Center of Truth
by joebthegreat
Chapter 1: Introduction to Our Mad World
Hello world.
Ness was a wise old man, or at least that's what was said. He had seen a lot during his life, and had learned things that couldn't be taught in any classroom, or at least that's how the rumors went. He was bald with a long beard, so he had to be at least old enough for that beard to grow. Certainly this was proof that he was mature enough to handle all matters of importance.
"At last! My invention is a success!" Dr. Mario cackled. "The Beard Growth Machine is a success! They laughed at me! They said I was a fool! They told me it was a terrible name! Well who cares what they think! I'll be too busy stroking my beard, OF SUCCESS!"
Dr. Mario stood proudly next to his invention. A flat board on the ground, with four glowing cylinders rising up from it. Nobody would be able to explain to you how it worked. (0)
"Aight, cool stuff, see ya' later" Ness waved, leaving to his desolate island where he would ponder the nature of mankind in solitude. (1)
"Now how might I use this great invention, TO RULE THE WORLD?" Dr. Mario cackled.
"Beards are so out of style. Nobody wants one, and the people who do want one are prohibited by their jobs to have one!" Lucas yelled. "I mean, I could totally grow a mean beard if I wanted to, but the regulations at my company state I have to present a 'clean shaven appearance'! It's totally lame!"
"My God! You're right!" Dr. Mario cackled. "If I were to increase the scope of my invention, I could give everyone beards. Being forced to shave them would cause massive increased sales in the razor and hair care market! If I buy stock now I can play the market! Then, with my increases in wealth, I can RULE THE WORLD!"
"Well, at least you can become a big shot investor and stuff" Lucas said. "Hey, maybe you can get me a nice comfy position at the management of one of those hair care companies?"
"Yes, after all you've been such a help around here Lucas. It's not as if I've had to work with Ness the whole time while you were off playing with friends. No, you've been absolutely critical," Dr. Mario sarcackled. (2)
"Oh fine. Just because I've only just walked into this basement in the past minute. Just because this is the first conversation I think we've ever had in two years. Just because I don't have one of those fancy beards yet. Look, I've had enough of your discrimination. I'm unionizing!" Lucas yelled.
Dr. Mario sighed, threw up his hands, shook his head slightly, and walked out of the room.
"You didn't have to make a big scene out of it!" Lucas yelled, throwing the strange machine out the door at Dr. Mario. "And take your stupid beard growing thing with you!"
It was dinner time. A time for rejoicement and celebration. A time when all that was wrong with the world was made right again. It was time for the bellies of all those living in the mansion to be filled. Truly, the wonders of modern science and ingenuity is what made such a marvelous event possible. (3)
Dr. Mario had immediately come here after his hard day of work and research. He sat next to Mario and Luigi at their normal table, right next to the kitchen, and with a view looking directly towards all the other tables. He had a large sirloin steak and wine for his celebration, and quietly ate it in contentment. He kept his cackling to a minimum.
Mario was sniffing the air in the dining room, looking around in disgust.
"What is it brother?" Luigi asked with concern.
"I smell something I haven't in a long time. Something evil." Mario muttered. "Almost as if..."
Mario turned his head suddenly to Lucas, who had just come walking into the room, and who was walking to the table with his friends on it.
"Unions." Mario snarled with disgust.
"What do you find to be wrong with unions?" Luigi asked.
"They want money." Mario mumbled.
"Ah, but brother, you want money yourself." Luigi said.
Mario and Luigi continued to debate the merits of wanting money for the whole meal, meanwhile Link and Zelda were bragging to Pit and Samus.
"It was thiiis big!" Link laughed, holding his hands out wide.
"Are we still talking about fishing, or the other thing?" Pit asked with a puzzled look. (4)
Zelda blushed as Link stammered over himself "I-I was saying. Y-you see. Damn it Pit you're not getting it!"
Samus playfully nudged Pit. "Oh come on, quit toying with them!"
"So are you two an item yet, or what the hell?" Link asked, trying to move the conversation.
"Oh we're. I dunno. We get a lot of letters in the mail telling us we should get together, and frankly I'm not sure how the idea originated." Samus said.
"I'm still just trying to figure out how it would work if it was that big..." Pit pondered, before quickly adding. "For either of those things."
"Oh come off it Pit! We're talking about us now, okay?" Samus sighed.
"There's an us?" Pit asked. "When did this happen?"
"Well there's certainly not an 'us' yet." Samus said, and with that she took her plate and walked away.
"Dude, you totally blew it!" Link laughed. "What the hell?"
"What? I don't need to go out with Samus. Why does everyone assume I want to?" Pit asked.
"Come on, you're a good looking bachelor, she's a good looking bachelorette?" Zelda asked. "It's not a big leap."
"Besides, you have common interests!" Link said. "You both beat the crap out of people for a living!"
"It's just like us and our cross-dressing!" Zelda smiled, holding Link's hand and bringing herself closer to him. "You know when you have a connection like that, it's meant to last."
"It's not cross-dressing, damn it! It's common for men to wear kilts or tunics to battle!" Link yelled, throwing his food on the ground and storming out.
"Well..." Pit said in shock, before leaning in to Zelda quietly. "I doubt it was really that big anyway."
Zelda tore the table in half with her bare hands, and then started grabbing the innocent souls of children yet to be born and tore them into pieces in a rage.
Pit fled to his room.
Dr. Mario finished his dinner and left.
That night all was quiet in the mansion. (5)
Falco had just changed into his pink flowery 'jammies' as he liked to call them, and was fluffing his pillows in preparation for a good night's sleep. Just then his cell phone started ringing.
"Oh now who would be calling at this hour?" Falco wondered, skipping over to the phone and answering it.
"You're going to die tonight" a dark raspy voice said over the phone.
"Oh, you say that every night, silly!" Falco giggled.
"No, I'm serious this time damn it. This is a serious warning. I'm actually going to come into your room with a knife and stab you" the dark raspy voice cried.
"Heh, I bet you will. You'll stab me good!" Falco hung up and skipped back to his bed, laughing himself to sleep.
That night...
Nothing happened. (6)
It was early the next morning. Charizard was pacing back and forth in his room. He had been unable to sleep, too much was running through his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about Jigglypuff. Ever since he had seen her in her revealing swimsuit the other day, (7) he couldn't get rid of that image. He had been through so many tissues, and sleep still wouldn't come.
"CHAAAAARRR" Charizard roared in longing.
He longed for her touch, to see her once more. With every aching muscle in his body he yearned for another opportunity. Being around her wasn't enough, no, he needed to truly be with her, united in both heart and mind. His mind thought only of her, and his heart beat only for her, in this their purpose was united. To be with her was truly his need. His soul tore against the fabric around him. Without another opportunity which he yearned for so greatly, his body might tear and his heart forever ache. Once more was all he asked for. One more chance to see her.
He was stuck in a loop like this for some time now, when suddenly something occurred to him.
"Charizard! Char Char Charizard Char!" Charizard cheered, it was only a matter of time before all his problems would be solved.
Charizard made his way to Mario's room. He was too caught up in his own emotions to notice when he passed by Meta Knight and Jigglypuff heading downstairs in their swimsuits He was too busy floating on his own cloud to notice a man with a bloody knife running upstairs to a room somewhere. He was too busy to realize the he wasn't wearing anything.
But that's okay because he never wears anything. (8)
As he arrived at the door to Mario's room, he was stopped by Luigi.
"My friend, I sense something troubles you. What does the matter appear to be?" Luigi asked with open arms.
"Charizard!" Charizard yelled, pushing Luigi out of the way and knocking on Mario's door.
"WHAT!" Mario screamed, a loud thump could be heard, followed by a clatter. Then stomping. Finally the door was creaked open.
"Oh, it's just you" Mario muttered. "What the hell do you want?"
"Char!" Charizard roared enthusiastically.
"You know, I like you. You've got spirit. Come on in," Mario said, opening the door fully, kicking some of the clutter out of the way to make a path through his room.
"Now, this... DAMN game, (9) has been PISSING ME OFF!" Mario screamed. "No matter what I do, no matter how long I spend on this damn game, I CAN'T BEAT IT! IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE! AAAAAAHHHHH!"
Mario broke into a long tirade of swearing and destruction, stomping around and drop kicking his controller.
"CHAR!" Charizard roared, trying to turn the attention back onto the Jigglypuff.
"You're right." Mario said, he slumped back into his chair and leaned back, kicking his feet out. From here Charizard could see the bags under his eyes, puffy and red. Mario's stare seemed to go through the TV, as if he wasn't entirely there.
"Char? Charizard Char!" Charizard questioned.
"Look, you slimy piece of shit. I know they've been unionizing out there, and you better not be a part of it!" Mario began to work up. "I've worked too damn hard for too damn long to let some stupid union get the better of me!"
"Charizard?" Charizard asked.
"Look, take the damn controller, and we'll finish this damn game together. Then I'll help you." Mario said, handing one of the unbroken controllers to Charizard.
"Char!" Charizard perked up and roared.
After hours of trying to beat the game, to no avail, Charizard roared with a fiery rage and threw the console into the TV, then kicked the TV stand over and breathed fire on the whole thing, setting off the sprinklers on the ceiling and destroying everything in the room. He then stomped on the ashen remains and then began grabbing the innocent souls of children yet to be born and tore them into pieces in a rage.
"Ha! I like you!" Mario said, taking Charizard by the shoulder and walking him to the door. "Now it seems to me like you've got the right attitude. You just need to go out there and express yourself!"
Charizard nodded, understanding the wisdom.
"Now, you just ruined about everything I own. So get the FUCK out of my room, and don't bother to show your face around here again!" Mario yelled, pushing Charizard out the door and then slamming it behind him.
Luigi was still out there.
"My friend, I trust everything has been resolved to your satisfaction?" Luigi asked, once again spreading his arms.
Charizard kicked Luigi through a wall and began to stomp around the mansion, looking for Jigglypuff.
(0)That includes Dr. Mario.
(1)For those who might question our great and wise Ness's choice of words in the matter, I offer the following: the great and wise Ness is above such petty things as "word selection" or "eloquent speech", and has transcended the petty concept of "sounding intelligent".
(2)Sarcackling is an earlier invention of Dr. Mario, it is one of many inventions which allow him to maintain his cackling nature while still giving him flexibility to have different tones of voice.
(3)True fact: Every country that has declared war has failed to have one scheduled dinner time for everyone living in the country. This can be considered a direct cause.
(4)The story had been about horse racing, and had always been about horse racing. I hope this helps resolve Pit's question.
(5)With only about ten drastically notable exceptions.
(6)With only one notable exception: Falco was found stabbed to death in his bedroom. It was a minor change and nobody really cared.
(7)It was absolutely nothing, like most of Jigglypuff's "outfits".
(8)How lewd.
(9)Tetris.
Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Pit and Samus ever become an item? Will Dr. Mario succeed in his dastardly plans? What will Ness learn in his contemplation on that desolate island? Will I update this story?
That all depends on where my creative juices flow the next time somebody squeezes me. Will you be the next one to squeeze me?