Disclaimer(it is nice and polite to do it though it's a known fact): I don't own them!
So writting again... I've always been more of one for oneshots or maybe two chapters... more and I lose my interest in writting. lol lol lol
So I love my fair share of contrasts or similarities between my character development and nature... always obsessed with creating some sort of setting... so now we have the light, warm, summer day, the dark heavy, cold room, though the colors inside are warm(mostly shades of red I assume and suggest) and the characters...
I open a window of the cold study enjoying the hot late afternoon air and light. Normally I shouldn't… normally no one but the owner of the study is allowed here with his own private collection of rare books. But I know I'll get away with it. I always do. So I enjoy the smell of roses and jasmine coming from the deserted inner garden.
There was a time when it wasn't deserted, I have heard, when the rose and jasmine bushes were taken care of, when there was laughter and joy and light… but I wasn't around then. I know the garden as deserted… wild…
I take my book and sit on the settee trying to distract myself with reading. We are, after all so easy to distract, aren't we?
I hear the large wooden doors open suddenly and then close just as fast and his footsteps on the mahogany floor and I nearly jump off my seat.
He's not in the brightest mood so probably not wishing any company. I know him well enough to know he does not like having anyone around when furious or discontent. He never gives into it though; he pushes it aside or hides along with it until he gets over it. Obviously he wouldn't be caught dead, admitting that. No never, he may call it diplomacy though instead of fright, perhaps, of his own feelings. And he knows what I think, but just… lets it slide as if he didn't quite catch that. He can be such an ignorant whenever he chooses to, whenever it suits him.
Aro… he would never cease to surprise me… we would never cease to surprise each other perhaps.
"You're a coward you know? What are you so afraid of? Feeling won't kill you! Look at me… up and running still." My mind teases him sometimes, hoping perhaps that… he would deny it, defend himself, get angry… anything. Instead he raises an eyebrow then smiles slightly, incredulously and then, lets it be. As if he never witnessed me thinking that of him. Me, the favorite, his dear one… I do get away with a lot and take advantage of it shamelessly. We tease each other to no end, for centuries already. What I appreciate the most about him in this silly game we play is that he knows better then to push the wrong buttons… he knows me enough to know anger is the easiest thing to stir up in me as I know it is the last thing he would let get to him.
Such a strange friendship we have… it's an improper word, I am perfectly aware of it… perhaps companionship may work better… perhaps no words could… we are so many things, Aro and I… us… And so many more we could be if only…
"I should leave." I whisper but he smiles, anger already set aside, regardless to the reasons that brought it up.
"Please stay." He invites simply and I don't even try to fight back my own smile. It's ridiculous really but whenever he smiles at me I almost mindlessly return it. And it's genuine… as if all my worries and pain and dark thoughts wash away and there's only sun, and light. And I feel lightheaded and warm and… Childish and stupid it may be but I am not even trying to change it.
So I nod returning to my former position on the settee and to my book though I don't seem to be able to read passed the page I was at. Like I said, easily distracted.
Instead I watch him gather a few books and notes spread carelessly on his desk. He's the most disciplined person I've ever known yet rather messy when he works… he tends to do several things at once, perhaps that's why. Or perhaps this is the one place where he can be completely careless, a haven of some sorts.
"You could set that book aside for now since you're obviously too distracted to get passed page 78." He teases casually and I bite my lower lip slightly embarrassed. Caught staring. Not good, Jane, not good at all, you're getting sloppy.
"Probably." I reply closing the book and putting it next to me. "Should I close the window…? I opened it earlier but I know it's not such a good idea so…" I am rambling, I know but awkward silence gives me time to think of… things, to feel, imagine…
"Leave it my dear, I like it that way." He interrupts sitting next to me. "Such joy you bring to me, Jane." He ads smiling warmly again and gently drops and arm around my shoulders bringing me closer. He is sensible enough not to make any skin contact in the process, his hand only touching the light fabric of the short sleeve of my summer dress. Aro is always strangely polite when it comes to my thoughts, he needs not permission yet he asks for mine. Perhaps it's just a pretense, perhaps if he thought whatever thoughts and musings I would rather keep for myself would endanger him in the least he would care not for my permission. Or perhaps I'd even get away with that… I could never foretell his reaction in this case. Or maybe I don't even want to. What's the point; it's not even a possibility. I could never put him at risk and he knows that much.
And I am grateful he does not try to read my thought for now it would be infuriatingly embarrassing for me. My thoughts are so mixed with emotions… but how else am I suppose to feel when his proximity makes my head spin and my cheeks burn and I so easily and ridiculously lose my train of thought. I know it's stupid and hopeless but I can hardly help how I feel… perhaps I am not even willing to. I know it will hurt later but now I'd rather feel lightheaded and warm.
So I lean against him with a small sigh. Which I immediately regret knowing that I probably look stupid and desperate and… hopeless. But then again, he already knows I am all that for him. He knows of my complete devotion, how could he not? He knows my every thought. He should know how I feel… even though I never think it… not the exact words anyway.
"Have I ever thanked you Jane?" he questions and I look at him puzzled. He does always thank everyone for whatever they do for him, it's part of the manners he so stubbornly holds on. Even with enemies… even with humans he feeds on. Trust Aro to be graceful and good-mannered even when he is pronouncing your death sentence.
"You always do." I reply amused.
He smiles absently as if he has meant a completely different thing and I have naively ignored it. I hate it when he does that.
"I thank you for minor things… I have never thanked you for being here, have I?"
"Where else would I be?" Why would I be anywhere else but here for you, with you? It looks like today he is in a mood of explaining his talking in riddles which he rarely does.
"Sometimes… sometimes I simply feel tired Jane… I am tired of all this…" he says gesturing around the luxurious study but obviously referring to his whole empire. "… of Caius' constant anger, of Marcus' solemn grief… of the pretenses, of… of trying to keep this together and working, of… of everything, though I never have before, now I wonder… is it even worth? All the plans the schemes…" he sighs bitterly. He's letting his guard down and I don't know if I should be grateful for his trust or frightened that maybe he is losing his mind. He's such and enigma. So unpredictable, when you know him as closely as I do… knowing Aro this well means accepting that you could never foresee his reactions, his decisions. And his feelings, especially his feeling. Never.
You may go on logics and reason but… still, what he would do is nothing but a lucky guess.
"It is of no importance if it's worth. It is what you want, that's what matters." I whisper gently leaning against him so I could look up to see his face.
"Oh, Jane… honest, emotional Jane…" he whispers affectionately looking at me. "Is it what I want Jane? It's been so long… I can hardly remember why I even wanted… this."
"It's part of who you are… I guess. The reasons don't matter now… what you want does. So what do you want?"
"What I want…?"
He laughs at that. But it's far from careless and amused. It's dark, grim, threatening. They say people laugh when they don't know how to answer or react to things…
"You… you are so different Jane, do you realize that? You are above all this… you are above them. Above the schemes and plans, above the logic and reason… you and your feelings… you are so much better than any of us. So much honest, stronger, precious… You, you are my solace, my hope…"he stops and sighs looking at me, knowing he said too much. And Aro never says too much, never reveals but what he wants to… No, not what he wants! What serves him better! What he wants got lost somewhere along the way. And now he's taken a moment to see it… realize the painful loss but not remembering the loss of what exactly. And it must hurt. And he is not comfortable with being aware of how much it hurts.
And now I am his solace, the witch girl is his solace, his hope? Definitely letting guard down and is somewhat unaware of it.
"You have such beautiful eyes Jane, did you know that?" he smiles absently. Oh, the walls are rising up again. He's beating it around the bush, as always. I guess the introspection and confession is over for today… knowing Aro, probably for always. Or not. Completely unpredictable.
From solace and hope to 'beautiful eyes'? Who does he think he is fooling here? Throwing nice words around to mask true meanings, to draw attention from the strength and importance or earlier said things.
Coward! My mind accuses again as he pushes a strand of pale brown hair off my face, fingers brushing against my skin shortly.
"Yes, perhaps!" he whispers as if he is talking to himself.
"What color were they… my eyes I mean?" I decide to play along, knowing pressing Aro into doing something never works. He is far too stubborn and I am for now willing to let it go.
I remember events of my human life, actions, words… but I can't seem to recall simple details as my eye color, or my brother's… my parents' faces… perhaps it's a defensive mechanism. So I don't have to remember the betrayal, the pain, the loss… the 'what ifs'… what might've been were I to grow older… what might've been to never be turned. The last I don't want to go into… but being turned just a bit older… a few years… I shake the thought away. What might've been never changes what is, or what will be, what could be…
"I should probably say blue… but it would be so incomplete… they were many colors actually, blue, sky blue was dominant though… they had a crystal quality, your eyes… as if mended from differently colored crystals, there was blue and grey and green… more like green-blue… like the sea. And there were darker shades of blue. So you see, saying blue is ridiculously incomplete." He smiles drawing my left eyebrow with his index finger absently, then drops his hand as soon as he realizes his gesture is a bit too familiar and tender. His defenses are up and down in matters of seconds. There's definitely something on his mind, which he will later reveal, or not, it is his choice completely. It is always his choice.
"They must've been beautiful." I whisper, shrugging. "I never thought you've taken so much time to study them, though." I tease.
"They were. They are beautiful now… just as wide, just as deep as if they hold the key to the world's deepest mysteries… they hold promises of things I can't even begin to figure, of things I am afraid to unravel… they were never the eyes of a child. Never careless and naïve… seen too much, much too young I guess. And now… they're even deeper, more mysteries added, more promises. Only they are sadder…" he sighs and I smile bitterly. Of course they are sadder.
"Now there's loneliness too… are you truly that alone Jane?"
"Aren't you?" I ask mindlessly causing another bitter sigh from him. He closes his eyes for a second and I don't remember ever seeing him so vulnerable, so lost… so beautiful.
"Kiss me!" my voice is barely a whisper.
"What?!" his eyes are wide open, yet his voice though holding shock is barely a whisper too.
"Kiss me!" I repeat gently, firmly, convincingly.
He smiles and leans in to kiss my forehead lightly but I completely surprise him by sitting up to meet his lips with mine. He draws in a sharp breath, lips trembling against mine for a second. Yes, definitely surprised, yet kissing back. He's hesitant and gentle… perhaps trying to pull away but it's a bit too late for that now. It's a light gentle kiss, testing, pushing boundaries.
He brings his hands to my shoulders to put a little distance between us.
"Jane… what…? No." Troubles being coherent? This is priceless. He means that 'no' as much as I would, I can figure that much. And for once I feel I may have the upper hand on him. And like that! A bit too much.
I don't reply, let him have whatever pieces of thought mixed with emotions I can give him, instead I pull his hands from my shoulders to my waist making him hold me then throw mine around his neck and kiss him again, fiercely. Emotion takes over, passionate, blinding, red… intoxicating, addictive. He finally tightens his grip around my waist pulling me closer, completely giving in.
It is addictive, really, being so close, warm somehow though I can't logically make that possible, we're both icy cold, breathing in each other's scent, testing, tasting. Glimpses of things I would do if given the chance take over my mind… imagined sensations, feelings… fingertips against bare skin…
"Jane…" again surprised, breath hitched, eyes smoldering, darker than usual. "Jane… what? What do think this to be Jane?" he seems a bit confused. Aro doesn't read emotion after all.
"Everything, anything… us." I whisper kissing him again, fingers running through dark, silky hair then on his temples, cheekbones, jaw.
"Jane... for heaven's sake…"
I put my fingertips against his lips to silence him.
"It's what I want, what you want, what matters." I murmur kissing him lightly. "It's what feels right, honest… true." I continue firmly. It surely feels this way. Like we can be ourselves with each other and never worry for being wrong, for being judged, for messing up. Not with each other, never. We fit together somehow; if we were to be honest with each other, with ourselves… it is quite obvious. There's no other way. Has it ever been?
"Beautiful, naïve Jane… have I not taken enough from you?" he sounds bitter. "Your life, your death, your thoughts, your memories…" his fingertips trace the outline of my cheekbones, my mouth, my chin, while his other hand holds me tight to him.
"Are you trying to learn me by heart?" I tease bringing a hand to caress his face, his neck.
"I already know you by heart! Your face…every move, every word, every smile, every frown, every gesture, every breath…" he murmurs intensely, stealing a light kiss.
"I know." I state simply. And it is the truth, I know, I knew, we both did, just never been so painfully aware of it.
"Don't let me steal more from you Jane, I am selfish and greedy enough to do so. Please don't let me destroy you!" he pleads lovingly, eyes shut tight, forehead leaned against my neck, lips on my collarbone. "Don't let me take everything from you!"
"But I want you to. Please don't be afraid, Aro." I whisper kissing the top of his head. "Trust me… I won't hurt, I won't go away… I would never… I am here, I always will be. I promise. Don't fret my love, please… just love me." I murmur desperately in his hair and the next moment I am laid on my back, his lips possessively on mine, his arms in an inescapable grasp around my waist.
"If you ever let me hurt you, if you ever do something as mindless as self sacrifice in my name… if you ever let me lose you… I'll never forgive you Jane, do you understand? I'll never forgive you! Could you go peacefully with that? Or whatever we do when we…? Could you?" His eyes are burning through my soul, his voice is trembling, and his arms only hold me tighter. And all I can think of is how I never want him to let go.
"Don't let me lose you Jane!" he kisses me, desperately. "Or, so help me, I'll make sure your soul has no rest for mine will be in torment!"
"I won't!" I whisper firmly. "I love you, I won't!"
"I am terrible am I not?" he questions kissing me again. "Threatening like a mad man, when I love you so…I will ruin you Jane, run, escape me, beautiful one! It's the only thing I know to do to those I love…"
"I am not afraid of you, only of being without you." He laughs bitterly at that.
"I know."
"Don't be afraid, I can take care of myself."
"Not against me, you can't!"
"Against you, I don't want to! Do not be afraid of us, please!" I continue lovingly as the light summer dress slides off my shoulder leaving porcelain white skin to his tender caresses.
"Afraid…?! No, Jane, no! Terrified is more appropriate." He whispers against my mouth then kisses me gently as if he fears he will break me.
And I know he's done resisting. He is mine, he's always been, he's always wanted to be but now he is also willing. And how could I be else than happy to give and take everything? Isn't this what love is all about… giving everything, taking everything and only wish to give even more in return?