Disclaimer: I don't own it.
Season: 8
Parings: SJ and SP
Remarkable
Samantha Carter was settling, and she knew it. The need for normalcy had been too great. She had convinced herself Pete was going to give her the normal life she craved. The husband, home, kids, and dog.
But really, who was she kidding? Her life wasn't normal, and never would be. She began to wonder if Pete could handle that. So far, he'd taken it all in stride. But what would it be like when they were actually married? When he realized what her job really entailed? What would happen when she was offworld for days at a time, sometimes returning injured? What about the stress and long hours in the lab? Would he be able to deal with the secrets long term? What about when she woke from a nightmare, and he couldn't chase her fears away because he didn't know what to chase?
Sam knew Pete Shanahan was wrapped around her little finger. He truly loved her, and would do anything to make her happy. But that didn't make a successful marriage, not if she didn't feel 100 percent the same way. While she had been leading him on, she'd been leading herself on. It was time to face the facts.
If she was honest with herself, there was one reason she was with Pete, and one reason only. He gave her the intimate contact she needed, emotionally and physically. It had been so long since someone had simply held her, said I love you, or reminded her she could enjoy the finer things in life. Pete would take her on a picnic, bring her flowers, or lounge in bed with her on a Saturday morning. Believe it or not, Samantha Carter did enjoy those sorts of things…though only to a certain extent. Those things were only a small part of who she was. Sam Carter was naquadah reactors, comfy BDUs, and blue jello, not make-up, frilly dresses, and wine. She sometimes thought Pete forgot that. At times he was just too sweet, too romantic…too much like a puppy. Sam had to chuckle at the comparison.
There were just some things Pete would never know about her, or understand. He would never truly 'get' her. Sure, she loved him. He made her feel treasured and special. He was sure to nurture the 'girly' side of her that had been neglected for so many years. That was wonderful. But lately, it had gotten to the point where it became annoying. She wanted the things Pete offered in smaller doses…and not from him.
No matter how right Pete thought they were for each other, it wouldn't last. The relationship was wrong in so many ways. The words façade, desperate, normal, and fake came to mind-words she didn't normally associate with herself. So why had she lied to herself for so long? To the point where she was about to marry a man who really didn't know her, that she didn't know?
The normalcy issue was a part of it, but she'd just blown that notion out of the water. The real reason was she had given up on them…on Sam and Jack. Given up on something that would never have the chance to flourish.
The one thing in her life Sam was certain of was that she loved him. Not hero worship or because he was off limits. She was in love with Brigadier General Jack O'Neill. It was powerful, deep, and…. She couldn't even begin to describe what she felt for him.
However, it could never be. Not with their military positions and the nature of their jobs. There had to be sacrifices; the fate of the world took precedence over their feelings. It would continue to until the Goa'uld were defeated.
The years had taken their toll. Sam was missing out on things most people took for granted. Jack had told her many times to get a life-she shouldn't have to wait for something that might never happen. He had been wonderful when she began seeing Pete. Jack had been so blasé about the whole thing. She knew it was a front, that it must bother him, just as it had bothered her when he'd given up on Edora. That had hurt, a lot. She had hurt him the same way, all in the name of normalcy! What had she been thinking?
Sam had never meant for it to go so far. Now that it had, she really wished it hadn't. She was feeling guilty for ever being with him at all. Pete was a safe bet, an easy way out. Since when did Sam Carter do things the easy way?
She thought she had been content with her life before Pete. Now she recognized she'd been happy pre-Pete. Maybe she wasn't meant to be married. Or perhaps she was, to the one man who, if given the chance, could give her everything she wanted, including fulfilling the part of her that yearned for intimacy-the one area he currently wasn't allowed to broach. Instead she was settling for mediocrity.
Well, she was facing the facts, wasn't she? There was nothing extraordinary about Pete. He was your average guy who wanted an average life. In that case, he'd definitely picked the wrong woman. Not that there was anything wrong with wanting a simple life. That just wasn't Sam. Pete didn't challenge her. Jack, though he appeared uncomplicated, was very complex. He continuously surprised her, and was, well, stimulating.
Pete was a cop, which was a good and honorable job. She admired him for choosing it as his career. But somehow, saving the world, even the galaxy, in a day's work made writing speeding tickets seem inconsequential. Sam sighed. She wasn't even sure that Pete was as honorable as she hoped. He had put her and her team in jeopardy because he wanted to know more about her. He had followed her! She should have been angrier at him. Maybe it was because he hadn't actually died. Or perhaps it was because she had always liked men in uniform.
Pete was a nice looking guy, cute in a boyish way. But somehow Jack could be boyishly cute, amazingly handsome, and distinguished all at once. And his hair! It was always sticking up, and she found it difficult to suppress the urge to run her hands through it. Looks weren't everything, but Jack was just delectable. Sam shook her head. She knew where this was leading. She was comparing the two men in her life. It was no contest. Pete Shanahan paled in comparison to Jack O'Neill in every respect.
Sometimes Pete would look at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. His jaw would graze the floor, and she was sure he was drooling. At first she'd been flattered. Now she wanted him to pick his jaw up and get a mop.
Jack could send her the same message in a much more discreet way. The way he would look at her sent shivers down her spine all the way to her toes. Her insides would go mushy-not a very scientific term, but that was the only way to describe it. A single look, that look, from Jack would move her more profoundly than a night of passion with Pete. Sam found herself thinking that if one look from him did that to her, what would it be like to touch him freely, to kiss him, to-yeah, you get the picture. She imagined it would be mind blowing. She regretfully remembered it had been she that instigated the first night she and Pete spent together. Desperate for something she hadn't experienced in so long. Oh, they'd moved way too fast. Then again, so many years of purposefully not touching Jack were starting to eat away at her. When Jack had embraced her so tightly after Janet died, she had never wanted to let go.
That was another thing. Pete would try to comfort her, but he didn't know how. Jack knew, he always did. Whether or not he could do anything about it was a different story. He'd held her after the super soldier incident. He had asked if she wanted to get up. He understood that's what she'd probably want. And on any other day, she would have insisted. But she'd been tired and scared. Jack had pulled her close, letting her finally rest in the safety of his arms.
On the other hand, after Fifth, he had not been so open. When she'd seen him alive and well she wanted nothing more than to launch herself into his arms. To feel his breath on her neck, his heart against her chest. She'd missed him that much. But the proper military decorum had to remain in place.
Pete was in the unfortunate position of being left out of the loop. He'd never know the close calls she had with her team, what they'd been through together. He'd never been taken as a host, seen his friends die, or been tortured. He had no idea. He couldn't fully understand how to calm her fears or fix what was wrong. There was also no way to tell him that when things went south during a mission, her thoughts weren't of getting home to him. That at night his arms weren't the ones she truly wanted to be wrapped in.
Of course Jack could never be there in all the ways he needed to be. Not while the military ruled their lives. Admittedly, he wasn't good with words, but that's how he was. Sometimes he seemed downright cold, even to those closest to him. But Sam knew him well enough to know there was much more underneath. Sometimes, when the walls crumbled between them, and it was just Jack and Sam, she saw how good they could be together. And it scared her. In many ways they were nothing alike; in others they were exactly the same. They could be incredible together, but apparently it wasn't meant to be.
Kids. Wow. Where did that come from? She figured Pete would be a good dad. She hadn't seen him with children, but she knew he wanted some. Jack, she was sure, would be a great dad. What happened to Charlie had been horrific, but that didn't mar her image of him as a father. His interactions with Skaara, 'Charlie', Merrin, and especially Cassie had touched her. He was amazing with them, and the children loved him as well. Kids and Jack O'Neill were drawn together like magnets.
Magnets. His solution for everything. Even after all these years he still played dumb. Sam was aware he didn't comprehend every word that came out of her mouth-few people did. But he knew much more than he let on. He just liked for her to explain things to him, and to get her to smile.
And he did. She found herself smiling at him much more than the regs probably approved of. Sometimes, she rewarded him with 'his' smile, which she did in fact reserve just for him. In return, he sent Sam 'her' smile. She would laugh at his jokes, no matter how corny, because she thought he was funny. Irreverent sometimes, but funny all the same. Pete would make her laugh, but only because he was goofy. Still, it wasn't as amusing.
Sam knew Jack wasn't perfect; no one was. Sometimes she could kiss him, others she could deck him. She loved him, and she could let things slide because there was more good than bad. If she really loved Pete, perhaps she could overlook those things about him that bothered her. But instead, he had become progressively annoying.
For instance, the time he had show up after a hard mission unannounced. It was late and she wasn't expecting him. Yet there he was, perky and revving to go. If it had been Jack, or any member of her team, they would have been welcome. They would know first hand what had gone on and would be a source of comfort and understanding.
Pete had apologized for showing up unexpectedly and asked 'What's wrong, babe?' As always, she couldn't say, and so help her, if he called her babe one more time… The next day they'd gone to the park and watched black and white movies all afternoon. It had been nice. The whole Pete thing had been nice for a while, but it was a farce. She couldn't slap a ring on her finger and forget where her heart truly lay.
Sam took off her engagement ring, looking at it thoughtfully. It wasn't really her style. Now Dr. Carter from the alternate reality-her ring had been beautiful, what she would have preferred. She hoped the Jack in her reality had been as remarkable as the one in hers.
Remarkable. When she had been growing up, her mother had said she was remarkable, that she was a unique and special soul. Sam had never forgotten those words. Throughout her life others had dubbed her as such-her father, her professors, Jack. She'd taken it to heart, not to her head. And when she considered it, remarkable and mediocre did not equal remarkable. But two remarkable people, that equaled something beyond what she could fathom. Her mother had said she was remarkable, and she wasn't going to prove her wrong.