Rating: T for language and debatable insanity
Pairing: Onsided?Shizaya
Warnings: Shizu-chan trolling, Shinra and Celty are worse(best)friends, and Izaya mental breakdown
Disclaimer: You know I don't own it because there's probably inconsistencies and last name spelling errors.I haven't watched this anime in years, and was just about to finally check out DRRR!x2 when this plot(?) attacked my mind and would not be expelled until it was given physical representation.
Notes: I'M ALIVE. NO REALLY, I PROMISE.
(This takes place probably not long after the final episode of season one?)
(Unbeta'd, so please don't be afraid to point out any errors you come across)
Izaya Orihara does not get caught off guard.
He has contingency plans for his contingency plans, and even if the outcome of a situation is the one he least expects, it's still expected.
Izaya may have trouble on occasion predicting the exact breaking point to Shizuo's temperament when he goes out of his way to set the monster off, but the moment is still inevitable, and he always knows just what to say to reach the eventual wanted conclusion.
But this time?
This time not so much.
In fact, the possible insults and words of sly goading are still on the tip of his tongue seconds after he locks eyes with the narrowed gaze hidden behind blue-tinted sunglasses.
The blonde is rushing him in seconds, and though this isn't the first response Izaya expected (Shizu-chan usually lets him get a word in or at least exclaims, "Izaaaaaayaaaaaaa!" before the inevitable vending machine or street sign gets tossed) it's far from new.
Shizuo is rather fast for a brute but Izaya trusts in his own reflexes to tell him how best to avoid being smashed into the pavement while still dealing the most mental aggravation to his opponent. So Izaya stands there, body tense but outwardly arrogant appearing as he lets the blonde get right into her personal space.
He watches every movement Shizuo makes to warn him how the other will attack, and is briefly puzzled when the subtle muscle twitches aren't in preparation of a strike but more consistent with grabbing-
Chapped lips and huge ape hands bogart their way into his critical thought process. He can almost feel his brain cells fizzling out and smell the smoke of chemical malfunction in his head as he stares, blankly, at the out of focus tan face much too close to his own.
The chapped lips pull back off his own and function slowly begins its return to his mind as systems are rebooted.
Huge ape hands are still resting heavily on his shoulders and making the fur of his hood brush uncomfortably against his neck.
Izaya wonders what the hell his expression must look like right now, because his body has lost the ability to accept signals from his brain so he's just standing there, slack-jawed, while the equivalent of a human tower hovers above him.
The brute's mouth is now moving and sounds commonly identified as the Japanese language are coming out, but he still can't quite grasp his situation.
Shizuo shakes Izaya rather gently for someone with his strength and growls, "Izaya! You okay? The hell's wrong with you?"
What's wrong with him…?
What's wrong with him!?
Izaya is rather mortified to say he actually stutters as he struggles to make his mouth emit comprehensible speech, "What's wrong with ME? Y-You just kissed me!"
And there it is; the truth of the situation plain as day. He was just kissed fully on the lips by Ikebukuro's resident monster.
Shizuo stares down at him perplexedly, eyebrows furrowed, corner of his mouth dipping down. "Yeah, so?"
Izaya sputters, attempting to take a step back but held immobile by the blonde's unrelenting grip on his shoulders. "SO?"
"I kiss you all the time," Shizuo says bluntly, as if Izaya is the one who has got this wrong; Izaya is the one being weird here!
The beast perpetuates this by reaching up and pressing the back of one bear hand to the shorter man's forehead, clearing checking him for fever.
Izaya's intellect having finally made adequate progress in restoring itself, the info broker quickly pulls out his switch blade and makes to slash at Shizuo's jugular.
The latter flinches back at the sudden attack, eyes widening as the swipe narrowly misses though the tip of the weapon still succeeds in knocking off his glasses.
Smug comprehension quickly takes the place of surprise on his face and he immediately snatches Izaya's wrist and twists roughly, forcing the blade to be drop to the ground.
"Oh, I see," Shizuo's tone lowers with a throaty rumble as he pulls Izaya closer by his waist. "You wanna roleplay, Flea? We haven't done that in a while…"
'Deer caught in headlights' is not enough of a description for what Izaya Orihara's face is doing right now.
"I-…wha-…?" Izaya starts, although not sure himself how he wants to respond.
Shizuo leans in closer, lips an inch from his ear and breathes, "I caught you pretty easy this time, Flea."
Involuntary shivers travel throughout his body before Izaya. This gives Shizuo the opportunity to sweep him right into his arms. The squawk protesting disbelief that is made goes overlooked as the blonde takes long strides out of the area.
When Shinra gets out the shower there are six missed calls from Izaya.
Grinning impishly, because of course Shinra knows exactly what's happening with his friend right now, he doesn't hesitate to call back.
The line connects halfway through the first ring, which is immediately followed by the harsh and borderline frantic whisper of, "Shinra!"
Shinra has to pause in his effort to dry his hair with a towel using one hand and stare at the phone's touch screen that displays Izaya's name. "Izaya?" Certainly he must have accidently called the wrong person. He can't ever remember a time in the past he's heard genuine emotion come from this man.
"Shinra, what the hell is going on!?"
Shinra finds it a tad humorous that Izaya jumps to the conclusion that he would be involved in what's 'going on,' but holds back a chuckle and instead responds as he would be expected to. "What do you mean? Is something wrong?"
By now, Shinra has entered the living area of the apartment he shares with Celty, who is lounging on the couch. He can tell by her body language that she's listening in on his conversation as he walks around behind her and rests his arms on the back of the furniture, cell held snugly between his shoulder and ear.
Izaya is silent on the other end for several seconds, then, finally, "Shizu-chan molested me on the street!"
A loud snort escapes without his control, but he quickly slaps a hand over his mouth to stifle it? "He what?" Shinra asks hoarsely, struggling to contain himself. Celty, on the other hand, doesn't even bother to hide her mirth as her shoulders shake heavily with obvious laughter.
Shinra doesn't find the statement hard to believe, but he has certainly never expected to hear that particular phrase from Izaya's mouth with that amount of panic in his voice.
Izaya wasn't finished yet apparently, "Then he carried me against my will back to my own apartment, which he somehow got a KEY for, and-and-… his stuff is here! Why's his stuff here!?"
Celty has fallen over on her side and is holding onto her stomach as she continues to laugh at Izaya's expense. Shinra doesn't dare remove the hand keeping his lips shut.
"When I try to attack him and demand he tell me what's going on he thinks I'm role-playing! He insists we've been-…dating," The last bit is said with an obviously horrified inflection, "and living together for months! MONTHS, Shinra!"
Celty has rolled off the couch and onto the floor, whilst Shinra drapes over the back of it to hold himself upright as he buries his face into the cushions and beats his fist against it to remain in control.
"A-And, uh," Shinra barely manages to rasp out, "Where is Shizuo now?"
"He's in my room! Laying on MY bed! His clothes are in my closet and his toothbrush is in my bathroom!" Shinra conjures up an image of Izaya crouching down somewhere in his apartment, hiding from his impromptu 'boyfriend,' and fretting over this personal invasion.
Shinra clears his throat, mentally shakes off the hilarity of the situation, and states with all the bluntness he can muster, "Well, you know you two are dating, right, Izaya?"
A minute of daunting silence.
"…WHAT?"
Celty reaches up and slaps lightly at his arm as her body still trembles with her silent giggles. She's clearly saying, 'You're terrible,' though she's hardly any better since it's her who was responsible for setting up Izaya's apartment while he was just the one who forged the key.
"Yep," Shinra confirms with no remorse, "Been almost a year actually. Did… you hit your head or something, Izaya?"
The sound of a clatter can be heard from the other end, and Shinra comes to the correct conclusion that the phone was just dropped.
Whilst Izaya goes through his home security videos, which have all been adjusted by Celty and Shinra to show a rather domestic life living with Shizuo, said ex-bartender rests comfortably on his flea's bed.
What started out as punishment for a bet lost to his supernatural biker friend, has turned into something rather pleasant. Being able to witness Izaya have a mental breakdown to this degree is unexpectedly hilarious.
Having to kiss and touch the info broker was hardly an appealing thought at first, but the startled reactions and squeaky little noises he gets every time he swoops in out of nowhere to catch those lips are rather satisfying.
With that thought-…
Izaya's pupils are blown and his limbs spasm as if his bafflement over the day's events has managed to make him physically ill. He holds his head in his hands and stares down emptily at his desk; his hair in disarray from pulling at it out of frustration.
Has he truly gone insane? Is it possible that he has actually somehow started a relationship with Shizu-chan against all rational thought and his immense disgust for the brute, only to have developed amnesia of the whole process?
Izaya's intellect is vast, covering a far range of topics and would normally have the facility to store obvious arguments against this conclusion and provide him with suitable points of view such as, 'this is clearly a setup,' but sadly Izaya still isn't quite functioning at optimal cerebral capacity.
He exhales shakily and slowly lifts his head from his palms…- only to reel back violently with shock and almost fall backwards out of his chair because Shizuo is suddenly leaning over his desk and staring down at him with an eyebrow raised.
"You okay there, Flea?"
Izaya is most definitely not okay, but nevertheless replies with raised hackles, "Fine, Shizu-chan." Gone is the unbreakable composure he used to be so proud of in the face of this bizarre (understatement of the millennium) set of circumstances.
Shizuo's gaze reads 'unconvinced' but he accepts this answer regardless. He strides quickly around the desk, leans down, and plants a spontaneous smooch on Izaya's brow, brushing short strands of obsidian hair back as he does so.
When he stands back up to his full height, Izaya is wearing the same expression Shizuo has been mentally calling 'What is my life today?!' that he's been sporting since this all started.
The traumatized info broker lifts wobbly hands to the spot Shizuo's lips have just vacated. Shizuo pats the top of Izaya's head affectionately, smirking inwardly as 'What is my life today?!' intensifies, and then walks over to Izaya's couch and proceeds to make himself comfortable. He even goes so far as to pick up the remote, turn on the television, and flip through channels.
Izaya struggles to think of Shizuo Heiwajima as a decent enough actor to be able to pull something like this off convincingly; forcing him to consider that he might be the one going crazy while Shizu-chan is just going about his life as normal.
Izaya is -to put it bluntly- losing his shit.
Shizuo is not an actor. Despite his younger brother's success in that particular field those genes simply skipped out on his generation.
No, the fact of the matter is Shizuo doesn't have to try very hard to put up a convincing front because after he kissed Izaya on the lips and decided he liked it, he's just been going with the flow.
All that's left is to make sure he calls all their friends and lets them know the ruse is to be continued indefinitely.
(AN: Lol there were plans in place so that were Izaya to contact anyone else in their circle of friends and family besides Shinra or Celty, they'd all confirm the same story.
This was fun to write, and I had more ideas of taking this further until Izaya eventually gives in and even falls for Shizuo, but I decided to stop it here since my flow was slowing down and I didn't want to force it. Maybe I'll be inspired to write more another time, now that I'm finally going to check out DRRRx2, but for now this is complete.
Upon proof reading this I got a chuckle out of the fact that the first line, 'Izaya Orihara does not get caught off guard,' is immediately refuted by the entirety of the fic that follows. The standing title until I thought of a better one was 'Shizuo Trolls A Flea.'
Hope y'all enjoyed. Let me know what you thought.)