Arms were locking her in place. One hand was dancing around the edge of her skirt; the other was rubbing her lower back. Lily felt sick. The hands were not the hands she wanted. Instead of feeling loved and safe in the arms of the fairly attractive guy; she felt trapped and frightful.
Lily's grandmother kept birds in a small cage inside her house. Lily felt like those birds.
"Excuse me," she murmured, pushing herself out of the enclosure and towards the bathrooms. The hallway which led to the bathrooms was unlit and if not for her mobile phone's screen brightness she would've been plunged into darkness. It was to be preferred, at least this way Lily could pretend she had had too many shots and the darkness was due to the alcohol blurring her vision.
Lily could pretend that she hadn't only had one pint of cider almost two hours ago and was feeling absolutely, cold stoned sober.
After last weekend's catastrophe, Lily had decided it would probably be a good idea to skip the drinking. It was best if her friends and family didn't see her in that sort of state again for a while. She did after all; need to convince them she was improving. However even without the alcohol in her system, Lily felt the desire to call him. Apparently, even without alcohol Lily could be a complete idiot.
Bringing the phone to her ear, Lily dodged the swung open door and two girls who glared in her direction. Facing the corner she tried to control her breathing and heart rate. Even drunk she had never made it so far to actually press the button.
"'Ello?" the voice so smooth ran over her and it was like breathing in fresh air for the first time in months.
"It's not fair," Lily played with a strip of wallpaper which was beginning to peel back. Memories were flooding back to her with just the sound of his voice. So many events which she had shut off in the back of her mind in the hopes that if she forgot to remember, she wouldn't miss him anymore.
She could hear his breathing and nothing else. Suddenly the loud music blasting throughout the air was gone. Suddenly the brushing of people who sprinted to the bathrooms was non-existent. Lily was alone with the phone and the boy on the other line.
It had been like that when they were together. The world just wouldn't matter and all Lily could see, think or feel would be him. Him waiting for her at the busy station packed with commuters in the evening. His fingers intertwined with hers as they sat on Trafalgar Square steps looking towards Big Ben. Her only thoughts being of how she wished it would last forever.
"When I'm sober, I miss you. When I'm drunk, I miss you. When I've had so many shots I can't even remember my own name, I miss you."
Lily peeled the sparkling black wallpaper marginally back further revealing a painted blue wall. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend he was next to her and not miles away. If she let herself relax she could still feel his lips on her cheek.
"Just kidding," the voice continued.
It had been months since she had last called. Lily wasn't surprised his phone plan hadn't been cancelled. His mother probably called five times a day still to hear James' voice. It wasn't until Lily felt like her heart had been ripped out like it had the first time she had called his phone to no pick up, that she remembered why she had stopped calling. The car, the screams, the sirens; it all came back to her like a tsunami pulling her under until all she could remember was the flood of pain.
"I'm not here at the moment but leave a message and I'll try to get back to you."
Lily had peeled off a lot more wallpaper than she had initially planned. There was now a hole in the wallpaper, the light blue contrasting greatly with the dark night sky wallpaper.
"It's just not fair."