My Little Pony Finance Is Magic
Warning! This story is a work of fiction and does not in any way represent the views of the author. All characters, even the ones based on actual people, are fictional as are any views expressed by them. This story contains elements that some readers may find offensive.
"Come on Twilight we been waiting here nearly half an hour isn't it time you went in"
"Spike this is Celestia's chief adviser one of the most important pony's in all of equestria. What if he doesn't like what if he does and I can't meet his expectation."
"Twilight if Celestia picked this pony I'm sure you'll be fine"
"Your right spike"
Pausing for a second Twilight nervously pressed her hoof against the door.
"Fucks sake! Just let me fucking hear this out loud because I thought someone had fucking stitched a fan to my eyes and unload a ton of diarrhea onto it when I saw this."
An iron grey earth pony with maniacal red eye's and what appeared to be a paper shredder cute mark was screaming hysterically at discord. Discord looking unabashed throw his fore hoofs up and said. "Fine I admit it I sold the camels a few innocent little Everfree seeds to pay for bear repellant. Do you want bears rubbed all over equestria? Besides I'm reformed now Celestia and Luna don't seem to mid my former misgivings."
"Don't bring Luna into this she has a much power as the battery's in rainbow dashes vibrator, we don't even bother to wake Luna up any more. And Celestia gave me this file so you are not of the hook yet honey bunch not by a long shot, now fuck off". Shrugging Discord Promptly teleported out of the office leavening a stunned silenced. After and awkward pause Twilight cleared her throat and said "Malcolm Trotter"? The grey stallion Turned around smiled "Princess Sparkle pleasure to finally meet you" he said giving Twilight a warm hoof shake every hint of rage gone. "Now I just need to brief you on this morning's agenda. There are preparations for the summer sun festival that needs your approval, you have a meeting with some Delegates from Gryphyria but first you will be giving a statement on the recent collapse of the economy".
"Err could I hear that last part one more time please". Said Twilight exchanging a worried glance with spike. "Haven't you hear equestria economy collapsed by around a trillion bits, hears your statement by the way" he said sliding a file across the desk to her. Twilight levitated it out and began to read. "Would you mind doing that on way, my next meetings due". Said Malcolm now rifling through more files. "But but how could the princess have let this happen? And why aren't they doing anything about it", Twilight stammered. The grey earth pony's eyes faired at this "The princesses are doing everything they can and more to sort this as it says in that statement. Now your job as the only non-especial component in this triarchy is to take the heat for it because you are now the living, breathing shitting short straw, congratulations". The doorbell cutting twilight off before she had a chance to respond to this. "That's my 9:10 and that means you should be out there making that statement".
"Hey stop saying those things to Twilight you big bully" said spike jumping off of twilight and snarling at Malcom. For a second Malcolm looked like he wanted to buck spike before regaining his calm domineer "Your right I'm way out of line, I mean I'm only trying to deal with international and domestic fuck up of the fucking century on the same fucking day. Now you are going to go out there, you're going to throw every greedy dragon on Fence Street under a train especially that one". He said pointing dramatically at spike who was looking a lot less confident. "You're going to say the princesses are working there hardest to fix this and then you're going to apologies for it". Twilight sighed and then said "I'll do it" magically picking up the file she turned to leave just as the doorbell rang again twice this time sound more insistent. Twilight open the door with her horn revealing prince blue blood looking disdainfully fully down at her. "You do realize you made me ring 3 times" he said. "Ring that fucking thing again and I'll shove a bell down your bell end and ring it with cheese grater your royal shitness". Malcolm shouted, Twilight walked past out of the office spike running after her. "Twilight how could you just agree to that"? Spike asked as she levitated him on to her back. "Because he's right Spike if eqestria's economy has collapse then I have to help Celestia any way I can"
"Philly's and gentle colts may I present to you the sad finding that equestria is facing a pending Recession. It is important to remember at this difficult time that the princesses are working there hardest". As twilight made the career ending speech Malcom watched from the palace veranda looking for any way the carefully written speech could be manipulated against Celestia. His glaring eyes settled on a pink pony in audience who was bouncing up and down trying to butt in. "ow ow Twilight is this like the buffalo incident where we can solve it if every pony shared and cared a little bit more"? Malcom face hoofed at this. 'Who invited the head of the shit miners' union he thought hoping twilight had an appropriate response to the childish and idiotic question. "No pinkie this financial crisis has come from the dragon's greed not the ponies, in fact where looking to bring in tighter regulations on trading".'Fucking financial crisis who told her to say that Sarah yearling'? Malcom thought now getting desperate as the more ponies began interrupting. "Princess sparkle is it not true that you employ a dragon as your assistant"? "Don't you think that now equestria has 4 princesses more could have been done to prevent this"? "Hey Twilight this isn't going to stop the equestria games because that would be 120% less cool"? Twilight took a step back looking unsure about how to respond to the torrent of questions. Meanwhile Malcom galloped back inside the palace stopping to yell at 2 of the royal guard "kill it kill the feed now" the guard pony's looking confused responded "but sir how do we"? "Go Laurel and Hardy drop a fucking piano on her" Malcom shouted. Before noticing prince Blueblood who at the sight of Malcolm started and tried to dash
Into a nearby closet although Malcolm caught him with a fore hoof round the neck before he could escape. "Blueblood, Prince Blueblood where you going? And just when I was going to give you a big fat juicy policy to announce". Said Malcolm leading the reluctant prince Blueblood to the main hall.
"And that is why this new thunder cloud control initiative will help protect ponies not only in schools but everywhere". Prince Blueblood finished to no applause. A flurry of shouted question followed as the prince walked off head held high as the journalists demanded to know why civil liberties where being sacrificed for the sake of spin.
Twilight collapsed on her bed at the palace. The press conference had not gone well despite her friend's attempts to intervene. She had of course told them about the situation beforehand but like she they had underestimated the delicate and callous nature of politics. "Ow darling I am sorry I had heard the saying Celestia controls the sun. Luna controls the moon. Malcom Trotter controls the world but I never expected him to be such a brutish individual". Rarity said petting twilight while she lay silent and desolate. Twilight gave a positive sounding grown looking up at Rarity before falling asleep.
"Have you seen the headlines"? Twilight opened her eyes to see Malcom standing over her several newspapers in his mouth which he proceeded to throw on to her "Clowns Acting on Celestia's behalf, Circus Freaks Fail to Cover up Finance Crisis, The Magic of Dipshits. Actually that one's pretty funny". Said Malcolm glowering at Twilight who pulled the bed sheets over her head. "Don't bother with that now you've been kicked upstairs" Malcom added as Twilight lowered her sheets to just below her eyes "Celestia wants you to attend a summit at the Crystal Empire". Malcom said looking out the window his fore hoofs held behind his back. "And who will be there"? Twilight said getting up "The griffins have bailed on account of the civil war so that leaves us princess Cadence, Premier Cuddles, you'll have herd all about him and the camel sheik who's name I can't pronounce". Said Malcom still looking out the window "What's the camel Sheik like" asked Twilight? "He tried to cover up Celestia with a bed sheet at the last summit now that is a true story. In fact that's why she wants nothing to do with these fuckers". Said Malcom looking back to Twilight with his trade mark do this or sell the vacuum cleaners stare. Twilight sighed then levitated the still sleeping spike on to her back and teleported to the Crystal Empire.
A day later under the Crystal Tower the world leaders meet Twilight sparkle and Malcom Trotter of Equestria, Princess Cadence and Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire, Premier Cuddles of the Killer Grizzly Bears and Ab Dab Boom Bad Sheik of the Camels. "Ahem ponies Bears and Camels let me begin the g4 summit" said Twilight Trotting up to the crystal hart to take the floor. "This is all very good but isn't the real reason you're here you're dire financial situation and demands for our resources the reason you're here"? Said Ab Dab looking to the small yet vicious looking bear for reinforcement. Premier Cuddles the great bear scratched behind his ear before adding "Da Equestria needs our resources to support its perused magical superiority". At this point Malcom trotted forward to bellow "Equestria is still at the heart of world politics or do I need to remind you how much money in foreign aid we have given you"? At this statement Premier Cuddles backed off however the Sheik looked unabashed. "Do you deny that nightmare moon was really propaganda created by the Celestia Monarchy? Or that king Sombra was really hiding in Canterlot this entire time"? The camel Sheik said looking to Twilight. "Off course we deny that because its bull shit'. Malcom said. At this the Camel Sheik ripped opened his jacked to reveal an alchemic magic bomb. Clasping the detonator in his hoof the Sheik gleefully shrieked "prepare to die princesses of the equestrian world". "Think about what you're doing Ab Du" yelled Cadence. "Get down Spike" yelled Twilight "touch that fucking thing and I'll rape your corpus, in hell"! Shouted Malcolm. Click! Streamer. Streamers bursts from the camel's suicide vest leaving the reaming attendance totally perplexed. "Now I had heard these summits needed some livening up but even I think that's a little poor taste". Said discord teleporting in as Crystal guards arrested the sheik and dragged him off for Enhanced Interrogation.
2 hours later Twilight was still passing by her door weighting for the inevitable. As if on cue Malcom bucked open the door and walked in "right the official statement is that the Sheik resigned before the summit and was acting independently of the Camels. Where's Puff the Magic Cunt Stain"? He asked noticing the absence of Twilight's dragon. "I sent him back to Equestria it's not safe for him here. So that means where not going to war"? Twilight asked looking up at the supposed good news "The New Sheik was kind enough to bribe us with some very nice trade agreement so no, where not going to war yet" Said Malcolm sounding disappointed at the loss of an opportunity. "Honestly Malcom I thought you'd be happier about having your life saved" Discord flew in after Malcolm "honestly a little appreciations wouldn't go amiss I mean I you could have let you all die horribly and it would have been your own fault for not inviting me" said Discord slapping his paw against his forehead. Malcolm looked at him in disgust before commenting "what I'm worried about is Premier Cuddles. He's vanished since the summit and now the KGB are denying any knowledge of him actually having been here" said Malcolm a deeply concerned look in his terrifying eyes. "Wait Shining Armor would have thrown up a protective shield around the tower for the summit" Twilight said Malcolm and Discord now looking very interested "and because of the emergency it will still be up so the Premier must still be here". There was a student silence finally punctuated by Discord saying "Premier Cuddles? I thought I out lawed him and his kind". Malcolm darted past Discord and out the yelling "Twilight with me, we fucking need to find that hairy ass fucker alive now"! The two ponies' galloped down the crystal hall searching for any sign of the trapped Premier. Cririk the sound echoed though crystal chamber as the muscles in the camels neck where torn apart as it was twisted out of place. Premier Cuddles stood over the body watching the rest skater. With the wave of a claw the armed escort opened fire on the rest putting hole in any pony how could have known about his involvement in the plan to end equestria. At that moment Malcolm and Twilight turned the corner and saw what was happening Shining Armor having provided them with the one location his surveillance spell could not penetrate. "Hoy fucking Joseph Shitling" Malcolm yelled diving toward the Premier. Premier Cuddles caught Malcolm and proceeded to grip him in a judo Rear naked choke before Malcolm bucked at the bear forcing him to drop him. Malcolm responded with a front hoof strike to bear's throat before biting Cuddles for paw and holding him down by it as the KGB guard closed in Twilight levitated there weapons away leaving them and their leader helpless. Days later after extensive negotiations Malcolm finally approached Discord. "Okay good news for everyone but you especial because you get to announce the next stage of our un fuck up the uberfuck up plan" he said. Discord scratching his goatee beard looked unconcerned about this with air of complete disinterest. Malcolm continued "what's the name of that show you like the one with the baled pony that's been around forever. There are loads of films that are like it but not it. It has that made up language that all that all the weirdo's speak". After an exasperated pause Discord responded "Star Swirl trek". "That's the one any way this is your chance to be like Star Swirl trek, to be like you're in Star Swirl trek. You can't pass that up"? Malcolm said staring into the Draconequus who sighted be for saying "fine I'll declare war with the gryphon resume. I really don't know why it's taken so long after all that anti free world non sense you must be losing your touch". "I have not yet invaded because this is an easy win for us so it's important that it come at right time when equestria is on its way up. So go make us look good." Malcolm said hoof wavering discord to the stand.Dear Princes Celestia Today I learned that it's important to be a good and caring politician. Even though there are some ponies who will try and put you down for it, it's important to work for what's best for Equestria and every pony and always work towards that. Your faithful student Twilight Sparkle
As Twilight tossed the scroll in her out tray she noticed Malcolm walking by her new office at the palace. "hey good job getting that asshole Cuddles to take out a massive loan form us now we can create the trillion bits we need and import there value strait from the bears and invade the gryphons unopposed" he said hoof patting Twilight on the shoulder "I think this could really be the beginning of a magical friend ship" he said grinning at Twilight. "Absolutely let's just not forget that where here to help ponies" Twilight said smiling less sincerely. "Off course not now if you don't mind I need to prepare your statement for when the bombs start falling on gryphon capital because there will be civilian casualties" said Malcolm trotting of to his office. Twilight face hoofed. "For fucks sake" she said before returning to work.