All of these characters are property of Squaresoft so don't sue me. Blah, blah, blah, you know the drill. Anyway, this fic is the product of my own twisted imagination so uhm...read and be merry. And without further Ado. I bring you Fan Fic #7, Please R&R.
Battle of the Bands
The speakers on the TV were blasting, when Cloud was watching MTV. There was a new rock band on called Disturbed and they were all the rage. Cloud found himself wrapped up in the music and became a big fan. Now he was just staring at the TV, like he usually did, and watching one of their videos, wide eyed. Sephiroth happened to walk in at that very moment and sneered as he watched the sorry spectacle. Poor Cloud looked like he was about to have a seizure at any moment.
"I bet I could make better music than this crap."
Those mako-blue eyes of Cloud's glanced up at Seph with a sudden happy glow to them. His lips formed a big toothy grin and he shot up with his fists clenched, obviously not in his right mind.
"That's It Seph! We'll form a band! Mwahahaha! Then we'll be just as good as Disturbed."
Sephiroth towered over Cloud, and just gave him a weird look. Shaking his head, he stuck out his hand and pushed Cloud's face away from him.
"I was merely stating. I don't really want to make music."
"NO Sephiroth! Don't you understand?!" He had that crazed look in his eyes, as he stepped closer to the silver-haired one. "The GIRLS Seph! The GIRLS!"
He raised a glistening silver brow and snorted.
"What about them?"
"Don't you see?!" Cloud grabbed Seph's shoulders and started shaking him, Seph starting to get a bit scared at this point. "They'll love me! I mean...us."
He hid that evil smirk for now. This was obviously another one of Cloud's desperate ploys to become adored by many women, and Seph knew that it would not work. He rolled his eyes.
"Ugh, Cloud. You really need to take a pill. I mean, seriously."
"No! I'm finally thinking clearly now... I must go find the others. RED! SQUALL! HOUSEHOLD MEETING!"
As he ran off to find them, with that maniacal look on his face, Sephiroth watched him and noticed he had a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his trousers. Cloud had been sitting in front of that TV for about a week ever since he had discovered MTV, and no longer felt the need to keep up with his personal hygiene. Seph just shook his head and sighed, turning on his heel to the kitchen where the meeting was going to be held.
"So that's what it's like to become a complete idiot."
The group sat at the kitchen table. Red had been woken up from his afternoon catnap, and was not too pleased with this charade of Cloud's.
"Can you just get on with it and tell us what you're so excited about?"
Cloud jumped with a thrill and smiled big.
"We're starting a band."
Squall stopped staring at the wall and looked at Cloud. That look he gave Cloud could have killed a million men.
"Are you insane?! None of us know how to play any instruments. And you sure as hell can't sing, if that is in fact what you were planning on doing. Just to inform you, when you sing you sound like a dying squirrel, taking a crap for the last time."
Cloud felt his dream shatter and anger grew inside of him as he reached across the table and choked Squall so hard it seemed as if his head would burst open. Naturally, Sephiroth had to break up the two, and he pulled Cloud away.
"Calm down! We're not starting a band and that's all there is to it!"
Red gave them all an inquiring look, and rubbed his wet nose with his paw.
"Well, why not? I ...suppose we could give it a shot. Right?"
Sephiroth practically threw Cloud to the ground, and turned to Red.
"You must be joking."
"Hardly. I could play the drums. Seph, you and Squall could play guitar, and Cloud can...sing I suppose?"
Cloud shot up, and smacked his head against the table, after regaining consciousness, he stood, a bit wobbly and placed his hands on the table.
"That would be perfect! Then we could compete in the battle of the bands next week in Junon."
Seph growled and slammed his fist on the table, breaking it into splinters, which just so happened to pierce Cloud right in the ass. He yelped and fell over.
"And how do you suppose we all learn to play instruments and teach Numb-nuts over there how to sing in a week? It just can't be done!"
"Au Contraire Sephiroth," Replied that most intelligent animal, "It CAN be done. And we're going to prove it."
So over the course of that one week, they all tried their hardest to learn their instruments and teach Cloud how to sing properly. It seemed to be going well, except that Cloud couldn't write any good lyrics so Sephiroth had to help him. And Squall found it so frustrating to learn the guitar that he broke it over Seph's head one day. And they both chased each other around the house, which caused them to end up breaking both of their guitars. So they bought new ones of course, and eventually the group found themselves in Junon, preparing to go on stage.
Backstage they encountered many of their former allies. A few of which just so happened to be Cait Sith, Vincent, and Hojo. What a combination those three would make on stage. There were also many others, most of which the group knew of, and some they didn't. There was the Prince of Damcyan, Edward, along with Kain and Cecil. They didn't seem to have all of their lyrics down pact though, and sounded like a bunch of hogs at dinnertime. Then there was Mog, Locke, Celes, and Gau. It seemed quite fitting that they'd have Gau play the drums. There was also Zidane, with his group: Vivi, Quina, and Freya. And last but not least, was a group that Squall was very familiar with: Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa, and Zell.
"What the hell are you guys doing here?"
"We thought we'd give you guys a little competition." Said Rinoa, as she winked at her one and only.
Squall felt himself swooning for her, but he held back until their performance was over. Cloud elbowed Squall in the gut, and smirked, wiggling his eyebrows at him. The teenager just rolled his eyes, and continued to tune his guitar.
It was time for the show to start, and Rufus walked on stage, microphone in hand. He took a small bow, as everyone was booing him and he sneered, looking up at the crowd.
"Boy do we have a very special treat for you today folks. Welcome to Junon's annual battle of the bands. It's going to be quite a show today, so sit back and enjoy the performance. Our first act is a little group called 'The Baron Red Wings'. How... original."
Edward walked on stage first, followed by Cecil and Kain. Cecil played guitar, and Kain was on the drums, while Edward was getting ready to sing.
"BIRDS!
BIRDS!
Hope you don't take a big dump on my head.
Hope you don't because then I'll be dead.
BIRDS!
BIRDS!"
Sephiroth laughed hysterically at the superfluous lyrics, and nudged Cloud.
"Oh yeah. This thing is in the bag."
The morons finally got off the stage after about 5 minutes of that crap and Rufus reentered the stage, just giving them the weirdest look ever.
"Yes... and that was.... lovely. Now for our next act. They came all the way from Narshe, wherever the hell that is, and they call themselves 'The Leaping Moogles of Flame' Wow...that's the most idiotic name I've ever heard. Anyway, on with the show."
Mog waddled out, microphone in hand, followed by the other three. Locke and Celes were on guitar and Gau on the drums.
"5,000 monsters, kupo,
5,000 monsters,
all ready to beat my ass,
with their big guns and their long flasks,
5,000 monsters coming from across the land
to eat my friends and bury themselves in the sand
We don't know where they came from, kupo,
We don't know what they are
All we know is
We'd better run far
Before they tear us up into moogle nuggets
And rip us a new 'arse'."
Sephiroth was rolling on the floor laughing at this point, while Cloud had that glimmer of hope in his eyes. Rufus wearily returned to the stage, waving off that small moogle and getting ready to announce the next performers.
"Well then, that was... interesting. The next group is from Nibelheim and they call themselves 'Specimen # 18'."
Cait Sith walked onto the stage, followed by Vin and Hojo. The three made a sorry band but they decided to play anyway. Cait Sith sang with a screeching voice.
"Working night and day
Just to pass the time away.
Being a ShinRa Employee really sucks,
But that's why I make the big bucks.
So if you don't like it you can suck my nose
And I'll make sure one of my lackeys blows off your toes."
Rufus growled and pushed that stupid puppet off stage.
"Our next act is a group from ....Balamb Garden? What the hell is that? Well anyway, that's where they're from. And they call themselves 'Limit Break'."
Onto the stage trotted Rinoa and the others, while Squall's tongue was hanging out as soon as he saw what she was wearing. He was practically drooling. The group got ready to play and Rinoa prepared to sing.
"I'd really love to know
Why you're peeing in the snow.
Angelo, it's turning yellow.
You're really making me mellow.
When you scratch behind your ears,
You reduce me to tears.
You'll never know how much you annoy me,
You stupid mut.
But I just have to tell you,
You're one bit wingnut."
This time they were all laughing because those lyrics were just ridiculous. Rufus appeared on stage once again.
"Alrighty then... thank you for putting me to sleep. Next is a group from Alexandria called The Choco...wait a minute, can I say this on national TV? ..... Alright. They're called, 'The ChocoF*ckers'"
He mumbled something about chocobos and hopped off stage once more, as Zidane entered with his band of merry underlings. He began to sing.
"I really love girls,
Especially ones with curls.
They drive me wild everyday
Weather their acting sexy or just saying, 'hey'.
I don't know what to do,
Because Garnet, I'm so true to you,
But If I ever get the chance,
I'd really like to get in your pants."
"Oh my god." Sephiroth just shook his head. "That's disgusting. It's in the bag, most definitely in the bag."
"And our last act for today, THANK GOD! Is a little group from Costa Del Sol, who call themselves 'The Jenova Project'"
And as our heroes entered the stage, the crowd gasped, for Sephiroth was still alive, and had sided with the good guys no less. Once they had quieted down, the group began to play and it seemed that Cloud no longer sounded like a pre-pubescent boy who squeaked when he sang.
"I get so sick,
When you treat us like sh*t.
It's not fun,
When you're pointing the gun.
They say all's fair in love and war,
But how many times have we done this before?
I hate the way you play with my mind,
You're one twisted little f*ck and now I'm finally seeing the sign.
So stay the hell away from me
And soon you'll see,
That you're better off dead,
Not messing with my head."
It seemed as though the crowd had gone wild, but then again, it could've just been Cloud's delusions of grandeur. They left the stage and Rufus returned after a while to announce the winner. He was carrying a small envelope.
"Well guys, let's see which one of you losers won this year."
He opened the envelope slowly and shook his head.
"You've got to be kidding me."
Sephiroth growled. "Just tell us who won you sack of goat cheese."
Rufus looked at him angrily.
"Alright already. The winner is... 'The Baron Red Wings' with their song 'Birds'."
Sephiroth's jaw dropped to an impossible depth. He had become more wrapped up in this thing than Cloud was and was now extremely disappointed. Cloud patted his back lightly, as the winning group went to claim their 100gil prize. Which was kind of ironic since gil wasn't even their currency. So our heroes went home with heavy hearts.
"It's not fair. We should've won. We had the best lyrics, AND music."
Cloud sighed and consoled his friend.
"It's alright Seph, we'll win next year. I promise."
And so, they all went to bed... well... after they vowed to win the next battle of the bands, and to beat Edward into a pile of fish puke the next time they saw him.
The End
Battle of the Bands
The speakers on the TV were blasting, when Cloud was watching MTV. There was a new rock band on called Disturbed and they were all the rage. Cloud found himself wrapped up in the music and became a big fan. Now he was just staring at the TV, like he usually did, and watching one of their videos, wide eyed. Sephiroth happened to walk in at that very moment and sneered as he watched the sorry spectacle. Poor Cloud looked like he was about to have a seizure at any moment.
"I bet I could make better music than this crap."
Those mako-blue eyes of Cloud's glanced up at Seph with a sudden happy glow to them. His lips formed a big toothy grin and he shot up with his fists clenched, obviously not in his right mind.
"That's It Seph! We'll form a band! Mwahahaha! Then we'll be just as good as Disturbed."
Sephiroth towered over Cloud, and just gave him a weird look. Shaking his head, he stuck out his hand and pushed Cloud's face away from him.
"I was merely stating. I don't really want to make music."
"NO Sephiroth! Don't you understand?!" He had that crazed look in his eyes, as he stepped closer to the silver-haired one. "The GIRLS Seph! The GIRLS!"
He raised a glistening silver brow and snorted.
"What about them?"
"Don't you see?!" Cloud grabbed Seph's shoulders and started shaking him, Seph starting to get a bit scared at this point. "They'll love me! I mean...us."
He hid that evil smirk for now. This was obviously another one of Cloud's desperate ploys to become adored by many women, and Seph knew that it would not work. He rolled his eyes.
"Ugh, Cloud. You really need to take a pill. I mean, seriously."
"No! I'm finally thinking clearly now... I must go find the others. RED! SQUALL! HOUSEHOLD MEETING!"
As he ran off to find them, with that maniacal look on his face, Sephiroth watched him and noticed he had a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his trousers. Cloud had been sitting in front of that TV for about a week ever since he had discovered MTV, and no longer felt the need to keep up with his personal hygiene. Seph just shook his head and sighed, turning on his heel to the kitchen where the meeting was going to be held.
"So that's what it's like to become a complete idiot."
The group sat at the kitchen table. Red had been woken up from his afternoon catnap, and was not too pleased with this charade of Cloud's.
"Can you just get on with it and tell us what you're so excited about?"
Cloud jumped with a thrill and smiled big.
"We're starting a band."
Squall stopped staring at the wall and looked at Cloud. That look he gave Cloud could have killed a million men.
"Are you insane?! None of us know how to play any instruments. And you sure as hell can't sing, if that is in fact what you were planning on doing. Just to inform you, when you sing you sound like a dying squirrel, taking a crap for the last time."
Cloud felt his dream shatter and anger grew inside of him as he reached across the table and choked Squall so hard it seemed as if his head would burst open. Naturally, Sephiroth had to break up the two, and he pulled Cloud away.
"Calm down! We're not starting a band and that's all there is to it!"
Red gave them all an inquiring look, and rubbed his wet nose with his paw.
"Well, why not? I ...suppose we could give it a shot. Right?"
Sephiroth practically threw Cloud to the ground, and turned to Red.
"You must be joking."
"Hardly. I could play the drums. Seph, you and Squall could play guitar, and Cloud can...sing I suppose?"
Cloud shot up, and smacked his head against the table, after regaining consciousness, he stood, a bit wobbly and placed his hands on the table.
"That would be perfect! Then we could compete in the battle of the bands next week in Junon."
Seph growled and slammed his fist on the table, breaking it into splinters, which just so happened to pierce Cloud right in the ass. He yelped and fell over.
"And how do you suppose we all learn to play instruments and teach Numb-nuts over there how to sing in a week? It just can't be done!"
"Au Contraire Sephiroth," Replied that most intelligent animal, "It CAN be done. And we're going to prove it."
So over the course of that one week, they all tried their hardest to learn their instruments and teach Cloud how to sing properly. It seemed to be going well, except that Cloud couldn't write any good lyrics so Sephiroth had to help him. And Squall found it so frustrating to learn the guitar that he broke it over Seph's head one day. And they both chased each other around the house, which caused them to end up breaking both of their guitars. So they bought new ones of course, and eventually the group found themselves in Junon, preparing to go on stage.
Backstage they encountered many of their former allies. A few of which just so happened to be Cait Sith, Vincent, and Hojo. What a combination those three would make on stage. There were also many others, most of which the group knew of, and some they didn't. There was the Prince of Damcyan, Edward, along with Kain and Cecil. They didn't seem to have all of their lyrics down pact though, and sounded like a bunch of hogs at dinnertime. Then there was Mog, Locke, Celes, and Gau. It seemed quite fitting that they'd have Gau play the drums. There was also Zidane, with his group: Vivi, Quina, and Freya. And last but not least, was a group that Squall was very familiar with: Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa, and Zell.
"What the hell are you guys doing here?"
"We thought we'd give you guys a little competition." Said Rinoa, as she winked at her one and only.
Squall felt himself swooning for her, but he held back until their performance was over. Cloud elbowed Squall in the gut, and smirked, wiggling his eyebrows at him. The teenager just rolled his eyes, and continued to tune his guitar.
It was time for the show to start, and Rufus walked on stage, microphone in hand. He took a small bow, as everyone was booing him and he sneered, looking up at the crowd.
"Boy do we have a very special treat for you today folks. Welcome to Junon's annual battle of the bands. It's going to be quite a show today, so sit back and enjoy the performance. Our first act is a little group called 'The Baron Red Wings'. How... original."
Edward walked on stage first, followed by Cecil and Kain. Cecil played guitar, and Kain was on the drums, while Edward was getting ready to sing.
"BIRDS!
BIRDS!
Hope you don't take a big dump on my head.
Hope you don't because then I'll be dead.
BIRDS!
BIRDS!"
Sephiroth laughed hysterically at the superfluous lyrics, and nudged Cloud.
"Oh yeah. This thing is in the bag."
The morons finally got off the stage after about 5 minutes of that crap and Rufus reentered the stage, just giving them the weirdest look ever.
"Yes... and that was.... lovely. Now for our next act. They came all the way from Narshe, wherever the hell that is, and they call themselves 'The Leaping Moogles of Flame' Wow...that's the most idiotic name I've ever heard. Anyway, on with the show."
Mog waddled out, microphone in hand, followed by the other three. Locke and Celes were on guitar and Gau on the drums.
"5,000 monsters, kupo,
5,000 monsters,
all ready to beat my ass,
with their big guns and their long flasks,
5,000 monsters coming from across the land
to eat my friends and bury themselves in the sand
We don't know where they came from, kupo,
We don't know what they are
All we know is
We'd better run far
Before they tear us up into moogle nuggets
And rip us a new 'arse'."
Sephiroth was rolling on the floor laughing at this point, while Cloud had that glimmer of hope in his eyes. Rufus wearily returned to the stage, waving off that small moogle and getting ready to announce the next performers.
"Well then, that was... interesting. The next group is from Nibelheim and they call themselves 'Specimen # 18'."
Cait Sith walked onto the stage, followed by Vin and Hojo. The three made a sorry band but they decided to play anyway. Cait Sith sang with a screeching voice.
"Working night and day
Just to pass the time away.
Being a ShinRa Employee really sucks,
But that's why I make the big bucks.
So if you don't like it you can suck my nose
And I'll make sure one of my lackeys blows off your toes."
Rufus growled and pushed that stupid puppet off stage.
"Our next act is a group from ....Balamb Garden? What the hell is that? Well anyway, that's where they're from. And they call themselves 'Limit Break'."
Onto the stage trotted Rinoa and the others, while Squall's tongue was hanging out as soon as he saw what she was wearing. He was practically drooling. The group got ready to play and Rinoa prepared to sing.
"I'd really love to know
Why you're peeing in the snow.
Angelo, it's turning yellow.
You're really making me mellow.
When you scratch behind your ears,
You reduce me to tears.
You'll never know how much you annoy me,
You stupid mut.
But I just have to tell you,
You're one bit wingnut."
This time they were all laughing because those lyrics were just ridiculous. Rufus appeared on stage once again.
"Alrighty then... thank you for putting me to sleep. Next is a group from Alexandria called The Choco...wait a minute, can I say this on national TV? ..... Alright. They're called, 'The ChocoF*ckers'"
He mumbled something about chocobos and hopped off stage once more, as Zidane entered with his band of merry underlings. He began to sing.
"I really love girls,
Especially ones with curls.
They drive me wild everyday
Weather their acting sexy or just saying, 'hey'.
I don't know what to do,
Because Garnet, I'm so true to you,
But If I ever get the chance,
I'd really like to get in your pants."
"Oh my god." Sephiroth just shook his head. "That's disgusting. It's in the bag, most definitely in the bag."
"And our last act for today, THANK GOD! Is a little group from Costa Del Sol, who call themselves 'The Jenova Project'"
And as our heroes entered the stage, the crowd gasped, for Sephiroth was still alive, and had sided with the good guys no less. Once they had quieted down, the group began to play and it seemed that Cloud no longer sounded like a pre-pubescent boy who squeaked when he sang.
"I get so sick,
When you treat us like sh*t.
It's not fun,
When you're pointing the gun.
They say all's fair in love and war,
But how many times have we done this before?
I hate the way you play with my mind,
You're one twisted little f*ck and now I'm finally seeing the sign.
So stay the hell away from me
And soon you'll see,
That you're better off dead,
Not messing with my head."
It seemed as though the crowd had gone wild, but then again, it could've just been Cloud's delusions of grandeur. They left the stage and Rufus returned after a while to announce the winner. He was carrying a small envelope.
"Well guys, let's see which one of you losers won this year."
He opened the envelope slowly and shook his head.
"You've got to be kidding me."
Sephiroth growled. "Just tell us who won you sack of goat cheese."
Rufus looked at him angrily.
"Alright already. The winner is... 'The Baron Red Wings' with their song 'Birds'."
Sephiroth's jaw dropped to an impossible depth. He had become more wrapped up in this thing than Cloud was and was now extremely disappointed. Cloud patted his back lightly, as the winning group went to claim their 100gil prize. Which was kind of ironic since gil wasn't even their currency. So our heroes went home with heavy hearts.
"It's not fair. We should've won. We had the best lyrics, AND music."
Cloud sighed and consoled his friend.
"It's alright Seph, we'll win next year. I promise."
And so, they all went to bed... well... after they vowed to win the next battle of the bands, and to beat Edward into a pile of fish puke the next time they saw him.
The End