"The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours"
- Leo Marks
The room given to Steve by King T'Challa is modest and comfortable. White on three walls and the fourth made of glass, looking over the jungle and the giant cat that looked over them all. The furniture is dark and modern, but Steve cares little for the interior design. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands gripping hard onto the blue comforter. He's seething and devastated and the combination of the two makes him want to simultaneously smash the room apart and fall to the floor so he can break down. He rocks backwards and forwards slightly, his eyes closed as he tries to get a handle on his emotions. He's not mad at Bucky—not really. He knows Bucky needs to do this, needs to make his own decision for the first time in decades. It hurts Steve to think of his Bucky so powerless and helpless, his Bucky that had always been so full of life. He'd been a wild thing. Impossible to control, unable to sit still and listen to what anybody told him to do. Still, it hurts. Steve has been alone for so long and as quickly as he's got Bucky back, he's going to lose him again. It seems cruel to have had the love of his life put in front of him and then yanked away again. It feels like Bucky is always held just out of reach.
As soon as he starts to calm down, he hears a knock on the door. He knows who it is, would recognize that knock and the sound of shifting feet anywhere. His heart starts racing again and he slams his fist down on the mattress. They'd never been good at retaining their anger after a fight, always deflated and came back together within minutes. But Steve doesn't want to see Bucky quite so soon. Steve needs longer to process. He needs longer to prepare himself to see Bucky knowing that it is one of the last times he'll see him for God knows how long. It hurts. It hurts so damn much and he knows it's selfish of him to be treating Bucky the way he has since Bucky told him what he was going to do. He knows he should be making the most of the time they have left together but the thought of having a ticking time bomb hanging over their heads has made it all the more painful.
"Come in." Steve says after a moment, just loudly enough to be heard by a super soldier.
Bucky shuffles in with his head down, his soft hair curtaining his face and hiding it in shadow. He only steps far enough in the room to close the door behind him and then leans back against it, peering up with those grey eyes to look at Steve.
"I'm sorry." He says quietly.
"I know."
Bucky walks further into the room and sits beside Steve on the bed. He knocks their shoulders together and Steve can feel the way Bucky is staring at him, but he can't bring himself to meet his gaze. That's the moment he'll break down. Bucky doesn't need that though. It's Bucky that needs to be comforted. How many times has Hydra put him in cryofreeze over the years? It must frighten him to think of going under again and there is nothing Steve hates more than the idea of Bucky being scared. He's had enough horrors in his life already. He needs Steve to be strong now more than ever. He needs Steve to be the rock that he'd always been for Steve.
"I have to do this, baby." Bucky murmurs.
Steve turns his head away sharply at the pet name, scrunching his face up to stop himself from crying. Such a simple thing, but he never thought he'd hear it again from Bucky's lips. He feels Bucky's hand reach out to touch his cheek, trying gently to coax Steve to look at him again, but Steve can't.
"Come on, Stevie. Look at me, babydoll."
He's just making it worse. Doesn't he understand what he's doing?
Bucky, giving up, slides down to the floor and puts himself between Steve's legs. He grabs at his chin and pulls it down so he has no choice but to face him. Steve, stubborn as ever, squeezes his eyes shut. "I know you're hurtin'. I know it's been hard for you, baby. Please, just look at me. Let me help."
"I can't let you go again." Steve chokes. He squeezes his eyes closed even harder, feeling a horrible sense of guilt, and shakes his head as he tries to get away from Bucky's grasp. It is to no avail. Steve opens his eyes and looks down at the man he loves, his vision blurring from the tears now filling his eyes.
"That's it. There's those pretty eyes." Bucky says softly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Steve chokes on a laugh, but it isn't funny, it isn't funny at all. "Don't do this to me."
"I've got to. I can't hurt anyone else. I can't hurt you."
"That wasn't you, Bucky. It wasn't your fault."
"I told you, Stevie. I still did it. It was still my hands that murdered all those people." Bucky says, his voice quivering slightly. "Ten words. That's all it takes. If anyone gets that book again and finds out where I am…"
Steve grabs hold of Bucky's forearm, needing the comfort that the touch brings. "Then we'll find the book. We'll keep running. We'll do whatever it takes."
Bucky shakes his head. "They'll find us. They always do eventually."
Steve collapses forward and falls into Bucky's arms, his face pressing into the crook of his neck. Bucky rubs Steve's back in large circles, pressing the two of them together and beginning to calm Steve down instantly.
"It could take a really long time, Buck. What if I die before we find a way to get it out of your head?"
"You dare," Bucky says harshly, his breath hot from where he's pressing his lips against the shell of Steve's ear. "You ain't going anywhere or I'll kill you myself. You hear?"
Steve laughs but it's wet and drifts off until it turns into a small whimper.
"Swear to me, Stevie." Bucky says assertively, tugging at Steve's hair until he pulls back far enough to look at Bucky again.
"I swear." Steve says, sniffling slightly.
"Good boy." Bucky says, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to Steve's lips.
It takes Steve a moment to react, but when he does, he gives it all he's got. It's not gentle by any means. It's hard and it's hungry and it's possessive. It is all the anger burning away at Steve's insides singing through his lips and scorching the two of them together into a single flame. It's lips and teeth and tongues, their mouths opening under each other and moving quickly and smoothly.
Bucky breaks away with a gasp, his chest rising and falling heavily against Steve's. "Please. Not like this. Not like this, Stevie."
"I want you." Steve says with a hiccup.
"And you can have me. But we're not doing it like this. If this is our last time for a while then I want to do it properly. Deep and slow and just like you like it."
Steve throws his arms around Bucky's neck and climbs into his lap. "I love you." He whispers into Bucky's ear. "Make love to me."
Bucky shivers. "Okay. Get on the bed and lay back for me, baby."
Steve does as he's told, shucking his sweatpants and t-shirt off as he goes. Bucky climbs on after him and Steve steadies him as Bucky lowers his weight onto his right arm and settles over him. "You okay?" Steve asks.
"Mm-hm. Just gonna take a while to get used to. The metal arm was heavy."
Steve nods and leans up to give Bucky a kiss. It starts off slow, just the soft smacking of lips and Steve's hands tracing patterns on Bucky's back. It's when Bucky nips at Steve's neck that the dam breaks. Suddenly all those years alone, of not seeing each other or touching each other flitters to the forefront of their minds. Bucky grinds his hips down and Steve lets out a loud whine, too lost in the feel of Bucky above him to feel embarrassed. Bucky buries his face in that spot between Steve's neck and shoulder that he's always liked and pants—almost uncomfortably—hotly against the skin. The seam of Bucky's jeans is rubbing roughly against Steve and the friction hurts but it's also so, so, good. Bucky starts pressing down harder and harder on each roll of his hips and Steve is lifting his hips up to meet him with an almost frenzied enthusiasm. Steve is quick to undo Bucky's belt and unbutton his jeans so that he can shove his hands down the back of his pants and under his boxers, trying desperately to push them down to his thighs so he can feel him better. Bucky grunts at the feel of Steve's cock now with only one barrier between them, the slide becoming effortless when he pulls Steve's underwear down too.
"S-Steve, if we k-keep this up, I'm gon-gonna come before we even g-get to the good part." Bucky stutters out between groans.
"I don't care." Steve pants. "W-want you. Just like this."
Steve flips them over as soon as Bucky's arm starts trembling with the effort of holding himself up. Steve apologises, immediately feeling bad for making Bucky do all the work with just the one arm. Now on his back, Bucky scrapes his nails down the expanse of Steve's spine, digging in hard enough that welts form. Steve groans loudly from the pain and rolls his hips faster, the precome making the slide easier and messier. Their bodies are slick with sweat where their skin touches and Steve pushes up Bucky's shirt so he can flick his finger against Bucky's nipple, smiling triumphantly when he moans. He scratches at it until it looks red and irritated and then wraps his lips around it so he can suck softly. He lifts his head up and smiles, the sight of Bucky sweaty and undone beneath him making his heart flutter.
"S-Steve, I'm gonna- gonna-" Bucky whimpers. He surges up to press his lips against Steve's plump mouth, moaning into it as he grips Steve's neck and pulls him down so there's no space between their bodies. He whines brokenly as he comes, arching beneath Steve as he peaks and pleasure rips up his spine and into all his limbs. Steve isn't far behind, coming with a series of fuck and Bucky and a final I love you. All it had taken was a murmured, "Come on, Stevie. Let me see it. Let go for me, baby."
Steve ducks his head into Bucky's shoulder as he comes down, sighing at the feeling of Bucky's fingers running up and down his spine. When he looks up he's shocked to see tears in Bucky's eyes. "Buck?"
Bucky shakes his head and blinks away the tears. "I don't wanna leave you."
"Then don't." Steve whispers, propping himself up with an elbow beside Bucky's head and running his hand soothingly through his hair. "Don't go. We'll work something out together."
"I can't, Stevie. Please. I can't." Bucky says, his face crumpling as he starts sobbing.
"Oh, baby." Steve murmurs, leaning down to press kisses everywhere he can reach.
"Please. Please." He says, almost like he doesn't even know what he's asking for anymore. "I've gotta do it. I gotta keep you safe."
"I am safe. I'm never safer than when I'm with you."
"Not this time." Bucky says, his voice wobbly but full of conviction. "You gotta- gotta promise me that you'll carry on. Don't sit around waitin' for me. You hear? I'll be back soon enough."
"Okay, Bucky. I promise."
Bucky nods and then starts sobbing in earnest again. Steve rolls onto his back and pulls Bucky with him, tucking his head under Steve's chin.
It only takes a matter of minutes before Bucky falls asleep. Steve stares up at the ceiling, not caring about the drying come on his stomach, and breathes deeply, matching the rhythm of Bucky's own breathing. He knows he can be there for Bucky. He can let him make this decision. He can do it. He can. But he sure as hell wasn't leaving him in that thing for long. He was gonna do whatever it took to get Bucky back. He had his mission now. He had a reason to fight. And tomorrow, when Bucky goes under, he's going to do everything he can to make it as painless for Bucky as possible. He's going to do what Bucky did for him all those years ago. Look after him. After all, it is his turn now.