right…I think I would know if someone in my family was named 'Pikachu'! You shouldn't have gotten a star! I WANTED THAT GODDAMN STAR!" Draco said, pointing angrily to the stamp on his forehead that was labeled 'Neville', and throwing a thick book which just-so-happened to be labeled 'Malfoy history' on it.
Harry was just about to laugh, when he noticed that Dumbledore was now staring at the one next to him; Ron. He turned around to see that Ron was not there, however, but was over flirting with the burrito on Dumbledore's (Snape's) desk (although I don't really think Snape will want it back…).
"What is the capital of Norway, Mr. Wilson?" Dumbledore asked Ron's empty space, obviously not noticing that there was no student in that space. "Oh, VERY good Mr. Wilma, but do you know the capital of your mom?"…
Some chair across the room screams, "NEW ORLEANS!"
"Oh, you think you're smart, do you Mr. Wututututututututtu! Think you're hot shit? Huh? SHOWIN OFF IN FRONT OF MY GIRL, NIGGA!" Dumbledore screamed, pointing to Fawkes, who pointed to McGonagall.
Suddenly, Umbridge piped up, "Yeah! You just hate me because I'm black!"
Suddenly, Firenze walks into the room staggering everywhere, obviously drunk. Firenze gallops through the classroom, his skin painted orange, with green hair; singing the oompa-loompa theme song.
Dumbledore suddenly gets very bored, orders the class to sit down, and sits on the desk. He conjures up a boom box, hits 'plause' and sings along as Brittany Spears comes on. The class stares at him scaredly as he conjures up a razor and shave gel and begins to shave his legs. "You're next assignment is to watch me shave my armpits—then write a three-foot essay on how it turned you on…"
"That's you're legs…"
"DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"
Suddenly, just when Dumbledore was getting to the song 'Lucky', something very unlucky happened:
"This is a story about a girl
Named Lucky…
Early morning,
She wakes up
Knock, Knock, Knock,
On the door
It's time for make-up
Perfect smile
It's you they're all
Waiting for
They go…
'Isn't she lovely
this Hollywood girl
and they say…
SHE'S SO LUCKY, SHE'S A STAR
BUT SHE CRY, CRY, CRIES IN HER
LONELY HEART, THINKING"
Dumbledore begins to whisper,
"If there's nothing missingin my life,
then why do these tears come at night?
Lost in an image,
In a dream
But there's no one there to
wake her up
and the world is spinning, and
SHE KEEPS ON WINNING--!"
At that moment, Snape walked in, looking livid, conjuring a bloodstained axe, and destroyed the boom box. "WHAT IN THE HELL!" Snape roared, the class cheering.
Dumbledore looked shocked, covering up his chest like he was in the shower. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM YOU PERV!"
"THIS IS MY CLASSROOM!—what the hell are you doing?"
Ron looked up from making out with the burrito, "Noneofyourmotherfuckingbusiness…"
Dumbledore then stood up, taking from his pocket a pair of ancient gym socks that looked as though they had never been washed, and began to dance. Suddenly, out of thin air, a portal opened, and out popped an army of pink and yellow peeps. "DON'T WORRY EVERYONE! THE SUMMONING IS COMPLETE! AND YUNA IS FINE!" Dumbledore said with a curtsy.
"Before I depart, and since I want to prove how prejudice I am--…" he smiled wickedly, blasting the hell out of the yellow ones with his wand, "I will only allow the pink ones to come on the Ark with me! No Austin! You can't come because you're an androgen! And Pedro can't come because you're brown!"
The Mexican looked pissed, "WHY AREN'T THERE ANY GODDAMN MEXICAN VETERANS!"
"JUST GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" Snape snapped, his lower eye twitching.
Dumbledore saluted him, "Yes, captain! Those goddamn Puritans will die! Come on men!—Oh my god! There's a woman among us!"
The Peeps peeped in response.
"SONOFABITCH!" Dumbledore screamed, smiting the one peep.
"That was my girlfriend you bastard!" Dean Tomas screamed, flipping him off.
Dumbledore bit Dean's finger off, "Haha! Now you are Frodo!"
Snape then took it upon himself to pick up Seamus and threw him at Dumbledore, "GET OUT! I SWEAR TO DAVID THAT I'LL THROW A NUN NEXT!"
"You traitor!" Screamed a nun who jumped out of the supply closet, and then hurled herself out the window.
"COME ON! TO MY OFFICE! EVERYONE!" Dumbledore hollered, he and the Peeps began to sing:
"IF YOU WANNA BE WITH ME BABY THERE'S A PRICE TO PAY
I'M A GENIE IN A BOTTLE
YOU GOTTA RUB THE RIGHT WAY
IF YOU WANNA BE WITH ME
I CAN MAKE YOU'RE WISH COME TRUE
YOU GOTTA MAKE A BIG IMPRESSION
I GOTTA LIKE WHAT YOU DO
SO WON'T YOU FLY WITH ME
I WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL ALRIGHT
ALRIGHT WITH ME
LET ME BEND YOUR BROKEN WINGS
AND SET YOU FREE GIRL
IT'S ALRIGHT
GIRL CAN'T YOU SEE?"
Dumbledore danced off, shouting back at the class, "DON'T FORGET ABOUT THAT ESSAY! MERRY CHIRSTMAS!" he said, although it is July 31st, Harry's birthday.
Sorry about all the songs! Lol. Maybe in the next chapter we'll put less songs, or better-known ones at least...
the three songs were:
Brittany Spears 'Lucky'
Chistina Auguliara 'Genie in a Bottle'
98 degrees 'fly with me'
Also, the mention of 'Yuna' was from the video games 'Final Fantasy X' and 'Final Fantasy X2'. However, the mention of 'summoning' only appears in 'Final Fanstasy X'
The mention of Pikachu is from Pokemon.
The mention of Pedro and Austin are from us, they are our friends, and the dialoge actually took place one day at lunch. lol.
REVIEW! thnx!