Disclaimer: I am definitely not owning Rwby.
Okay, what can I say about this fic except that it's just meant to be stupid entertainment? Nothing really, except that you really shouldn't take anything in this fic seriously at all and that I got the idea from Murphy Sl4w (the guy that sometimes appears as my beta). Well, just the whole Ozpin reincarnates into Salem idea, the rest is all mine. Anyways, have fun.
Edit: Well, I got three opinions, let the story stay like it is, change it and do a middle thing so yeah, not really a clear result. So I decided to do the middle way thing because that seems most agreeable. If you guys do not like the changes just let me know and I will change it back again. Same thing if you think that I should maybe add more lines then I did.
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Salem was elated, finally her plans were coming to fruition. Even if Cinder's failure in the end had been regrettable. It wouldn't be long now until she could finally take revenge, for him, for her, for them.
''Why hello there.''
Even after all this time she still sometimes felt as if she could hear his voice.
''No, I am pretty sure I am actually here. Say, you wouldn't happen to have a cup of nice hot cocoa ready?''
What the hell?
''Well that is a rather rude way to greet me.''
No, no, no, no, no, that couldn't be. She was dreaming, yes she was still asleep, soon she would wake up.
''Well, you were always quite the heavy sleeper.''
''Ozpin?''
''The one and only.''
... well fuck.
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''So you are telling me, that when Cinder killed you, you happened to reawaken in my body this time?''
''Do you think to have Cinder kill me counts as domestic violence?''
She could feel a headache coming.
''Well that isn't good, you know what would help, a good cup of cocoa.''
''I am not getting a cup of cocoa Ozpin.''
''Where has the love gone?''
She raised her eyebrow.
''Do you really want me to answer that?''
She had clearly forgotten who she was talking with.
''Yes actually. I mean, there were a few small mishaps-''
''Small mishaps?''
''Why yes. But really, every relationship goes through their little problems.''
''You are aware that I am doing this for the two of us right?''
''Well, I actually prefer to exist, so our opinions might differ a bit on that.''
Wait, was he thinking that she wanted to erase the world?
''Oh no, I don't. But I also know how it went the last time you tried to take on the gods.''
''Would you mind at least waiting for me to speak before answering?''
''I like to keep things fresh, helps with being bored.''
''Really, being bored?''
''Of course, I have absolutely no idea how you can live in such a dreadful place.''
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
''You are responsible for a school full of teenagers.''
Ozpin did not seem to share her opinion.
''Wich is very entertaining I assure you. Why, just this year I had the idea to simply catapult the new students into the forest, it was hilarious.''
Come again?
''... You catapulted students into a forest?''
But Ozpin just continued as if he was simply talking about the weather.
''Oh yes, tough Glynda didn't like it very much, she really needs to loosen up.''
''Yes, because why would she ever worry about you trying to kill your students?''
''Don't be so overdramatic, they all survived, even that kid without Aura. That was quite impressive actually now that I think about it.''
Did she really hear him right there?
''How can someone without Aura even get into Beacon?''
''Well, he faked his documents of course.''
''... Then why did you even let him in?''
She could practically feel Ozpin mentally shrugging his shoulders.
''Eh, I thought it would be funny.''
''...''
''What? It was.''
''Why are you even allowed to be Headmaster?''
''Hell if I know, have you seen the teachers I hired?''
Thankfully not.
''Or how you are trying to kill off your own students?''
''I already told you that he is fine. Hell, he even managed to attract Pyrrah Nikos, I would call that very fortunate, she is quite the catch.''
Oh, quite the catch wasn't she, maybe she should take care of that girl.
''Jealous?''
''...No.''
''You know that I am in your head right?''
''I hate you.''
''Evidently not.''
She would still take care of that girl, just because she felt like it, no jealousy at all.
''If it helps, I can assure you that chances are quite good she is dead already. Didn't Cinder tell you anything about what happened?''
''I kinda stopped listening halfway through. Her constant tries to explain how she lost against a little girl started to bore me.''
Honestly, the groveling thing got tired really fast.
''Well, to be entirely fair, miss Roses eyes are quite the bullshit.''
''Where do they come from anyways?''
''Eh, somewhere... probably.''
''... How have I not won yet?''
''Isn't one of your most trusted subordinates a guy that wants to destroy the world out of love for his sister who gave her life defending it?''
''... fair enough.''
''And not only that, he is blaming me for her death, can you believe that?''
''With every second more.''
''I mean really, how was I supposed to know that this file was that important?''
''Was it marked as important?''
''Well yes, but really, almost everything is these days. I really can't be expected to keep up with all that.''
''So it was your fault after all.''
''Debatable. I mean really, if you run around with a fucking flamethrower ax you should be ready to face a few more Grimm than expected.''
''How many are a few?''
''About 5 to 10...''
Surprisingly he seemed to be right for once.
''Well, that really isn't all that much.''
''... Deathstalkers.''
''...''
''I stand by my point.''
''Of course you do.''
...
...
''Soooo, about that cocoa.''
''Will you shut up if I drink one?''
''Would you believe me if I say yes?''
''No.''
''Well, that makes the question quite needless doesn't it?''
And the headache was back again.
''Why did I ever fall in love with you again?''
''I believe it was my dashing looks and overwhelming personality.''
Yeah, overwhelming was one word for it.
''To be fair, it's not like you are without your flaws.''
''But I also do not invade my spouses head to take over their body.''
''It's not like I chose you to be my next host. Or that I will take over your body.''
He wasn't?
''But isn't that how it works?''
''I mean yeah, I can take them over but I don't have to.''
''Then why do you?''
''I mean, do you know how awkward it is to be stuck in someone's head when he needs to go to the toilet or even have sex?''
''... so you do it to protect their privacy?''
''Yes.''
''By killing them?''
''... I admit that my system has a few flaws.''
''Sure, a few.''
''Oh, as if you are any better.''
''Excuse me? I defeated you, I even managed to kill your last body.''
''I am still not done with this domestic abuse thing.''
''So tell me, how am I not any better?''
''Well, have you ever looked at how long you needed for all that? We have been around for centuries and only now you managed to achieve anything of note.''
Okay, now that was just unfair of him.
''It was hard to act without arousing your suspicions, you were a very dangerous opponent after all.''
''I really wasn't. Hell, the most noteworthy thing I did in the last decade was to turn those two Branwen siblings into birds.''
''Why did you... nevermind, you thought it would be funny right?''
''Their names were Qrow and Raven, what do you want me to do, not turn them into birds?''
He had a point there.
''Of course I do, I always have a point.''
''You got a girl killed because you were too lazy to do your paperwork.''
''I said that I always have a point, not that those points are good.''
As nice as it was to talk to Ozpin again after such a long time they still had a problem to solve.
''Your unreasonable refusal to procure a cup of cocoa?''
''... What we are going to do now.''
''What do you mean?''
How infuriating could that man be?
''Wellll-''
''I didn't want an answer Oz. Back to the topic, the world. You know my plans and I know yours. We stand on opposite sides, this situation doesn't change that.''
''Eh, I don't really care.''
''...you don't?''
''I mean, the brothers are kinda at fault for all this shit.''
''Then why do you oppose me?''
''I believe I already pointed out that I quite like existing.''
''I could totally kill the brothers.''
''Last time you had all of humanity on your side and look how that turned out.''
''Insignificant losses.''
''I would argue about the entire world population counting as insignificant. On that note, didn't the Brothers kill every single human except you as punishment?''
''Yes, why?''
''Well, did you ever notice that Humanity still exists?''
''That... is a fair point actually.''
''I know right? Same with the Faunus.''
''What is wrong with them?''
''I mean, where do they even come from?''
''I don't know, they suddenly appeared one day didn't they?''
''Species do not suddenly appear Salem. Hey do you think someone saw a dog one day and thought-''
''Don't you dare finish that sentence.''
''Just speculating here.''
And people said that she had a sick mind.
''Back to the topic on hand. You want to tell me that you are not going to try and stop me?''
''I mean, if you insist on it I can let you be. I just figured to let bygones be bygones and not risk wiping out all of existence.''
''Bygones?''
''I am a very forgiving person, something Hazel really should make sure to take note of.''
''I thought it wasn't your fault?''
''Eh, details.''
''So, to draw a conclusion. We were ripped apart for centuries because you couldn't be bothered to properly take things seriously?''
''You make me sound pretty bad here.''
''... I am so sorry for that.''
''Apology accepted. See, forgiving.''
''I swear, if I didn't love you I would-''
''-hurt yourself?''
''... right, forgot about that.''
''Where does all that violent behavior come from anyway?''
''You mean besides finding out that I could have spent the last few centuries with my Husband if he wasn't so much of a dick?''
''Well, that does sound like a reason, but yes, I mean besides that.''
''Well, there is still my hate for the gods, the incompetence of my subordinates and the fact that the last time we shared a bed was centuries ago.''
''That does sound pretty bad, why, there were even wars caused by nothing else than sexual frustration.''
''No there weren't.''
''Miss Belladonnas Books would disagree with you.''
''... Are you stealing your students porn?''
''That makes it sound so wrong, I prefer unknowingly borrowing it for an unspecified time frame without guarantee of return.''
''... So you are stealing your students porn.''
''Essentially.''
''You truly are the perfect role model.''
''Hey, you shouldn't just dismiss this fine literature like that. I have found it to be very interesting and extremely helpful.''
Oh, so they were helpfull, where they?
''Helpful with what exactly?''
''... I probably shouldn't have said that.''
''I am waiting Ozpin.''
''I mean, in the end it will profit you?''
''You don't even have a body anymore.''
''Forgiveness is a virtue?''
She just raised one eyebrow.
''Right, didn't think that one would work... shit happens?''
''Well, it didn't happen to me.''
''And I truly appreciate that. It just shows what an absolutely wonderful and dedicated wife you truly are.''
''... Are you trying to talk your way out of this by complimenting me?''
''Is it working?''
''... maybe.''
It was time to make the situation clear once and for all.
''Well then Ozpin, the only man I ever loved-''
''You are not gonna let go of that anytime soon are you?''
''-does that mean that I can continue on with my plans without your interference now?''
''Yes.''
''Without you constantly butting in?''
''Not a chance.''
... well, one out of two wasn't that bad. In the end they were together again and that was all she needed.
''Still waiting for that cocoa.''
She just couldn't for the life of her figure out why.
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Well folks, that was it. I don't really have anything more to say. Wait, one thing. I know that someone will probably want to point out that Ozpin likes coffee and not cocoa but no, I checked the wiki, it says that it is cacao he is drinking. Which is, of course, the undoubtedly superior choice anyways. I mean honestly, who would prefer a cup of disgusting coffee over the deliciousness that is a good cup of cocoa?
As always every review is welcome.
This story has not been beta read yet.