Pet Peeve

"And here we are in the Happiest Place on Earth! That's how I finally convinced Mr. J to take me there – he ain't a big fan of Disney, but he likes amusement parks, and I said it'd be just the perfect place for him, being the happiest guy on earth! And don't he just look gleeful?" Harley Quinn sighed, gazing dreamily at the photo.

"Yeah, you both look real happy. Which is more than I can say for Cinderella and Prince Charming," commented Poison Ivy. "Or those kids around you."

"Bunch of crybabies. They were just sore that me and Mr. J cut them in the line to meet Cinderella," explained Harley. "But like Mr. J said, they should've been grateful we didn't literally cut them!" she giggled. "I tell ya, Red, the place was crawling with kids – too goddamn many of them, getting in our way on the rides and meeting the characters. And they ain't even old enough to appreciate meeting Cinderella!"

"Bet you two had a lot to talk about, both being mindless, spineless, submissive slaves who won't stand up for yourself," muttered Ivy.

"Nah, she was actually pretty boring," confessed Harley. "Just seemed really scared and afraid to say anything. Cried a lot. Prince Charming wasn't much better – dunno what she sees in him. The kids didn't like it when Mr. J bottled him in the face and said sorry it wasn't a glass slipper, but I thought it was a good joke. And they really didn't like it when we cut them again to meet Mickey. But Mr. J told 'em to stop whining or the mouse would get it, and he actually put his gun to Mickey's head. But that only made the kids more upset. I think Mr. J was really gonna carry out his threat, but that's when Batsy appeared and started kicking the crap outta Mr. J. And strangely the kids really liked that. They kept cheering Bats on, the cruel little bastards. Bats even signed a few autographs before dragging us off, like the conceited creep he is. But all's well that ends well, and here we are back in our little ha-ha-cienda with a bunch of great pictures and memories that will last a lifetime!" she sighed, happily.

"I'm glad you had fun, Harley," said Ivy. "Nothing much happened here while you were away. Oh, except Johnny Crane tried to poison Gotham's water supply with fear toxin. Oh, and Harvey staged a robbery at the Gotham Mint. Oh, and Eddie Nygma planted a bunch of bombs around the city and sent riddles to the Bat which he had to solve in a limited time-frame, or they'd explode. So nothing that interesting."

"Gee, it's really dead when me and Mr. J are outta town, ain't it?" said Harley. "Bats must have been so bored without us – I guess that's why he dragged us back. And how did the babies behave for you, Red? I bet they really missed their Mommy and Daddy."

"I didn't really have much to do with them, Harley, I'll be honest with you," replied Ivy. And this was true – she had decided to leave them outside to fend for themselves after they had dug up her garden and killed most of her plants. She had been tempted to kill them, but figured Harley would never forgive her. "I let them exercise out back and fed them when you asked, but otherwise they stayed outside and I stayed inside. You know I'm not really an animal person."

"Yeah, I know, Red, and I just really appreciate you doing it," said Harley. "They were really glad to see us, though, weren't they? I tell ya, there's just nothing like the mindless affection of a dumb animal to make ya feel special."

"That's what I've always thought with you, pooh," said the Joker, returning from walking their pet hyenas and entering the room with Bud and Lou following him. He kissed Harley's cheek fondly, and then bent down to let the hyenas off their leashes. They immediately leapt up into Harley's lap and began licking her face enthusiastically.

"Hello, babies! Did you have a good walk? Did you? Were you good boys for Daddy? Yes, you were, yes, you were!" she cooed, cuddling them and kissing them. "Who's the sweetest babies in the world? You are, yes, you are! Mommy loves you so, so much, yes, she does!"

Ivy felt slightly sickened, and turned her attention away from Harley. "Heard Bats ruined your vacation, J," she said. "Tough break."

"Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't missing him," replied Joker, shrugging. "Told him as much on the way back from Disneyland, but he didn't respond. You know how emotionally distant he is, but opposites attract, I guess. I mean, I'm a boxers man, and Bats is clearly a briefs kinda guy. Granted, he wears them on the outside, but each to his own," he chuckled. "Speaking of which, you'll need to do the laundry, pooh – the boys made kinda a mess on the rug."

Harley sighed. "Babies, I told you, you do that outside!" she purred, petting them. "Outside! Outside, yes, you sweet, cute, adorable little angels!"

"I don't mean to criticize your treatment of your own pets, Harley, but I don't think they know they've done anything wrong when you speak to them in that tone of voice," said Ivy. "You have to be firm and discipline your pets if you want them to obey you."

"Again, what I've always done with you, pooh!" chuckled Joker. Harley squeaked happily and kissed him.

"Well, I know that's the idea, Red, but I ain't really got the heart to discipline them," she murmured, cuddling the hyenas gently. "They're just too cute to stay mad at. Just like my precious puddin'," she breathed, gazing at Joker adoringly.

"And so they get away with murder, just like J," muttered Ivy.

"Hey, I don't go around crapping on the rug," retorted Joker.

"But if you did, I'm sure Harley would just smile and put up with it, the way she puts up with all your other crap," snapped Ivy.

"I think Mr. J has taught them a few tricks, haven't you, puddin'?" asked Harley, trying to diffuse the tension.

"Only one," said Joker, nodding. He clapped his hands. "Bud! Lou! Hey, boys!"

They turned at their names. He pointed at Ivy. "Bud! Lou! Kill!"

They looked from him, to Ivy, and back, wagging their tails and panting, but not moving.

"Oh, c'mon, boys, I've taught you this one!" he exclaimed, kneeling down. He pointed at Ivy again. "Kill!"

They just stared blankly back at him, and Bud licked his face. Joker wiped his cheek irritably, then grabbed them by their collars and dragged them toward Ivy. "Kill!" he repeated, firmly.

They started sniffing her. And then Lou began trying to mount her leg. "That's not killing!" snapped Joker, as Ivy kicked him away.

"They keep doing that, Harley, can't you at least train them not to hump people's legs?" demanded Ivy. "Or maybe neuter them? It would make them less frisky. I'd be happy to perform the procedures myself."

"That's just like you, isn't it?" demanded Joker. "Going around emasculating guys? Well, personally I think it's pretty barbaric to do that to a guy, toots, and you ain't gonna do it to my pets, so get that idea right outta your head, Weed Lady. C'mon, boys, let's get you fed," he said, striding from the room with the hyenas rushing after him, wagging their tails and laughing.

"It would be a good idea, Harley," said Ivy.

Harley shrugged. "Well, Mr. J don't wanna do it, and I wouldn't wanna hurt them like that. Plus it is pretty demeaning to do that to a guy, Red."

"Oh, I dunno," sighed Ivy. "I think most of them deserve it. I know a couple guys who could stand to have their balls chopped off," she muttered, glaring after Joker. "Him and Batman, for one. I'd be happy to perform those procedures too. Might make them less aggressive."

"I wouldn't want Mr. J to be less aggressive," sighed Harley, dreamily. "He's so attractive when he's violent. Nobody can hit a gal like he can."

Ivy sighed and rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I don't mind the babies being a little aggressive," continued Harley. "You never know when it might be useful. They could make good guard dogs. They already make better henchmen than most of the guys Mr. J hires. I mean, they're usually pretty inept at killing people too."

"True," said Ivy, standing up. "Well, I'll leave you to make yourself at home, baby. After the vacation and the stint in Arkham, you need some time to settle in again."

"Yeah, it's nice to be back," agreed Harley. "And of course it's always great to see you, Red," she said, hugging her. "I'll try and pick you up a present for taking care of the babies."

"You don't have to do that, Harley, it was nothing," said Ivy. "Always happy to help out a friend. Even if it does mean putting up with mutts jumping on you. Good thing I'm used to that kinda behavior from men, so I know how to handle it."

"How?" asked Harley.

The hyenas raced into the room at that moment, leaping at Ivy again. She kicked them hard in the groin. "Red, don't!" shrieked Harley as they whimpered in pain. "You'll really hurt them!"

"I'm just teaching them not to do that again," retorted Ivy. "Pain is the best way to discipline, as I'm sure you know, Harley."

"Now there's a gal after my own heart!" chuckled Joker, re-entering the room and beaming at Ivy. "You ever wanna be disciplined hard, baby, you give me a call."

Ivy glared at him and then kicked him hard in the groin. "See you later, Harley!" she called, striding from the room as Joker doubled over. She heard him hiss in agony and smiled, ignoring Harley's angry shouts following her out the door.