I let my tears flow freely down my cheeks as my sons disappear into the sky, born away by a rainbow of light. How can something so beautiful be the cause of so much pain? How can what I've always thought of as a symbol of hope now be the source of my despair?
The light slowly fades from my sight. They're gone. I want to end this grief, this sense of loss I feel so keenly, but I have little left that can smother the aching hole in my heart.
I turn my head away from the sight of the strange world that has stolen my children from me, and my eyes light on him, on his face. I stare for a moment at his blank expression as he gazes upwards after our sons, and his chastising words echo in my mind.
"We've made some selfish decisions of our own."
He's right.
As much as I want to hate him for it I can't: he's right. We've both been so selfish, and now I have to let go. I can only hope they'll come back safe and sound - and fear what might happen while I'm not there to protect them.
I haven't been as good a protector as I should be.
I'm their mother, for heaven's sake, they're only children. So young, so very young - and yet they're the ones who held strong in the centre of all this mayhem, defending the city, defending the world, while I stood and watched from a distance. Even he, for all I've accused him in the past of being a bad father, even he has done more than I have. I can see the rumpled state of his clothing, the lines under his eyes, just as I can smell the cigarettes he's been smoking to calm his nerves. He's been here, with them, all this time - while I was far away.
What kind of mother am I? I've lost my husband and one son - will I lose TK, as well?
I thought I had, when he rode off into the fog on that sea-creature's back. I was so afraid I would never see him again, and when I did - I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to hold him safe in my arms for the rest of his life, my most precious child; but he told me he'd been safe with his father and his brother.
Matt.
Seeing him standing there - I realized for the first time just how much he's grown since...
Since the night we went our separate ways, the last time I ever hugged him.
"Don't touch me!"
He pushed me away, wouldn't say goodbye. In the end I just had to leave, it was upsetting TK so much. I just walked away and left him behind. I didn't even look back.
I couldn't look back.
Selfish decisions. He's right. We were selfish. TK cried all that first night we spent apart, calling for his brother and his father. I love TK very much, and I know he loves me - but I'm not the only one he cares for.
Even though he's the only one who cares for me.
That wasn't always the case: I can remember being happy with his father - so very happy just to be together with him, to have him in the room, to know he was there, a strong, solid presence in my life.
Where did we go wrong? I don't know. I don't understand how he could stop loving me the way he did. I never stopped loving him, even though our life together fell to pieces - even though I tried so hard to forget the way he'd made me feel, once upon a time...
At least I can understand why Matt stopped loving me. I don't deserve his love, not after letting his father just take him away from me. I should have fought harder to keep him, I should have fought harder to keep them together, even if it meant losing them both, but...
Matt has always been his father's son. I thought it would be better to let him take Matt, while I kept TK with me; I thought it was the only way we could come close to being happy again.
I'm not sure I can ever be happy again.
TK was so pleased to have us all together again; but it just wasn't the same. He was the only one who didn't see it, so innocent in his youth. Unlike his brother...
That look in Matt's eyes, as I walked towards him in the midst of all that destruction... It was the same look he'd had in his eyes on that last day...
I wanted to hug him, but I didn't dare. I told him I was proud of him, but he didn't care.
I thought I'd lost him... I didn't want to lose TK, too, but...
"We're fighting for you!"
For the first time in four years I found myself truly believing that Matt still cared about me, the way he once had. I've wanted to believe that for so long, but he's become so like his father, so closed-off, that I didn't dare trust in that hope.
Yet now that I might have had a chance, they're gone. They're both gone. I've lost them.
"Let him go."
I've been holding on so tight because I couldn't bear the thought of losing TK, not after losing everyone else; but now, even though I'm n the middle of a crowd...
I'm all alone.
So very alone.
And it hurts. It hurts because there's nothing I can do but stand here and cry, hugging my arms to my chest and letting the tears roll down my cheeks until I drown myself utterly in my own private ocean of misery...
I hate being alone.
"Nancy."
I gasp as I hear the sound of his voice, feel the touch of his hand on my shoulder. Looking up into eyes full of enigmatic emotions, his expression is as unreadable as I've ever found it -
- and his fingers tighten their grip ever so slightly.
Casting my gaze around, away from the intensity of his own, I catch the eye of a woman whose child had also been swept away in the light of destiny. She nods solemnly, then turns her sight to several more parents who are gathering close.
I brush the moisture from my eyes as I face the father of my children once more. He drops his hand, and raises his eyes back to the unfamiliar world in the sky.
"They'll be okay," he says, and I want to believe him. I have to believe him.
"He's right," I hear someone else say, and more voices add to the murmur of agreement that buoys my heart out of the abyss.
For the first time in what seems like forever, I feel like I'm not as alone as I'd thought I was.
For the first time in forever, I dare to believe in rainbows.
[Storytime][Fanfics][rhionae@hotmail.com]