Broken Family, Broken Clary Chapter 1: I'm not fine,, a mortal instruments fanfic

I know I should be writing Lost but Not So Much Alone, but I had this idea and I had to write it so you know read it and review it! Haha

Also I always for to write this with my chapters but I do not own the mortal instruments or any of its characters they all belong to Cassandra Clare blah you know it, I know it, we all know it and it's really sad. :-(

Chapter 1: I'm not fine, I'm barely coping

After my father died I guess you could say things were different. My mother was broken, she hardly spoke and when she did it was telling my brother and I that dinner was ready, that she was going back to bed or that she was going out to her art studio. It had been 5 months and nothing was changing. My brother had got into a strong relationship with my best friend Izzy, they were so in love with each other and I didn't mind sharing my best friend with Jon, he deserved to have someone there for him. I on the other hand decided that I didn't need anyone or anything with the exception of my dear music. Music was my escape, the only thing that really kept me stable. Luke –my father- was a very talented musician, I got all my talent from him and maybe a bit more, he taught me everything I know. Anyways, when things got a little too hard for me or when things didn't go the way I planned I would go out to my backyard and follow the track that leads from right at the very back fence to a bright green clearing with a big apple tree next to a big pond in the middle of the woods, it was beautiful. If I wasn't out there playing music I was probably out there painting, a trait I got from my mother.

So this is where I sit now, on a green grassy patch underneath the giant apple tree, thinking about how my life has changed, how it became so hard to just wake up every day and how I have to be the strong one in the family, the one to take care of everyone else, but there's no one here to take care of me.

It's a beautiful day in new York, the sky is a clear blue and the sun is piercing through the woods, Its lonely out here, I miss when Jonathon used to come out here with me and we would sing songs until it got dark. I miss when the whole family came out here when dad was still alive and we would swim in the pond and have picnics. I miss me and Izzy being so much closer than what we are now. I miss my mother talking to me. I miss everything. I hate what my life has become. I just want someone to notice me, someone to help me cope. Everyone just thinks I'm fine.

I am most definitely not.

I reach for my guitar before I can get lost in my emotions and I begin to strum letting my fingers choose the song for me.

When I was younger
I told my mother
"I say, one day I'm gonna make you proud"

Now that I'm older
it's so much harder
to say those words out loud

It's weird how I can do that, pick a song without knowing and have it describe exactly how I feel.

You're growing taller
a little smarter
and one day you're gonna leave home
oh, will you look like your mothers father
oh, when your fully grown?

Ooh ooh oh oh oh oho ho…

When I was younger, I asked my father
"why are we so human?"
Now that I'm older
I think I figured it out
were just doing what we can

Oh ooh oh oh…

Because I won't
I won't let you down
I won't let you
I won't let you down, oh now
I won't, I won't let you down
I won't let you, I won't let you, I won't, I won't let you down

When I was younger, I told my mother
"I say, one day I'm gonna make you proud"

I put my guitar on the ground beside me and lie on my back with my long crimson hair acting as a pillow and I look up at the sky biting back tears as my pain gets the better of me.

I have no idea how long I just lied under that tree, but it was dark when I got home. You'd think that if your daughter or sister was nowhere to be found for hours and turns up about 7:00 well you'd think you'd be worried would you? Well no of course not, not with my family anyway. I walk in through the back door and stroll into the kitchen with my guitar strapped to my back and find a plate with my name on it, literally,

Clary,
Went to bed early, here's your dinner, just heat it up in the microwave.
Love Mom, xx

I scoff and leave the plate on the table, really not feeling hungry. I walk into the living room and see that the TV is already occupied. Jonathon and Izzy lay on the couch, snuggled up 'watching the TV' if that's what you call shoving your tongue down each other's throat.

"Really guys? Really?" I say as I grab the remote of the coffee table and sit on another lounge next theirs, sitting my guitar beside me. I start flicking through channels, "Clary! What the hell!" Jonathon yells and Izzy just laughs, "Hey it's my house to," I find a channel that's playing an old movie called Blue Lagoon and leave it on that, I glance over at my brother and best friend; they are now sitting up, my brother glaring at me with his dark eyes and Izzy who has a big grin on her face. "Well this room was occupied," Jonathon says without removing his glare. "And if you don't mind leaving that'd be great." Izzy smacks Jon on the shoulder, "leave her alone, we can just go to your room," I fake a gag and get up from my seat, "Whatever, do what you want. Hey to you to Iz." I sigh, grab my guitar and walk out seeing Izzy's confused face on the way, I just shake my head. I don't feel ready for my bed just yet so I walk out the front door and onto the street instead, I walk to my father's old music studio and use the hidden key to unlock the door, I turn on all the lights and walk into the first studio, sitting my guitar down carefully, turning the microphone and all the technical stuff on pressing play on the music I want to sing. I walk to the microphone, putting the headphones on and sing my heart out. Song after song.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I'll set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Every song I play has some sort of meaning. Sometimes I can never place them, but I can still feel it. Still feel the pain that eases slightly when I sing.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh

After the fifth song I feel like I should go home, but when I think about it, no one really cares right? They don't care when I come home, so there's no point. So I stay and sing another.

Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you

Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you

I sing this song like I've never sung any other. All of my feelings have been bottled up for so long I just feel like I'm slipping, I feel as though if I don't sing as strongly as I can, ill fall, I'll break and I really just don't think I'll find my way back. Not by myself anyway.

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aero plane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you

If these wings could fly

I stand still for a moment after I finish the song, not opening my eyes. Trying to stop myself from falling apart. When I look up I see a speck of gold, not a speck, a person, a male. A very attractive male that glows. I stare at him unsure of what he's doing, knowing I should probably be asking what the hell he's doing in here, but his eyes are on mine and mine on his, and it feels like I can't even move. Like I'm stuck to my spot. Even his eyes are golden, his golden eyes on my emerald ones. Who is this guy?

My eyes begin stinging making me blink and with that he's gone. Did I just imagine that or was that real? I run out to the street and see nothing.

No body.

What the hell?

Okay so this is just really rough and I don't know if I like it at all yet, so I just want to see what you guys think. I have the whole story mapped out as well. So yeah haha anyways, review! oh and the movie Blue Lagoon haha its actually good, I was watched the other day haha

The songs in this are not mine – I don't own them blah blah blah - really hate doing these things -
In order from the story:
1. When I was younger - Liz Lawrence
2. Scientist – Coldplay
3. Wings - Birdy