Disclaimer: Written by JadeDragon and Nima Onasi :). Oh and by the way.. Me
and Jade don't like Mission ;) muwhahaha. And ya.. We took all of this from
a "Jerry Springer" outlook.
Warning: The next few pages you are about to read are full of our mental instabilities and sick humour.. If you aren't prepared for our joint- nuttiness.. Leave.. Otherwise.. Read on and please laugh.. We laughed writing it :D.
HK's Problem Solving.
HK-47: Statement: Welcome to HK's problem solving. I hope you organic meatbag scum are sitting their tightly at home. I wish I could put a thermal detonator in your holoscreens but unfortunately things just don't go that way.
Audience: *Gasp*
HK-47: Statement: Oh shut up silly meatbags. Anyway, to todays topic.. And it's called.. Secret Crushes. Lets bring out our first guest. He's originally from Kashyyyk, over 7 feet tall and covered with fur you all know him and love him.. Please welcome Big Z!
*Big Z skulks out wearing a pink bow in his hair before sitting down and growling*
HK-47: Query: Right.. Ok. So Big Z, you're here to tell us who you have a crush on. Who is the lucky girl?
Zaalbar: Growl.. Grunt.. Growl..
HK-47: Query: Really... How long have you felt this way about Canderous for?
*Canderous the bodyguard darts his head from left to right in worry as he blushes*
Audience: *Chanting* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Query: Canderous, what do you have to say about this revelation?
Canderous: Let the "hairless wookie" marry him. I'm a Mandalorian-
HK-47: Statement: A suicidal fighting machine of organic meatbag.
HK-47: Query: And Big Z isn't? Seems like you're made for each other if you ask me.
Canderous: That's ridiculous, don't make me stick T3-M4's flamethrower up your-
HK-47: Statement: Now now. We know that's YOUR scene with Big Z, this IS a family show meatbag.
HK-47: Query: Anything else you wish to add Big Z? Or maybe Canderous?
Zaalbar: Grunt... Grunt... Growllll... *Twirls his wookie finger around his hair*
HK-47: Statement: I think he's flirting with you meatbag.
Canderous: I don't believe this.. I'm a broken man... I... I feel like I could cry.. My manly-ness... and look at me.. A WOOKIE LOVES ME... I don't believe it...
HK-47: Statement: Well you better believe it meatbag. Can I please fry the wookie's hair now? Erm.. Excuse me.. But incase you don't believe it.. Lets bring on Big Z's life time friend.. Mission Vao!
Audience: *Cheer*
*Mission appears out from the back of the studio, wearing a very skimpy outfit, as she sits by Zaalbar and gives him a huge hug*
Mission: What's up HK-47? *Giggle*
HK-47: Statement: I think we need to take a commercial break while I go oil my groin..... Damn those Twi'lek meatbags...
Canderous: *Cough* Family show.. Family show. When am I gonna get some frickin' action? Start fighting already.
*Big Z waves cutely at Canderous*
*Canderous bolts to smack him one but realises that isn't his job...*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous... Canderous... Canderous...
*Canderous sits back down..*
Audience: *Collectively* awww.
HK-47: Query: How long have you known about Big Z's crush on Canderous, Mission?
Mission: Well.. Ya know.. When we were down on Taris I was always worried about Big Z's sexuality... I mean their was no lady wookies on Taris and I suppose he had to end up fancying men... That's when he told me ya know?
HK-47: Query: Are you implying Canderous is a wookie? Or are you just the average plain stupid organic meatbag?
Mission: Quit it with the lecture stupid droid! I know what I'm talking about!
HK-47: Statement: Let me put you out of your misery meatbag...
*HK-47 draws his blaster.*
*Canderous stands up his arms stretched out*
Canderous: Family show! Family show! No fighting on the show please.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*HK-47 puts his blaster away muttering rubbish to himself*
*Canderous sits down*
HK-47: Statement: Moving swiftly on.. Lets invite our next secret crush maker onto the show. But I'm only doing this because if I hear anymore of this annoying brat I'm gonna splatter her meatbag brains like pizza on the floor.
HK-47: Statement: Now you all know this guy. He is the most famous Republic pilot ever known in the galaxy, he's a ladies personal favourite meatbag. Mr. Carth Onasi! ....Goddamn meatbag.
*Carth Onasi struts out, the ladies in the audience positively swoon and gasp and he grins at them as he flicks his hair back with a twitch of his head before sitting down.*
HK-47: Statement: Say your piece meatbag.
Carth: Well.. I'm really in love with this girl.. Called Revan.
HK-47: Statement: BUWHAHAH THE DARK LORD OF THE SITH ME AND HER SHALL RULE THE GALAXY TOGETHER....
Carth: What was that?!?! SHE'S GONNA BETRAY ME?!?!? OH MY GOD...
Woman in the audience: Carth, I'll take you anyday! I'm a real woman I'll kick Revan's-
*Canderous stands up*
Canderous: Family show. No swearing.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous sits down, pleased with himself*
Carth: Well.. I really love her.. But now you have me all paranoid.. Are you sure she's going to betray me? *A tear forms in his eye*
Mission: No Carth! Go for it!
Carth: Well ok.. I'm ready.
*Carth brings out a rose*
HK-47: Statement: Stupid weak meatbags.. Please welcome the coolest, bad assed.. err.. oops.. Dark lord of the Sith.. REVAN.
*Canderous furrows one eyebrow and raises the other one as he glares at HK- 47*
Audience: *Cheer*
*Revan walks out and sits down besides Carth.*
HK-47: Statement: Master. Do you know why you are here? ...She's a meatbag really....
Revan: What was that?! And no..... I don't *Shifty eyes..*
Carth: I can't take it anymore! I love you Revan *Hands Revan the rose*
Revan: Aww.. Carth! I love you too *Accepts the rose*
HK-47: Yawn...
*Carth gets on one knee and brings out a ring*
Carth: Marry me Revan...
Revan: Yes! I will!
*Carth and Revan kiss.. with obvious tongue hockey.*
HK-47: Protest: Nooooooooooooo. Please noooooooooooooo. No more organic meatbag kissing....... I'm gonna puke oil.. I HATE YOU MEATBAGS.. DEATH TO ALL MEATBAGS AHHH...
Woman in audience: Revan you *BEEP*-
*Canderous stands up infuriated*
Canderous: GET A GRIP WOMAN.
*Woman in audience gets her hidden blaster out and tries to shoot at Revan.. Canderous charges her down and throws her out*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous nods to the audience and puts his hands in the air thinkin' hes a big guy as he sits down*
*Revan and Carth finally break the kiss*
HK-47: Statement: Buwhahah.. This is my favourite part.. When I get to break your happiness-
Carth: What was that?! Are you betraying me HK-47?! I'm gonna stick T3-M4's flamethrower up your-
Canderous: See.. I told you he was a gay robot.
HK-47: Statement: Shut the *BEEP* UP!
*Canderous stands up*
Canderous: NOW THIS IS REALLY GETTING OUT OF HAND HERE.. Don't make me get my Basilisk droid onto you.. *Shifty eyes..* THIS IS MEANT TO BE A FAMILY SHOW.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: Thankyou thankyou thankyou.
*Canderous sits down*
HK-47: Statement: Meatbags... Stupid wookie lover...
Canderous: What was that?!
HK-47: Statement: Nothing.. *Unintelligable whisper about Mandalorian organic meatbags* Anyway, I get to ruin your fun... buwhaha.. Please bring on.. Jolee Bindo.. Everyone's favourite hermit Jedi!
*Jolee Bindo strolls out with lots of gold around his neck.. a purple outfit.. a purple hat with some ridiculous feathers coming out of it.. A walking stick.. And.. Gold teeth?!*
Carth: How... Jedi like.
HK-47: Statement: Quiet you idiot Telosian.. That's my line. I tell you.. All I want for Christmas is a plasma grenade for every meatbag in the galaxy... *Dreamy..*
Jolee: Wassup! How's the shizzle in my dizzle for HK-47!
HK-47: Query: Those years on Kashyyyk really did corrupt your mind didn't they Jolee? Maybe you fell in love with one too many a Wookie *Eyes Big Z.*
*Canderous secretly celebrates..*
*Big Z flutters his eyelashes at Canderous*
*Carth can't stop laughing*
*Canderous glares at Carth and he suddenly stops.*
Jolee: Well you see.. I decided that the Jedi was boring fooey.. So I decided to get my skateizzles on and start pimping every young girl around.
Audience: *Collective Gasp*
*Carth's eyes get shifty and he looks from left to right*
Jolee: This young man here *Points at Carth* Was my greatest purchaser of my goods!
*Revan's eyes and jaw drops as she slaps Carth with the rose.. Canderous leaps out of his chair and starts to stop Revan from ripping Carth's eyes out*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*After all is calm.. Canderous sits back down and Revan and Carth sit away from each other*
Jolee: *Laughter..* And that young Twi'lek over there was my prized possession..
*Mission's eyes now get shifty..*
Jolee: Canderous LOVED her.. For shizzle.
*Big Z grunts as he gets up and charges for Canderous.. Canderous runs away, frightened of the big wookie.*
*Carth starts laughing.. Revan glares at him and he stops.*
*HK-47 pulls his blaster out to calm the Wookie and Mandalorian down*
Zaalbar: Grunt.. Growl.. GROOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWL...
Mission: I'm sorry Big Z... Now you know why I'm always dressed like a tramp! I'm so sorry...
*Big Z sits away from Mission*
HK-47: Muttering: Phase 3... for Galactic dominance... *Everyone's staring at him* Uh.. Right.. Are we all done now?
HK-47: Statement: So you gave up your life as a hermit Jedi to become the Galaxies best pimp... Right...
Jolee: Yes that's right kid.
HK-47: Statement: I'm a droid you hermit meatbag.. Don't make me blast you. Psst.. Is their any chance I can have a number of one of your droid girls after the show?
Jolee: What? Well... Ok... But I thought you had a thing for T3-M4's flamethrower.
*Canderous and Carth laugh out loud*
HK-47: Protest: OH YOU STUPID *BEEP* MEATBAGS I'M SO GONNA *BEEP* YOU AND *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* AND *BEEP* AND I'LL GO AND MAKE MONKEYS OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW *BEEP*ers.
Canderous: Not even gonna bother.. This is nuts.. And I'm gettin to fight.. YESSSSSSS.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Query: Anyway. How did you manage to pull it off without getting caught?
Jolee: Well.. Are you sure you really want to hear this? While Revan, Carth and Bastila were trying to find the Star Maps I was in the cantina's making secret deals for lonely Czerka workers to come and "check out the ship"
HK-47: Query: Did anyone in the party end up getting serviced? Personally?
Jolee: Carth and Canderous. Carth was my best customer.. Look at me now.. I'm filthy stinking rich!
*Revan darts for Carth and slaps him across the face several times. Canderous darts up and breaks up the fight between Carth and Revan.*
Revan: You no good *BEEP* of a *BEEP*! And you want me to marry you? How do I know you didn't catch something off one of them?
Canderous: FAMILY SHOW.. LESS OF THAT SWEARING..
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Statement: Kolto! That's how...
*Canderous laughs*
Revan: What?!? Kolto? SHUT UP DROID...
HK-47: Statement: Buwhahah..
Revan: And YOU Wookie lover.. Let me at least thump Carth harder next time!
Canderous: Spoken like a glorious Mandalorian woman.. Mmm...
HK-47: Statement: Don't get so "lonely" Canderous.. You have Zaalbar now..
Canderous: SHUT UP!.. I know.. LETS BRING T3-M4 OUT AND GET HIM TO EXPLAIN THE FLAMETHROWER INCIDENT...
HK-47: Statement: Oh no..... Moving swiftly on!
*Carth wakes up as little tweety birds fly around his head.. His cheek severely bruised*
Carth: Did anyone get the number of that Mandalorian woman?
Canderous: Ha.. Told ya.
Canderous: *Looks at Revan* Well how about it sweetheart? You found out that Carth is a total loser, how about some real loving from a REAL man.
Revan: Shut up Wookie love slave! You slept with them too!-
Jolee: It's true! Carth only beat you by ten credits!
*Jolee the insane pimp in purple counts all his credits and grins evily to himself as his eyes shift from left to right*
Carth: But, Revan, sweetie. Those days are over.. I love only you! I don't want any other woman but you.. *Dreamy..*
Revan: Oh Carth...
Carth: Oh Revan...
*Carth and Revan have another session of tongue hockey..*
HK-47: Yawn... *Gazes at his watch..*
*They finish again and Revan clutches the rose in her hand proudly*
HK-47: Statement: Finished? Good. Well.. Let's bring out-
Jolee: *Mutter.. Mutter*
HK-47: Agitated Statement: Let's bring out-
Jolee: Goddamn orange doesn't go with purple... *Mutter.. Mutter*
HK-47: HIGHLY AGITATED QUERY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU NOW?
Jolee: I'm going to lose money!
HK-47: SUPER HIGHLY AGITATED QUERY: AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ORANGE CLASHING WITH PURPLE?
Jolee: Nothing! I'm a dirty old hermity man fo' shizzle.. I have to mutter about nothing in particular when I'm angry... Anyway... Do you want to know why?
HK-47: Statement: Not particularly.. I do want to reach for my blaster, however, and blow your brains out and paint a pretty picture of Kath Hounds in the fields of Dantooine..
Jolee: RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.. *Cough* Yes.. Well.. It's Mission.. My prized possession.. She's pregnant!
Carth and Canderous: IT WASN'T ME...
HK-47: *Droid like fingers tap together against each other* Statement: Yessss... My plans for galactical domination are almost complete....
Canderous: *Raises an eyebrow* What was that?
HK-47: Statement: Nothing.. Nothing.. muwhaha.. Erm.. Ok.. Lets bring out Juhani!
Jolee: Hey wait! What about the revelation of Mission being pregnant? RESPECT YOUR ELDERS SONNY.
HK-47: Query: Oh yes.. Who do you think the father is Mission?
Mission: Ya know.. I don't really know.. It could be Canderous.. It could be Carth.. It could even be Dustil.. Erm.. Then their's the dock worker *Mission averts her eyes upwards and starts to count the men on her blue fingers* the Czerka dude.. The sith guy.. Darth Bandon.. Darth Malak.. The swoop bike mechanic.. Master Vendar..
*An hour passes*
Mission: And finally.. ... That Republican pilot.. Damn.. I forgot his name.
HK-47: Statement: Stupid meatbags... *Droidal sigh* Ok.. Take Mission out back for a erm.. PRE BIRTH paternal test..
Jolee: That was NOT what I wanted to hear *Insane muttering* What about the damn credits I'm going to lose! NINE MONTHS.. I'm going to go from riches to rags... NO!.. Maybe I'll have to start smuggling again..
Carth: NEVERMIND THAT... What is my son doing sleeping with a prostitute?!?! HOW COULD HE BETRAY ME SO...
Revan: You can talk *Glare*
Carth: Ok sweetie.. Don't get testy... I'll be quiet now *Gulp*
Canderous: Buwhaha.. Frightened of the strong woman... Anyway.. Yea.. It definitely isn't me.. I KNOW it isn't me..
*Mission leaves backstage to have the paternity test.. Big Z just grunts and growls at Canderous*
HK-47: Statement: Your girlfriend is jealous.
Canderous: Your "it" is jealous that you're not giving "it's" flamethrower any attention..
HK-47: Agitated Statement: SHUT UP T3-M4 IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND...
Audience: *GASP* T3-M4 is a girl?!?
Canderous: Strange looking girl... Especially when you were caught with that flamethrower up your-
Carth: HAHAHAHAHA...
Revan: Just shut up Carth.. Before I shut you up..
Carth: Mummy...
Canderous: HAHAHAHAHA... Look who's laughing now flyboy.
HK-47: Statement: Moving swiftly on... Lets bring out our next guest on.. SECRET CRUSHES.. Although this has got very offtrack now-
Canderous: Why? Because we talked about your obsession with your girlfriend with a big flamethrower?!
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: Yes.. You know I'm the best...
HK-47: Statement: That's it Mandalorian meatbag scumbag scum scum scum! *Pulls his blaster out* No... Plan of Galactic dominance must carry through.. *Puts his blaster away*
Carth: What was that?! Betraying me again?!
HK-47: Statement: Nothing.. CAN WE PLEASE GET THE NEXT GUEST ON? ..Ok.. All the way from Cathar .. It's your favourite Cat.. Without whiskers.. JUHANI.
*Juhani walks through.. Purring as she sits down by Revan and strokes her hand.. Revan looks very disturbed.*
Revan: I don't like where this is going...
HK-47: Query: The question everyone is DYING to ask .. *Mutters* Literally I hope.. Is how the heck are you a cat with a Russian accent? I mean.. No one's really interested in the fact that you're stroking a human's hand.. oh no.. not at all..
*Carth doubles over on the floor laughing hysterically*
Revan: SHUT UP CARTH! I'll kill you.. I SWEAR I WILL!
Carth: *In the middle of his laughter* Oh man.. And I thought I had problems.
Canderous: *Dreamy* Mmm.. Mandalorian-like woman.. With CAT woman... *Drool* Say Revan.. And Juhani.. Wanna play a game of bedroom tag?
Canderous: *Shakes his head and snaps out of it* Hey Revan, forget the loser flyboy and the obsessed cat creature, I'm better than the both of them put together.
Revan: GREAT! Just great.. My choices are a flyboy who can't keep it in his pants.. A Mandalorian I could break in half and a sex crazed lesbian Cathar!
Juhani: But you said that you had feelings for me on the Ebon Hawk..
Revan: I was trying to make you feel better.. I didn't know you were going to turn into some crazed stalker!
Juhani: But..-
Revan: I knew because I saw you going through my underwear!
Carth: Revan.... YOU'RE BETRAYING ME?!?
Revan: If I get myself a midnight snack and don't bring you one you think I'm betraying you, you have some serious issues to work out, flyboy.
Carth: You're betraying me you *BEEP*
Revan: Put a sock in it flyboy! It was a one time thing.
Carth: But you're still betraying me.. GRR YOU'RE LIKE SAUL...
Revan: It wasn't anything serious to me. Me and Juhani were both drunk.. And you weren't around as per usual *Glare*
Jolee: Ha.. Yah.. That's right shizzles.. He was with Mission, I got 200 credits that night..
Canderous: HAHAHAHA...
Juhani: But you said you loved me.. That you would break up with Carth for me.
Revan: Well, I told old numbnuts that I loved him too, you know...
*Carth glares at her..*
Revan: Hey, don't look at me like that! I mean.. Really, what did you expect from the former Dark Lord of the Sith?
HK-47: Statement: Well, I knew what to expect from you Master. I just wish you didn't make a record of you and Juhani being together that night. I still have nightmares.. You are a cruel and torturous Master, you know that?
HK-47: Statement: Ok.. I hear from backstage that we have PROOF of the whole "I love you" deed.. Ugh.. If I could shudder at how ugly both you meatbags are .. I would.. This is disgusting... Bring out T3-M4..
Canderous: Oh great.. The droids girlfriend.
HK-47: Statement: QUIET.
*T3-M4 wheels him-.. er.. HERself out and beeps and boops a lot at the audience*
Canderous: Their's a recording of this?! Quickly.. QUICKLY I WANT A COPY..
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Carth: You recorded it?! Revan, how could you do that and not tell me?
Revan: I.. Er.. Didn't want to "strain" you after your night of passion with Mission.
Carth: I wasn't that strained!
HK-47: Statement: *Oil drool* You have your flamethrower of mass destruction today... love...
Canderous: I knew it HK! HAHAHAHA... You're seeing T3-M4... So the flamethrower story WAS true...
*Carth starts to laugh hysterically again*
HK-47: Statement: Oh damnit..
Jolee: Say T3-M4.. I have a job for you.. Are you interested?
T3-M4: Beep.. boop.. beep-beep-BEEEEEEEEEP.. *Playsback the video..*
*What happened next was not for PG-13 eyes...*
Canderous: *Mountains of drool* Yessssssss... Mandalorian like woman and Cathar...
Carth: Revan.. How could you?! *Turns his head to the side and his eyes widen* And.. W-Wow... How did you manage to get yourself into that position?
Revan: I.. Uh.. SWITCH IT OFF...
Carth: No really.. Tell me..
Revan: I'm a Jedi, you idiot!
*Juhani sits there looking smug with herself..*
*T3-M4's flamethrower flames a little bit as she seems smug with her .. little collection*
Carth: *Still watching but anger rising..* What the.. YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ME... You just lay there and moaned..!
Revan: I only moaned because I saw a crack in one of the ceiling tiles and knew it would have to be replaced before their was a breach in the hull.
Carth: *BEEP.. BEEP... BEEP*er
*Canderous is still drooling but stands up wanting attention*
Canderous: Family show.. Oh wait.. I forgot... The video.. um.. Dumb Mandalorian warrior moment then.
Audience: *Chants* Juhani.. Juhani.. Juhani..
Canderous: What about me?! I'm the greatest..
Audience: Oh yeah.. *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous sits back down. T3-M4 reaches the end of the video.. Flames her flamethrower again and wheels off*
HK-47: Statement: *Purr at T3-M4* Well.. Without further or do time for the results of the paternity tests.. *Listens carefully* HAHAH.. OH yes.. Time for revenge.. Meatbag *BEEP*. Well normally.. We would reveal this at the end of the show, but this is too good to leave out. We have the results of Mission's paternity tests.. Carth, you're off the hook! ... Congratulations Canderous.. YOU'RE A DADDY.
*Carth falls out the chair and starts laughing manically.*
*HK-47 brandishes his blaster and turns around in a circle like a nutter*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous blushes..*
Jolee: YOU OWE ME NINE MONTHS OF CREDITS BOY..
*Canderous is getting more angry..*
Canderous: SHUT UP STUPID AUDIENCE.. SHUT UP DIRTY OLD MAN... I.. bla.. I hope its a boy.. HE'S GOING TO TAKE DOWN PLANETS I TELL YA!!!
HK-47: Query: Are you going to marry Mission and raise the kid properly? *Bursts into uncontrollable droidal laughter at the thought of what he just said*
Jolee: The hell he isn't. Mission is my prized possession, she's going to make me money and she's going to make sure I NEVER mix orange with purple.. I'm starting to lose my memory you know..
HK-47: Query: Really?
Jolee: Really what?
HK-47: Query: You're losing your memory?
Jolee: Who said that?
HK-47: Statement: ... You did.
Jolee: I did not! You should respect your elders you know.. Damn.. Orange and purple.. I really need someone to remind me not to mix those colours..
*The audience groans..*
HK-47: Query: So I'm really excited to know this Canderous. Are you going to do that?
Carth: Heh Heh.. At least my girlfriend isn't pregnant..
Revan: Guess again flyboy!
Carth: Ok.. After what I saw with you and Juhani.. It can't be mine..
Revan: You silly.. *Sigh* THAT WASN'T REAL..
Carth: *Blushes* Oh.. Um.. Right.. yeah.. Right on.. It's mine?!
Canderous: HAHAHA.. My turn to laugh.. Carth doesn't know what a-
HK-47: HIGHLY AGITATED STATEMENT: A FAMILY SHOW.. KEEP IT CLEAN.. well.. oops.. dumb droid statement.
Carth: Why are you laughing?
Jolee: Yeh... You have a huge shizzle debt hanging over your head BOY..
Carth: Heh Heh.. At least me and Revan are getting married..
Revan: If you'll ever commit to a date.
Zaalbar: GRUNT.. GROgoOOWOWLOWLW... GRRRRRRRUNT..
Jolee: Yeah.. And you have one *BEEP* wookie to add to your troubles too.. You're mistress.. Zaalbar.. Say Zaalbar.. Are you interested in a little job?
Juhani: Revan? Are you seriously going to marry him? What about me?
Revan: Well.. It was fun Juhani, but I think Carth is serious about changing his ways and I do have the baby to think about.
HK-47: Statement: Well.. That's what YOU think.. Bring on the Jedi BITCH Bastila.. err.. oops..
*Bastila trots on with arrogance and sits down away from the group acting like she's better than everyone else.*
Canderous: Why.. Hello little prissy Jedi princess..
Bastila: Canderous, I TOLD you to save that for the bedroom.
*Carth looks away from Revan and starts to fidget nervously..*
Bastila: And YOU.. Commander Onasi.. *Swoon* Remember the other night?
Carth: *Nervous laughter* I have no idea what you're talking about Bastila
Bastila: Come on.. Be honest.. *Grabs hold of Carth's knee*
Carth: I.. Uh...
*Revan slaps Carth across the face on the other cheek now.. Leaving a big bruise there.. Canderous jumps up and splits them apart.. Zaalbar joins in..*
Canderous: HK.. HELP.. THE WOOKIE IS TRYING TO *BEEP* RAPE ME!
HK-47: Statement: HAHAHA.... Go get him Big Z..
Canderous: HK you.. *BEEP* homo!
HK-47: Statement: A homo? Is that one of your made up words that you and Zaalbar made up?.. No I won't save you.. FEEL THE WRATH OF THE WOOKIE.. mmm galaxy domination!
*Mission suddenly runs out and grabs a chair.. Whacking Zaalbar across the back with it*
Mission: I didn't want to do that.. BUT GET OFF MY FUTURE HUSBAND..
Canderous: Mission.. I'm NOT gonna marry you..
Jolee: Damn straight shizzle.
Mission: But..
Canderous: Mission no.. I'm not going to!
Revan: *In the chaos* Carth you no good *BEEP* *BEEP* of a *BEEP* I'd be better off raising this kid with Juhani!
Mission: But I don't want my baby to grow up without a Daddy like me..
HK-47: Yawn...
Jolee: I'll be it's "Daddy" if it's a girl Mission.. Fo shure!
Canderous: *Sigh* Fine, I would marry you Mission. I just don't have any money to pay Jolee off..
HK-47: Statement: Can't be bothered with this.. CALM DOWN
*HK-47 brandishes a thermal detonator and everyone dashes to their seats like musical chairs.. HK-47 laughs manically*
Bastila: *Brushes her ragged hair up now* I mean.. Revan, what did you expect? Carth is so *Swoons* handsome.
Carth: I.. heh.. I.. *Blush*
Females in Audience: *Swoon* Carrrrrrth..
Bastila: And you and I KNOW when he went to all those Cantina's.. Even the one on Korriban he was having girls here and there..
*Carth laughs nervously and rubs his sore cheeks as he fidgets around..*
Bastila: I mean.. Lets have a little test.. All girls that have slept with Carth Onasi in the audience, raise your hands.
*All the swooning women in the audience raise their hands*
Bastila: SEE. There you have it.
Canderous: Princess..
Bastila: Quiet Canderous! I am the wielder of the Battle Meditation... I am the best!!!
*A tiny midget Yoda looking thing walks in from the back..*
Master Vendar: We shall see about that Bastila..
HK-47: Statement: YOU.. It wasn't your turn to come out yet!!!
Master Vendar: The force led me here.. I am here now.. I am yes..
Bastila: YOU.. THE MIDGET...
Master Vendar: I must tell you Bastila.. I must.. About your battle meditation!
Bastila: NO PLEASE... NOT THAT..
Master Vendar: No.. I must let you all know.. I MUST!
Bastila: Master.. I beg you! DON'T!
Carth: I already know what he's going to say.. And on behalf of the Republic and the depths of my heart, I'd like to thank you for your services Bastila, you've made many a lonely fighter happy.
Canderous: What's this princess?
Revan: You slept with Bastila the galactic *BEEP* often Carth?!
Carth: Yeah.. I did.. But I was lonely then! And.. it was before I fell madly in love with you darling..
*Bastila shudders from head to toe*
Master Vendar: But this is not the whole truth.. No it is not!
Carth: Yeah.. Bastila was what the Jedi provided us in the Republic.. She used to well.. Sleep around.. It made the men happy though! It made us concentrate.. Damn.. It was good...
*Carth trances off*
Jolee: How about purple and green? Or.. Purple and a black-y-grey-y colour?
*Jolee walks up to Master Vendar and starts to compare his purple suit against Vendar's skin tone*
Master Vendar: It suits you it does! .. And yes that is the whole truth it is! This is how the Republic won many battles.. Revan you should be proud you should.. Me and Jolee are like best friends now we are... Both old and silly pimps.. .. shizzle it is shizzle..
*Carth is still in a trance and Revan slaps him again*
Canderous: HAHAHA.. Sure you still don't want a REAL man Revan?
*Revan slaps Canderous*
*Mission slaps Canderous*
*Bastila slaps Canderous*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Revan: Proud?! Proud that I have an oversexed dog for a boyfriend?!
HK-47: Statement: T3-M4... MMM you hot momma.. Galactic domination.. Phase 15!!
Carth: Revan, honey! I swear, I'll change my ways! Please don't leave me! Think of the baby!
HK-47: Query: Are you still going to get married?
*After five seconds thought...*
Revan: Yes! ... You hear that flyboy? This is your last chance, I mean it!
HK-47: Statement: Ok.. But first lets bring on our final guest.. DUSTIL ONASI...
*Dustil comes out and runs straight to his father swearing and stamping all sorts*
Dustil: ROOOOOOOOOARAROOOOOOOAR *HORMONAL TEENAGE STAMPING* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *Then turns to Revan* You may have indirectly caused the death of my mother, but my father is a self-centred, cheating *BEEP* And I don't care if it's my Father's child.. I'll take care of you. *Wink and smile* Plus.. He's.. Really.. Old.
Revan: oo-er.. *Swoon*
Carth: HOW DARE YOU ..... HOW DARE YOU FLIRT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND... WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.. AND UH.... ARE YOU BETRAYING ME REVAN???
Canderous: Ya don't like it do you Carth.. Stupid Republican fool.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Revan: Of course not. It's just.. I never noticed how strong and handsome your boy is.. And he's young too.
*Dustil just smiles*
Revan: *Feeling Dustil's upper arm* Do you work out often, Dustil?
Carth: THAT'S IT... CARTH ONASI IS GONNA HAVE A RAMPAGE...
*Carth grabs a chair and tries to throw it at his son in pure jealousy.. Dustil dodges it.. Canderous gets up.*
Canderous: Well start cheering you slow *BEEP*ers.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: MUCH better..
*Canderous stops the fight*
Dustil: Chill out old man before you have a heart attack! You've got plenty of women falling all over each other for you, do you really need Revan?
Carth: I made a lot of mistakes Dustil.. But I love Revan and marry her I will!
HK-47: Statement: Vendar.. Just marry them already you midget pimp.
*Vendar hops up making hoppy sounds as he starts to marry Revan and Carth*
*Revan whispers something in Dustil's ear..*
Dustil: WOOHOO! I mean.. That works for me, I mean ok!
Carth: *Raises an eyebrow..* Betrayal?
Revan: Shut up.
Canderous: Idiot..
Master Vendar: We are gathered here today we are.. To see the joining of two.. really.. stupid people.. indeed.. Revan and Carth.. I am the pimp reverand.. And.. Do you Revan yes do you take Carth the cheating ass who made me and Jolee very rich to be your lawful jedi wedded husband?
Revan: Yes!
Juhani: NEVER!!!
*Juhani leaps from her seat.. like a.. Cat thing.. and starts to throw chairs in the weddings direction*
Canderous: Look.. I'm too old for this.. Wait.. OH MY GOD.. I'm turning into a "homo" did I just say I'm too old to FIGHT?!
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: Shuddup.. I'm gettin' to it.. Just my bones are creakin'..
*Canderous leaps up and restrains Juhani until she calms down.. The wedding continues*
Master Vendar: Do you Carth Onasi take the woman who is going to no doubt betray you again.. And you are such a dense silly moron to see it.. as your lawful jedi wedded wife?
Carth: Betrayal?! Er.. Yes I do!
Bastila: YOU.. ARGH... I LOVE YOU CARTH!!
Females in Audience: KILL THAT BASTILA BITCH WE MUST HAVE CARTH FOR OURSELVES..
*A riot starts.. Canderous leaps up again.. This time he brandishes his HEAVY REPEATER*
Canderous: STUPID WOMEN GET BACK.. GEEEET BACK!
Men in audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Statement: Alright you organic meatbag scum! Let's have one happy thing happen on this show! Now sit down and be quiet or you're all going to have a Thermal Detonator somewhere extremely sensitive!
*The riot subsides.. and the wedding continues*
Master Vendar: I think I'm going to cry I am...
HK-47: Query: You're another stupid meatbag that I'd like to spread on the floor like Brussel pate.. Why do you want to cry?
Master Vendar: Because I'm going to marry the man that earnt me and Jolee so much money!
Carth: That was in the past...
Revan: Get on with it.. I'm horny.
Carth: *Eyes light up* Really? And uh.. Can we uh.. Try that position?
Revan: Um.. Yeah!
Master Vendar: I now pronounce you man and wife.. Kiss and.. *Cries* All that... *Sniffle*
*Revan and Carth smoochies.. They walk off the stage.. Juhani breaks down crying.. Dustil just stands their with an evil grin on his face*
And now.. For the final moral wording... We bring you HK-47!
HK-47: Statement: It is Christmas.. And it's not everyday you have something as crazy as this.. But remember, even when you do.. The best way is.. To get a blaster.. Kill some meatbags.. Squash.. SQUISH.. ERR YEAH! And um.. *Wears a Santa hat* Guess what I'm going to get you for Christmas? GALACTICAL DOMINATION!!!!!!
Credits Roll.. Extremely fast.. *THIS WAS A JADEDRAGON / NIMA ONASI COLLABORATION!*
Juhani: What are you smiling at you little punk?
Dustil: Revan told me what I'm getting for Christmas..
Jolee: Oh my word! I found out.. NAVY BLUE.. It's a perfect colour!!!!!
Finis.
Warning: The next few pages you are about to read are full of our mental instabilities and sick humour.. If you aren't prepared for our joint- nuttiness.. Leave.. Otherwise.. Read on and please laugh.. We laughed writing it :D.
HK's Problem Solving.
HK-47: Statement: Welcome to HK's problem solving. I hope you organic meatbag scum are sitting their tightly at home. I wish I could put a thermal detonator in your holoscreens but unfortunately things just don't go that way.
Audience: *Gasp*
HK-47: Statement: Oh shut up silly meatbags. Anyway, to todays topic.. And it's called.. Secret Crushes. Lets bring out our first guest. He's originally from Kashyyyk, over 7 feet tall and covered with fur you all know him and love him.. Please welcome Big Z!
*Big Z skulks out wearing a pink bow in his hair before sitting down and growling*
HK-47: Query: Right.. Ok. So Big Z, you're here to tell us who you have a crush on. Who is the lucky girl?
Zaalbar: Growl.. Grunt.. Growl..
HK-47: Query: Really... How long have you felt this way about Canderous for?
*Canderous the bodyguard darts his head from left to right in worry as he blushes*
Audience: *Chanting* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Query: Canderous, what do you have to say about this revelation?
Canderous: Let the "hairless wookie" marry him. I'm a Mandalorian-
HK-47: Statement: A suicidal fighting machine of organic meatbag.
HK-47: Query: And Big Z isn't? Seems like you're made for each other if you ask me.
Canderous: That's ridiculous, don't make me stick T3-M4's flamethrower up your-
HK-47: Statement: Now now. We know that's YOUR scene with Big Z, this IS a family show meatbag.
HK-47: Query: Anything else you wish to add Big Z? Or maybe Canderous?
Zaalbar: Grunt... Grunt... Growllll... *Twirls his wookie finger around his hair*
HK-47: Statement: I think he's flirting with you meatbag.
Canderous: I don't believe this.. I'm a broken man... I... I feel like I could cry.. My manly-ness... and look at me.. A WOOKIE LOVES ME... I don't believe it...
HK-47: Statement: Well you better believe it meatbag. Can I please fry the wookie's hair now? Erm.. Excuse me.. But incase you don't believe it.. Lets bring on Big Z's life time friend.. Mission Vao!
Audience: *Cheer*
*Mission appears out from the back of the studio, wearing a very skimpy outfit, as she sits by Zaalbar and gives him a huge hug*
Mission: What's up HK-47? *Giggle*
HK-47: Statement: I think we need to take a commercial break while I go oil my groin..... Damn those Twi'lek meatbags...
Canderous: *Cough* Family show.. Family show. When am I gonna get some frickin' action? Start fighting already.
*Big Z waves cutely at Canderous*
*Canderous bolts to smack him one but realises that isn't his job...*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous... Canderous... Canderous...
*Canderous sits back down..*
Audience: *Collectively* awww.
HK-47: Query: How long have you known about Big Z's crush on Canderous, Mission?
Mission: Well.. Ya know.. When we were down on Taris I was always worried about Big Z's sexuality... I mean their was no lady wookies on Taris and I suppose he had to end up fancying men... That's when he told me ya know?
HK-47: Query: Are you implying Canderous is a wookie? Or are you just the average plain stupid organic meatbag?
Mission: Quit it with the lecture stupid droid! I know what I'm talking about!
HK-47: Statement: Let me put you out of your misery meatbag...
*HK-47 draws his blaster.*
*Canderous stands up his arms stretched out*
Canderous: Family show! Family show! No fighting on the show please.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*HK-47 puts his blaster away muttering rubbish to himself*
*Canderous sits down*
HK-47: Statement: Moving swiftly on.. Lets invite our next secret crush maker onto the show. But I'm only doing this because if I hear anymore of this annoying brat I'm gonna splatter her meatbag brains like pizza on the floor.
HK-47: Statement: Now you all know this guy. He is the most famous Republic pilot ever known in the galaxy, he's a ladies personal favourite meatbag. Mr. Carth Onasi! ....Goddamn meatbag.
*Carth Onasi struts out, the ladies in the audience positively swoon and gasp and he grins at them as he flicks his hair back with a twitch of his head before sitting down.*
HK-47: Statement: Say your piece meatbag.
Carth: Well.. I'm really in love with this girl.. Called Revan.
HK-47: Statement: BUWHAHAH THE DARK LORD OF THE SITH ME AND HER SHALL RULE THE GALAXY TOGETHER....
Carth: What was that?!?! SHE'S GONNA BETRAY ME?!?!? OH MY GOD...
Woman in the audience: Carth, I'll take you anyday! I'm a real woman I'll kick Revan's-
*Canderous stands up*
Canderous: Family show. No swearing.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous sits down, pleased with himself*
Carth: Well.. I really love her.. But now you have me all paranoid.. Are you sure she's going to betray me? *A tear forms in his eye*
Mission: No Carth! Go for it!
Carth: Well ok.. I'm ready.
*Carth brings out a rose*
HK-47: Statement: Stupid weak meatbags.. Please welcome the coolest, bad assed.. err.. oops.. Dark lord of the Sith.. REVAN.
*Canderous furrows one eyebrow and raises the other one as he glares at HK- 47*
Audience: *Cheer*
*Revan walks out and sits down besides Carth.*
HK-47: Statement: Master. Do you know why you are here? ...She's a meatbag really....
Revan: What was that?! And no..... I don't *Shifty eyes..*
Carth: I can't take it anymore! I love you Revan *Hands Revan the rose*
Revan: Aww.. Carth! I love you too *Accepts the rose*
HK-47: Yawn...
*Carth gets on one knee and brings out a ring*
Carth: Marry me Revan...
Revan: Yes! I will!
*Carth and Revan kiss.. with obvious tongue hockey.*
HK-47: Protest: Nooooooooooooo. Please noooooooooooooo. No more organic meatbag kissing....... I'm gonna puke oil.. I HATE YOU MEATBAGS.. DEATH TO ALL MEATBAGS AHHH...
Woman in audience: Revan you *BEEP*-
*Canderous stands up infuriated*
Canderous: GET A GRIP WOMAN.
*Woman in audience gets her hidden blaster out and tries to shoot at Revan.. Canderous charges her down and throws her out*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous nods to the audience and puts his hands in the air thinkin' hes a big guy as he sits down*
*Revan and Carth finally break the kiss*
HK-47: Statement: Buwhahah.. This is my favourite part.. When I get to break your happiness-
Carth: What was that?! Are you betraying me HK-47?! I'm gonna stick T3-M4's flamethrower up your-
Canderous: See.. I told you he was a gay robot.
HK-47: Statement: Shut the *BEEP* UP!
*Canderous stands up*
Canderous: NOW THIS IS REALLY GETTING OUT OF HAND HERE.. Don't make me get my Basilisk droid onto you.. *Shifty eyes..* THIS IS MEANT TO BE A FAMILY SHOW.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: Thankyou thankyou thankyou.
*Canderous sits down*
HK-47: Statement: Meatbags... Stupid wookie lover...
Canderous: What was that?!
HK-47: Statement: Nothing.. *Unintelligable whisper about Mandalorian organic meatbags* Anyway, I get to ruin your fun... buwhaha.. Please bring on.. Jolee Bindo.. Everyone's favourite hermit Jedi!
*Jolee Bindo strolls out with lots of gold around his neck.. a purple outfit.. a purple hat with some ridiculous feathers coming out of it.. A walking stick.. And.. Gold teeth?!*
Carth: How... Jedi like.
HK-47: Statement: Quiet you idiot Telosian.. That's my line. I tell you.. All I want for Christmas is a plasma grenade for every meatbag in the galaxy... *Dreamy..*
Jolee: Wassup! How's the shizzle in my dizzle for HK-47!
HK-47: Query: Those years on Kashyyyk really did corrupt your mind didn't they Jolee? Maybe you fell in love with one too many a Wookie *Eyes Big Z.*
*Canderous secretly celebrates..*
*Big Z flutters his eyelashes at Canderous*
*Carth can't stop laughing*
*Canderous glares at Carth and he suddenly stops.*
Jolee: Well you see.. I decided that the Jedi was boring fooey.. So I decided to get my skateizzles on and start pimping every young girl around.
Audience: *Collective Gasp*
*Carth's eyes get shifty and he looks from left to right*
Jolee: This young man here *Points at Carth* Was my greatest purchaser of my goods!
*Revan's eyes and jaw drops as she slaps Carth with the rose.. Canderous leaps out of his chair and starts to stop Revan from ripping Carth's eyes out*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*After all is calm.. Canderous sits back down and Revan and Carth sit away from each other*
Jolee: *Laughter..* And that young Twi'lek over there was my prized possession..
*Mission's eyes now get shifty..*
Jolee: Canderous LOVED her.. For shizzle.
*Big Z grunts as he gets up and charges for Canderous.. Canderous runs away, frightened of the big wookie.*
*Carth starts laughing.. Revan glares at him and he stops.*
*HK-47 pulls his blaster out to calm the Wookie and Mandalorian down*
Zaalbar: Grunt.. Growl.. GROOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWL...
Mission: I'm sorry Big Z... Now you know why I'm always dressed like a tramp! I'm so sorry...
*Big Z sits away from Mission*
HK-47: Muttering: Phase 3... for Galactic dominance... *Everyone's staring at him* Uh.. Right.. Are we all done now?
HK-47: Statement: So you gave up your life as a hermit Jedi to become the Galaxies best pimp... Right...
Jolee: Yes that's right kid.
HK-47: Statement: I'm a droid you hermit meatbag.. Don't make me blast you. Psst.. Is their any chance I can have a number of one of your droid girls after the show?
Jolee: What? Well... Ok... But I thought you had a thing for T3-M4's flamethrower.
*Canderous and Carth laugh out loud*
HK-47: Protest: OH YOU STUPID *BEEP* MEATBAGS I'M SO GONNA *BEEP* YOU AND *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* AND *BEEP* AND I'LL GO AND MAKE MONKEYS OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW *BEEP*ers.
Canderous: Not even gonna bother.. This is nuts.. And I'm gettin to fight.. YESSSSSSS.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Query: Anyway. How did you manage to pull it off without getting caught?
Jolee: Well.. Are you sure you really want to hear this? While Revan, Carth and Bastila were trying to find the Star Maps I was in the cantina's making secret deals for lonely Czerka workers to come and "check out the ship"
HK-47: Query: Did anyone in the party end up getting serviced? Personally?
Jolee: Carth and Canderous. Carth was my best customer.. Look at me now.. I'm filthy stinking rich!
*Revan darts for Carth and slaps him across the face several times. Canderous darts up and breaks up the fight between Carth and Revan.*
Revan: You no good *BEEP* of a *BEEP*! And you want me to marry you? How do I know you didn't catch something off one of them?
Canderous: FAMILY SHOW.. LESS OF THAT SWEARING..
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Statement: Kolto! That's how...
*Canderous laughs*
Revan: What?!? Kolto? SHUT UP DROID...
HK-47: Statement: Buwhahah..
Revan: And YOU Wookie lover.. Let me at least thump Carth harder next time!
Canderous: Spoken like a glorious Mandalorian woman.. Mmm...
HK-47: Statement: Don't get so "lonely" Canderous.. You have Zaalbar now..
Canderous: SHUT UP!.. I know.. LETS BRING T3-M4 OUT AND GET HIM TO EXPLAIN THE FLAMETHROWER INCIDENT...
HK-47: Statement: Oh no..... Moving swiftly on!
*Carth wakes up as little tweety birds fly around his head.. His cheek severely bruised*
Carth: Did anyone get the number of that Mandalorian woman?
Canderous: Ha.. Told ya.
Canderous: *Looks at Revan* Well how about it sweetheart? You found out that Carth is a total loser, how about some real loving from a REAL man.
Revan: Shut up Wookie love slave! You slept with them too!-
Jolee: It's true! Carth only beat you by ten credits!
*Jolee the insane pimp in purple counts all his credits and grins evily to himself as his eyes shift from left to right*
Carth: But, Revan, sweetie. Those days are over.. I love only you! I don't want any other woman but you.. *Dreamy..*
Revan: Oh Carth...
Carth: Oh Revan...
*Carth and Revan have another session of tongue hockey..*
HK-47: Yawn... *Gazes at his watch..*
*They finish again and Revan clutches the rose in her hand proudly*
HK-47: Statement: Finished? Good. Well.. Let's bring out-
Jolee: *Mutter.. Mutter*
HK-47: Agitated Statement: Let's bring out-
Jolee: Goddamn orange doesn't go with purple... *Mutter.. Mutter*
HK-47: HIGHLY AGITATED QUERY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU NOW?
Jolee: I'm going to lose money!
HK-47: SUPER HIGHLY AGITATED QUERY: AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ORANGE CLASHING WITH PURPLE?
Jolee: Nothing! I'm a dirty old hermity man fo' shizzle.. I have to mutter about nothing in particular when I'm angry... Anyway... Do you want to know why?
HK-47: Statement: Not particularly.. I do want to reach for my blaster, however, and blow your brains out and paint a pretty picture of Kath Hounds in the fields of Dantooine..
Jolee: RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.. *Cough* Yes.. Well.. It's Mission.. My prized possession.. She's pregnant!
Carth and Canderous: IT WASN'T ME...
HK-47: *Droid like fingers tap together against each other* Statement: Yessss... My plans for galactical domination are almost complete....
Canderous: *Raises an eyebrow* What was that?
HK-47: Statement: Nothing.. Nothing.. muwhaha.. Erm.. Ok.. Lets bring out Juhani!
Jolee: Hey wait! What about the revelation of Mission being pregnant? RESPECT YOUR ELDERS SONNY.
HK-47: Query: Oh yes.. Who do you think the father is Mission?
Mission: Ya know.. I don't really know.. It could be Canderous.. It could be Carth.. It could even be Dustil.. Erm.. Then their's the dock worker *Mission averts her eyes upwards and starts to count the men on her blue fingers* the Czerka dude.. The sith guy.. Darth Bandon.. Darth Malak.. The swoop bike mechanic.. Master Vendar..
*An hour passes*
Mission: And finally.. ... That Republican pilot.. Damn.. I forgot his name.
HK-47: Statement: Stupid meatbags... *Droidal sigh* Ok.. Take Mission out back for a erm.. PRE BIRTH paternal test..
Jolee: That was NOT what I wanted to hear *Insane muttering* What about the damn credits I'm going to lose! NINE MONTHS.. I'm going to go from riches to rags... NO!.. Maybe I'll have to start smuggling again..
Carth: NEVERMIND THAT... What is my son doing sleeping with a prostitute?!?! HOW COULD HE BETRAY ME SO...
Revan: You can talk *Glare*
Carth: Ok sweetie.. Don't get testy... I'll be quiet now *Gulp*
Canderous: Buwhaha.. Frightened of the strong woman... Anyway.. Yea.. It definitely isn't me.. I KNOW it isn't me..
*Mission leaves backstage to have the paternity test.. Big Z just grunts and growls at Canderous*
HK-47: Statement: Your girlfriend is jealous.
Canderous: Your "it" is jealous that you're not giving "it's" flamethrower any attention..
HK-47: Agitated Statement: SHUT UP T3-M4 IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND...
Audience: *GASP* T3-M4 is a girl?!?
Canderous: Strange looking girl... Especially when you were caught with that flamethrower up your-
Carth: HAHAHAHAHA...
Revan: Just shut up Carth.. Before I shut you up..
Carth: Mummy...
Canderous: HAHAHAHAHA... Look who's laughing now flyboy.
HK-47: Statement: Moving swiftly on... Lets bring out our next guest on.. SECRET CRUSHES.. Although this has got very offtrack now-
Canderous: Why? Because we talked about your obsession with your girlfriend with a big flamethrower?!
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: Yes.. You know I'm the best...
HK-47: Statement: That's it Mandalorian meatbag scumbag scum scum scum! *Pulls his blaster out* No... Plan of Galactic dominance must carry through.. *Puts his blaster away*
Carth: What was that?! Betraying me again?!
HK-47: Statement: Nothing.. CAN WE PLEASE GET THE NEXT GUEST ON? ..Ok.. All the way from Cathar .. It's your favourite Cat.. Without whiskers.. JUHANI.
*Juhani walks through.. Purring as she sits down by Revan and strokes her hand.. Revan looks very disturbed.*
Revan: I don't like where this is going...
HK-47: Query: The question everyone is DYING to ask .. *Mutters* Literally I hope.. Is how the heck are you a cat with a Russian accent? I mean.. No one's really interested in the fact that you're stroking a human's hand.. oh no.. not at all..
*Carth doubles over on the floor laughing hysterically*
Revan: SHUT UP CARTH! I'll kill you.. I SWEAR I WILL!
Carth: *In the middle of his laughter* Oh man.. And I thought I had problems.
Canderous: *Dreamy* Mmm.. Mandalorian-like woman.. With CAT woman... *Drool* Say Revan.. And Juhani.. Wanna play a game of bedroom tag?
Canderous: *Shakes his head and snaps out of it* Hey Revan, forget the loser flyboy and the obsessed cat creature, I'm better than the both of them put together.
Revan: GREAT! Just great.. My choices are a flyboy who can't keep it in his pants.. A Mandalorian I could break in half and a sex crazed lesbian Cathar!
Juhani: But you said that you had feelings for me on the Ebon Hawk..
Revan: I was trying to make you feel better.. I didn't know you were going to turn into some crazed stalker!
Juhani: But..-
Revan: I knew because I saw you going through my underwear!
Carth: Revan.... YOU'RE BETRAYING ME?!?
Revan: If I get myself a midnight snack and don't bring you one you think I'm betraying you, you have some serious issues to work out, flyboy.
Carth: You're betraying me you *BEEP*
Revan: Put a sock in it flyboy! It was a one time thing.
Carth: But you're still betraying me.. GRR YOU'RE LIKE SAUL...
Revan: It wasn't anything serious to me. Me and Juhani were both drunk.. And you weren't around as per usual *Glare*
Jolee: Ha.. Yah.. That's right shizzles.. He was with Mission, I got 200 credits that night..
Canderous: HAHAHAHA...
Juhani: But you said you loved me.. That you would break up with Carth for me.
Revan: Well, I told old numbnuts that I loved him too, you know...
*Carth glares at her..*
Revan: Hey, don't look at me like that! I mean.. Really, what did you expect from the former Dark Lord of the Sith?
HK-47: Statement: Well, I knew what to expect from you Master. I just wish you didn't make a record of you and Juhani being together that night. I still have nightmares.. You are a cruel and torturous Master, you know that?
HK-47: Statement: Ok.. I hear from backstage that we have PROOF of the whole "I love you" deed.. Ugh.. If I could shudder at how ugly both you meatbags are .. I would.. This is disgusting... Bring out T3-M4..
Canderous: Oh great.. The droids girlfriend.
HK-47: Statement: QUIET.
*T3-M4 wheels him-.. er.. HERself out and beeps and boops a lot at the audience*
Canderous: Their's a recording of this?! Quickly.. QUICKLY I WANT A COPY..
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Carth: You recorded it?! Revan, how could you do that and not tell me?
Revan: I.. Er.. Didn't want to "strain" you after your night of passion with Mission.
Carth: I wasn't that strained!
HK-47: Statement: *Oil drool* You have your flamethrower of mass destruction today... love...
Canderous: I knew it HK! HAHAHAHA... You're seeing T3-M4... So the flamethrower story WAS true...
*Carth starts to laugh hysterically again*
HK-47: Statement: Oh damnit..
Jolee: Say T3-M4.. I have a job for you.. Are you interested?
T3-M4: Beep.. boop.. beep-beep-BEEEEEEEEEP.. *Playsback the video..*
*What happened next was not for PG-13 eyes...*
Canderous: *Mountains of drool* Yessssssss... Mandalorian like woman and Cathar...
Carth: Revan.. How could you?! *Turns his head to the side and his eyes widen* And.. W-Wow... How did you manage to get yourself into that position?
Revan: I.. Uh.. SWITCH IT OFF...
Carth: No really.. Tell me..
Revan: I'm a Jedi, you idiot!
*Juhani sits there looking smug with herself..*
*T3-M4's flamethrower flames a little bit as she seems smug with her .. little collection*
Carth: *Still watching but anger rising..* What the.. YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ME... You just lay there and moaned..!
Revan: I only moaned because I saw a crack in one of the ceiling tiles and knew it would have to be replaced before their was a breach in the hull.
Carth: *BEEP.. BEEP... BEEP*er
*Canderous is still drooling but stands up wanting attention*
Canderous: Family show.. Oh wait.. I forgot... The video.. um.. Dumb Mandalorian warrior moment then.
Audience: *Chants* Juhani.. Juhani.. Juhani..
Canderous: What about me?! I'm the greatest..
Audience: Oh yeah.. *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous sits back down. T3-M4 reaches the end of the video.. Flames her flamethrower again and wheels off*
HK-47: Statement: *Purr at T3-M4* Well.. Without further or do time for the results of the paternity tests.. *Listens carefully* HAHAH.. OH yes.. Time for revenge.. Meatbag *BEEP*. Well normally.. We would reveal this at the end of the show, but this is too good to leave out. We have the results of Mission's paternity tests.. Carth, you're off the hook! ... Congratulations Canderous.. YOU'RE A DADDY.
*Carth falls out the chair and starts laughing manically.*
*HK-47 brandishes his blaster and turns around in a circle like a nutter*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
*Canderous blushes..*
Jolee: YOU OWE ME NINE MONTHS OF CREDITS BOY..
*Canderous is getting more angry..*
Canderous: SHUT UP STUPID AUDIENCE.. SHUT UP DIRTY OLD MAN... I.. bla.. I hope its a boy.. HE'S GOING TO TAKE DOWN PLANETS I TELL YA!!!
HK-47: Query: Are you going to marry Mission and raise the kid properly? *Bursts into uncontrollable droidal laughter at the thought of what he just said*
Jolee: The hell he isn't. Mission is my prized possession, she's going to make me money and she's going to make sure I NEVER mix orange with purple.. I'm starting to lose my memory you know..
HK-47: Query: Really?
Jolee: Really what?
HK-47: Query: You're losing your memory?
Jolee: Who said that?
HK-47: Statement: ... You did.
Jolee: I did not! You should respect your elders you know.. Damn.. Orange and purple.. I really need someone to remind me not to mix those colours..
*The audience groans..*
HK-47: Query: So I'm really excited to know this Canderous. Are you going to do that?
Carth: Heh Heh.. At least my girlfriend isn't pregnant..
Revan: Guess again flyboy!
Carth: Ok.. After what I saw with you and Juhani.. It can't be mine..
Revan: You silly.. *Sigh* THAT WASN'T REAL..
Carth: *Blushes* Oh.. Um.. Right.. yeah.. Right on.. It's mine?!
Canderous: HAHAHA.. My turn to laugh.. Carth doesn't know what a-
HK-47: HIGHLY AGITATED STATEMENT: A FAMILY SHOW.. KEEP IT CLEAN.. well.. oops.. dumb droid statement.
Carth: Why are you laughing?
Jolee: Yeh... You have a huge shizzle debt hanging over your head BOY..
Carth: Heh Heh.. At least me and Revan are getting married..
Revan: If you'll ever commit to a date.
Zaalbar: GRUNT.. GROgoOOWOWLOWLW... GRRRRRRRUNT..
Jolee: Yeah.. And you have one *BEEP* wookie to add to your troubles too.. You're mistress.. Zaalbar.. Say Zaalbar.. Are you interested in a little job?
Juhani: Revan? Are you seriously going to marry him? What about me?
Revan: Well.. It was fun Juhani, but I think Carth is serious about changing his ways and I do have the baby to think about.
HK-47: Statement: Well.. That's what YOU think.. Bring on the Jedi BITCH Bastila.. err.. oops..
*Bastila trots on with arrogance and sits down away from the group acting like she's better than everyone else.*
Canderous: Why.. Hello little prissy Jedi princess..
Bastila: Canderous, I TOLD you to save that for the bedroom.
*Carth looks away from Revan and starts to fidget nervously..*
Bastila: And YOU.. Commander Onasi.. *Swoon* Remember the other night?
Carth: *Nervous laughter* I have no idea what you're talking about Bastila
Bastila: Come on.. Be honest.. *Grabs hold of Carth's knee*
Carth: I.. Uh...
*Revan slaps Carth across the face on the other cheek now.. Leaving a big bruise there.. Canderous jumps up and splits them apart.. Zaalbar joins in..*
Canderous: HK.. HELP.. THE WOOKIE IS TRYING TO *BEEP* RAPE ME!
HK-47: Statement: HAHAHA.... Go get him Big Z..
Canderous: HK you.. *BEEP* homo!
HK-47: Statement: A homo? Is that one of your made up words that you and Zaalbar made up?.. No I won't save you.. FEEL THE WRATH OF THE WOOKIE.. mmm galaxy domination!
*Mission suddenly runs out and grabs a chair.. Whacking Zaalbar across the back with it*
Mission: I didn't want to do that.. BUT GET OFF MY FUTURE HUSBAND..
Canderous: Mission.. I'm NOT gonna marry you..
Jolee: Damn straight shizzle.
Mission: But..
Canderous: Mission no.. I'm not going to!
Revan: *In the chaos* Carth you no good *BEEP* *BEEP* of a *BEEP* I'd be better off raising this kid with Juhani!
Mission: But I don't want my baby to grow up without a Daddy like me..
HK-47: Yawn...
Jolee: I'll be it's "Daddy" if it's a girl Mission.. Fo shure!
Canderous: *Sigh* Fine, I would marry you Mission. I just don't have any money to pay Jolee off..
HK-47: Statement: Can't be bothered with this.. CALM DOWN
*HK-47 brandishes a thermal detonator and everyone dashes to their seats like musical chairs.. HK-47 laughs manically*
Bastila: *Brushes her ragged hair up now* I mean.. Revan, what did you expect? Carth is so *Swoons* handsome.
Carth: I.. heh.. I.. *Blush*
Females in Audience: *Swoon* Carrrrrrth..
Bastila: And you and I KNOW when he went to all those Cantina's.. Even the one on Korriban he was having girls here and there..
*Carth laughs nervously and rubs his sore cheeks as he fidgets around..*
Bastila: I mean.. Lets have a little test.. All girls that have slept with Carth Onasi in the audience, raise your hands.
*All the swooning women in the audience raise their hands*
Bastila: SEE. There you have it.
Canderous: Princess..
Bastila: Quiet Canderous! I am the wielder of the Battle Meditation... I am the best!!!
*A tiny midget Yoda looking thing walks in from the back..*
Master Vendar: We shall see about that Bastila..
HK-47: Statement: YOU.. It wasn't your turn to come out yet!!!
Master Vendar: The force led me here.. I am here now.. I am yes..
Bastila: YOU.. THE MIDGET...
Master Vendar: I must tell you Bastila.. I must.. About your battle meditation!
Bastila: NO PLEASE... NOT THAT..
Master Vendar: No.. I must let you all know.. I MUST!
Bastila: Master.. I beg you! DON'T!
Carth: I already know what he's going to say.. And on behalf of the Republic and the depths of my heart, I'd like to thank you for your services Bastila, you've made many a lonely fighter happy.
Canderous: What's this princess?
Revan: You slept with Bastila the galactic *BEEP* often Carth?!
Carth: Yeah.. I did.. But I was lonely then! And.. it was before I fell madly in love with you darling..
*Bastila shudders from head to toe*
Master Vendar: But this is not the whole truth.. No it is not!
Carth: Yeah.. Bastila was what the Jedi provided us in the Republic.. She used to well.. Sleep around.. It made the men happy though! It made us concentrate.. Damn.. It was good...
*Carth trances off*
Jolee: How about purple and green? Or.. Purple and a black-y-grey-y colour?
*Jolee walks up to Master Vendar and starts to compare his purple suit against Vendar's skin tone*
Master Vendar: It suits you it does! .. And yes that is the whole truth it is! This is how the Republic won many battles.. Revan you should be proud you should.. Me and Jolee are like best friends now we are... Both old and silly pimps.. .. shizzle it is shizzle..
*Carth is still in a trance and Revan slaps him again*
Canderous: HAHAHA.. Sure you still don't want a REAL man Revan?
*Revan slaps Canderous*
*Mission slaps Canderous*
*Bastila slaps Canderous*
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Revan: Proud?! Proud that I have an oversexed dog for a boyfriend?!
HK-47: Statement: T3-M4... MMM you hot momma.. Galactic domination.. Phase 15!!
Carth: Revan, honey! I swear, I'll change my ways! Please don't leave me! Think of the baby!
HK-47: Query: Are you still going to get married?
*After five seconds thought...*
Revan: Yes! ... You hear that flyboy? This is your last chance, I mean it!
HK-47: Statement: Ok.. But first lets bring on our final guest.. DUSTIL ONASI...
*Dustil comes out and runs straight to his father swearing and stamping all sorts*
Dustil: ROOOOOOOOOARAROOOOOOOAR *HORMONAL TEENAGE STAMPING* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *Then turns to Revan* You may have indirectly caused the death of my mother, but my father is a self-centred, cheating *BEEP* And I don't care if it's my Father's child.. I'll take care of you. *Wink and smile* Plus.. He's.. Really.. Old.
Revan: oo-er.. *Swoon*
Carth: HOW DARE YOU ..... HOW DARE YOU FLIRT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND... WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.. AND UH.... ARE YOU BETRAYING ME REVAN???
Canderous: Ya don't like it do you Carth.. Stupid Republican fool.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Revan: Of course not. It's just.. I never noticed how strong and handsome your boy is.. And he's young too.
*Dustil just smiles*
Revan: *Feeling Dustil's upper arm* Do you work out often, Dustil?
Carth: THAT'S IT... CARTH ONASI IS GONNA HAVE A RAMPAGE...
*Carth grabs a chair and tries to throw it at his son in pure jealousy.. Dustil dodges it.. Canderous gets up.*
Canderous: Well start cheering you slow *BEEP*ers.
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: MUCH better..
*Canderous stops the fight*
Dustil: Chill out old man before you have a heart attack! You've got plenty of women falling all over each other for you, do you really need Revan?
Carth: I made a lot of mistakes Dustil.. But I love Revan and marry her I will!
HK-47: Statement: Vendar.. Just marry them already you midget pimp.
*Vendar hops up making hoppy sounds as he starts to marry Revan and Carth*
*Revan whispers something in Dustil's ear..*
Dustil: WOOHOO! I mean.. That works for me, I mean ok!
Carth: *Raises an eyebrow..* Betrayal?
Revan: Shut up.
Canderous: Idiot..
Master Vendar: We are gathered here today we are.. To see the joining of two.. really.. stupid people.. indeed.. Revan and Carth.. I am the pimp reverand.. And.. Do you Revan yes do you take Carth the cheating ass who made me and Jolee very rich to be your lawful jedi wedded husband?
Revan: Yes!
Juhani: NEVER!!!
*Juhani leaps from her seat.. like a.. Cat thing.. and starts to throw chairs in the weddings direction*
Canderous: Look.. I'm too old for this.. Wait.. OH MY GOD.. I'm turning into a "homo" did I just say I'm too old to FIGHT?!
Audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
Canderous: Shuddup.. I'm gettin' to it.. Just my bones are creakin'..
*Canderous leaps up and restrains Juhani until she calms down.. The wedding continues*
Master Vendar: Do you Carth Onasi take the woman who is going to no doubt betray you again.. And you are such a dense silly moron to see it.. as your lawful jedi wedded wife?
Carth: Betrayal?! Er.. Yes I do!
Bastila: YOU.. ARGH... I LOVE YOU CARTH!!
Females in Audience: KILL THAT BASTILA BITCH WE MUST HAVE CARTH FOR OURSELVES..
*A riot starts.. Canderous leaps up again.. This time he brandishes his HEAVY REPEATER*
Canderous: STUPID WOMEN GET BACK.. GEEEET BACK!
Men in audience: *Chants* Canderous.. Canderous.. Canderous..
HK-47: Statement: Alright you organic meatbag scum! Let's have one happy thing happen on this show! Now sit down and be quiet or you're all going to have a Thermal Detonator somewhere extremely sensitive!
*The riot subsides.. and the wedding continues*
Master Vendar: I think I'm going to cry I am...
HK-47: Query: You're another stupid meatbag that I'd like to spread on the floor like Brussel pate.. Why do you want to cry?
Master Vendar: Because I'm going to marry the man that earnt me and Jolee so much money!
Carth: That was in the past...
Revan: Get on with it.. I'm horny.
Carth: *Eyes light up* Really? And uh.. Can we uh.. Try that position?
Revan: Um.. Yeah!
Master Vendar: I now pronounce you man and wife.. Kiss and.. *Cries* All that... *Sniffle*
*Revan and Carth smoochies.. They walk off the stage.. Juhani breaks down crying.. Dustil just stands their with an evil grin on his face*
And now.. For the final moral wording... We bring you HK-47!
HK-47: Statement: It is Christmas.. And it's not everyday you have something as crazy as this.. But remember, even when you do.. The best way is.. To get a blaster.. Kill some meatbags.. Squash.. SQUISH.. ERR YEAH! And um.. *Wears a Santa hat* Guess what I'm going to get you for Christmas? GALACTICAL DOMINATION!!!!!!
Credits Roll.. Extremely fast.. *THIS WAS A JADEDRAGON / NIMA ONASI COLLABORATION!*
Juhani: What are you smiling at you little punk?
Dustil: Revan told me what I'm getting for Christmas..
Jolee: Oh my word! I found out.. NAVY BLUE.. It's a perfect colour!!!!!
Finis.