A/N: I have so many unfinished fanfics in various different genres and verses but I am making this one to practice writing straight relationships (since I'm gay) and in first person so that things work out for my own serious writing. It might get mature ratings later, but for now it will fall under T.

Sorry to the readers of my other stories, I keep abandoning you as I get you. I will eventually finish them, I just go in cycles of obsession sometimes.

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It seems as if she, like Tamaki before her, has gotten under my skin. I shake my head and finish my essay before walking to the front of the classroom to turn it in. No one will know upon reading my schoolwork that within the last paragraph I was severely reminded of Haruhi. Not only that, but I found myself smiling unintentionally at the very thought of her, having delayed my finish by what I would guess to be two whole minutes. Even Tamaki doesn't do that for me, and he had been the only one to make me smile in a way that wasn't false before. Which can only let me realize that she has more power over me than even the person that originally broke me out of my cold shell.

Of course, I could say that this was a momentary lapse, but I know that's not true. No, if I really paid attention to my own experiences, it was obvious. Perhaps I was the biggest pervert out of this group. Hadn't I all but raped Haruhi to prove a point? Why had that been the first idea to come to my head? Wasn't I the one that kept adding to her bill to keep her around? It was me who was the only one imagining Haruhi changing when Kasanoda went to apologize.

Quite simply, it seems if you repress something long enough - like sexual desires, like those fuzzy little emotions Tamaki wears on his sleeve - they come to bite you in the ass. I obviously still don't let these desires control me, I never will, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

I wait outside the class, contemplating these things even though my thoughts should be more focused on my future, on finances, on my connections. I wait for Tamaki, the originator of my happiness, as subdued as I keep it. From there we head to the third music room, early. He's rambling on about some romantic notion and all my mind is focusing on is that he, too, is thinking about Haruhi, even if he doesn't say it openly. I don't say anything about her and fully encourage his thoughts to stay fatherly and platonic in his mind, even if they aren't in his heart, because I am selfish and it benefits me if he's not dating the only girl in our crew. Both so I don't lose him and I don't lose her, and even more so so I don't have to restrain myself even more with an emotion to pile on my repressed aspects of myself. Jealousy.

I sigh and push up my glasses as I go into the back and change into the specified genre of today, elves. Not exactly sure where Tamaki got this one, but I don't argue. Girls love fantasy realms as far as I can tell and if they show up, that's all that matters. I look like an ageless elder or something, Tamaki a prince as usual. By the time we get out, we're waiting for Hunny and Mori to finish getting dressed, Mori a warrior as is his default, Hunny doesn't fit the image at all of a lithe, elegant elf so he just looks like a child version. I know that the twins will simply be elves, as beautiful as they can make themselves however, and Haruhi. Well, who cares, right?

I'm absently writing figures in my notebook, the expectations for today and accounting it in comparison to last year on this exact date. These things don't take over my mind anymore, too much of a habit. I finish that and am setting up appointments through email when Haruhi walks in, in which I force myself not to look at her. She changes and I'm almost done when she comes back. She is, apparently, some sort of seer. Everyone is complaining to her about how she didn't choose the Elven bride look. Idiots.

Perhaps it's only because I am the only one that it didn't take more than a moment to realize she was in fact not a boy, but I figure as soon as you put a dress on her or curls or makeup, her secret will be out. This is another thing I cannot let happen, because if she's no longer in the Host Club chances are I won't see her. She's too passive and I'm too cold. How very sappy of me, but of course there's the profit she brings in from being in our group as well. That will always be my default rationalization.

"What do you think, Kyoya? Shouldn't she dress as a girl one of these times?"

"Haruhi should do whatever she feels works for her." Did I really just say that? "It makes little difference to me, and the customers will respond best if she's content." Well, better at least.

Hunny's looking at me, so is Haruhi. I turn back to my computer with a forced look of indifference on my face. The twins and Tamaki are bickering amongst themselves and eventually Hunny looks away. She's still looking at me, I can feel her eyes on me and I can hear her light footsteps, another dead giveaway that she's female.

"Thanks Kyoya-sempai. They listen to you." She was smiling, I knew before I even dared to look at her. Her smile was always so free.

"Of course. It's only in the best interest of the Host Club that your gender not become public knowledge." It sounded good, but it felt wrong. She nodded and went off to make some tea or coffee, depending on what our 'King' wanted. That bothered me a little, I was slightly annoyed by how she handled Tamaki. She listened to him, and knew how to deal with him. Tamaki had won Haruhi over in the same way he had me, and that was a scary thought to me. He obviously likes her, same with Kaoru and Hikaru. Hunny and Mori don't show much sign of it, but it's not impossible.

I turn to her, absently putting my finger to glasses in thought. She has her back to me and all I can think of is if she likes any of them back, or even someone else. I'm calm and collected but I'm a dangerous person. I don't know what would happen if someone actually took the step to date her. Kasanoda was one thing, it was obvious because she didn't know them. Hikaru even on that vacation, he was too self centered at the time, too close to Kaoru, But that's changed a bit, and if they were to go out now, her friendliness wouldn't be the thing charging the whole ordeal.

But it's always been me making observations about how things might blossom into love concerning her.

It's always me making excuses.

Making threats.

Interesting.

But now wasn't the time to think about that, the customers are showing up. I know that tonight I'll be thinking things through until morning, no doubt imagining things I have no business imagining.