A TBBT story set after The Werewolf Transformation but before The Monster Isolation.
The Primate War: Man versus Monkey
Rated M
"Thin ice, mister! You are on exceedingly thin ice! If I told you once, I told you a thousand times! As long as you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules!"
Standing just outside and ready to knock on Amy's door, Leonard quickly pulled his balled fist back, the yelling coming from inside from the neurobiologist's apartment made him suddenly unsure and hesitant to knock.
"Oh, no no! Don't you dare give me that big-eyed-I'm-the-victim-look! I will wash that look right off your face!"
Amy's closed door was now like Pandora's Box – and Leonard was positive he didn't want to know what was going on behind it. He had been unpleasantly surprised, some would say scarred, by Amy's and Sheldon's games before. Amy dressed as Nurse Chapel from Star Trek and scanning her Tricorder over a prone Sheldon was one example. The time Sheldon was dressed in lederhosen and Amy was dressed as a pretzel while they both be-bopped to Bavarian oompah music was another.
"Don't test me, mister! You know I will do it! I will lock you up in that cage! Don't make me do it! You better start listening to Mommy!"
Horrified, Leonard took a full step away from the door.
Locking up in cages?! Mommy?! Jesus, Sheldon! What sick shit are you into?!
Leonard glanced longingly down the hallway towards the exit as he wrestled with the decision of running away or not.
"You know you are not allowed to roll around in the garbage and drink water from the toilet!"
Relief washed over him. Thank God! It's definitely not Sheldon then.
Still queasy with hesitancy, Leonard gave three soft knocks on the door. Putting on his best reassuring smile, hopefully and effectively masking the 'uneasy-absolutely-sure-I-really-and-truly-do-not-want-to-know-what's-going-on' uncertainty that was currently swirling his insides.
After the sound of turning locks, the door quickly opened and a rumpled, frustrated, and unsmiling Amy peeked out over the chain-lock of the small opening created by the door and the jamb.
"Hey, Amy!"
"Hello, Leonard. You look ill. Are you nauseated?" The narrow view of Amy's face questioned him from behind the chain.
Leonard's fake smile fell. I will definitely need to practice that.
"No! No! I just heard some yelling coming from behind your door. Is everything all right?"
The door closed quickly and Leonard heard the sliding chain unlatch.
Amy opened the door. "Yes. Everything's fine. No! No! It's not," she started to cry as Leonard entered the room.
"Amy! What's wrong?" Leonard asked as he closed the door.
"It's all a mess! Everything's a mess!" Amy bawled.
Leonard looked desperately around the small apartment. He wasn't sure how to handle a crying Amy. Hell, even after all their time together, he wasn't sure how to handle a crying Penny. Feeling like a drowning man, he metaphorically grabbed for the one and only lifeline he saw floating on his turbulent sea.
"Is Sheldon here?" He asked, his panic rising as he felt himself slipping under the waves.
"No! He got tired of sitting here while I gathered my research. He took the bus to the train store," Amy wailed as she blew her nose into a tissue.
Yep. That's it. The lifeline slipped from his grasp and now he's officially underwater.
OK. OK. You can do this. Take a deep breath, one step at a time.
"Amy! Just tell me what's wrong! I'm sure we can make it right. And who were you yelling at?"
"It's just everything! Everything's gone wrong! The transmission on my car went, it will cost thousands to repair and I'll be without transportation for days! And I'll be homeless! The apartment management chose now to replace the carpets and the glue that they use is insufferable! I'll be having respiratory difficulties for weeks! I have this huge research presentation to give and I'm having trouble collecting and collating all the data! And Enrico is exasperating! Beyond difficult!"
"Now, Amy! That's all right! That's why I'm here. I'll drive you anywhere you want to go while your car is being repaired, or even better, you can use mine anytime you want. And you are not homeless! You'll be staying with Sheldon and me."
Amy looked at Leonard, tears running down her cheeks. "Sheldon says we can't share a room."
"And that's fine! Look at it this way. You'll be together all night and you can use this chance to continue your involuntary memory experiments on Sheldon."
This produced a small smile from Amy.
"I can even give you some ideas. At night, Sheldon will tap Morse code messages to me through the wall. You can sleep in my room and you can surprise him with some coded messages of your own."
"Oh, Leonard! That's so sweet! A wonderful idea! You'd give up your bed for me?"
"Sure! I've slept on the sofa plenty of times, or maybe … I can even stay with Penny."
Amy gave a bright smile. "So it's a win-win."
"Exactly! As for your research, there's no hurry. Collect it now. Gather what you need," Leonard said as he consulted his watch, "we have plenty of time before we have to get to The Cheesecake Factory. We have to wait for Sheldon to return anyway."
"Thank you, Leonard. I do feel better now."
Leonard smiled. Making things right! Providing comfort! I am so good at this!
"And both Sheldon and Howard are very good with all types of software. I'm sure they can help you with Enrico."
"Oh, no. Enrico is not software. He's one of the monkeys in my addiction studies. That's who I was yelling at."
Leonard followed Amy's outstretched hand as she pointed behind him. Turning, Leonard spotted the tiny white fur face and dark muzzle of a squirrel monkey looking back at him. Blinking sadly and cocooned in a pile of soft towels, he sat on Amy's desk. Making soft chittering vocalizations, the thick grey fur of his coat stood up in little spikes as if it were wet. A yellow furred arm shot out from the swaddle of cloth, pulling it closer to him as if he were cold.
"Awww! Look at him! He's so cute!"
"Oh no! Don't let him fool you, Leonard. He has his 'victim face' on. He's very manipulating. And Enrico has been a very bad little monkey," Amy scolded, shaking a finger and her voice rising as she approached the tiny simian. "Enrico's been very bad, hasn't he? Rolling in the garbage and playing in the toilet water! Making Mommy stop her research to give bad Enrico a bath!"
Enrico chittered sadly, pulling the towel over his head, trying to hide from angry Amy.
"Is Sheldon OK with Enrico being at our apartment?"
"No. No, he's not. It is another task that we have to accomplish this evening. I have to drop Enrico off at a colleague's house."
"Yeah, sure. That won't be a problem," Leonard said as he extended his hand towards Enrico, his fingertip brushing against his thick coat. "Wow! He is so soft. Hey, little fella," Leonard said with a smile in his voice.
The monkey chittered happily as Leonard stroked his fur. Reaching for Leonard's hand and then quickly leaping from the security of the towels, the tiny primate ran up his arm and sat quietly on his shoulder.
"Leonard, I think you have no appreciation of how wonderful Enrico's actions are. He has taken quite a liking to you. Squirrel monkeys are usually not this vocal and he has been purring and chittering at you since you arrived."
"Well that's because we're both handsome, wild beasts from the jungle," he cooed, petting the monkey. "Isn't that right, Enrico?"
"No. I think the more accurate answer would be that he can sense your position as a submissive male and is trying to show dominance over you to emphasize his higher status. The dominant male in squirrel monkey society will direct their actions in the face of a passive male by spreading his thighs and displaying his erect penis."
As the agile monkey began to dance around the physicist's face and shoulders, Leonard screamed.
"What?!"
"Or perhaps Enrico is trying to form a male-male alliance with you wherein the males participate in joint genital displays."
"All right. That's it. Enough," Leonard said as he tried to grab the tiny creature as it ran around his shoulders. "There's going to be no genitals displayed."
"That's unfortunate," Amy offered sadly. "I could have recorded it."
Leonard succeeded in catching Enrico and gently handed him over to the neurobiologist. "Amy, didn't you say something about collecting your research," Leonard offered, desperately trying to get the image of monkey penile displays out of his head.
"Oh, yes! I've got some textbooks and periodicals in my storage locker in the basement. Do you mind if I go down and take an accounting of all my reference materials?"
"No. Please. Take your time."
"I'll just put Enrico in his cage."
As if knowing what Amy said, the monkey gave a sorrowful wail and looked at Leonard with big, sad, pleading eyes.
Leonard's tender heart swelled and he suddenly felt bad for the monkey. "Ah, Amy. If it's all right with you, Enrico can stay out with me. I'll keep an eye on him."
"Thank you, Leonard," Amy said as she grabbed her keys. "I'm just heading down to the basement. I'll be back shortly," she said as placed Enrico on the sofa. "Make yourself at home. There are sodas and some snacks in the kitchen."
Enrico watched as Amy exited. The tiny soft metal on metal 'snict' sound that was created as the cam entered the latch, signaling that the door was closed, made Enrico's eyes glitter. His gaze immediately turned to Leonard.
Leonard watched as Enrico's expression quickly changed from big eyed innocence to a wicked gleam. The monkey stared intensely at the man like an apex predator who liked to eat his prey alive ... and preferably screaming.
Keenly feeling the shift, Leonard slowly walked backward into the kitchen as the passive primate eyed the dominant primate warily. "I'm just going to get something to drink," he quietly informed Enrico.
Once in the kitchen, Leonard spotted some cans of Classic Coke in the refrigerator.
After removing a can, and resting his back against the countertop, Leonard watched Enrico watching him. Trying to distract himself from the fierce monkey-gaze, the physicist scanned the small area and spotted an open bag of Cheetos, some of which had been poured into a bowl. Leonard fiddled with the bag, closing the top, just as his fingernail found the soda tab and lifted it. The distinctive pop-fizz sound of the opening of the can was like ringing the dinner bell to Enrico. He knew that sound. With amazing speed, the arboreal monkey jumped and flew across the room, and in two leaps, landed in the kitchen. Skittering up Leonard's arm to once again perch on his shoulder, Enrico made soft purring sounds as he watched intensely as Leonard lifted the can to his lips.
"You like soda, do you? Well, you're not getting any from me. I don't know what your diet is but I don't think Amy would appreciate you having any," Leonard said, as he finished closing the bag of Cheetos and slid the bowl further back on the counter, out of harm's way.
Desperately wanting the sugared sweetness of the soda, Enrico began to dart his sharp-clawed paws at Leonard's face and mouth as he tried to wrestle the delicious soda from the physicist.
"Hey! Stop that!" Leonard sputtered as he dodged the monkey onslaught to his face, causing some of the soda to spill from the can. Putting the Coca-Cola down on the countertop, Leonard uselessly tried to grab the frustrated and agile simian as he deftly bounced around his arms and shoulders.
Frustrated that the beta male was not taking a clue and submitting, Enrico's instinctive brain came up with a plan that had always served him well: confrontation. Leaping onto the countertop, Enrico turned and hissed at Leonard in fury, his sharp teeth bared, and made a dash for the bowl of Cheetos. Grabbing a handful of the bright orange cheese flavored puffs, Enrico screeched and began to throw them quickly at Leonard.
Cheetos flew around the small kitchen like confetti. The monkey's aim was pretty good. Cheetos bounced off of Leonard's glasses and his forehead. Trying to dodge the bizarre missiles as he charged forward, Leonard made another grab for the agitated monkey.
Artfully bobbing and weaving like a NFL running back, Enrico skillfully avoided Leonard's hands. However, Enrico's keen sense of smell suddenly alerted him to the cheesy goodness that he had been carelessly throwing around the room. After taking a hesitant sniff of the snack wrapped in his paw, the monkey found it delightful and greedily gobbled the puffed snack in three bites. Finding it to his liking, Enrico grabbed an armful and quickly ate a second one.
"Oh no you don't," Leonard scolded as he reached over and grabbed the bowl, causing Enrico to snarl. "I'm positive Cheetos aren't native to the jungle and therefore you shouldn't be eating them … and, uh, nobody really should," he added softly as an afterthought.
As Leonard turned to put the snack bowl in an upper cabinet and safely out of the monkey's reach, Enrico's eyes glittered as now the beta's back was turned and the delicious can of soda was unattended. Keeping a wary eye on the surprisingly challenging submissive male, Enrico made a mad dash for the soft drink. Having to drop his precious Cheetos so he could lift the soda, the monkey hefted the can and guzzled several mouthfuls.
After securing the bowl of Cheetos, Leonard turned to see Enrico noisily drinking the cola, the brown liquid spilling down his fur and on the countertop.
"Oh no! Sugar and caffeine! This cannot be good! Amy will be so pissed!"
As Leonard made an offensive play to commandeer the can, (i.e. reaching over trying to grab it) Enrico realized that he was in serious danger of losing his prized possession. Determined to keep his treasure and fend off the interloper, Enrico stood to his full height and screeched a high-pitched scream that Leonard likened to the sound of fingernails scraping down a slate chalkboard.
Cringing from his blood curdling, Leonard removed his hands from over his ears when the shrill banshee-like wail ended.
"All right! That's it! I've had enough! You're going back in your cage," Leonard yelled, pointing at the monkey, as if to insure Enrico he knew was him to whom the physicist was referring.
But getting the monkey back into his cage was easier said than done.
Currently highly agitated and alternating between hissing at Leonard and swiping at him with his sharp paw while sloshing down soda, Enrico was ably defending his prize. Leonard hesitated, suddenly unsure how to safely corral the tiny but ferocious beast.
Leonard then spotted a red dishcloth and, in a vintage French mustard jar that held kitchen utensils, salad tongs.
Grabbing the cloth and the tongs, a plan formed in Leonard's mind as he watched the snarling, highly caffeinated monkey. The plan: throw the cloth over Enrico, disabling him, and then capture him between the pincers of the tongs. Holding Enrico (and his sharp teeth and claws) as far away from him as possible, he'd dash across the apartment and deposit him into his cage.
"Good plan, it's a good plan," Leonard mumbled as he tried to convince himself. Opening the cloth to its full rectangular shape, he tossed it.
It missed, falling at Enrico's feet.
Quickly retrieving the cloth, Leonard threw it a second time.
"Yes," he yelled as Enrico and the soda can were completely enrobed in red cloth from head to toe.
But the success was short lived as the enraged simian quickly removed the offensive rag. Infuriated at the sight of usurping beta, the dangling red cloth and how quickly they both incapacitated him, Enrico responded in kind. With one of his long arms wrapped protectively around the soda can, the monkey reached over to a cutlery holder and pulled out a knife.
Leonard gasped.
Like a tiny D'Artagnan, Enrico charged Leonard, wielding the knife. There was the 'tink' of metal on metal as knife and salad tong engaged. But as strength and a longer reach were on Leonard's side, with a small but forceful thwack, Enrico was quickly divested of the weapon.
"Yes! Ha! Ha! Take that," Leonard cheered and did a small dance at his fencing supremacy. "I'm the man! I'm the …," but his gloating and victory dance were both cut short when Enrico threw the soda can at him. It was a direct hit; cold soda splashed up his neck and down his chest.
"Son of a bitch!" Leonard cursed as he looked down at his saturated t-shirt and hoodie.
With a happy screech and taking a random Cheeto that was laying on the countertop, Enrico placed it between his lips like a cigarette. Then the small grey and yellow monkey quickly jumped over to Amy's breakfast bar. A second leap brought him to the back of her sofa. His third leap across the room had him land on the neck of Amy's harp. After eating the Cheeto that was dangling from his lips, Enrico moved rapidly, his paws quickly gliding over the elegant wood instrument, looking for insects.
With the images running through his head of what the misbehaving monkey's jagged teeth and claws could do the fine wood, Leonard raced across the room screaming.
"No, Enrico! No! Not the harp!"
Too late.
Leonard's plea came just as the monkey did what the experimental physicist beseeched him not to: Enrico opened his mouth and his sharp teeth dug a deep gouge down the graceful neck of the harp. Seeing the beta male rushing at him, Enrico did a quick search of the splintered wood for any insects. Finding none, he launched himself across the room, over Leonard's head.
When Leonard saw the monkey in mid-air, it was as if everything had slowed down, and he could see the monkey moving in slow motion. Observing Enrico's trajectory, the physicist quickly calculated the inclination angle with the horizontal distance to predict the optimal intercept point. Making an impressive turn and perpendicular run to cut off the currently highly caffeinated, sugar buzzed simian, Leonard's computations were spot on.
However, his physicality was not.
With his eye on the aerial monkey, Leonard didn't see the arm of the sofa. He was clipped in the thigh, his right leg going out from underneath him, sending him head over heels.
Then Leonard spanked the monkey.
Mid-tumble, Leonard's flailing hand came in contact with the monkey's butt, giving it a good swat, causing Enrico to squeak in surprise. The physicist's hand was the badminton racket, the monkey's butt was the shuttlecock. The monkey's forward momentum and velocity increased. The butt thwack sent Enrico careening across the room, causing him to collide into Amy's computer. Enrico finally came to a stop after sliding across the desk, sending a pile of neatly stacked research papers, some books, a stapler, and a gooseneck lamp clattering to the floor. The computer wobbled backwards so now it was tipped precariously against the wall.
Somersaulting over the arm of the sofa, Leonard did an inglorious plummet, crash landing in a painful belly-flop on the carpet. Gasping, Leonard slid his arm between the floor and his body, holding his chest, trying to catch his breath.
Only slightly stunned, Enrico quickly shook off the collision with Amy's computer. While he watched the beta male moving feebly on the floor and listened to his wheezing and soft groaning, Enrico busied himself by scratching his privates.
Itching relieved, a cup that survived his sliding skid across the desk got Enrico's full attention. Filled with pens, pencils, and markers, he started pulling out the writing implements, inspecting them briefly before throwing them around the room javelin style. He found that a fat black magic marker was very much to his liking. Quickly working off the cap with his little human-like hands, Enrico launched himself into the air with a screech.
And landed on the circulating blades of the ceiling fan.
Comfortably sitting and chittering happily while riding the blades of the ceiling fan as they circled, Enrico held the tip of the magic marker against the white ceiling as he turned, leaving a thick trail of indelible black magic marker against the white paint.
Somewhat recovered, Leonard rolled over onto his back only to see the monkey riding on the ceiling fan, creating spin art.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" Leonard yelled as he looked up at the mass of squiggly black concentric circles.
Seeing the very rapid destruction of Amy's apartment, Leonard sprung into action. Body throbbing, he eased himself off of the floor and limped into the kitchen. He retrieved the hidden bowl of Cheetos from the kitchen cabinet. Finding it somewhat depleted from when Enrico was throwing them around earlier, Leonard refilled it from the bag, fashioning them into a luscious mound.
Retuning to Amy's desk and opening the bottom drawer, Leonard carefully positioned a tempting trail of the bright orange snacks in a path that led straight to the desk. After carefully balancing a final Cheeto on the lip of the open drawer, Leonard stood under the fan and held the bowl high over his head.
"Here! Enrico! You like these!" Leonard yelled up to the spinning monkey, waving the succulent bowl of cheese puffs for him to see. "Come and get them!"
Looking down, Enrico saw the mouthwatering fare in Leonard's outstretched hand. After throwing the marker at the beta, he leaped off the fan and fell onto Amy's sofa with a 'plop'. Intrigued and enticed, Enrico jumped down from the sofa and began to follow the tempting trail of Cheetos across the floor.
Quickly placing the bowl in the bottom drawer, Leonard quietly stood back and watched as the monkey ate, crunching his way up the trail, closer to the open drawer.
Holding his breath, he hoped the monkey would take the bait.
The little line of Cheetos was history and now the greedy monkey jumped onto the open the drawer and took the lone Cheeto that was carefully positioned on the lip. Once perched there, he spied the mother lode, the bowl of snack food deliciousness, sitting in the bottom of the drawer. With a happy screech, Enrico dived in.
With speed he didn't know he was capable of, Leonard ran forward and slammed the drawer shut, finally capturing the hell-raising monkey.
"Gotcha!" Leonard screamed too loudly, thrilled that the larger brained, more highly evolved primate had bested the smaller brained instinctive one. Leonard threw his fists in the air over his head a la Rocky and cheered. "Yes! That's one for those of us who climbed down from the trees … bitch," he added due to the rare feeling of supremacy coursing through him.
But Leonard's joy had the life expectancy of a Cheeto in Enrico's presence: not very long.
Piercing shrieks came from the inside the desk followed by loud thuds as a panicked Enrico threw himself against the sides of the drawers in a frenzy.
Leonard's jollies were quickly squashed as his elation at the monkey's capture evaporated. Fearing for the valuable research monkey, Leonard had a vision of himself pulling the limp and bloodied body of Enrico out of the drawer while Amy screamed in despair.
The image was vivid, the guilt was overpowering.
"Oh my God! Enrico," Leonard yelled as he opened the drawer and looked in.
And got hit in face with the thrown Cheetos bowl.
Hitting Leonard on the brow, it smashed just above his right eye before ricocheting off his head. Filled with Cheetos, the cheese puffs flew around the room like an orange blizzard, some landing in his hair.
"Jesus!" Leonard yelled, wobbling backwards, holding his hand over his painfully throbbing and rapidly swelling eye. "Can this get any worse?!"
It was about to.
Staggering, Leonard slipped on the books that had fallen from the desk. Clumsily trying to regain his balance, he tripped over the gooseneck lamp. Falling backwards, he cracked the back of his head on Amy's glass topped desk. The computer that was listing against the wall shifted and it fell to the floor in an irreparable harm, fatal crash.
Dazed and unable to move, Leonard lay on the floor, surrounded by Cheetos and the wreckage of his battle with Enrico. His head and eye throbbing, he just lay there, looking at Enrico's abstract expressionist work on the ceiling, feeling the room spin while trying not to throw-up.
Despite his very short association with the monkey, Leonard was well acquainted with Enrico's throwing arm. Hindsight being 20/20, as he watched Enrico eat his way up the trail of Cheetos, he did reflect on the tiny moment when he placed the bowl in the drawer and remembered thinking that it could potentially become weaponized in the clever monkey's hands.
Yep.
It was clear.
He couldn't out-think a monkey.
The embarrassment, pain, dizziness, and nausea combined and were overwhelming. In an attempt to will the unwelcome and unwanted sensations away, Leonard closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing.
Peeking out of the drawer, Enrico spotted the beta male quietly laying on the floor. Carefully climbing out while gathering some Cheetos in each hand, Enrico moved quickly towards the beta and jumped on Leonard's chest. Despite displaying his most dominant and aggressive behaviors, the submissive was rather challenging and clearly did not know his place. The instincts of his species, honed over the millennias, began to permeate the monkey's brain. Exerting and establishing his dominance in a ritualistic act, Enrico spread his thighs and displayed his erect penis.
Leonard felt the thud and then the small pressure on his sternum and heard the crunching of Cheetos when Enrico landed on his chest.
Oh my God! What now?
Leonard warily opened his eyes only to see Enrico's erect penis in his face.
"Waaaaahhh!" Leonard screamed as he exploded into action. He threw his arm up, hitting Enrico in the side and sent the monkey flying across the room. He then shot up from his prone position and tried to stand. But his blood pressure didn't appreciate the quick position change. The room began to spin crazily and Leonard fell to his hands and knees, breathing heavily, as he desperately tried not to faint.
I can't do this … I can't do this … I have to get Amy.
As if on cue, he heard feminine voices in the hallway. Forcing himself to stand, with his head swimming and the room off-kilter, he staggered towards the door.
"Amy! Amy!" Leonard yelled as he stood wavering at the closed door, desperately holding onto the knob to keep upright as he struggled with the multiple locks.
Distracted as he was while battling the locks, nausea, and a near faint, Leonard never noticed the gentle lift of the back of his pant leg. He didn't know that Enrico, after carefully inspecting the material that wrapped around his limb, found the dark crawl space enticing. Lifting the material, the monkey put his head and shoulders in and entered.
The ticklish sensation that he felt on his calf as Enrico climbed his leg barely registered. Leonard became fully aware that the monkey was in his pants when he crossed over his thigh and kept climbing higher towards his groin.
Leonard gasped as he was instantly flooded with visions of Enrico's sharp teeth and what they had done to Amy's harp and a multitude of Cheetos. And now those jagged pearly whites were within striking distance of his twig and berries.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Amy! Amy!" Leonard screamed as he struggled with the door.
The locks finally gave and the door opened.
Racing in a blinding panic, Leonard burst into the hallway and stood looking at two very startled twenty-somethings, a buxom blonde and generously-endowed redhead, neither one Amy.
"HE'S IN MY PANTS! HE'S IN MY PANTS!" Leonard screamed wildly at the beautiful young women. He was a flurry of movement, dancing and twitching around the hallway trying to shake Enrico loose.
"Pervert," said the redhead.
"Creep," said the blonde.
"Loser," added the redhead.
In desperation, Leonard unbuckled his pants and let them fall to the floor. There was a huge bulge at his groin.
The redhead was unfazed. "You just earned some pepper spray, freak," she said as she started to rifle through her pocketbook.
Just then, a keening, shrill scream came from Leonard's underwear.
All eyes turned to his boxers just as Enrico's twirling and screaming head suddenly popped out from Leonard's fly.
Leonard screamed.
The redhead and blonde both screamed and grabbed onto one another.
Eyes wide and blinking furiously while shrieking and chittering madly with his sharp teeth gnashing, Enrico's head moved spasmodically around the hole while rotating from side to side. The monkey then proceeded to make stomach-turning 'yakking' sounds as he began to heave and retch. Vomiting, chewed up bits of Cheetos began to fountain upwards from the monkey's mouth.
Leonard screamed.
The redhead screamed.
The blonde screamed.
Hearing the screaming coming from down her hallway, Amy turned the corner to see Leonard yelling and dancing a twitch filled Irish Jig in the hallway with his pants down in front of her horrified-looking neighbors, Robin and Juliet. Squinting her eyes, she looked at his groin and saw Enrico's head popping out from his underwear, throwing-up something orange.
Fearing that her valuable monkey would bolt from Leonard's underwear and dash down the hallway causing God-knows-what-havoc and potentially creating innumerable problems, Amy ran to Leonard and forcibly turned him to her door.
"Leonard! Get back in the apartment! Now!" Amy yelled as she gave dancing Leonard a powerful push.
But with his feet tangled in the pants puddled around his ankles, Leonard couldn't take a step. Losing his balance and his arms windmilling from Amy's push, Leonard fell forward and hit the floor heavily, squishing Enrico between the floor and his groin. A loud crack reverberated throughout the room.
Amy screamed at the ominous sound. "Oh my God! Leonard! You've killed Enrico!"
Using his right arm, Leonard painfully and slowly lifted his torso and flopped onto his back, turning himself over.
"No, no … good news. That was my arm," Leonard responded, dazed, his words floated out on a pained sigh.
Amy immediately straddled his thighs, her hands a whirl of activity, pulling at his underwear to release the stunned monkey from his fly.
It was just then that Sheldon, returning from the train store with purchases in hand, with his Vulcan hearing, heard the yelling and sobbing coming from Amy's hallway. Quickening his stride, he started taking two steps at a time.
"I think it was one of your genital displays …" Leonard commented helpfully, trying to explain Enrico's presence in his underwear to the neurobiologist.
"Oh, Leonard! How could you do this to me?!" Amy screamed as she held the sagging monkey in her hands. She got up from Leonard's legs. "I thought you were a friend," she yelled as she ran crying into the apartment, carrying Enrico with her.
His thinking muddled and in pain, Leonard thought Amy was referring to the destruction of the room. "I'm sorry. I will pay you."
Nearing the landing for Amy's hallway, Sheldon continued his run to up the stairs. But as discomforting the commotion was, the overheard bits of conversation between a male voice, which he easily identified as Leonard, and Amy was positively alarming. He clearly heard Leonard say 'your genital displays'. Amy, in tears, then apparently questioned Leonard's loyalty and friendship. And then Leonard offered money.
To his girlfriend.
For a genital display.
No! Sheldon thought as he hurriedly took the final steps. Even Leonard, who was incapable of rising above the banal hormonal wash of his libido, enslaved as he was to his genitals, would never do anything as insensitive and callous to his Amy. Besides, a few unrelated snippets of conversation was purely circumstantial. As a man of science, he would use calm intellectualization. He would gather the facts, study them, and come to a conclu …..
Sheldon's thoughts ended right there as he turned the corner and studied the very unexpected and surprising scene before him. He saw two young women standing in the corridor, looking alarmed and holding one another closely. Open-mouthed, they started at a pair of bare legs jutting out into the hallway, the wearer's pants around the ankles. Moving closer, Sheldon saw that it was Leonard, laying half-in and half-out of Amy's apartment, bright orange puffed curls of cheese decorating his hair, his underwear akimbo. He caught a glimpse of Amy's back as she ran crying into her bedroom.
Shocked and angry, Sheldon could not keep the outrage out of his voice. "Leonard! What happened?!"
Perplexed, Leonard stared wide-eyed up at Sheldon, surprised to find that his roommate was suddenly standing over him. "I released the monkey from Amy's drawers," came Leonard's dazed reply.
Sheldon gasped.
It all made sense, the proverbial writing was on Leonard's sex-crazed wall: the overheard conversation wherein Leonard was going to pay Amy for a genital display; his roommate, without pants and his underwear in disarray; Amy's distress; and now the confession about releasing Amy's monkey (admittedly a sexual innuendo with which he was not familiar). To add to the equation, was his roommate's profound fornicating history along with his widely known and abysmal lack of self-control.
Forces converged.
Like a corn silo that had the right mix of dry dust and oxygen and the chance introduction of an electrical charge, Sheldon exploded. Blinding white fury spiked and shot up into his head. In a reflexive response, his arm became steely in a powerful Kung-Fu grip. Rushing over to the prone man, Sheldon started giving sharp karate chops to Leonard's neck.
"I told you once ….," Sheldon screamed, his words punctuated by karate chops, [thwack] [thwack] [thwack] "that she …. ," [thwack] …. "is not," [thwack] [thwack] "for you …. " [thwack] [thwack] [thwack] [thwack].
"Ow …. ow …. ow …. ow," Leonard groaned from the floor.
Sheldon's martial arts justice ended when the two girls in the hallway jumped on him, pinning his arms to his sides.
Overjoyed, Amy exited her room with a bouncing and energetic Enrico in her arms. "Look! Enrico's fine! I think he was just stunned by the impact …." But her words trailed off when she stepped into the living room and saw Sheldon spinning in the hallway, trying to shake off Robin and Juliet who were clinging to his arms.
"Ladies! Please! Let go of me! I cannot guarantee your safety as you are interfering with my fury!"
"No! No! Stop that! Can't you see he's hurt?! Amy pushed him!" The redhead was yelling.
"He didn't do anything! There was a monkey in his pants," the blonde added. "It was horrifying!"
Excited by the sight of the Cheetos all over the floor, Enrico hopped out of dominant female's arms and busied himself by eating all the scattered goodies while Amy ran into the hallway, attempting to defuse the situation and get Robin and Juliet off the twirling Sheldon.
Distracted as they were, no one noticed the smiling monkey, after taking some Cheetos that were tangled in Leonard's hair, skittering down the hallway and making a run towards freedom.
…..
tbc ...
A/N - In The Itchy Brain Simulation, we learn that Leonard had a broken arm and he indicates that it is his left one. As a purveyor of 'hurt Leonard' stories, I wanted to know how that happened. While I was trying to work a story out, I fainted and cracked my head open. While I was laying on the floor, I had a vision of a monkey in Leonard's boxers eating Cheetos. Absolute truth. So I decided to hybrid the two.
The story is OTT ridiculousness but I hope you have enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for reading! As always, comments, criticisms, questions, reviews will all gratefully accepted.